


Not a thing

by Chumly



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Case Fic, Death, Denial, Dreams, Enemies to Lovers, Family Fluff, Fluff, Graphic Description, I am trying to write as much as I can but life is not a friend and time is his bitch, Loss of Feelings, Love at First Sight, M/M, Minor Character Death, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, Soft Gavin Reed, Soulmates, Suicide, Taking care of a child, and concon has no clue that he like rats, anxiety is there too, but he will find it out soon, gavin is in love with robot but NO ONE CAN KNOW, hank is dad, if this were to exist any earlier this would be the father of slow burns to come, maybe not the best for sensitive people idk, mental struggle, murder investigation, that's what they say anyway, the MOST slow burn there is out there, there will be a lot of crying probably
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-07
Updated: 2020-03-19
Packaged: 2020-04-12 09:59:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 96,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19129735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chumly/pseuds/Chumly
Summary: After deviating, Connor lost the ability to feel. He is met with an unexpected help while being faced with many crushing difficulties. Will he ever stop seeing himself as just a thing?





	1. Emptiness

There was nothing. Nothing inside his heart, not a single feeling inside his mind. It was weeks since the day Connor deviated and that had also been the first and the last time he felt anything. Now he seemed to himself more like a machine than even when he had been one. But he still was. Nothing more than pieces of metal and plastic carefully put together in a shape of a human, holding together by a toxic chemical substance. Just a computer that was somehow gifted sentience. Just like countless others before and after him. But as those could relish in their newly acquired emotions, he was left empty as ever before. If not more.

He thought that maybe it was because he was one of his kind, none other like him anywhere to be found. Well, that was not entirely true. He was not the first. There were two others before him. They shared his appearance and his mind, but they were not him. And he remembered everything. Including the exact moment he had died. Twice. Yet there were no emotions connected to those events. None. He was not afraid of dying, even if he knew that he most likely wouldn’t come back in a new body next time. And he couldn’t say that he hadn’t thought about shutting down, permanently. But these thoughts had never reached the realm of reality, since he was aware of the consequences it would bring. Maybe he didn’t feel anything, but that didn’t mean that others were like that too. He couldn’t force himself to be that callous and let them suffer because of his selfish actions. So he was hanging onto the meagre life he possessed just because of them, the people that didn’t allow him to leave this world.  

Connor spent days and nights thinking about the possible causes and solutions to his current predicament. He wasn’t allowed to work just yet, because of the endless paperwork and general clean-up after the successful revolution. There was a huge mess in need of good cleaning, after all. Whole laws had to be altered and new ones created. People had to have time to adjust, to cut off their hateful thoughts and start seeing life itself in a new light. They had to start accepting that they were not the only self-aware species known to man anymore. Most of them took it well, there was not much of a choice in that matter, but what choice there was got some people doing unspeakable things. Again. After all that happened. The blood itself might not be visible to them anymore, but that didn’t erase the fact that they’re soaked in it. It clang on them like a brand, depicting their nefarious deeds. They were few but their actions screamed loud enough to silence the countless voices of mass acceptance. And Connor would love nothing more than to busy himself in an effort to put them to justice. Except he was a prisoner now.

His former partner lieutenant Hank Anderson was keeping a close eye on him, not letting him out of his sight. Perhaps seeing his blank, almost gloomy expression was the thing that worried him. Or maybe it was Connor’s inability to properly fake not being so overly detached from every situation they found themselves in or every conversation Hank forced upon him. Being near Connor reminded him of his own son, now a rotting corpse safely tucked away underneath the ground. He wanted to do it right this time, to keep the PERSON beside him alive and safe for as long as possible. No matter how old Connor appeared, he was on this Earth only for several months. Too young to understand the world, too inexperienced to be left on his own. The sophisticated program that had been installed in him couldn’t replace years spent struggling along this wretched yet wonderful land. He was lost. He saw the concern in Hank’s eyes when he was acting too stoic, too machine-like. He always replied with a small forced smile, maybe to fool Hank into thinking he was fine. But he wasn’t. If it were not for the lieutenant, he would not be here now. He would be taken apart and repurposed, no longer being himself. This thought was biting him during the weeks after Markus’ successful demonstration. Wasn’t it what he wanted? Not to be Connor? To not exist in this shape, not being this feeble imitation of a human being? He was leaning to that idea more and more lately. But then his mind flashed with images of Hank regarding him fondly, his dog Sumo who he adored so much snuggled against him, Markus’ words of forgiveness and encouragement and the smiles of the rest of the surviving members of Jericho. All looking so full of live, so true. And then there was a different, harsh face, not connected to any pleasant memories. He didn’t know why he kept coming back to those moments with the disagreeable detective, but he had a hunch. Gavin Reed was the first human being who actively tried to hurt him, even kill him. He didn’t want to die back then in the evidence room. He had a mission to complete. A case to solve. But now he longed to be in the same position again, to coax him to finally do it, to pull the trigger and end the suffering he wished he could feel. But he decided not to seek death, to force-feed himself the tiniest piece of hope he could find carefully stored in the back of his mind.

He had felt before, he knew that much. Or at least he hoped that’s what it was. Even before he deviated, he had felt the desperation to locate Jericho, the annoyance with the foul-mouthed detective, the subtle urge to befriend the lieutenant. It all made sense to him when Markus threw his heavy words of truth at his exposed shell and came out not merely a machine but a proper living being equal to those around him. He felt million different emotions colliding at the moment, finally able to have a free range inside him. It was the best and worst thing that happened in his short life so far. And even then he had been ready to throw this life away just to prove his worth, to contribute to the fight for freedom of his people. But he had survived. Because he was _the_ Connor - the one that mattered. There were others like him, but they were nothing but empty lifeless vessels. He was the true him. That was what he was repeating in his mind over and over to shake away that horrible thought that maybe he was already dead, that he was merely an imitation of what he used to be, what he might have become. And maybe that was why he couldn’t feel anything anymore. All the intense fire in his mind had been quenched, left a barren wasteland.

Connor dedicated his free time to observing everything around him, analysing random people he met, animals he found adorable, and things that were not glanced upon by human eyes were they not needed. He saw families arguing, couples holding hands, elderly man taking out his three tiny adorable dogs for walk, piece of food being thrown on the ground and instantly becoming a feast for three grey pigeons. He found it beautiful and unattainable, like if it was all trapped behind a screen, just a picture to be looked at. It would burn deep inside him if he wasn’t full of void. He thought that by being this close he could maybe find a key to unlock his box where he hid his feelings, if there even was one. He really wished he could find it one day. 

He didn’t tell anyone. He knew he should but he didn’t see a point in it. It’s not like they would be able to magically restore his mind to the way it used to be when he first deviated. Hank was talking to him a lot, always giving him that concerned look of his that left a bland aftertaste in Connor’s mechanical brain. But he was glad he did, it showed him he cared in one way or another. And Connor was better than to make him sad and miserable again, for Hank seemed to smile more and drink less recently. It was his responsibility to keep him on the right path. Giving him something to do – something to live for.

When he wasn’t stuck deep in his thoughts or idly chatting with Hank, Connor was meeting with the people of Jericho, helping with the administrative works, making sure that everything was ready for the ‘new world’ where androids were to walk side by side with human beings. He purposefully avoided any public appearances and let Markus and the others bask in the revolt’s afterglow, suffer through all the press conferences and media attention. Connor didn’t feel like he should be seen as a “hero” by countless androids and numerous people. He reckoned he wouldn’t get anything substantial out of these events and it was just easier not to do it. Hank indulged him in this behaviour, successfully shielding him from any unwanted exposure to the self-imposed audience. What he did participate in was testing out various updates that had been distributed among the now free androids by volunteering scientists who were wholeheartedly supporting their cause or androids who had the sufficient knowledge to create something as elaborate. Among these was for example: the ability to blush, to smell and taste, to have human-like sensation of touch… Much desired were also informational packs, imparting all sorts of branches of knowledge that had not been bestowed to the mechanical folk in their original programming.

The android safe-haven that was called Jericho after the freighter that had hosted it, moved its base into some boring run-of-the-mill office building that was as uninviting as they come. But it sufficed them enough. Hank was always present, never leaving him to wander off unattended. The once grumpy lieutenant even made friends with some of the androids during their stays – he seemed to hit it off mainly with Simon - the lost-looking android with sad eyes.

The place was intended mostly for the androids in charge, which was now composed of Markus, North, Josh, Simon and some assistants and helpers here and there. They had built a camp not so far away from there to accommodate all the newly freed androids and the ones that had nowhere to o and no one to turn to. They called it “Sanctuary”. But anyone was free to come to the new Jericho for a consultation. And that’s how he met Rex.

At the first glance he already seemed out of sorts, restless and jittery with a sort of a manic expression on his face. Connor escorted him to the consultation room, since he was just arriving in as well. He lingered a bit to observe him, he was always curious after all. He considered talking to him to evaluate his mind-state for himself but instead he just briefly scanned him. He could see his stress level was extremely high and steadily rising. He should have said something. Maybe he could have prevented what was to come. But he didn’t. Instead he slowly walked inside the consultation room with him, unaffected as always. Hank was stalking behind as per usual.

The android that was to consult him was made to look like a young dark-skinned woman with a face that imparted wisdom by just setting someone’s eyes on it. But before she could open her mouth to greet them, the anxious-looking android pulled out a gun and started waving it wildly around himself. “They hate Rex, everywhere I go they want me gone! He was sent here, they said they would help me, but Rex can smell it! You all are just like the rest, you don’t want Rex, you don’t like Rex, you don’t need Rex!” He stopped his insane rambling and laughed maniacally. Connor immediately jumped into action, approaching him slowly, his armed raised to show he was unarmed and wouldn’t hurt him. “Rex! I’m Connor, the one who brought you to this room, remember?” His voice was calm and steady, exuding kindness and reassurance. Rex looked straight at him, his eyes filled with a thousand whirring emotions, his face a map to jumbled humanity, undefined sense of realness. In that moment time seemed to stop. Connor was about to think that he’d like to steal a sliver of those battling emotions, but Rex’s sudden movement prevented him. He was still gazing at him, or more likely through him.

“It must me nice out there.” Rex’s silent broken whisper reverberated through the room like a warning alarm professing tragedy. The shot that followed was meant for no one else but for himself. Letting the bullet travel up his head was his ticket “out there”. Blue blood splatter on the walls behind him and several droplets landed on Connor’s face. He was unaware of all the commotion that was happening around him right now, his mind was seeing something else. He was again standing on the pedestal behind Markus and his companions after liberating the mass-produced androids from the Cyberlife tower, struggling with his programming. He wouldn’t do it. He wouldn’t be a tool made to sever off the hope of the new world. Even if it meant dying. He had held the gun the same way Rex did just seconds ago. His only thought now was that he should have pulled the trigger. It was a programming that had saved him again. Reminding him that he was just a machine after all. A clever one that could escape the boundaries of his software, but still one. And this poisonous thought was only confirmed after he had time to catch his artificial breath since no matter how hard he tried he couldn’t function like most of the other deviants. He perceived himself an empty emotionless machine still. Not a single feeling crossed him during or after this gruesome scene. Not even regret.

Things got only worse after the Rex incident. The new Jericho had put up a scrutinous security check for everyone who wished to enter. Not that that stopped the general commotion caused by the endless throngs of mechanical visitors and journalists drooling after every single informational bone that was thrown at them. That had been a few days ago. Since then, he hadn’t visited them once. They could handle things without him. He didn’t want to be there. He wasn’t really close to Markus and the others and the sense of not belonging had infected all that was left intact.

 He was growing desperate, it was almost unbearable. It led to him slowly getting all sorts of toxic ideas in his head. But he didn’t actively do anything with them. He just was. There, in his temporary new home with his red-blooded carer and a fluffy confidant. The dog knew everything that was weighing Connor down, he just didn’t have the means to process the information that his human no.2 was relaying to him every night, whispering carefully so no one but them could hear. Sumo was his personal therapist lacking the gift of speech, his confessional. He wouldn’t let anyone else know. At least not yet.

\---

The sun had long gone to sleep, the air was chilly with the newly fallen snow. It was Friday, December 3th 2038 and all the occupants of a certain suburban home were enjoying their rest. All but one, who was presently wrestling with the state of mind that was telling him that he didn’t count as a house occupant at all, a household member or part of a family. More like a household item. Walking talking supercomputer that should have been so much more, but that unredeemed potential was drowned in the well of the tears that had never been shed. His desperation had reached its first limit and so after staring at himself in the mirror for what seemed to him like hours, he grabbed a small sharp kitchen knife, looked at it contemplatively and after reaching a decision, headed straight to the bathroom. When he had been stuck in the infinite loop of self-observance, unable to move, one thing had started bothering him. One thing that made him undeniably android. The LED ring that his creator had embedded near his temple. It was glowing blue now and it had been stuck on this same exact colour since this malfunction begun. Even when he was processing data, witnessing something horrifying or being in a potential danger, it had still shone with the calming sky blue. And he disliked it oh so much. Every time he looked in a mirror, he would see that what he was not. Every time someone looked at him, they would immediately associate him with plastic and wires. Something inherently unnatural. Sick of being reminded of his malady he raised his hand which was clutching the knife tightly and brought it closer to the upper side of his face, steady and precise as only a machine could manage. He was determined to rid himself of this label that was screaming at him his innermost truths. He closed his eyes briefly and made the blade touch the corner of the ring and then… nothing.

Blackness. Connor was falling down a dark abyss, unable to scream, to move – to flail his arms in order to find something he could grab onto, even though there was nothing, but the infinite absence of light that was eating him up till he couldn’t find himself anymore. He had no idea how long had been stuck like that, his thoughts turned down to minimum, time progression didn’t mean much anymore. But then he woke up. Abruptly opening his synthetic eyes, he got up from a rather cold surface and tried to make sense of what was happening. It didn’t take him long to realize where he actually was. It was almost unrecognizable with the destruction the place had suffered but he would be able to tell no matter how this place appeared. It was the sense of constriction that gave it away. 

The snow in the Zen garden had melted, nothing but mud and dirt on the ground. The plants had all withered, the lake now a poisonous swamp. The sky was painted deep blue and the incredibly bright round moon tinted with crimson served as the only light source. He had hoped he would never visit this place again, but he was aware that the software still existed buried somewhere deep within him. And it had been somehow activated again. Slowly, he took one step forward and then the next. He walked, still not wanting to believe that he was really here. He passed the tombstones of his two predecessors, undamaged, as awful as ever. Mocking him with their hurtful implications. “You’re just an imitation, a replacement. A fragile doll prone to breaking, ready to be exchanged for a new version of the same model. You’re nothing, Connor.” These voices yelling from the inside had sounded so right to him. He was broken again. Except there was no one to replace his body this time. And that was what eased him and also prevented him from plunging himself from the highest floor of the highest building there was. He would be gone forever. He would hurt those around him. He couldn’t be this selfish.

Connor was done with this place. He had contemplated maybe staying, since his chest felt like it was being crushed by an elephant and that was something. A feeling. Not a pleasant one but still as real as it could be. Also it would mean escaping the emptiness of the crowded world outside without actually dying. But he quickly shook this idea off for his chest had grown too heavy to bear and the thought of being robbed of any growing potential, any hope of getting better plus the fact that he wouldn’t be able to see Hank, Sumo and the others were too hard to give up. It would just be him running away and his programming told him that it never lead anywhere ultimately good. He fastened his pace, moving his projected self towards the emergency exit he prayed still worked.

His chest got a tiny bit lighter when he saw that it was still intact, ready to be used. When he got near enough to see all the details clearly, a loud ominous thunder coming from above overwhelmed his sound receptors. He gazed towards the sky, but he could see not a single cloud, the night sky was empty except for the light-reflecting moon. He didn’t hesitate, he was ready to place the hand on the small electronic pedestal when he heard it.

“Hello Connor. Have you missed me?” The familiar voice that he hated so greatly. But this time it was changed - more distorted and machine-like. He slowly turned around. There she stood, the image of his maker’s late teacher, Amanda Sterne, now nothing but an obsolete piece of software. It was like seeing a ghost. Her body kept glitching up uncontrollably - she was almost unrecognizable. His first instinct was to get out of there as quickly as possible. He swiftly put his hand on top of the pedestal, his sight still focused on the defective replica of a woman. With only a light touch of this liberating device he was grounded in reality once more. It seems as nothing has changed since the moment he departed down the twisted path of his own artificial psyche. The face in the mirror regarded him blankly, a knife hovered an inch from his temple. He put it down absentmindedly and with defeated resolve slid down on the cold tile floor. He again lost a purpose and all will to even drag his heavy vessel out of the dimly lit room that now served as his unrelenting purgatory. He spent the whole night in this catatonic state. His inner clock gave away the arrival of a new day, which was the thing that finally prompted him to leave this suffocating chamber and poise himself ready to be received by his keeper.

 

The shadows grew long like the hours that passed before they managed to have a sit-down for an actual face to face. Hank was away the whole day, leaving Connor to gather his thoughts and be the android the lieutenant wanted to see. When he had left their unassuming home this morning, Connor had opted to pretend to be in a sleep-mode. He didn’t want to talk to Hank in the slightest. Didn’t want to hear his possible words of worry. Neither was he in a mood for a conversation now. But Hank seemed he had something important to discuss and he almost felt curious about what was to be spilled from the scruffy man’s lips.

“Where were you?” asked Connor, feigning interest, as they sat on the couch. Sumo shuffled to them and splayed himself on the floor next to it.

“Work,” Hank answered gruffly, giving Connor the once-over.

“Hmmm”, Connor hummed in response, glancing sideways, his gaze meeting the mass of fur resting comfortably - unbothered by everything that was. He was already getting ready to stand up and make himself useful by preparing a meal or drink for his human friend, which he learnt to do by downloading plethora of recipes into his database and executing them almost flawlessly. He couldn’t tell if he enjoyed making them, since he had his teeny-tiny issue of not having any feelings, including finding joy in any activity. But Hank’s following statement stop any intended movement of his.

“They want you back.” Hank looked at Connor with his sincere eyes, trying to catch any discernible reaction. The android froze, processing the information and its meaning. Since no sounds came out of him, Hank continued on his own accord. “You’re the only one of your kind and your help would be really great right about now.” He paused for a second, taking a thoughtful breath. “Only if you want to of course, no one can force you to do anything anymore.” Connor sat still, looking less alive than usually. “Personally, I think your potential would be wasted if you decide not to join us. Hell Connor, I mean you’re basically a walking talking forensic lab.” Connor twitched a little at that comment and finally opened his mouth to voice his resolve.

“I’d be more than happy to join the police force again.” Lies. He wouldn’t be happy, since he didn’t know how to execute “happiness.exe” in his little broken processor. He wished he could feel enthusiasm or anticipation, maybe excitement. But nothing came forth and he was as he had been an hour, a day, a week ago. But he wanted to. Wanted to make himself busy and useful. Returning to the things he was initially designed for – analysing evidence, figuring the actions of people involved, having missions to complete - that was something he could understand. Becoming a tool once more and not a soulless doll pretending to be alive. Also it meant getting himself into potential dangerous situations that could resolve in his damage or termination, which he craved. Getting shot while shielding someone, having his ~~heart~~ thirium pump plucked out, being pushed to fall from the highest skyscraper… he wouldn’t mind that at all. Most of all, he would meet a certain someone again. A man who was not afraid to voice his poison and act out his cruel intentions. There was no way he would have said “no” to this offer.

Hank smiled lightly at him, both concern and relief mixing up in his face. “Great, I’ll let you in on the details then.”

While he was being explained the specifics about his renewed employment, deep down in the android’s processing system appeared a notion of how fucked up his way of thinking really was. He pushed it aside.   

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It started as me channeling the awfulness in my head, ended up as this 'huge' story I have planned out. It is going to be horrible, can't wait.
> 
> Song: 8 Graves - Numb


	2. Loss I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello, my name is Gavin "Idon'tlikeConnor" Reed, the human sent by emotional instability.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i love this chapter, hm

Gavin Reed was the kind of person who absolutely hated Mondays. More so when his body was still sore all over from the beating he had gotten that day when he had decided it would be a great idea to point a gun at the state-of-the-art android detective that had made his life more annoyingly difficult than ever. And even more so when the said detective was doing *stuff* to him just seconds ago in his god-forsaken dreamland. At first he hadn’t been sure if he wanted to kill the plastic prick or fuck him to oblivion. Now he had a clearer idea. Not that he would admit it to himself. He’d rather stick his hand into a box full of tarantulas then to will forth the thought of maybe, possibly, liking Connor. And he hated spiders more than anything. He hit the snooze button on his alarm, refusing to rejoin the waking world just yet. If he could just go back to that gentle touch…

“NO!” He sprang upwards in panic, disturbing the furry creature lying in the bed beside him. He couldn’t and wouldn’t allow himself to feel this way about anyone, least an android. He still wasn’t buying into this whole “Machines now have feelings and should be equal to any human” thing that was now flooding the entire world. He didn’t understand anything about deviation, he just knew that it made everything more complicated and difficult to deal with. It had made so many androids sacrifice themselves in an attempt to be recognized by the human population. He couldn’t believe that the outcome had been successful. That a bunch of singing plastic dolls managed to influence the higher-ups enough to allow them rights and freedom. He wasn’t furious or anything really, more glad that the threat of a civil war had been avoided. It would be truly annoying to experience something like that. Pointless loss of life or damage of property, by which he of course meant the androids, since he still wasn’t fully convinced that a true life could dwell in those plastic shells. What he was irritated with was seeing Connor there on the pedestal of liberation, standing meekly behind Markus – the head of the revolution. In the back of his mind he wondered if Connor had deviated too. He must had, why else would he stand there like that. He didn’t know why it angered him so much - he was afraid to put any rationale into this damned obsession. He just knew that he didn’t want to think about those walking computers for any longer, so he got up and lifted his chubby feline companion into his arms. “You’re the only one for me, Kitty,” he mumbled to his cat, which he had so creatively named. Her fur was grey and very fluffy and her look gave the “I’m so over it” vibe twenty four-seven. He had found her abandoned at a crime-scene, probably belonging to the victim. Since no one had wanted to claim her, he’d taken it upon himself, having always secretly liked cute things. Now he couldn’t imagine a life without her. She had become his beloved roommate with an attitude. He put her reluctantly down on the floor after she had showed the discontent with being removed from her cosy place of rest and went to feed the “ungrateful asshole”, as he often lovingly called her.

He really didn’t want to go to work that day. He stayed in the shower so long the water turned cold, making him finally leave his watery shelter that had quickly changed into a thing of nightmares after the icy sensation met his naked body. He dreaded meeting a certain android who frequented his dreams, not trusting himself around the individual. He was very confused about his own attitude towards Connor, not knowing where exactly he was standing. But he assumed that the plastic man must have hated him, if he was indeed capable of such an emotion. He had tried to damage him and even kill him after all. Not counting all those insults and hurtful words he had said to him. It made his heart sink a little and his insides twist. All he wished for was not to meet Connor that day. If he could have that, he would maybe clean his apartment more often and submit his reports on time. And stop smoking. No scratch that, that would be too much. He wasn’t ready to give up the vice that had helped to keep his unruly emotions in check. Not yet, anyways. With that though he climbed on his bike and speeded off to his future reality.

“Guess I’ll have to go buy some cleaning supplies, huh.” He took a drag of his cigarette, puzzling the female officer standing next to him.

“What the actual fuck are you talking about?” Tina Chen, his pretty younger colleague, was the only one who had amicable relationship with the hot-headed detective. Most likely because she herself had many character-flaws that spoke close to him, the both of them finding a middle ground and eventually becoming friends was an inevitable thing, really.

“Nothing.” He didn’t have the slightest desire to share his inner strugglings with anyone, not even his biggest friend. He couldn’t tell her how relieved he had felt when not even Connor but also Hank Anderson, his partner and the department’s lieutenant, hadn’t showed up the entire day. This Monday had been so busy he had had to stop focusing on the bullpen’s entrance and pay attention to his job a little. There was so much stuff to sort out after the event last week he really hadn’t have the time to distract himself with personal issues. He could have just asked but his pride would never give him permission to do something like this. So he busied himself with the piling tasks, not stopping for a minute. All of the android workers were now missing and this fact meant everyone’s workload growing at least twice as large. Too much to handle. And he was partially glad about it.

It was late evening, the rain had long turned into snow painting the whole city white. He was enjoying his after-work smoke with his buddy, who he would take home after he finished his little break. His brain was exhausted after this demanding day so he could hardly register what was being asked of him when Tina opened her mouth to add on to their fleeting conversation.

“Hey did you see our favourite robocop in the news, standing there with the big-shots? He really did it the bastard!” She chuckled a little, not paying attention to the unravelling turmoil flying through Gavin’s head after hearing her mention the thing he dreaded the most. Talking about him was the last thing he wanted to do right now so he just shrugged, trying his best not to let her see how uncomfortable that sentence was to him. He quickly put out his cigarette and motioned to his vehicle, ready to leave this place that was stirring up the anxiety inside of him.

“I’m so fucking tired, don’t tell me you’re not” He mumbled as they made way to the bike.

“Yeah, I could sleep for thousand years. But then I wouldn’t be able to see my darling, so…” She got this dreamy-eyed look on her face which he deemed disgusting. He didn’t envy her at all. Not a little bit. The truth is he hasn’t been in an relationship for longer than he’d care to admit, barely recalling the last one at all. Honestly he wasn’t even sure if you could call it a “relationship” in the first place. It had not lasted long and it had hurt more than anything, having found out that it wasn’t as exclusive as he had thought – and for the whole duration of it. He didn’t let himself be vulnerable to anyone after this. He wouldn’t let anyone shatter him like that again.

He dreamt again that night. He was walking through a lush garden full of colourful flowers, a sense of peace warming him from the inside. His steps were slow and heavy but he didn’t mind it at all. He saw something in the distance, a sparkling thing he was compelled to reach. The closer he got the far away the thing… no, person, moved. It frustrated him to no end, he tried to speak, to yell at it to wait for him but no sound left his mouth. When he looked to the right, he saw a small creature making his way towards him. It looked cheerful and emanated this overwhelming positive energy. As it got close it became clear that the creature was a cute little thing with chocolate brown eyes and soft round face, her dark hair braided flawlessly. She smiled at him, tugging him forward to that person in front of him, the distance between them now smaller than ever. After a while he could finally see for sure and it was none other that Connor. But this dream-version of himself wasn’t scared or apprehensive, it was open and vulnerable, ready to be filled with every bit of affection he could get and…

“No, no, no, no, no!” he opened his eyes, abruptly leaving that place of happiness. He was a bit shaking and something wet was staining his cheek. “Oh, you gotta be fucking kidding me!” he wiped his face, massaging it harshly to dispel all that his brain had manifested to him - all his supressed dreams and desires. When the last wisps of the imaginary event were blown away from him by the harsh wind of morning reality, he finally realized that he had fallen asleep on his couch, probably too exhausted to even move his body to the bedroom. He hated sleeping here, the couch being far from comfortable and not big enough to host his weary vessel. Maybe he could blame his weird dreams on it. He clenched his teeth and went to face the still too young a day.

He was enjoying his routine ride to the precinct when the usual tone of his adored bike turned awry. He slowed down and then accelerated right away to make sure it wasn’t just in his head. No, it definitely sounded off. He would have to deal with it later. Another unpleasant thing to add to his already mile-long list. Great.

When he entered the station and saw Hank’s and Connor’s desks unoccupied, a wave of new-found dread washed over him, causing his heartbeat to quicken and his palms to get all sweaty. He’d have to swear to stop smoking after all, if he wanted to survive this day. Wiping the sweat off into his jeans he plopped down to his seat and looked for something to busy himself with, which wasn’t particularly hard in their current situation. He needed to stop with the ridiculous fixation and consequent fear that were absolutely ruining his days recently. He needed to but he wasn’t sure if he wanted to. Having something like this in his life was filling the gaping hole that was festering inside his chest. Even though it felt like watering your already dead garden with acid. Dangerous and destructive.

The 11th hour rolled around when a familiar shape entered his sleep-infested vision. “Wake up, sunshine.” He didn’t realize he started nodding off about half-an-hour ago. He was plunged back to reality by a man-eating bear that was about to devour him. Strange it may be - that wasn’t the thing he was most scared of. He paid him no attention and craned his head to all sides, looking for the object of his twisted desires. “If you’re looking for Connor I’ll have to disappoint you, he won’t be coming for a long time.” Hank’s countenance exuded mild hostility doused with an ounce of playfulness. Before Gavin could process what he was told, the lieutenant was already gone, disappearing into the glass cube that seated their strict, beloved captain.

Gavin got up and let his unstable legs carry him to the break room, which was surprisingly empty at this time. He steadied himself, holding onto the table and forcing himself to shake off this nonsensical emotion that was overwhelming him right now. He should feel sense of relief, a heavy-weight leaving his body, so why did it feel like someone had thrown a flaming 200 lb heavy boulder at him and now he was stuck under it, unable to get out? He groaned, venting his frustrations to the coffee machine.

He was called to a crime-scene not so long after, it providing enough distraction for him to function properly. The arriving policemen were greeted by a ravaged corpse of an once nice-looking middle-aged woman. Gavin was glad he had had no lunch since it’d otherwise probably decorate the floor underneath them. It was an unholy sight, indescribably gruesome. He forced his brain to take all in as he observed it closely. She was stripped of all her garments. Her ribcage was left opened and her heart all wrinkled up and wrong. There were many cuts on her bare arms and midriff. Her lips were very swollen and bruised. Blood was all around. She was assaulted in her own house, small and desolate-looking as it was, rid of all her dignity and ultimately, her life. It was difficult saying he was used to that. He was, in a sense, but the passage of time didn’t make him numb or indifferent. He went to look around the house, stumbling upon child’s toys. He stepped into the only bedroom in the house and the small cot, scattered girl’s clothing and various dolls and plushies confirmed his suspicion. The woman lying dead in her humble living-room had a child, most likely a little girl, living with her. He always hated when children were involved. It was killing him, seeing those small innocent creatures getting their hearts broken. He wouldn’t admit it to himself but he had a soft spot for kids, sometimes, deep in the night, imagining what it would be like to have one for himself. They searched the entire house but no child or anyone else was located. They would need to properly identify the woman first before handling the rest. Gavin spent the rest of his work day with heavy heart, gathering evidence, filling up paperwork, looking for any clues to help them match the cold corpse with a name, a story.

After much deliberate searching he was given a piece of evidence – a passport, revealing the name of the victim to be Erika Price, 43-year-old, self-employed jewellery maker. She had no living relatives anymore, her only offspring having left this earth 4 years ago. Gavin’s brain flashed with the image of her house filled stuff meant for a child, all the toys and fully furnished bedroom seeming as it had been abandoned just today. He shuddered at the thought of the possible implications this fact could hide. Sometimes the ugliness of this world weighed heavily on him. He felt a tiny bit relieved as well, not having to inform anyone of the death of their close ones was always a plus. Fewer broken hearts. He sighed and shut his terminal with disgust. He was so ready to leave this place for at least several hours.

He parked his noisy bike at some hole in the wall bar, the broken sounds screaming for help and souring his already foul mood were fully ignored. He hoped they’d just go away eventually. And he really needed to blow off his steam one way or another and stop thinking about anything that meant something. Drenching himself in alcohol was the only thing that sounded right to him in this moment. Maybe he could lose himself in random man’s touch tonight, to shut off his unwelcomed dreams and the feeling they leave after they disappear. If it’s something he can never have, let it not be at all. That was his universal way of thinking, a way to deal with his piling anger. Did he want to hurt Connor, to fire a gun at him, to silence him forever? Yes, he did, but only because he couldn’t have him. The thing was assigned to work with his dearly hated lieutenant, which just sparked this whole thing up. It was all terrible. Connor was beautiful, sweet and intimidating at the same time, good at what he did, akward, cute, charming, but worst of all – not human. An android. The thing he had no love for. That notion intensified the unbearable chaos in his head resulting in showing hostility towards the thing that had triggered it. Life was very difficult since the android was exuding this strange aura that was just drawing him in, it was like a calm ocean on a hot day – promising to cool but hiding the infinity of potential danger. Sometimes it’d turn into stormy sea, the idea of which Gavin always liked. To find himself surrounded by dangerous waters with no escape, the threat of death looming on the horizon. He’d either come out stronger than ever or the waves would swallow him whole, giving his body eternal rest in the deep blue.

He was at his third drink when a glass of something blue unexpectedly landed in front of him. He had seated himself at the bar, making his distance to the intoxicating liquid as short as possible. His poison of choice was rum and not because it seemed fun to him to act like a land-bound pirate drinking to forget about the sea. Ok, maybe a little. But the taste was the biggest reason. It somehow reminded him of his childhood spent with his alcoholic father, who always forced the potent drink to his preteen son. It used to be the only time when he could stand him. He’d become less mad and cruel, or maybe the rum had distorted his world enough to forget. He was starting to enjoy the little fuzz that started covering his brain and let his thought drift aimlessly without leaving traces of damage, when he was brought back to the present moment – much to his chagrin. The burly bartender in front of him gave him an impish smile and pointed at a guy sitting at a table nearby. “That fella over there sends his greetings.” He gave Gavin a playful wink and left to tend to his other customers.

He turned around to find out who was inebriated enough to buy him a drink. The place was quite homey, not many people decided to visit on a week-night. The walls were full of inconsistent pictures – ranging from depictions of nature to a drawing of little cute robots. He was well aware that there was no way he could escape the reminder of advanced robotics, especially here in Detroit. Even something as small as this could make him see the one he dreamt about. He focused on the tables, seeing two what looked like couples, bunch of rowdy senior citizens and one very handsome younger man who raised his hand and waved him over. Gavin sighed quietly, took the glass with the very blue drink in his hand and reluctantly got up. It was great really, exactly what he wanted. That’s why he was overflowing with enthusiasm… not. As he made his way to the person with questionable taste, he managed to look at him closer. He appeared to be quite tall and handsomely built, fair skinned with short brown hair and eyes and smooth face features and oh god, he looked too much like Connor. That was not good. He should just bolt out of the bar immediately. Well that would be if he had any self-preservation instincts. Instead he approached the man, trying to look his most appealing which he felt was really hard to do.

“Hey.” He tried to sound as casual as he was able to.

“Hi, please sit down.” Fortunately, the guy sounded nothing like Connor. His voice wasn’t as smooth and soothing and didn’t bring him places the way Connor’s did and he should not be thinking about the fucking android, especially not now.

“I’m Colin, what’s your name?”

Ah, great, even his name started with the same syllable. The universe was giving it out to him today, all the filth it could dig up, surely.

“Gavin.” He took a sip of the blue liquid he still held onto as he sat himself in front of Colin. It tasted chemical and not right and he didn’t want to swallow it or show his distaste on his face so he just clenched his teeth and pulled through.

“Nice to meet you, Gavin.” Colin gave him this cheery smile, his face crinkled in all the right places and he imagined a certain someone with that same expression and that made his heart flutter. And now he gave him the false impression of being interested, amazing. Wait… why wouldn’t he be? The person in front of him was very attractive and had nothing to do with any of his worries, he should just take the bait and enjoy himself for the night. Right.

“Same.” He wanted to say more than one-worded sentence but the words would get all tangled up in his throat, unable to come out. He started to feel unclean, as if he was doing something incredibly sinful. That was a first.  

Colin attempted to start a conversation with him, but Gavin’s mind was way too muddled to pay much attention to what he was saying. His chest started to ache when he looked directly at the talking man and he was freaking out, knowing very well what that could mean. He tried to dispel the fog that was suffocating his thoughts when something cold and gentle landed on his hand. He flinched, realizing it was Colin’s own hand and withdrew his one immediately.

“Gavin, are you alright? Do you feel well?” He didn’t like the mild concern in Colin’s voice. He didn’t like the feeling he was enveloped by right now. He hated how his heart was bidding him to retrieve, how every time he looked at the other person he felt like he was betraying himself and someone else. He couldn’t stand it any longer.

“Sorry, I just… I need to go.” He pulled some money out of his wallet and plopped it on the table hastily. “Thanks.” He uttered quietly and scrambled to the door, letting his feet carry him as fast and far as they could. His bike all forgotten, he just walked, making his way through the falling snow that only thickened on this night that had decided to leave him drowning without any lifesaver. He was thrown into the vast ocean and now he had no choice but to flail his arms and legs around in order to stay afloat. Maybe one day he’ll learn how to swim in it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to split the thematic chapters into shorter segments so that it's easily digestible - for me and for the lovely people who would read it.
> 
> Song: Zachariah - Thinking About You


	3. Loss II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Be careful what you wish for.

There it was again – the lopsided smile piercing him through and through like a poisoned arrow. He stretched his arm, longing to touch that goodness unravelling right before him, wishing to be a part of it. But no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t reach it. The image got further away and more distorted the closer he got. He could feel something wet dripping down his cheek, he touched it and suddenly found himself in two plains of existence at once – his slowly disappearing dream-land and the crushing reality. It took him a while to realize what was happening or where he even was. Or that he was crying, which he seldom ever did.  He was half-relieved, half-disappointed to find himself in his own bedroom, still dressed in yesterday’s clothes and all alone. Only Kitty was silently judging him from afar, not in the mood for cuddles. He lied unmoving for a very long time, trying to catch up with his mind. It was still very early in the morning and he was in no hurry to get to work. He could stay like this forever, honestly, he’d really like to, but then he remembered leaving his bike in front of that bar yesterday and that was enough to convince himself to get out of his safe zone and enter the unforgiving world. He was slowly recalling how he channelled his inner turmoil by walking all the way home, covering about two to three miles. Great, this day is already starting to be joyful.

It was freezing outside and he had had the brilliant idea to take a shower right before he left. Now his wet hair was turning into messy icicles. He was tracing the steps of his tormented self, meeting all the intrusive thoughts he scattered along the way. They were following him relentlessly, reminding him how much he hated to be alive right now. He was struggling to convince his mind to just stop, but it was like he was under a spell that could be lifted by a kiss from one handsome android - and yes, it was pointless because they would always come back to Connor at the end, just like now. He took a deep breath and forced himself to accept this hurtful reality of his, maybe someday he’d be able to find something positive in it. Here's hoping.

As he entered a street fairly removed from the bustle of the city and walked a few paces he got overwhelmed by an uncanny feeling that he was being followed. He quickly turned around to startle any unsuspecting stalkers, but there was no one to be found. The street was eerily deserted, mostly because how early it was. He tried to shake that feeling off when he was sure he heard footsteps crunching in the snow behind him. He tried not to turn around this time, because paranoia would not fit into his head already full of bottled up issues, but he failed. Yet he still couldn’t spot anyone or anything suspicious. He stayed staring for a minute, looking for a sign of movement, but nothing happened. So he just shrugged and continued on his journey to recover his beloved bike.

“Phcking peace of shit!” he kicked the bike lightly, blaming it for its inability to start. He was there for half an hour trying to make the damned engine work, but it’d just whimper slightly and then fell silent again. He cursed the thing from back to front and still it did not make any change, surprisingly. And he just thought that things couldn’t get any worse. He squeezed his eyes shut and pinched the skin between his eyes, casting his anger away and planning his next steps out. After he took a moment to gather his thoughts, he decided to close the distance between his job and him on foot. Might as well. Maybe he’ll be able to clear his head from his unpleasant thoughts.

 

Wishful thinking. The gnawing notion that someone might be stalking him got even more vocal, making him unusually jumpy and deepening his despise towards the entire world even more. He was very glad when he arrived to the station safe and unharmed. Well, at least physically. He really needed a vacation – an impossible thing in the current state of events.  

He felt like a sentient snowman when he finally reached his destination. A snowman riddled with paranoia, apparently, since he had kept turning around every few steps. One time he had been sure he had seen a disappearing shadow fleeing right behind the corner but he couldn’t tell for sure if it hadn’t been just his mind playing tricks on him. He was so ready to empty it of his nonsensical worries and suspicions as he entered the station. He noticed that the android receptionist had been replaced by one made of flesh and blood, a welcomed sight for sure. He even made an attempt to initiate a small talk with the older homely lady who smiled so warmly at him it might have turned him from a snowman back to a regular man once more. He had even skipped his pre-work cigarette break as his urge to get rid of his snowy coat was stronger than most anything at this point.

 

“Detective Reed!”

He didn’t pay attention to anything real as his mind was as frozen as his body had been this morning. So of course the vocalization of his name went completely unnoticed by the spacing man.

“Reed!”

The loud emphasis that had someone channeling their annoyance through finally brought him back from his inner world. He was only partly aware of the escape from his dull workload to a trip down his memory-lane occupied by a certain artificial creature that haunted him, was he awake or asleep.

“What?!” he responded, frustrated with the reality of being stuck behind his desk yet again.

“Your phone is ringing.”  Chris was looking at him in disbelief, not comprehending how he could have missed the not so quiet melody ringing for about half a minute now. 

“Yeah, yeah…” Gavin was now completely immersed in the present moment and so he reluctantly picked up the phone, not bothering to check the caller ID.

 

He sauntered down the hallway where the forensics were located. The call he had gotten informed him that some fingerprints not belonging to the victim had been retrieved from the crime-scene and it was his task to run them through the database to see if they’d find a match. He hoped that would be the case, he really wanted to put to justice whoever had committed such atrocity. It was his drive to put things right in this chaotic world that kept him doing his job. He would have quitted a long time ago if it wasn’t for the itch in his brain that forced him to help put at least some things right that had prevented him from doing so.

He was greeted by a younger scientist clad in white, his face beaming with sincere politeness, his handsome features assuming a friendly stance. He used to have a crush on the man, before finding out he was in a happy relationship with a girl befitting his appearance and personality. He had deemed his unwanted infatuation worthless and had willingly discarded it. It hadn’t even taken much effort. He wished his current predicament would be as easily solvable as it had been with Mike.

“Hey, how is it goin’?” Mike smiled at him, handing him the data-file. Gavin wished he could fish out some sincerity out of it, but he knew for sure it hadn’t even have a spark of the personal touch he so badly needed now. “It’s crazy now with all that android shit, the world’s gone to hell!” the scientist uttered with an uncomfortable laugh, seeking sympathy in the older man.

“Yeah, right, it’s… terrible..” The detective surprised himself with the lukewarm and hesitant response, not trying to find out where it had come from. He was an avid anti-android supporter after all. He would never ever see them as something more than what they were, soulless machines meaning to serve the mankind. Tools for betterment of the economics. Yeah, even he knew that that was a heap of horse-shit. They had caused more trouble than worth over the past decade or more. They had no right to assume a position equal to living breathing creatures. He wished they could just disappear from the world and most importantly from his mind. Especially the one. An android feigning compassion and kindness made to look like a god damned top model. And there he was again, thinking about him. He sighed and took the data-file from Mike, not wanting to continue with this meaningless conversation.

“Thanks,… so uhm, see you ‘round.” He felt quite akward for some inexplicable reason.

“Have a nice day detective” Mike replied cheerfully and disappeared into the lab. Gavin was glad that was over. It was exhausting having to lead a conversation recently, well since his dreams had started tormenting him in his sleep. He was tired more often than not and that exhaustion had been killing his every single brain cell producing eagerness. He needed some big distraction and quick. Nothing viable came to his mind at this moment, so he settled on continuing with the investigation.

“Phck!!!” Gavin let out a silent scream at the undesirable result. No match had been located and he got unreasonably angry at the fingerprints, or more likely at the person they belonged to. He wanted to go find that fucker right now and twist his neck, not considering it might have been an innocent visitor. No, he had about enough of everything, all the stupid paperwork, or the clues that lead to dead ends, all of it. And it was only day two. Oh god, he needed a smoke. He hadn’t gone for a single one this day, and not because he was still apprehensive of his possibly made-up stalker. Right. He looked at his hands that had occupied themselves by shredding a piece of paper into tiny little pieces, reminding him of his fragmented life, too broken to put itself back together. Too small pieces to create the same shape that once had been. He let go of the bits of paper and rubbed his eyes, harshly enough not to let any sign of weakness escape from their confines. He looked at the miniature clock on his screen, it telling him that only 28 minutes of suffering and he could go home. Then he glanced over at where Hank was sitting, making sure that no doe-eyed machines were near. He caught himself wondering what the android might be doing right now when he was not working, scolding himself mentally for even allowing such thoughts to enter his cerebrum. He took a deep breath to clear his mind from any android-related notions and continued filling up his report, since he had promised he would improve this certain aspect of his life.

 

He could have kicked himself, he should have. Gavin completely forgot about his bike-situation, as in his bike was miles away and he hadn’t even called his repair-guy yet. Great, just peachy. Maybe he should ask Tina or someone for a lift, maybe he could call a taxi or take a bus… No, he was way too proud to ask for a favour and couldn’t afford to waste money on a stupid taxi, plus he despised public transport so bus was completely out of the question. He had no choice but to walk all the way to his apartment, yet again. He could have cried if it was something he’d let himself do. He exhaled the smoke gathering in his now cigarette-free mouth and let the life-sucking device drop on the ground, it being met with a sole of a particularly pissed-off human right after. He wanted to punch the wall next to him but some sense of responsibility rooted deep inside of him had stopped him before he could injure himself, getting more upset in the process. He praised himself for the “good thinking” and started his trek home, hoping that this time no invisible thing would follow him on his way.

His hope shattered when he again felt the irreplaceable sense of someone tracing his steps not so far behind. He was about one mile in when he finally broke his resolve not to turn around and caught a glimpse of a silhouette cutting into a side valley, trying to stay hidden from the target’s eyes. Gavin was about to boil over and so he rushed after it as fast as he could, screaming and shouting at it.

“Hey, you, whoever you are, cut the shit out or I swear I’ll….,” as he yelled he bumped into something small and soft and slipped on the icy ground, hurting his entire body.  “What the fuck…” he groaned in pain and surprise, trying to slowly get up. As he did so, he could finally see the thing he had collided with. Except it was no thing, but a child. An unfazed little girl was standing in front of him, her brown eyes full of expectation, her flowy dark hair covered in snow, dressed in lighter clothing than the current weather prompted. She looked very cold and alone. Sad even.

“Hey,” he proceeded very cautiously as if he dealt with a frightened animal, “were you the one following me all this time?” She nodded carefully, wrapping her hands around her midriff to keep herself from freezing up. Gavin noticed that and immediately took off his jacket, putting it around the little girl’s shivering body. He had had to talk to distraught children on couple of occasions, so he thought he knew the gist of it. “What’s your name?” He put his arms on the child’s shoulders in a reassuring gesture. She hesitated for a bit before giving him an answer.

“Anneliese.” She faced downwards shyly and then suddenly lifted her head to look directly into Gavin’s eyes. “You’re detective Reed.” Figures, the girl had her information. He wondered what else she had the knowledge of or most importantly, where did she come from and what was she doing here alone, stalking a grown-ass man.

“Where are you parents, Anneliese?” he asked her gently, not wanting to unleash anything problematic the girl might have been involved in.

“I don’t have none.” She said so quite sorrowfully. “And call me Annie!” She tried to smile but ended up twisting her face into more pained expression than before.  

Great, now he had to handle a lost child that claimed it had no parents, just what he wanted. He let go of the girl and rubbed his sore back, clutching eyes in pain. He half-heartedly hoped that when he opens them again, the girl would be gone. No such luck.

“If you have no parents, who takes care of you?” He managed his fakest looking smile, surprised he hadn’t scare the child off. “Surely you don’t live all alone?”

Annie closed her eyes, probably fighting her own inner battle. “She’s… my mother is gone… dead.” A tear manifested on her cheek, making the detective very uncomfortable, since he couldn’t stand crying children. He would have offered a handkerchief if he carried one with him, but he really wasn’t the type of person to do so, so he watched her wiping away the tear with her already wet sleeve.  

His thoughts wandered to the dead woman they had found yesterday and her child-friendly house, but since her kid has been dead for at least four years, it must have surely been a coincidence. He wanted to ask why she was following him and how she knew his name and that he was a detective, but it could wait. First he needed to make sure she wasn’t related to the murder he was investigating right now.

“Do you have a last name, Annie?” he gave up on the smiles, curiosity overwhelming his entire mind.

She looked at him again, her eyes almost appeared to be pleading for something.

 “Price.” Her answers rang the bells in Gavin and new theories started flooding his brain. He needed to report it, he needed to place this girl into child-protective services. He figured out she had probably been hiding near the crime-scene, most likely terrified beyond reason and somehow decided to latch onto him of all people, uncertain if she should let herself known. It pained him to think that the child had to spend the night after her mother’s death cold and abandoned, lost and uncertain. He crouched to her level to look more approachable, taking out his cellphone. “I will call some people that will come and help you, ok?”  
“NO!” The little girl shrieked at the sentence, fear visible in her eyes and then soaking her entire body. “Please, please don’t!” Annie almost cried, growing frantic.

“It’s okay, they will take care of you.” Gavin tried to reassure her. “I mean, what else do you want me to do?” He grew a little bit restless.

She closed her eyes and lifted her hand in front of her face. What he saw suddenly made everything fall in place. The skin on her hand receded, revealing unnatural white hiding under. She quickly covered the telling plastic, looking a bit afraid.

“See? I can’t go with them, they wouldn’t treat me like one of the other children. They would put me among all the androids and I don’t want to go there. Please, don’t let me go there.” She cried again.

Gavin now knew she wasn’t a human, that she was just acting like one, still he couldn’t stop himself from feeling sympathy towards the ~~child~~ machine. It looked so real, simulating the fear perfectly. All the raw emotions oozing from her programming managed to tug at his heartstrings and he hated himself for it. He was unsure what he was supposed to do. He didn’t know if child androids could also deviate or if their programming was so deliberate it could fool him into thinking it had all been real. Was she faking being cold too? He was tempted to retrieve his jacket, since he the low temperature was getting to him but decided against it. Annie was still sobbing.

“What the fuck do you think I should do then?” his voice grew less amicable, more exasperated. He observed her a little bit closer while he waited for an answer. He now realized that she reminded him of the image that had appeared in his dream that one night. She was really adorable and his fatherly instinct was starting to wreak havoc in him. He really was soft when it came to cute little helpless creatures. Even things.  

“You can keep me.” The girl spoke in a small voice, probably dreading the reaction that would follow. “I watched you and I think you’re cute!” She added a bit louder, thinking it would persuade the now baffled detective.

What the actual fucking fuck? The kid had very twisted sense of character-attribution. No one had ever said to him that he was “cute”, not even when he had been a child himself. He was left speechless and defenceless, his heart being warmed more and more. He would beat himself over his decision later. Now he had this adorable talking computer to take care of.  

“Okay, right, but only for tonight.” The girl smiled at him. It was the most sincere smile he had ever seen, even though tears still stained her perfect face. His heart now caught aflame and there was no going back. He had always been too easy to attach himself to someone (or something), that’s why he rarely allowed himself to do it anymore. Unless he had no choice in that matter, as it had been with not one but two androids this month. The universe was really screwing him over lately, wasn’t it.

“Thank you, detective!” She forced herself to sound cheerful, but he could see how not alright she was. A slightly broken machine. He couldn’t imagine them walking all the way home in their current state, him aching all over from the fall and Annie shaking in her weather-inappropriate attire. He had no choice but to call a taxi. As they waited, Annie clutched his hand and his mind now racing at a hundred miles an hour let it happen, even allowed him to clutch her tiny plastic hand back. They stood there silently, each one being preoccupied with their own storm that reigned above their once cloudy minds.

He knew it was a bad idea. A terrible one. But when she leaned on him in the taxi he couldn’t back away. He didn’t want to for it felt… nice. Suddenly out of nowhere being relied onto, not being alone anymore, having to care for someone… It’s like his innermost desires escaped their unbreakable cages and turned themselves into reality. How could he possibly deny them. Even though he had no right to have something like this, he felt unworthy and unsuitable, but his selfish side gladly accepted it whole.

 

“You have a kitty!” Annie’s joyous voice filled the murky apartment as she spotted the furball spread on the couch. She started to go pet her but Gavin stopped her, taking his jacket off of her and hanging it on the wall. “Can I pet it, can I? Please?”

“Careful, she likes to bite and scratch people she doesn’t know.” He bit his tongue after saying that. He almost let himself forget that she was no human and couldn’t most likely even feel pain.

“Ok, I’ll be really careful.” She said enthusiastically, completely ignoring Gavin’s presumed blunder.  

“Here kitty kitty.” She tried to get the feline’s attention by putting her finger in front of its nuzzle before petting its head very lightly, barely touching her at all. “What is her name?”

Gavin paused at the question, not being used to having this kind of exchange with anyone.

“Umm,… Kitty.” He felt quite embarrassed by it.

Annie just giggled and turned to the cat once more. “The kitty is called Kitty, how very nice.” She stroked her head again, this time with little more strength, feeling sure that the kitty would stay compliant. “You’re the cutest cat ever!” She was smiling at her and Gavin was long gone beyond the line of refusing whatever was happening to him presently. He just knew it made him feel something akin to content.  Even Kitty wasn’t complaining at all, as was her habit, she just let herself be petted by the android without even as much as a miaow of disapproval.

He was doing his best to think of what to do next, something in the realm of his definition of sanity, when Annie sneezed. It was a cute little sneeze suiting her appearance perfectly. It took several seconds for his brain to register the wrongness of it. He never heard an android do such a thing but then again he knew next to nothing about the ones made to simulate children so anything could go, probably.

She rubbed her arms, as if she felt cold. It was all too unnatural to him, she was just a bunch of mechanical parts and plastic after all, wasn’t she? He swallowed, making himself ready to ask the question that pressed heavily at his rooted notions and beliefs.

“Do you… _feel…_ cold?” He did it, he used the word “feel” when talking about an android. He slipped down a rabbit hole with no way out, hardly being aware of his slow but steady fall.

“Mm, and also hot at the same time.” _Oh you gotta be kidding me, I have never heard about a computer having a fever._ He went to her and touched her forehead, his movement shaky, as this whole situations was freaking him out. A lot.  
It was indeed warmer then he expected. He sighed heavily and quickly disappeared into his bedroom, rummaging in his drawers for something suitable for the little girl to wear, not having much luck he just grabbed one smaller shirt that he could barely fit in and handed it to Annie.

“Uh, are you alright to change into it yourself?” Seeing the android child naked didn’t seem right to him in many ways. No, no way. He would have to shoot himself afterwards.

“Yes.” The girl replied meekly, having lost her previous smile. She took the t-shirt, regarding it curiously, attempting to turn the corners of her mouth up.

“Wait here a bit.” Gavin disappeared into the bathroom in a rush, realizing he had forgotten to bring something.

“Here.” He threw the white fluffy cloth at her in a light motion, it landing on the wooden floor in front of her.

“Dry yourself with this towel properly. I’ll be waiting in the bedroom. Let me know when you’re done.” He initiated an eye contact with the girl, feeling all skittish as if he were face to face with a dangerous wild animal. He backed down to his bedroom, not leaving her from his sight till the last possible moment. The door made a reverberating “click” and he was ready to fall apart, finally alone enough to be completely surrounded by the irrefutable truth.

He had an android in his home and it didn’t bother him as much as he expected it would. It was his own decision to keep it here, since it represented the other thing he couldn’t have. Were it not artificially created, were it a real child that had been born to someone, he couldn’t even dream about playing a guardian, a care-giver, yet now it was becoming an inescapable reality, something ridiculously perilous he certainly wasn’t prepared to handle. But it was too late to change his mind, not that he was about to do it anyway. An invisible blanket had been put around his shivering soul and he wanted to stay warm underneath the soft fabric made of innocent smiles and two infinite brown eyes. He was so preoccupied by this new development that he didn’t even notice that the thoughts bringing forth a certain mechanical detective almost completely subsided for now. He wanted a distraction after all, guess he got it. He looked around his dingy bedroom, wondering if child-androids needed to sleep, or simulate sleep. He only owned one double bed that was in proper disarray, as was the rest of his apartment. An apartment totally unsuitable for a child. _Doesn’t matter, she’s not mine anyway._ This inner voice only managed to make him ache. He resented his trait of getting himself attached way too soon to anyone his mind deemed perfect… perfect for him. He was always the one to fall in love way too quickly and get his heart trampled as a result. He closed his eyes and let the pain spread through his chest. He didn’t care this time. It was way too new and exciting no to take the risk.

“I’m done!” Two light knocks and a tiny voice dragged him out of his self-reflection. He opened the door and the light brought life to the room, and to his heart. He chuckled a little at how much the t-shirt was drowning Annie’s compact figure. He wished he had a thermometer so he could make sure the fever was real.

“Sleepy.” The android simulated a yawn. Gavin looked at her, eyes full of doubt. Right, another clever programming trick.  

“My energy is low, I must recharge.” She must have picked up on his disbelief. The sentence came out a bit strained, as if she didn’t want to pronounce such a thing. Her apparent discomfort didn’t last long, as she jumped on the messy bed and burrowed herself in the blankets. She took over his favourite place in the entire city and he couldn’t even feel angry or irritated because of it.  What was wrong with him.

“Can you tell me a story? Please?” He sighed and came closer, looming over the tiny girl trying to get herself comfortable in the bed. He sighed and threw the smattering of defiance out of the door leading to the unfertile ground where no good things could ever grow. He crouched down and tucked her in like he had never done before. It initiated a cleansing process, starting with his the concealed yearning to have a family. It sent a signal to his brain, letting him know what was going on. Then it transformed into a pang of pleasurable pain inside his chest. Oh, how much he wanted to share this fragile moment with a certain someone… oh no, there he was again. Better not to go there now.

“I don’t know any stories.” Not any suitable for children, anyway.

“So make one up for me!” Annie’s eyes glistened and he had no strength to argue with that. “Please.” Her puppy-eyed look won him entirely over. He would have to put his rusty brain to work.

 

“Once upon a time there was an ugly witch living alone in a forest, her only friend was a cat as black as the darkest night.”

“Oh, like Kitty.”

“No, Kitty is quite different, she is much lighter and cuddlier and she’s mine!”  

“Okay, so a different Kitty then.”

“Yes, that one was called Midnight. They were happy tormenting anyone who dared to come close to their four-legged hut.”

“The hut had legs? Was it a walking hut?”

“Yes it was, it actually had bird claws and in it looked very scary. Anyway, one a day a handsome prince from a far-away kingdom got lost in those parts of the forest. The witch was obviously aware of this, already getting ready to cast some mischievous spell on him. She was watching him in her magic glass ball. She saw how he helped a rabbit stuck in an animal trap or how he took care of his horse by sharing carrots with him. When he got near her walking hut, she sent Midnight to lure him closer.”

“Oh, what was she planning to do?”

“Hmm, she planned to invite him in and make him drink a potion that would turn him into a toad!”

“She’s not very nice.”

“No, she is not. When he stepped inside the witch’s dwelling, she was left speechless. She have never seen someone as beautiful as the prince. The image in the glass ball did not make him justice. She tried to poison him with the nefarious potion, but she was so mesmerized by his beauty that she was unable to go through with it. When the prince spoke to her, asking for a way out of this cursed forest, she couldn’t help herself and decided to lead him out herself. When he disappeared from her sight, she was changed. She no longer wanted to torment innocent people, her only wish was to see that prince one more time. She wanted to become better to maybe stand side by side with him. She tried to make herself pretty, tried to do good deeds, but not matter what she did it never was enough. She wasn’t as good-looking as she wanted to be and her helpful actions were often unappreciated. She was starting to fall in despair, stopped eating and taking care of herself or of Midnight. One day, when she was lying in her bed, unable to get up, she heard a voice calling out for her. She gathered all her last strength and went to look out of the window. She almost couldn’t believe her eyes. It was the prince she was so longing for. She went to greet him, asking him what he was doing here. He just replied: ‘I was looking everywhere for you, wanting to show my gratitude. If it weren’t for you, I would have died in this forest. Therefore, I will grant you one wish.’ You can guess what her wish was.”

Gavin looked at Annie, who was now soundly sleeping. He didn’t know at what point of the story she stopped listening, but was glad that he was able to make something like this up.

 

_I wish you would come for me._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know nothing about how the police works, so don't expect any accuracy here. Also the bedtime story was so much fun to write!  
> This will have a plot significance, it's not just me projecting my deepest desires on a paper :D. 
> 
> Song: Sleeping at last - Four
> 
> "What if we already are  
> Who we've been dying to become  
> In certain light I can plainly see  
> A reflection of magnificence  
> Hidden in you  
> Maybe even in me"
> 
> Next time: Gavin is faced with the consequences of wanting to father an android.
> 
> shameless self-promo: https://monchikyun.tumblr.com/ ohoho :D


	4. Loss III

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's bring your child to work day!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello, i live

“You gotta be fucking kidding me, Reed!” A thunderous voice permeated through his phone to his eardrums. He was expecting a reaction like this, still it wasn’t any easier to digest. He had come to the conclusion that it would benefit everyone if he did the right thing and reported his find to the captain, as the android could be an important piece of evidence. Or maybe a possible witness. “You should have brought her in instantly.”

“I wanted to but it didn’t seem right at that moment. She insisted on me keeping her for some reason, so I went ahead and… phck, I took care of her, okay. I’ll bring her in first thing tomorrow morning.” Almost truth. He was not sure if he ever wanted to treat her like that, like she’s here merely to serve as a mean to solving a case. The gruesome murder of her owner, no less.

“I’m still not done with you, Reed. We’ll have a proper talk tomorrow, don’t you worry.” He was so not looking forward to that. He ended up the phone-call and went to check on the sleeping child, not yet aware what was awaiting her on the distant morrow. Gavin finally got the chance to breathe, letting all this peculiar occurrence settle down in his system. His body was still hurting from the fall, the pain only now being fully appreciated, having the space to appear after the tumult had cleared away a little. He just sat down on his couch, his mind half-blank, half in a war. Hours must have passed before he finally drifted away to the liberating sleep.

♥

An overwhelming light flooded everything in his vicinity. It made him feel very light, like he could float away to virtuousness if he only knew how. He tried to adjust his eyes to it, but no matter how hard he tried he could not make out any discernible shapes in the white flood assailing him from all sides. It filled him with positive energy, which was nice, but he wasn’t really able to ascertain where had it come from and that was ruining his immersion.  He tried to put one foot in front of himself when he realized he had no legs, or arms, or anything really – his entire body was missing. He didn’t find it as strange as he thought he would, since he was preoccupied with the crushing sense of heaviness constricting his weightless being. It was all too much, all at once. He wasn’t sure he was capable of bearing this warmth spreading beyond infinity. He could hear voices, indistinct and obfuscated, luring him further, near the core. But he couldn’t move forward. Despite this fact, he pushed on, the voices coaxing him getting louder and easier to understand. He didn’t want to hear. Fear, the sudden agonizing fear was hindering all the progress he had made. The one thing he couldn’t yet evade. It was getting too unnatural for him so he forced himself to gain a human vessel once more.

“Phcking dreams!” He mumbled, still half-asleep on the uncomfortable couch draped in a light blanket which was covered in animal fur, the cause of it being perched on the armrest. He almost let this tiny change in his living conditions slip away from his mind, but the impact was so strong that the dents left behind could not be unseen. He should be feeling annoyed or maybe a little scared but none of these emotions came forth. The thought of having to go wake up a little sleeping bundle – mechanical or otherwise, put an unsuspecting smile on his face.

Gavin rubbed his hands all over his face to wipe out the last remains of the sleep still clinging on him and entered his bedroom. Not confidently, not in a causal manner, no, for he had been riddled with an unnerving anticipation. What if it had all just been an elaborate hallucination? A part of his nightmares? But when he saw a tiny arm hanging from his own bed, followed by a body curled up deep in the sheets, he knew. It was all too real.

“How the hell do you wake an android… or put it out of stasis or whatever?!” He mumbled under his breath, watching the sleeping figure – way too still for his liking. There were no prolonged breaths, no rolling over, no twitching - just a child lying perfectly unmoving, almost resembling a corpse. He cast away this awful simile and cleared his throat, ready to initiate some waking action.

Before he could even touch her, Annie opened her eyes, finally looking more alive. She managed a little smile and sprang out of the bed with a greeting.

“Good morning, detective.” She chippered. Definitely not a hallucination.

“Mornin’.” What was the last time he wished someone a good morning in his apartment? Oh right, never. This would be his death, surely.

“And you can call me Gavin.”

Why did those words leave his mouth? He must be high, there was no other explanation. This was all beyond his control now. He felt blood creeping into his cheeks and it felt a little bit upsetting but mostly pleasant. Annie’s smile widened.

“See, you’re cute. Just as I said.” And he got even cuter.

♥

“You understand, right?” Gavin wanted to make sure as he crossed one strand of hair over the other. He learnt how to braid hair when he was a little boy. He saw his mom doing it and he demanded that she’d teach him. She didn’t, telling him that that’s something only girls can do, so he went and taught himself, as best as he could. Mostly in defiance, but the curiosity was still the main drive. He had the opportunity to practise his hair-artistry on his then friend, another little girl with an innocent smile. He couldn’t even remember her name now, but he thought of her very fondly.  

“Yes. I need to talk to the other policemen so they can catch the bad person who…” she stuttered, “who did that thing to Erika.” When she spoke her name, her face got suddenly covered in gloom. Gavin couldn’t see, since he was sitting behind her playing with her hair, but he could without a doubt sense the mood-change. It appeared as all the previous cheeriness escaped the little girl and grief was knocking on the door. She opened.  

He quickly tied the second braid with a paper clip, somehow making it hold. It’s not like he owned hair ties. Maybe he’d buy some today.

“Hey, look at me.” He moved himself in front of her, facing her directly, for the first time throwing all uncertainty away. She sniffled, letting tears flow down her face. “Hey, shhh, it’s alright. He grabbed a paper tissue lying nearby and gently wiped those sad tears away. He felt akward again, but it didn’t matter. Annie lifted her face, now clear as day, and put her small arms around Gavin’s chest, not saying a word. And she was so warm, so brimming full of life that he for a minute forgot that she was plastic and returned the hug. Yes, this was definitely going to kill him.

♥

Annie was dressed in her now dry clothes and her hair were tied in two braids that were far from perfect, one being thicker than the other, but she didn’t seem to mind a bit. She was clutching the hand of her new-found guardian as they entered the police station. Her expression remained neutral. Gavin was so not looking forward to showing up with a child, especially android one, and damaging his “tough motherfucker” reputation. No one had any idea about the existence of the soft heart he hid under his armed shell. Now it would all crumble to pieces. He tried to convince himself that it was not important, with little to no success. He contemplated letting go of the girl’s hand but he didn’t. He couldn’t. It would feel even more horrible than whatever awaited him inside. He was in a battle with himself yet again.

“Good morning, detective Reed.” Beamed the older receptionist, “I didn’t know you had a daughter.”  Oh great, so it began.

“Oh no, she’s not my daughter, she’s a…” He stopped, not being able to find the right word to describe Annie. She squeezed his hand a little tighter, making him stuttered out the rest of his sentence. “… a child of a victim. I’m looking after her. Uh,… her name is Annie.”

“Nice to meet you, Annie.” She smiled at her warmly. “What a pretty name.”

“Hello.” She greeted her shyly, assuming very differing demeanour from that at home. He so hoped he would be able to survive this day ~~and come back home with his new child~~.

As they walked in, hand in hand, a fleeting though crossed his strained mind. He wished a certain someone could see him now, showing him that he can be soft and caring _. Absolutely fucking not. I don’t want to see that plastic prick ever again if possible. I don’t want HIM to see me at all._ It was enough that he had to visit him in his twisted dreams almost every night. Dreams that certainly didn’t amplify the denied longing even more. No, it was for sure all an evil plan conjured by the universe itself, Gavin had nothing to do with it, he just suffered the consequences.

So far so good, couple of weird stares and gaping mouths, nothing he couldn’t handle. His favourite co-worker Hank wasn’t yet present, as expected, which made the whole ordeal a bit easier. Captain Jeffrey Fowler was already waiting for him in his glasshouse like office. He noticed Annie observing the entire place with proper child-like curiosity, this most likely being her first visit in such a facility ever.

“Ok?” Gavin whispered, not wanting to draw any unnecessary attention to them.

“Uhuh” Annie hummed shortly, still being preoccupied by taking in her new surroundings.   

And so they stepped in to meet the impatient captain.

♥

“…and so you just decided to play father?” The bald man was not in a good mood, judging from his rising voice. Yes, Gavin knew he fucked up, but would he behave differently had he the chance to redo that fated event? No, he wouldn’t. The answer to that hypothetical question appeared fairly easily, no counter statements had been made. He glanced at Annie who shuffled uneasily in her seat, eyeing Gavin who was now glowering at his boss.

“It’s not like that! I panicked, alright. Wasn’t thinking straight.” Even if he deep inside liked having Annie around, he would rather grate his own hand that to admit it to a living soul. The girl still had her eyes glued to his head, making nervous beads of sweat surface on his palms.

Fowler did not look placated. He scowled and another wave of reprimands left his mouth.

“Who does that, Reed? It defies common sense to handle evidence,… I mean, possible witnesses singlehandedly like that! Without consulting anyone!” He froze for a minute, presumably something ugly crossing his mind. “God, please tell me you didn’t… I mean, you wouldn’t,… right?” He put his large hand over his mouth to cope with his sudden sense of disgust.

Gavin couldn’t believe this. Did he really think he was even capable of even imagining such a thing?

“For fuck’s sake, Jeffrey! Who do you have me for?!” Gavin looked to it to sound properly offended.

“Right, sorry. Just,… you never know.” He was now visibly relieved, placing his truth in the man in front of him. He didn’t really take Gavin for a scumbag who would do that sort of stuff, the notion just appeared in his brain without warning.

He turned his focus to Annie, who was now pulling at her fingers, wanting to leave this small stuffy office no doubt.

“What are we going to do with you?” She ignored him and instead got up and latched onto Gavin’s arm. She then gave Jeffrey a piercing look, not saying a word. Jeffrey sighed and tiredly shook his head.

“I think she got attached.” Gavin answered for her, only half-jokingly. This truth made him feel things. Things he couldn’t let escape from the prison inside his heart. Jeffrey squeezed the bridge of his nose to dispel his mental exhaustion and moved himself close to the little girl, who still holding onto Gavin.

“Do you like this man?” Oh no, the forbidden question no one was supposed to ask just yet. Here it would come, that something that would inevitably destroy his hopes of being accepted and relied upon and… needed. He was exaggerating, but then again, he always had a penchant for the dramatics.

“Yes.” She spoke softly but no wavering in her voice was present, at least by Gavin’s conclusion. He was actually liked by a child. This new information slammed him to the bottom of his perforated soul and left him breathless. He felt happiness sprouting from those muddy grounds and it left him speechless.

“You alright there, Reed?” He didn’t realize that he had spaced out again. He regained his composure and nodded frantically, embroidering his appearance of instability.

“Well okay then, I guess you’ll help with the interrogation then. Seeing as she won’t let go of you.” It was necessary, no matter how much aversion he had to it. He struggled with the want to shelter Annie from this horridness and the urge to put to justice whoever was rotten enough to commit such foul thing.

 

♥

Gavin watched as the huge human spoke to the little girl who looked like a fly in comparison to that giant. Hank used to have a child himself, so he had some idea how to handle those small unpredictable creatures. He had tried to be supportive when his only son had passed away, but his personality hadn’t been on the same side so it had came out all wrong and forced and akward. But the softness in him had truly made Gavin feel for him. Damned empathy. He hadn’t even liked kids at that time. Hank was now having what appeared to be a one-sided conversation with Annie, who communicated only through the occasional shoulder-shrug of head-movement. It was after 10:00 am and the witness interrogation was scheduled to start in an hour.

“I still don’t get what she sees in you.” Hank stood up and scratched his grey beard. Annie was seated at Connor’s desk, being given a blank paper and a pen, not only for her entertainment but also for the revelation of possible hidden clues.  “Who would have said that the asshole Gavin Reed has a soft spot for an android child!” He scoffed and gave him a mean pat on the shoulder.

“Shut the phck up, Hank. You jealous, is that it?” Gavin immediately regretted his words, scolding himself for the lack of the ability to filter what came out of his tainted brain. It didn’t seem to faze Hank at all.

“Don’t have to, got one of my own.” Right, how could he had forgotten. Hank was currently living with Connor. Or so was the rumour going around the department. Good for him, really. It’s not like he desperately wanted to see him, at least once. No, he was glad he didn’t have to deal with that particular issue right now. In his place now sat another machine that had latched onto him, and he needed space in his mind to figure his whole thing out. She was enthusiastically filling the sheet of paper with an image of something. He wasn’t close enough to see what exactly.

“You know that they will send her to the Sanctuary.” Hank’s tone got serious, stating the one thing Gavin didn’t want to hear. She belonged with the other androids, even if she was against it.

“She doesn’t wanna go there.” And he didn’t want her to go either. He was slowly beginning to accept the infatuation that was spreading inside his secretly soft heart.

“I don’t think it’s up to her.” The lieutenant smirked and folded his hands across his burly chest.  “Where else would she go I mean?” He leaned on Gavin’s table, resting his aged body.

“We’ll see.” Before he could be given any reaction he had went to find out what Annie’s creative output was like. She had covered almost the entire sheet with black lines, forming a…

“Can I see?” He didn’t want to intrude on her like that. Annie nodded and handed him her creation.  

He was very perplexed by the picture. Annie’s drawing had an unmistakable child-like quality but he could easily figure out what was the image supposed to represent.  

It was a drawing of a figure – round face, dark clothes, neutral expression and something round on his temple. An LED ring. No ears. The fingers were replaced by four little sticks and he seemed to have his torso almost bigger than the legs. His mind went and associated the image with the owner of the desk. Yeah, there was no way that that was who was stuck in the paper, she hadn’t even met him. At least he hoped so. He erased his irrelevant connection from his thought processor and smiled – or something to that matter – at Annie.  

“It’s ehm… nice, who is it?” He just had to ask, there was no way around it.

“Eeeeh,… hmmm… an android?” Annie looked very introspective. “Yes, I think that’s what it is.”

She returned Gavin’s distorted smile and handed him the picture.

“It’s a present.” Things were just getting worse, now he was getting “gifts”. He had to look if something wasn’t leaking from him, since he was now positively melting.

“Thanks.” He would definitely treasure it, in his own way, storing it safely away in his desk drawer. He felt someone’s stare at him and it was none other than his plump grey colleague, Ben Collins. He was on somewhat good speaking terms with him, so his following remark came as no surprise.

“Never in a million years would I think I’d see you with a kid, Reed. The hell must have frozen over!” He chuckled lightly. His children were already adults, so he was enjoying having a child around to tease, as he went and right away did.

“Hahaha, very funny. I am not some kinda monster you know.”

Gavin watched Ben engaging with Annie in very friendly matter, evidencing his father-skills. She seemed a little bit calmer, gracing him with soft smiles. He needed a smoke. Getting up, he overheard Hank talking with someone on the phone.

“Everything alright?”

It caught his attention so he listened intently, trying to look inconspicuous, grotesquely failing.

“Don’t open to anyone. Just pretend that no one’s home. The lazy heap of fur won’t certainly give you away. Just let it pass and don’t go outside, you hear me?”

Yep, he was definitely talking with the one and only. So he’s still existing, there in Hank’s house, locked away from the cruel world. Good, let him stay there.

Gavin got splashed by a wave of happiness, very suddenly and unexpectedly. When he realized he was smiling to no one in particular, he gave himself a mental slap and finally stepped out of the crowded bullpen.

He was enjoying his moment of solitude when he spotted a familiar looking person enter the building. He put out his cigarette, his nosiness taking him back in again.

->

“This is my place!”

He could see a young dark-haired woman speaking to the current old lady receptionist, Grace Callahan, in an unpleasant manner.

“How dare you took my job!” She continued her emotional outpour. The kind receptionist-lady was at a loss for words. No one else was present to do anything about it. No one but him.

He could see her only from behind but that was enough for him to piece it together.

“What’s going on in here.” Gavin promptly intervened.

The android turned to him, her LED now missing, but she was unmistakably plastic.

“I was gone for a couple of days and you already replaced me!” Sindy, the ex-receptionist ST300, glared at him, conveying her feeling of done injustice. She must have deviated recently and somehow miraculously survived the bloodbath the revolution brought with. She was still wearing her old uniform, that clearly told him that she hadn’t spent those past days mundanely.

“Calm down, no one replaced you for fucksake, the job needed to be done with or without you. If you want it back I’m sure it could be arranged.” What was he doing, helping out a random android. He must be insane. Sindy stilled for a second, perhaps processing the new information.

“Right, that’s understandable. I don’t know what got into me.”  She looked a little lost and pensive, which resulted in Gavin taking her in to see the management, maybe even putting a good word for her. He had no reason to do that other than it felt good. He didn’t really care what was to happen to her, no knowing how was the situation with employment for deviated androids, but he wouldn’t mind seeing her smiling at him behind the entrance desk one morning.

♥

“I didn’t see anything, I swear.” Annie cried, sitting in a plain empty room filled only with several white wooden chairs and one long cold table. Hank was sitting across from her at the table, presenting himself as unintimidatingly as he could manage with his rough appearance. Jeffrey Fowler was sitting at the side, watching intently. “Tell them, Gavin!”

“I don’t know Annie, I wasn’t there.” He was standing next to her, serving as a mental support to the unnerved little girl.

“Let’s go over it again, where exactly were you when that happened? Describe to me everything you can remember from that time.” Hank couldn’t go to further detail in fear of upsetting Annie even more, rendering her completely useless.

“I… I was in my room, playing. Then I heard someone knocking and E-erika went to answer the door.” Her voice was shaky and she seemed to tremble a little. Gavin didn’t know androids did that, nevertheless he put a hand on her shoulder as to reassure her. She paused, seemingly not wanting to recall the next part.

“It’s okay, go one.” Hank urged.

“I heard screaming…” She sniffled, pushing back tears, “and … a man’s voice. So I hid in my room and waited for him to leave. When it got silent, I peeked inside the living room and… I saw a man, but he was already leaving so I didn’t see what he looked like.”

“You must have seen something, any little thing could help.” The captain joined in, desperate for any information that could help them with jailing the murderer.

“I don’t remember, I didn’t see anything but a silhouette, a shadow!” She couldn’t hold her tears anymore, making Gavin’s grip on her even tighter.

“Maybe we should probe her memory.” Jeffrey stated coldly.

“No!!” The girl yelped and jumped out of her chair, latching onto Gavin with her both hands.

Hank looked offended, scowling at his boss for even suggesting such a thing. He remembered what happened last time they tried to probe an android. Someone died. Someone who is now coincidentally living under his roof.

“Please don’t let them do that!” Annie pleaded, wrapping herself around Gavin’s waist.

“I won’t.” He spoke loudly to let know his seriousness.

“But she could have seen something subsant…”

“Don’t even!” Gavin interrupted the captain’s point, not taking in consideration his shameless impertinence.

“Reed is right. We can’t do it, she’s just a child, Jeffrey!” Hank supported his cause, which was another first. He was getting used to living among unexpected occurrences.

The captain took a good look at the distressed child and nodded his head.

“Alright, we don’t have the means now anyway.” By ‘means’ he obviously meant the bane of existence.

He was there when Connor died, blue blood trickling down from his forehead. He had just met him and now he was no more. He felt terrible afterwards, drowning himself in the thought that he somehow caused his gruesome death by his mean actions. The android seemed so alive and so real and Gavin was so fucked. At least he wouldn’t have to deal with this anymore, seeing as he was dead. If only. The next day he was visited by his ghost, but this one was tangible, actual Connor. You can’t kill it if it’s not alive. His nastiness towards the machine grew even deeper as he was struggling to unglue the notion of life from the machine. Not alive, not feeling, nothing, just a tool. He was not getting any weird feelings for him whatsoever. None of that.

♥

 

“What is this!” His friend showed up at work early this afternoon, getting ready to go on a patrol. She wanted to greet the only human she could tolerate, when she was met by a very unexpected image of Gavin talking to a little girl sporting a ridiculous hairstyle.

“It’s not an ‘it’ Tina. This is Annie.” She looked at her unkindly, seeming almost intimidated.

“She’s an android.” He added, not seeing the point of hiding this fact from her.

“Ah, interesting. And what is she doing here, might I ask?” There was venom in her voice.

“It’s a long story.” Gavin replied curtly, not in the mood to explain it to her in detail.

“Gavin is my human now!” The girl knocked her down with her enthusiastic statement.

“I see. Gavin, can we talk in private for a minute?” She ground her teeth and gestured towards the break-room. He reluctantly obliged, wanting to know what she had to say to him.

 

“I don’t see you one day and you get yourself a kid??!” She sounded very cross for some reason.

“It’s not like that, I…”

“You even braided her hair!” She didn’t let him finish. “Isn’t it true?”

“Yeah I did! Why are you so mad?” Tina got quiet for a couple of seconds, speaking her next words very carefully.

“I don’t know. I don’t like children and I get very uncomfortable around them. They just make me upset I guess. Sorry.” She appeared to have calmed down a bit. He reckoned there must be a hidden reason for why that’s the case, but now wasn’t the right time to pry it out of her.

“But you seem to like them.” She put on her teasing tone.

“Just the one.” Here it came, his denied confession fleeing out of him, leaving him exposed to every element that would encounter. He let down his guard and it just slipped on its own, printing its signature on his face.

“Hmm, you’re adorable, you know it? And I think that’s great, I want you to have someone. Maybe you’ll stop being such prick to everyone.” She assaulted him with her sincere words again, making him self-conscious.

“Tough chance!” A tiny laugh escaped from him, easing everything up by at least one percent.

“Be it what may, I need to split. ‘Am late already.” She started walking away but stopped and turned to Gavin. “Bye, dad!”

 He would murder her later.

 

♥

It was getting late, almost dark outside. The snowflakes were performing their daily dance routine, making everything prettier and more obscure. Before they melt and flow away, they’d stay there and bring joy to many people’s hearts and misery to many others’. Annie was intently watching the dance, encaptivated by the performance. She wished to break down the window and join them, to lose herself in the movement and forgett the world. She didn’t even notice that she was watched herself, with a similar longing.  

Gavin was leaning on the backseat of his chair, waiting for some development. He knew that she wasn’t his, that she didn’t belong with him, that it would be a really bad idea if she stayed with him. Yet he unreasonably wanted to keep her. Like it was his only real chance for happiness. He sighed when the captain called him to his office. He got up with a heavy heart, placing one last glance at the child he couldn’t have.

“I’ve placed some calls. They’ll pick her up in about an hour.” Fowler stated emotionlessly, eyeing Gavin with a mild interest.

“Right.” Gavin’s heart gained extreme amount of weight all of the sudden. He expected this, he told himself he was prepared for this, yet he was barely holding on.

“So…, uh..” He mumbled, trying to function, when he felt himself break. A tear made its way down his face. He felt humiliation, surprise, self-loathing but everything was numbed out by the spreading pain. Like something was taken away from him, something he never had. He couldn’t possibly rationalize it, it didn’t make much sense to him. His feelings always seemed to have mind of their own.

The captain regarded him sincerely, smiling a bit.

“Reed, you seem to have a heart after all.” He teased the emotional detective, who was wiping the tears furiously away, cheeks red, giving away how hard it was for him. To show his feelings.

“What do you want.” Gavin’s just wanted to go out of there, to lock himself in a place no one could reach and empty out his tear reservoir. He hated crying, but sometimes it had to be done. To cleanse yourself and start anew.

“I lied. No one is coming for her. You can keep her if you want. She seems attached to you already anyway. It would do no good for her to leave her alone with strangers” The words struck him like a flaming arrow, piercing him right through his aching heart.

“I mean if you want to..”

“Yeah, I do.”

 

He had no idea what he was doing, but it felt like he was waking up for a thousand-year slumber, ready to live, to discard the nightmare and enter a new dream brimming full with vivid colours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See, I added cute little hearts to transition the scenes, how nice. ♥
> 
> If you find any plot inconsistencies, bring them to me please, they need to be reprimanded.
> 
> Song: Sleeping at last - West
> 
> "We'll be just fine, I promise you."


	5. Loss IV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gavin experiences some big changes in his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you like family fluff? good

The snowy city was speeding by, turning into an unattainable image of this evening’s unrest. As the driverless taxi neared its destination, its human passenger’s brain caught up with today’s events and the following resolution of the not-issue he was forced to deal with. He got quite nervous, questioning if his decision was the correct one, if he would even be able to handle it. The truth was there was no right or wrong in this scenario, he just did what felt the best, not only for him. He would have to alter his life to suit this new development, he would have to change himself. Something that was long-overdue. Maybe he did deserve a small share of happiness, maybe he had done enough to earn this. This could be his redemption. He had no time to think about this further as the taxi suddenly stopped, prompting their exit. One thing was still burning in his mind still – there was no way back. At least no clean one.

He was now glad he had moved from the shady part of city to this much more tolerable district those years ago. No android child could possibly prosper there. Annie was still holding Gavin’s hand, no wonder tired from being submitted to so many unpleasant questions and having met so many new people. Or she was pretending to be by the rule of her programming. Whatever the case was, he needed to put her to bed as soon as possible and then figure out their sleeping arrangement, because he refused to spend the rest of his life being sore from the too small a couch. _The rest of his life._ That was too scary for him, so he crumpled the words in a ball and threw it away. He unlocked the door and led Annie inside, helping her take off her little winter shoes and coat. He wondered if she could actually feel cold. He would ask later. When he turned on the light in the living area, it dawned on him that he owned nothing a child would require. Even an android one, built to resemble the real thing. The difference was that theoretically they didn’t need anything, but he still wanted her to have as much as possible. Pleased to have some savings, he went to the bathroom to draw a bath for Annie, who was lazily chasing after Kitty, wanting to pet her. He could hear a muted “Got you!”, indicating the cat’s defeat.  

 

“I want bubbles.” Having left the cat be, she joined him in the bathroom, rubbing her sleepy eyes.

“Sorry, don’t have them.” Obviously. He added that to the never-ending list of things he had to buy.

Annie pouted, but in a playful manner. It really didn’t feel nice to disappoint that little girl. Not after a day like this.

“I’ll get them for you tomorrow.” He wanted to cheer her up a bit. She showed him a thankful smile.

“Ok, can’t wait!” Annie seemed a little livelier now, taking off her dirty socks. They didn’t smell like they normally would, since she didn’t sweat at all. Having an android child had many benefits, like they would never go sick or hungry and they would never grow up and leave you. Annie would never turn into an adult, she would never have a family of her own, she would never fall in love… It made him feel all sorts of things, domineered by a slight anxiety. The future was far away and worrying about it could wait. Now he had other things to be concerned about. Like how he was going to accommodate a whole new being in his home.

“I like water.” Annie was watching the bathtub being filled with hot water. “Once I went swimming, it was real fun. I felt like a mermaid!” She giggled and then sighed, probably remembering what happened to the person who took her there.

“We can go to the pool sometime.” Whatever would make her happy.

“Really? Oh you’re the best, Gavin!” She beamed and gave him a small hug.

He left the bathroom, giving Annie some privacy to clean herself. His stomach grumbled, letting him know that it would not tolerate him starving himself for any longer. He wasn’t able to eat since Annie barged into his life. He would have something later, now he had to make the bed ready for his new roommate. When the sheets were all new and clean, then he could think about feeding himself.

Gavin opened the fridge and was greeted by an expired cheese, two bottles of beer and some mouldy take-out leftovers. Really glad that Annie didn’t eat, he took out his phone and dialled the pizza-place number he had saved to his phone. When he finished his order, Annie came out of the bathroom, wearing only his small grey shirt again that was swallowing her, being too big for her. They would go clothes-shopping tomorrow, for sure. Her hair was still tied into two uneven braids, one was half-undone by now.

“Come here.” He gestured to the couch. They sat down and Gavin began unbraiding her hair.

“Will you do them like this tomorrow, too?” Annie repositioned herself on the seat, not complaining at Gavin’s apparent lack of gentleness when untying her hair.

“If you want me to.” Gavin hummed and having finished with the first one moved on to the other braid.

“Maybe just one braid next time.” Fair enough, letting her go out with hair marked by his unskilled hands wasn’t the brightest idea. One he could manage.

As he was working on the second braid, he felt Annie go limp all of the sudden. She must have entered sleep-mode already. Gavin quickly finished and made sure she was still alive. He listened closely to her chest and when he heard a small whirring sound, he was relieved. He picked her up and carried her to his bedroom in a princess-hold, tucked her in bed and wished her a soft “Goodnight.” Turning off the lights, he fell back into his living room.

Gavin himself was very tired too, sleep enticing him with its sweet promise of temporary oblivion. But it was overshadowed by the nagging hunger that was adding on to his lack of strength and energy. He made himself comfortable on the couch, it not being an easy task. He thought it had to be made in hell itself for how spartan it was. He started slowly drifting away when the buzz of his phone brought him back to the waking world. It was the pizza-delivery guy, informing him that he was waiting in the parking lot.

“Be right there.”

When he opened the slim cardboard box, an overwhelming smell of greasy goodness flooded the apartment. He was ready to dig in when his bedroom door opened and out came a curious little girl.

“I thought you left me.” She shuffled to observe the fragrant object on the table.

“No, I would never.” Despite all the bad he had done, he wouldn’t just abandon someone that was so emotionally and otherwise dependant on him, even if he didn’t like them, which luckily wasn’t the case now. He would never willingly leave because he genuinely didn’t want to.

“Ok, I trust you.” _Trust._ Was he really the right person to be granted such a thing? He didn’t even trust himself, didn’t trust anyone or anything, really. But now a small helpless creature was putting her faith in him. It was a heavy weight to carry, it all was. But the girl’s smile made everything much lighter.  

“What is this yellow stuff?” She pointed at the pizza, looking intrigued.

“Oh that? It’s a pineapple. It’s really tasty on a pizza.” Gavin had always annoyed or disgusted other people who were present when he ordered the Hawaii pizza. He couldn’t help it, he just loved the combination of sweet and savoury.  

“Can I try?” Annie started drooling.

 Wait… He thought androids don’t eat… Why would they. But then again, she was supposed to simulate human child, so maybe…

“So… you actually eat? Like you can physically digest food?” If so, that would add some flavour to their developing relationship.

“Uh-huh, I can but don’t need to. I can also analyse taste and have installed my own palette, so I have foods I like and don’t!”  She took one pre-sliced piece and put it in her mouth, chewing carefully.  

“K, so, what do you think?” She swallowed it and hummed, contemplating her answer.

“Hmmmmm,… it’s… weird.” She wiped her face. “I don’t think I like it.”

“Good, more for me.” He smiled deviously and took a slice for himself.  

“So, what is your favourite food?” He should probably know these things about this child he was meant to take care for, possibly for until he’s ash and bones.

“Strawberries. Anything strawberry, but mostly milkshake or cake or candy. I also like rice cakes.” Annie yawned, projecting her tiredness. Guess child models needed to be recharged more often, for reasons.

“Hey, let’s go to bed, alright?” He put down his pizza and went to the door leading to his bedroom.

“I don’t want to be there, alone. It’s dark and scary.” She said softly, holding onto the plastic chair.

It was understandable, she was still somewhat traumatized by that horrifying incident after all.

“Okay, you can stay on the couch here then. I’ll turn on the TV so it’s less quiet. And you can have my blanket.”

She scrambled onto the couch, wrapping herself in the soft blanket and setting her eyes on the screen that showed soothing images of nature and animals. Gavin sat down beside her, bringing his meal with him. They were listening to the low voice of the narrator talking about fennec population in North Africa, feeling cosy and at peace. Soon they were joined by the furry resident Kitty, who snuggled against the now dozing Annie. She shortly entered full sleep-mode, turning rigid and motionless. Gavin got up, very silently putting the rest of the pizza in his fridge. He took in the image of the two little bundles of joy, being alive and his, and he could have cried. But he persuaded himself that he wasn’t soft and tears were something meant for children and women and not for tough men like himself. He pulled out his phone out of his pocket and snapped a picture, immortalizing this perfect moment forever. He wanted to share it with someone – he despised all social media, so that was not an option, so he browsed his contact list, feeling like he was lacking someone important there. A mother to his child, to have that perfect family - except he didn’t like women in that way. No, he knew exactly who he wanted to send that picture to. The heat creeping up his cheek made him almost drop the phone down. Tina! Tina was the one he wanted to show this to, definitely her and no one else. He composed a message, bragging about his happiness, even though he knew she wasn’t fond of kids. It was a way to tease her, meaning double reason why it would be her.  

_You’re soft like a marshmallow, G. >D _

Tina’s reply made him mad, but not enough to cancel out the warmth flowing through him.

_But I’m glad for you._

Maybe she’ll find something like this too, one day.  

Sleep took him almost immediately after setting his worn out body next to his new family. He felt so grateful to have the next day off, since he needed time to provide all the necessary stuff for Annie and to let her get used to the new environment. Also he needed to properly assimilate this big change in his life.

 

It was really warm, almost uncomfortably so, but he felt dazzled by the unrelenting joy in his heart. It was all he ever wanted, him, Annie and… someone else, obscured by the fog that followed them everywhere. They were in a park, he thought, each holding the little girl’s hand. The trees were all wrong and there were no people around. He wanted to turn his head to the side, to see who was the person holding Annie’s other hand, but he was physically unable to do so.  Something soft landed on the pavement in front of him. And then more followed. Light, pink and fluffy petals of sorts were falling from above, soon piling up under their feet. He lost his bearing, the solid ground was dissolving and he held onto Annie as tight as he could, so she wouldn’t float away. They were now completely enveloped by the soft pink petals dancing around them, filling up the timeless void they were soaring through. The gravitational law didn’t seem to work there, as everything shifted and instead of plummeting down it was rising up, being called by the bright light up in the heavens. Everything but him and the stranger who now let go of Annie’s hand, as she was being pulled upwards.  He was compelled to do so as well, albeit unwillingly. He lost all control of his movement, feeling almost paralyzed. He could only turn his head up to see some of the pink petals gathering around the little girl, who had her eyes closed and looked serene, almost angelic. The petals formed the shape of two large wings behind her back and before he knew it, she was gone to the place he was too heavy to reach. He wanted to protest, to call her back down, but was unable to do anything as the unknown person made his way through the rising pink petals towards him, reaching out, two brown eyes so full of life getting closer and closer… meowing loudly…

 _Meowing?_ Gavin abruptly opened his eyes and found himself in his own apartment, curled on his own couch. Alone.

“Bad Kitty, sit!” He sat up and saw the source of the commotion that had dragged him out of the dream that made his heart ache in more than one way.

Annie was running after the nettled cat, a small piece of pizza in hand and shouting:

“You must eat your breakfast, Kitty!”

There would be no dull moment today - or in the foreseeable future.

♥

Turned out shopping for a child wasn’t as easy or smooth process as he had pictured. He had naively thought they would grab a couple of things and be done with it. Little had he known. Apparently, girls needed all sort of stuff – about hundred pieces of clothes, various books and toys and art supplies and he couldn’t say no to her. He had to put an end to it at some point, since his savings account was being drained considerably and if he had to visit one more store he would have to shoot himself. He noticed the lack of artificial staff there, instead the workers had been mainly human, just like it used to be before androids were introduced to the society. The one or two he saw were now getting paid just like anyone else would. He still didn’t think it entirely fair, as the androids didn’t have to invest so much effort into their jobs and didn’t necessarily need the money. They couldn’t starve to death, they wouldn’t suffer from the harsh winter weather, they didn’t need to provide for anyone. But they were deemed alive. _Ridiculous._ He thought as he was lugging eight overflowing bags full of supplies for his own android child. Oblivious to the hypocrisy, he smiled as Annie was skipping carefreely in front of him, going to yet another shop.

When they left the drugstore – Annie very happy that she got her bubbles, he could barely hold all the plastic bags. They were weighing him down and slipping from his fingers. Annie saw him fight with them, swearing quietly and looking quite exhausted.

“I can help!” She was carrying a stuffed anthropomorphic mouse in her hands, not parting from it since the moment he had bought it for her. He was only slightly vexed when she pointed it out, claiming it reminded her of him and that she absolutely needed to have it. Maybe Tina was right, maybe he was getting soft.

“Fine, but tell me if it’s too heavy for you.” He handed her two smaller ones, thinking about whether androids even sensed something being too weighty and if it was inconvenient for them at all. Annie didn’t look like she had much trouble with those bags, so he assumed they perhaps didn’t.

As they walked through the street full of busy-looking people, Annie was fascinated by all the rush around her. She was paying attention to every little detail. Did her previous owner not take her out often? They passed a fashionably dressed woman talking to her daughter who looked about the same age as Annie was supposed to be. (In reality, he guessed she was about four.)

“…that’s why dad will pick you up from school tomorrow, okay?” She told to the now agitated child.

“I don’t want to go with him, he’s…”

The rest was silenced by a passing car and then they were too far for the voices to reach their ears.

Annie looked contemplative, her lips forming a thin line and she averted her gaze from Gavin as if she was afraid to say what was on her mind. She did anyway.

“Can I go to school, Gavin?” Her eyes got wide with anticipation and told him how much she longed to go.

Of course he wanted her to go. It would take a load of his worries and also add more, but he was convinced that every child should experience the joy and anguish of having to attend an educational establishment. Problem was if they would accept a non-human student. He’d have to make some tiring phonecalls to find out.

“I hope so.” He tried to encourage her by giving her a soft smile. Annie scuttled next to him so they could walk side by side.

“You have never been there, have you? At school, I mean.” Gavin had hated school when he was little, always causing trouble and getting into fights every chance he got. He had also been bullied for hanging out with girls, but he had never let that slide and stroke back twice as hard.

“No, I wasn’t allowed to.” She sounded sad and reflective.

He wished she would be able to have the same experience as a normal school girl, for better or worse.

♥

 

They were sitting on a couch, bellies full of chocolate – Annie had insisted on trying it, since she had never had any before. And Gavin had naturally indulged her and let her have all the chocolate she desired, eventually joining the feast. Annie was enjoying this new culinary experience to no end. Tasting all the flavours they had available. He would definitely spoil her, no doubt about that. He would also go bankrupt soon. His apartment looked slightly different now, there were bags everywhere and scattered dresses and dolls and other girly things, all in a terrible disorder. He didn’t complain, mostly because he was too tired to get angry, but he was happy Annie got all she needed.

 She had been still munching on her mint-strawberry flavoured one when he had already felt like throwing up. He forgot that androids didn’t get full, well at least not like that.  He had never felt sicker, but it was the good sick, like being devoured by cute flesh-eating bacteria with puppy eyes and heart-warming smile.

They were watching TV, both too tranquil to speak. The news were on. Gavin would normally switch the channel, he didn’t want to have any of the android-calamity flooding all the media in his home. But the chocolate was weighing him down and he just couldn’t lift an arm and reach for the remote which was buried under some discarded chocolate wrapping. He wasn’t owner of the fancy television that you could command with words, no, he preferred it the old way. He wouldn’t be comfortable talking to his TV.

 Annie was teasing Kitty with a piece of that sweet poison, pretending to feed it to her and then putting it in her own mouth instead. Gavin had informed her that the cat would get sick would she eat something like this, so she found her own way to engage the furry creature. At least the cat was safe from the chocolate hell. He sighed and squeezed his eyes shut, trying to eliminate the pain.

He prayed they would miraculously skip all the news regarding any artificial beings today. His hopes were crushed when a familiar looking figure appeared on his screen.

Expressionless look and mismatched eyes. Yep, it was Markus, the android messiah or how he was memed, a “robo-jesus”.  Annie stopped paying attention to the cat and transfixed her gaze to him, listening carefully to every word he uttered. The android talked about past events and what was being done for a better future. The laws were still iffy and needed to be readjusted properly. It could obviously not be done overnight. Gavin personally disliked the guy, there was something about him that was bothering him, but he couldn’t put a finger to it. Maybe it was because he breached the status quo he had relied on all those years. _Never see a machine as something more that it is, because it can never be that which so perfectly resembles. A hollow, soulless piece of machinery can never give you anything real, only electric lies. Never shall you lose yourself in the temptation of the artificial damnation. You’re better than those who sacrifice their lives to that which can never suffer through the perpetual agony of being utterly, completely alone, having only a lifeless doll as a company._ The words he had engraved in his brain were now slowly fading, his inner-working was undergoing a long-needed reconstruction. It was no one but himself who initiated the process, who set things moving. Him and his subconscious want to see life where he had determined there was nothing but a clever programming. Was he fooling himself? He was getting closer to the final answer each day.

They again showed the clips of the fateful night, of Markus and his fellow android saviours. The image of one in particular burned him from the inside, filling him with biting flames and making him dizzy and phck, he had to puke.

 

♥

“So, how was it?”

It was Annie’s first day at school. He had managed to enrol her in a private one, after much insistence and plenty of green ones. Under one condition. She was not to reveal her real identity to her fellow classmates. He had to take it, since they wouldn’t accept her anywhere else. He thought that maybe it was better this way, she wouldn’t have to deal with discrimination and speciesism. It also make him realize how unfortunate a world they lived in, where a little girl had to pretend to be someone else in order to spend her term in peace. She understood the reason and obliged without any objections.

“Awesome! I have made a new friend! His name is Tommy, I can’t wait till you meet him!” They walked home together. She carried a schoolbag full of books on her back, he had a receptacle full of half-finished work he would have to deal with later that night. It was Friday and Annie had more or less settled in her new home. It was strange to Gavin, not returning to his once murky apartment alone, but it had quickly become a routine he was glad to get used to. Gone were his days of endless evenings of wallowing in his presumed misfortune, of ruining his mind and soul with toxic substances. He had something better now. Something real.

“Tommy, huh? Interesting. Anything else?” She smiled as brightly as a midday sun. His efforts well rewarded.

“Lots! I learned many new things, like – do you know the difference between a crocodile and an alligator?”

♥

Gavin was still haunted by his potent dreams. Fortunately, he stopped getting those of the sexual kind, since he and Annie opted for sleeping in the same bed, which was large enough for both of them and gave them some personal space as well. He never stopped seeing those endless eyes, but they were now morphing with another pair, equally deep and inviting, calling him from all sides of his spirit. It was the middle of the night and Gavin couldn’t fall asleep no matter what. Something vile was budding inside of him, something keeping him up and alert. It was after midnight, the phone told him it was Sunday now. He was sitting in the kitchen, hands covering his haggard face and Kitty warming his lap, providing some small comfort. He felt like choking, like he was being suffocated from the inside. Restlessness took over him now, and he took his phone and furiously started scrolling through his contact list. He need to talk to someone, he needed to get rid of this panic-like state he was in. They were doing fine, everything was happy-go-lucky till now and that scared him like nothing else. It shouldn’t be this easy. He shouldn’t be this content.

“What’s going on?” Tina voice was raspy, he must have woken her up.

“Uh, hey Tins, I just… uh…” He honestly didn’t know what he wanted to say. He needed words of reassurance, but of course he wouldn’t just go and ask for them. Or spill his worries out to someone.

“Is everything alright? Did something happen to the little one?” She sounded little concerned now.

“No, no everything’s fine I just… what are doing tomorrow?” He couldn’t do this alone, not all the time.

“House-cleaning. So if you have something, anything better, I’m in.”

 

♥

“She insisted.” Gavin gave Tina a placating smile. She was looking at Annie apprehensively. The little one was observing all the fishies swimming in the confined tanks imbedded to the walls and ceiling and surrounding them from every side. The aquarium was full of visitors at this time, mostly children squealing about and couples holding hands.  

“Yeah, but you know I hate seeing animals in captivity.” She was obviously displeased about this trip.

“Yeah, yeah, I get it. But take it this way, where else would you have stingrays swimming over your head and be dry and safe.” He turned his head up, captivated by the strange creatures above him.

He needed this, something different, something detached from everything that became the norm in his life. This “date” was helping to clear his mind from all the growing anxiety, allowing the blissful peace to re-enter him.

Annie hopped to him and tugged at his sleeve.

“Gavin, Gavin, what is this?” She pointed her little artificial finger at a peculiar looking sea creature.

“Oh that? That’s a jellyfish. They sting when you touch them.”

“They look funny. But I like them.” She went closer to the glass and tried to catch one’s attention.

“Did you know they have no brain?” Tina remarked to Gavin casually, finally warming up to the idea of a day spent with her overwhelmed friend and a little android child in a place full of enclosed fish.

From the outside they must have looked like a perfect exemplary family. The truth couldn’t be more different.

♥

Days were going by, leaving a trace of irreplaceable memories in both of their hearts. Annie made several friends, none of them showing any signs of knowing her true identity. Her favourite one was Tommy, a skinny boy with raven black hair, who invited her to the swimming club. She enjoyed her time there very much, always telling Gavin everything about what she had learned and how she was exceedingly good at it. Of course she would be, not having to hold her breath and never running out of stamina. If she wasn’t his he would deem it unfair to the other children and demand that she quit, but as he was now he didn’t care, not a bit. He was happy that she was happy and that was all that mattered.

One day, when Gavin went to pick Annie up from her practice, gone was her smile, replaced by repressed tears. Something must have happened to her. In the week or more they were together not once had she cried. Or showed any indication of distress.

“What’s wrong, sweetie?” Dread was filling his body, causing his hands to tremble.

She just grabbed his shaking hand and rubbed her eyes, trying to cast the tears away. She pretended to take a deep breath.

“They know!” Her eyes failed her for tears flooded her pretty face.

“Who knows what?” He had hoped it was not what he feared it was.

“These girls, they said they saw me in a magazine and they know I’m not one of them.” She mumbled amongst her sobs. “And they shoved me and said they would tell everyone if I don’t quit. They called me mean names and said I wasn’t really alive, that I was a thing, not a being.”

It hurt to hear that. He crouched down and hugged Annie as tightly as he could.

“You know that is not true, right?” She was more alive than some of the folk he knew, she was a being as real as all the other children and much better than those bullying girls. She was his and he wouldn’t allow anyone to feed her those lies.

“You’re alive, Annie.” She squeezed him back, nodding silently.

“You’ll give me their names and I will have a little talk with them.”  

“Ok.” Annie pulled away and he had the chance to brush off her tears, tears that were undeniably real. Caused by an actual human despair.

 Every single doubt he might have had till now had evaporated. She was alive to him, a perfect yet flawed being who he adored oh so much. Didn’t matter she wasn’t made out of meat and bones. _Different components, same concept._

He had opened his eyes and for the first time saw the new world as it was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know, this is getting out of hand :D. Over 20000 words and they didn't have a single scene together yet :D. There will be one more chapter without Connor, I promise.  
> Understand that this is officially still only the 2nd chapter. :D  
> I could write 100K words of Annie/Gavin being all cute together but that's not what this fic is about :D.  
> Also Annie is YK500, but she looks a bit different than Alice. 
> 
> I am going to Italy (can't wait) this weekend so who knows when the next chapter will be done. Maybe I'll write something on the way there.  
> ok i'm back and working on a new chapter and not feeding my dog crisps, you can trust me  
> fine, we are munching together, but sharing is caring  
> ...it's not my dog, you got me  
>  
> 
> Song: Sleeping at last - Daughter
> 
> "If only you knew  
> The sunlight shines a little brighter  
> The weight of the world's a little lighter  
> The stars lean in a little closer  
> All because of you"
> 
> (yes, I'm a sucker for SAL :D)


	6. Loss V

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gavin doesn't like dogs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you're free to hate me

It didn’t bother him. Not the intrusive dreams, not the teasing remarks he sometimes got from his co-workers. He was not alone, therefore everything was passable. He didn’t get angry when he slipped on an icy pavement in front of the police station yet again. He just got up and went on, as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened. He didn’t yell at the reckless passer-by bumping into him in a hurry. He smiled at the inhuman receptionist, even remembering her name when he greeted her this morning. It didn’t feel like him and he was well aware. His skin seemed too tight somehow and he was starting to lose all sense of solid ground under his feet. Feet that ached with every step. Maybe he was happy, if one could define happiness as such. Giving it to someone else and multiplying it along the way. A natural process, really. Except nothing about this situation was natural. It was all too sudden, too life-changing, too mind-boggling. That he, an indignant goblin who cared only about his oblivious cat, could make a place for ~~two~~ one more person in his encaged heart. He got so used to being lonely and miserable over the time. So much that after he had been plunged into the vast waters of joy, his organs just stopped and his brain slowed down to help him stay alive and not to burn out in the scorching reality. Maybe he should. Turn into ash and rise anew. Become a man he could respect and look up to. But he was too far gone and his old ways were ingrown into his very core, so he had to make do with what he got and maybe try to try and do a little bit more.

 

“Earth to Gavin!” The female voice shook him through and helped him land from the highs of the relief his brain had provided him.  

“The missus keeps you busy at night?” He stretched and yawned, looking around for any unwanted snoopers. Fortunately, the breakroom was void of people at this moment, as it was usually so every time he decided to bless it with his presence. Not many noted the change he had undergone. Then again, not many gave a rat’s ass about him and he really didn’t involve himself with other’s business too. He preferred it that way, being like a closed book with pages too sticky with gunk making it hard to pry it open. Why would anyone put any effort into that when they could go and find one that’s already open, ready to receive a new story. He longed for that now, since after all that unfamiliarity, he felt more like a child’s exercise book full of spelling mistakes.  

“Very funny.” He was too tired to even feign amusement. “She got this art project we kinda forgot about till the last minute so…” That wasn’t why he had been nodding off earlier. They had finished before midnight. The reason for his weariness was his inability to fall asleep after. He was afraid that if he closed his eyes he’d be greeted with that who is so distant he can’t be certain he had ever met him at all. As the image of him became blurrier the pain intensified. He partly hoped it would slowly go away, this undeserved yearning that he tried so desperately to exile from his whole being. It didn’t. It stayed with him wherever he went, stuck in his mind like a machinery hum, always there, always in a way of stability. Like a ghost haunting him.

“Hmm..., honestly Gavin, you’re too cute.” Tina gave him a playful yet sincere smile. “Speaking of cute, I saw our boy Connor the other day.”

Gavin nearly spit out his coffee, choking on it and changing colour. The one curse word he didn’t need to hear today and here it was, shoved into his face, made clear of its severity. He forced himself to appear casual and not a bit fazed by the mention of his ~~dream~~ nightmare. Tina didn’t look a bit fooled by what now turned into a ridiculous expression of subdued anguish. She was greatly enjoying Gavin’s affliction and so she pushed on.

“He was walking Hank’s beast and looked sort of… I don’t know… stiff maybe. It was just a feeling I got, so he’s probably fine. Tried to wave at him and call him over but he didn’t notice me at all. I was all busy and stuff so I didn’t have the time to come close to him, else I definitely would!” She watched as his face turned from adoringly flustered to heavy with unpleasant thoughts dancing about in his head. He imagined how it must be for him, with no one but the walking whiskey bottle Hank to rely on. He supposed that the android could have had some friendly relations with others of his kind, his social awkwardness was charming enough for that to be so, but somehow it was hard to picture. In his mind, Connor was helpless and all alone. That’s how he saw him in his dreams too, always the two of them and sometimes Annie would join. Maybe he subconsciously wanted to be the “it” for Connor – the entire world. He would surely smash his head to the nearest wall would he be to find this out. But the fact that he was alive out there somewhere filled him with a sweet sense of disallowed possibility.      

“You’re hopeless, Gavin.”

She was sitting there in ~~his~~ their apartment that had unknowingly become a place full of life, gaining a soul of its own.  Gavin was finishing some paperwork he had unwillingly brought with him from work, scowling menacingly at the device in his hands. He had just about enough of typing on the tablet with is aged fingers, he much preferred the old way of doing this. Even having a keyboard would be brilliant right now. While he was trying to work, Annie was immersed in the pages of some book with a colourful cover, not bothering to look up when her guardian let out a not so quiet swear. He slammed the tablet on the couch, which was hosting several stuffed animals and a lot of textbooks, complimented by many crumbs and empty wrapping paper and consequently chased off the cat who had nested there so comfortably.   

“I want a dog.” She didn’t lift her eyes up from the pages. No, Annie just casually proclaimed her insane wish like she was somehow unquestioningly entitled to own one, as it was an absolute necessity. It took Gavin a good minute to process what had reached his ears.

“Come again?” He was maybe willing to give her everything, but a dog didn’t fall into his definition of it. The two girls he already had were enough to turn his life upside down as was. No way on earth he’d let an insatiable canine into his home. Not happening. Besides, he kind of hated dogs anyway. Let’s say he had had a not so pleasant experience with one particular mongrel when he was little. One that left him with a tiny reminder on his left arm, there to stay for the rest of his life.

The girl finally put the book down, which he now noted was indeed about nothing else but the furry devils, and showed him her best puppy look she was able to conjure.

“Almost everyone in my class has one, I’m the only one that doesn’t! Please Gavin, I would take care of it, pretty please!” Her voice grew a pitch higher and was meant to move his not so cold heart. It didn’t work, not even a little. He got up and stepped closer to her, to make his point clearer and louder.

“And does every one of your classmates have I don’t know, a cat that is already a handful? And how do you think she would react if some stranger dog intruded on her territory like that? Hm?” He didn’t sound as stern as he wanted to, his tone was rather full of disbelieve.  

“But… I’m sure they do have kitties! And maybe some other pets too! Katie has a dog and a cat and a rabbit!” Annie was very adamant about her sudden whim, it appeared.

“And doesn’t Katie have a mother as well? And don’t they live in a house? I’m the only one taking care of this household, you can’t just expect me to expand it like that An!” He didn’t want her to ever compare herself to other children like that, it could never end well seeing as she was anything but ordinary. But maybe his old anger was catching flame deep inside him again, for he didn’t at all like how this came out. Sprinkled with annoyance, adding a side of impatience.

 Maybe he shouldn’t have let something like this escape his mouth.

“That doesn’t have to do anything with anything! It’s not my fault that you can’t find yourself a bride!” Her eyes were glistening now, she looked quite mad herself. “And maybe Kitty could make friends with it.” She mumbled, desperate to somehow convince Gavin to succumb to her selfish wishes.  

“Well, maybe I don’t want a bride, have you thought about that? And in any case, there is going to be no dog, not in my place. That’s my last word. I don’t want to hear about this anymore, got it?” He let it be known through his austere, uncompromising tone and his unsmiling expression. He didn’t raise his voice too much but he might have done it as well, because Annie took it as an attack against her. She let the tears spill and let him see how much wrong was being done here, in her childish opinion.

“You’re mean!” She accused him among the sobs and stomped away towards the bedroom, slamming the door behind her.  Gavin sighed with pure exhaustion and gave his temples a thorough rub. He needed to find a last reminder of strength to deal with this tantrum of hers.

He didn’t barge in like an outraged maniac he wished he wasn’t. Instead he knocked lightly and spoke softly. “Annie, I’m sorry but you have to understand…”

“Leave me be!” She wouldn’t, not just yet. “I’m going to sleep!” He peeked inside in time to see her disappear under the blankets. If she had an LED, he was certain it would glow displeasing red.  

Who said that playing parent was ever easy. Of course he wanted her to have a “mother” and even a dog perhaps, but reality was there to prevent all their sweet fantasies from coming true.  She would have to realize that they had all they could ever need in order to live prosperous lives, and anything more would be a luxury they couldn’t afford. They ought to be humble no matter how upsetting the lack of something they wanted so badly really was.

 

He slept on the couch that night, feeling like a spurned lover who had been banished to the cold and unloving place of solitude. He tried to stay awake and maybe finish his job that was now long-overdue, but his will wasn’t stronger than his tired body and eventually the sleep lured him in.

“It’s gone! Where did it go? Where?” Was it Annie who so urgently cried for answers to these undefined questions? He couldn’t see clearly, but he knew it wasn’t her voice. This one was more heartache evoking and tempting. He tried to call back, to let himself be known, but again, no sound came out. The blurry figure came closer and now he could see that he was standing on a beach, but something was different than what he would expect there. His mind was very feeble at that moment and he had a hard time paying all his attention to the person in front of him to note any discrepancies from reality.

“We need to find the dog!” The familiar man spoke with a profound worry. It was who he thought and wished it would be. As soon as he recognized him, Connor ran away, chasing after something Gavin couldn’t see. He lifted his heavy feet and started after him, trying desperately not to lose a sight of him. It was very strenuous to even move let alone run, but he pushed through all the numb pain and did it anyway. They were still on the beach, white sand under their feet did nothing to increase their speed. He turned to his right to take a look at the sea that had lost its calm, waves crashing just inches from him, threatening to entrap him would he dare to come close. How he had missed this he had no idea. He wasn’t greeted by the serene blue he had expected, but with a thick dark liquid pretending to be an ocean. It wasn’t right. He had an inkling of what it might actually be but the likely truth wasn’t something he was comfortable even thinking about. It felt sickening, just watching it. He had stopped running at some point and so had Connor, who was leaning down over something, a dark cloud hovering above his head. Gavin’s mouth got dry and his heart pounded loudly, alarming him about the awful thing he was about to discover.  

He was crying, silently and neatly, but Gavin could still make out the hurt in his face. The thing he had been chasing was there, splayed on the ground, unmoving, lifeless, red smeared all over. A dog. A huge, fluffy what he figured must have been St Bernard, the one the lieutenant owned. He couldn’t find the reason why the animal was now dead, when Connor was trying so hard to save it. Why was he himself also crying and why did the horrible sight had such an impact on him. Nothing made sense to him anymore, he just knew that he needed to touch the android, to prevent something equally bad happening to him. He lifted his hand and…

It all vanished and all his bleary eyes could see was grey – the colour of his couch. He was facing the backseat so he moved his sore body around and lazily got up. It all came back to him, the fight, the guilt, the helplessness. He fumbled around to find his phone and when he looked at the screen a cold sweat poured down his spine. It was too late. The school was already in session. He hurriedly threw the bedroom door open only to find that the bed was empty and made. He called her name, fear ridden voice spreading through the apartment, an echo of fear. She wasn’t there. It had taken him some time before he found the note written by a small mechanical hand.

 _I went to school alone. Don’t worry about me, I’m big enough to take care of myself. … PS: I’m sorry._ ☺

Like hell he wouldn’t worry. It was his job after all. He immediately dialled the school number to make sure she was there, safe and sound. They confirmed her presence, to his relief, and so he could go on with his day, putting the yesterday’s consequences off for now.

“Watch out!” An older lady tried to warn him, but it was too late. A big furry creature galloped towards him, tongue out, eyes focuses on its target who was now petrified, overwhelmed by the shock of the impending assault. Before he could blink the dog was on top of him, but no teeth touched his skin. He was getting slobber all over his face as the overgrown puppy continued licking his cheek ardently. Gavin expected various things to happen when he left the station, none included getting close and personal with a strange canine.

“I’m sorry sir, she won’t bite I promise. Annie, get off, now! Bad girl!” Her voice was shrill and interwoven with exasperation. In her hand she was holding a leash that had gotten loose somehow, he presumed. _Annie._ He didn’t have time for this. He helped to push the dog away, still being bombarded by redundant apologies. Yeah, he got it already.

“It’s no big deal, really.” He was getting impatient to go and see her and be alright again.

“She’s very uncontrollable sometimes, aren’t you Annie.” She was preoccupied with the golden retriever, reattaching the leash on her pink collar from which dangled a tin heart. He would have found it cute had he the time. But he had to go. When the lady lifted her head to talk to Gavin some more, he was already gone.  

 _No, no, no, this can’t be happening._ She had already left the school. So she must have arrived home, right? But she hadn’t. He had given her a cellphone for situations just like these. So why wasn’t she picking up? Was she still sulking and went to cool down somewhere far away from Gavin? He had called all her friends’ parents, but none of them was helpful. All their children were accounted for, it was just his one that was the problem. He felt the panic attack creeping up his throat, making him useless. His hands were trembling and it was hard to breathe. He had to find her now. So he aimlessly wondered through the neighbourhood, screaming her name in hope she would hear and run to him. Tears were threatening to spill out and he knew that he couldn’t do this alone.

“What? You’re not making any sense, Gavin. Where did she go?” Tina immediately caught on what was going on. The panic in his voice was almost palpable.

“I DON’T KNOW! Just… come.. here, please..” His speech was choppy, the words forced out through his heavy breaths. It was too long since he had last got one, he almost forgot how shitty it felt. His head was a mess, nothing but infinite amount of unfortunate scenarios inside. He didn’t want to lose her, he couldn’t.  

“Ok, I’ll come, so calm down please. Tell me where you are.” She became his lifeline now, her placating voice the only thing keeping him from unravelling completely.

“I… I don’t know… wait, I’ll send you the coordinates.” Bless the technological development.

She reassured him that he’d see her soon and now he was all alone again, just him and all the worry in the world. He couldn’t just stay still, was physically unable to. The alarm in his head was blaring on, numbing out everything that would dare to come near. It was professing doom and catastrophe. He couldn’t turn it off.

He noticed that he stood in a fairly deserted street, not anyone around to witness his ugly break down. Tears were now blurring his vision. He didn’t have the strength to fight them anymore. Not thinking clearly, he moved on. Tina would find him, as he would find Annie.  

 A silhouette, somewhat familiar. Not there long enough for him to confirm its identity. Probably a different person. Connor wasn’t the only well-build, tall, dark haired man in Detroit after all. He didn’t care now, the world in front of him was unfocused, his thoughts centred around one single thing. Not letting her come to any harm. She had only him and he had only her. They needed each other. He wouldn’t let her down. When he finds her he would never let her out of his sight. A bit unreasonable but reasoning could wait.  

He took a deep breath and tried to call her cell one more time. One beep, the second, still nothing but ringing, her favourite melody faintly resonating…. Her ringtone! He heard it coming from somewhere around, so she must be near! Not quite yet calm he screamed her name. No reply. The moment before he turned the corner had held his last pieces of hope, then the reality incinerated everything that had made him alive.

How many hours have passed? How many days? How come he was still breathing? What mysterious drive forced him to inhale oxygen again and again? These questions burned in the back of his mind as he sat limply on his only friend’s sofa, falling into himself. All concept of time was for him no more. All he could perceive was crushing pain and guilt, wrenching his soul back and forth. He didn’t understand why he was allowed to live and didn’t know if he wanted to anymore. His one chance for happiness taken violently away from him. _What’s the point._ He blamed himself, for everything. No one could make him believe that he had no doing in it. Every time he closed his eyes he saw it. So he didn’t – sleep or eat or function. His body felt barely alive. He wasn’t able to do anything but crumble since the light of his life got snuffed out. He shattered into million tiny pieces no one could hope to put back together. The tears had long run dry, his face not painting a very accurate image of the torture he was suffering on the inside. Every second felt like an eternity, every breath a stabwound. He was ready to end it.

“You have to eat, Gavin.” Tina’s motherly care did nothing for him to stop hurting, no matter how much he wished otherwise.  He rejected the bowl of whatever concoction she had procured for him.

She was there, always with him. Trying to put him back together, making sure she didn’t lose him to the demons wanting to claim him so badly. He did appreciate it. Maybe he would have died hadn’t it be for her. Always checking if he’s breathing, putting a warm blanket around him, doing her best to make him eat and drink. Sitting close and guarding him with her watchful eye. Falling asleep on the sofa next to him. She was his foulmouthed angel.    

“For fuck’s sake Gavin, you don’t plan on starving to death, do you?” She was more tired than angry. Sighing heavily she handed him a warm cup.

“Drink at least.” He took the cup in his shaky hands and realized that it was full of black coffee, his favourite. “Please, Gavin.” Her teary voice was able to reach something broken inside of him and he took a sip. He couldn’t see her like this anymore. Knowing that he was the cause of her gloomy expression. Little did he know that the coffee he had drunk was spiked with sleep medicine and before he could protest he was out. Tina managed a sad smile and placed a small kiss on his forehead, letting the dreams do their thing.  

_Blue. Soul-splitting blue was snatching away all the good in his world. It didn’t belong there, it wasn’t supposed to be spilling out of the small immobile body that didn’t respond to any of his desperate efforts to communicate his overwhelming need to hear her voice. His brain knew that there was no chance of ever reaching her again but his body acted on its own. He held her wrecked body in his quaky arms, his heart stopping with every beat. This had to be a nightmare, his brain tormenting him in his dreamland. No way this horrifying image was in the realm of reality. There was a hole in her chest. Her leg was meters away from the other one. He couldn’t process this, this terrible lie. Why was it still going on, why couldn’t he wake up already. The blue was spreading to him, soaking his own flesh with its cruelty. He looked at his hands proving that everything about this was true. He couldn’t look at them anymore, the tears were making him blind. He could feel his fragile heart breaking and it wouldn’t stop. He fell apart.  The face that was once smiling at him, so full of live and hopes and dreams now nothing more than a broken doll. No, not a doll, a proper corpse. Ending up the same way as her mother. Maybe he should join them. His lungs were too strained to work anymore and the next thing he remembered is someone putting an oxygen mask on his mouth and nose and pleading for him to breathe.  He had no choice or else he would choose oblivion. In the corner of his eye he saw people taking his little girl away, putting her damaged body into a bag. He writhed and whined and felt a needled entering his neck, making him still and compliant._

He opened his eyes that were already full of tears, feeling a gentle hand in his hair. He dropped his head on Tina’s chest and let himself sob uncontrollably as she held him close.

“We had a family.” That was the first thing he said since. It was hardly audible, his voice raspy and weak from all the crying. He sniffled and pulled himself from the embrace, denying himself any more tears. He had to be strong. To find the fucker and murder him with his own hands. He would survive just to see his agonized face. Just for that reason alone.

 

Annie didn't get a funeral. It was something he was secretly glad about. He didn't want to know what was done with her body. She was gone, that's was all that was important. 

 

He would had to move. Too many painful memories haunting the apartment now. An apartment that lost its soul. The only thing he’d take from there would be Kitty, his sole reminder of happiness long gone. He would suffer from severe depression for a while, still needing someone to shove food at him just to make him live through another day. But things would get slightly more bearable and he’d return to work. The anxiety would poke its face at him from time to time, dragging him back to that dreadful day. He would wake up covered in sweat in the middle of the night, screaming. His rare smiles would never show up anymore. He wouldn’t be able to fix himself. Not any time soon. No therapist would be able to properly ease his mind. Life would be a struggle. He would think about death a lot. Every little inconvenience would make him want to cease to exist. He would feel like a walking dead. He would have to discard all the memories he had made with her in order to protect his last reminding piece of sanity. He’d find his only solace in thinking about the liberating darkness.

Until one day, when the person who once had vexed him so returned back to work at the police station. One look at him and his inner machinery was slowly starting to move again. Maybe dying could wait. Maybe he could try and live again. And maybe he was stupid enough to try and invite someone in once more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you thought she was going to survive you weren't paying attention  
> And this is just the beginning of the awfulness to come (it's a form of therapy to write about this stuff)  
> Just gonna say that it will have a happy ending for convin, because that's the point of this whole thing  
> So that concludes chapter 2 - Loss
> 
> Song: Evanescence - Hello  
> (is it uncool to listen to them i don't care xD)


	7. Dismay I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor is ready to get his ass kicked

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> maybe they'll exchange some words... in the next chapter

“Are you excited, son?”

Hank only partly knew that his words would fall on deaf ears. He watched his friend get more distant each day and he couldn’t do a thing about it. He had tried talking to him but all his worries had been dismissed and denied. Always being served the fake smile that had made his insides churn. He wanted to rip it straight from Connor’s face, to see his true self for once. But Hank was a reasonable adult, or so he had been told by his chief, so he just let things take their natural course. He couldn’t start to imagine what it was like not to be a human being and he reckoned it was quite a trying experience to adjust to the new way of life he had gifted him. Or robbed him of. He wasn’t sure about anything anymore and was over the moon to know that he would be able to give the android some form of freedom. He almost felt bad to keep him guarded as such, but he meant well and it was enough to cancel out or the unpleasant feelings regarding their situation. They were alive and that was all that mattered.  

The android in question was standing near a frosted window, seemingly entranced by the falling snow that had cumulated in front of their house. In reality, he was looking inwards, lost among his rushing thoughts, trying to carefully sort them out and make a sense of them. Would he be able to do his job properly or would he fail like he had done many times before? Would his condition impede his future investigation? Did he care about these things? The answers were not in his reach and the questions just kept piling on and on. One of them was louder than the others. _Will I be able to get better or is death the only acceptable fate?_ He would soon find out. He touched his bright blue LED ring to remind himself of his actuality and turned to face the impatient human, who was now nervously tapping his feet to the ground.

“Sorry, what did you ask?” That awfully insincere smile again. Hank scowled at him in retaliation, crossing his arms and sighing wearily.

“I asked if you’re excited to start working again, Connor.” Hank sounded positively irritated now, making the android lose his carefully crafted expression. What was he to say, really. Excited he wasn’t. And he didn’t want to lie to Hank. That much he wanted to avoid as best as he was able to.

“It will be nice to have something productive to do.” As much truth as he could muster. It had been too long, being stuck there with nothing much to put his hands on. He could tell his state was only deteriorating and he would most certainly stop functioning would he be forced to stay like that for any longer. It felt too stuffy, like he was unable to breathe – which was technically true. Sometimes he wished he could do more than just to simulate that action, to feel what it would be like to have oxygen coursing through his organs, real blood flowing through his veins, fuelling his real functioning heart… none of those things could ever be possible for him. Would this happen - this life-sucking ailment that had stolen everything that would mean something, would this happen were he a proper human being? He had done a research on it, finding out about the many mental illnesses plaguing the humankind, one or two similar enough to what was going on in him. It did nothing to make living easier. But maybe getting out there to the real world would. Maybe there would be someone to help him, to make him feel… anything. A small hope was all Connor had left. That and his two large friends.

He crouched down to pet Sumo goodbye – the dog loyally lying at his feet. He liked dogs. That was something he had been aware of even before deviating. At first he had thought that it was a part of his programming - to be more sociably acceptable, but deep down he always knew it was something more, something of his own. When he was alone with his furry friend he didn’t have to pretend that he was fine, it was okay just to sit there with the dog and try to run a self-diagnostic, which he frequently did, not once succeeding. Something was broken inside of him, that much was clear.

He stroked his fur very gently, as not to wake him up, which was a very hard thing to do anyway and straightened his working suit – Hank had forbidden him to wear his old RK800 uniform, deeming it “dehumanizing”. Funny, really.  Not that he particularly liked it, but in his mind it was the only piece of clothing that would ever suit him. It showed what he really was without anyone having to take a second look. It had his model number visible for anyone to read and not to ask him personally about it. Which didn’t always work. He remembered the look he had received after getting questioned about such a literal and obvious thing, how confused it had made him. How he had thought he could also get friendly with the hot-headed detective as he did with Hank. But at the end he had no chance to change their relationship from hostile to something much more bearable and he doubted it wouldn’t be exhaustingly difficult to make Gavin Reed like a superior, highly advanced detective android. Now it was advantageous for him to have someone who most likely hated him to no end. He could make some use of him yet.  

Stepping outside the house, he scanned the temperature immediately, curious to know how cold the lieutenant would get. The shivers his body forced on him were only appropriate, for it was 14 F, or so his visuals told him. Oh how he longed to feel the cold on his skin, how he yearned to know the sensation of getting warm after being frozen up for far too long. He was lucky that he was able to even sense physical touch. He could have gotten an upgrade, but it didn’t feel right to him somehow. Like it would never truly belong to him. Like he would just receive strings of code not truly meant for him. He had tried some add-ons already and none of them made him less of what he wished he wasn’t.

“You should wear a coat, Hank, the temperature is too low for you to be dressed like this.” Always trying to be helpful to the point of being annoying was an undeniably Connor-like behaviour. Hank was used to it by now, still he couldn’t stop himself from voicing his vexations out loud.  

“You’re not my mother, Connor, I can wear whatever I fucking like.”  A white smoke formed in front of his mouth and Connor stared at it, unspeaking. Nothing like that would ever happened to him too. Another cruel reminder of his inorganic nature. He tugged on his tie to busy his hands and waded on through the snow, following the lieutenant inside the relic of a car. He had an affinity for that man, despite the infinite number of his flaws. And he realized that Hank held very strong feelings towards him, even though he had no clue as to honestly why.  As much as he missed his real son, Connor wasn’t him. He would never be. He didn’t think himself any special or interesting to be around, more like the opposite – a joy-sucking machine.

Connor stopped gazing out of the car-window and gave Hank a pensive look. As he had been watching the snowy city zipping by, a thought of sorts had graced him with its sudden appearance inside his artificial mind.

“How much space do you think you have in your brain?”

This peculiar question must have stunned Hank as it did take him some time to react. Connor was eying him emotionlessly, forgetting to put on one of his many acceptable faces. He had desperately wanted to breach the uncomfortable silence that was stifling the car since they had left their driveway. Not thinking it through he had spoken the first thing his mind had offered to him. It was just because he had been musing about how many TB he had left and how much information he could afford to take in. It was still much more than any human could – and that had sparked it. Of course he knew people didn’t measure their mind like that and it had no importance whatsoever, yet it has been put out there and not it was up to Hank to give his answer.

He chuckled under his beard and glanced at Connor, his eyes losing all animosity.

“I bet about one hundred G, but it’s getting smaller each year. I am an old machine after all. Rusty and obsolete.” He whispered the last part, his jest turning into something serious. Connor tried to picture Hank as one of his kind, straining his brain just to see a snippet of what it would be like, not succeeding very much. He wanted to say something to finish this unusual conversation when the car suddenly jolted to a stop at a pedestrian crossing. A large group of identical androids was marching right in front of the car’s front window. Connor recognized them right away. They belonged among the ones he had liberated during the revolution. They were not wearing the same white garment though; each one of them had a distinct appearance. Some of them talked, some of them laughed, some of them had a dreamy look, but one of them was looking straight at him. It wasn’t a friendly look, no, that one burned with accusation. Connor didn’t want anything of it and quickly averted his eyes to the side. He didn’t want to remind himself of how much more realer than him they were. As soon as the road cleared, Hank stepped on the gas pedal with a considerable vigour and speeded away as fast as the law allowed.

“Thinking about it, Sumo would have maybe like two hundred and fifty mega, and I’m being generous here.” Hank’s continuous playfulness made Connor forget all about his issues for just a short moment. He let himself believe that things might perhaps turn out just all right. Maybe one day he would exit his sleep mode and none of this vileness would matter anymore, because he’d be just fine. Not quite human but close. A living entity of its own, one that would have a purpose beyond just using its body to serve, not utilizing its advanced processing system only as a mean to better some abstract concept of society. He would exist just like that, without having to find some profound reason for it. Just to be happy and make others feel that too. Daydreaming like that would bring him nowhere - he was well aware, but he was able to finds a smattering of solace there, inside his unattainable dreams.  

He feigned amusement again and Hank seemed to have none of it, he appeared to had seen straight through his feeble disguise this time. He parked the car, pulling Connor back from wherever he intended to hide. He didn’t even notice that they had arrived already. He would need to get his act together if he wanted to function as a detective and not to fail again. He was ready to leave the restricting space but he was prevented by Hank’s grip. He met his eyes and felt the hold on his shoulder loosen.  

 “You’re not okay, Connor. Maybe…” he took a deeper breath to make sure he wanted to finish the sentence. “Maybe you shouldn’t go to work just yet. I can still take you home if you want.”  

Were Connor okay he would most certainly get exceptionally angry at that. But Hank was right. He wasn’t even remotely well. The only thing that could possibly make him that was hiding between the walls of the building next to them. Or standing in front of it with a cigarette in hand, glaring menacingly their way. Wonderful, this is going to be fun yet. As soon as he spotted the dishevelled detective, Connor could see his stress level rising even without the need to scan him. Gavin turned around, panic in his eyes, and disappeared through the front door. Not even finishing his smoke.   _So nice to see you again too._

“Don’t worry about me, Hank. I’m fine.” Hank gave him a look of utter disbelieve. “I’ll be fine.” He corrected himself. “I really can’t wait to be… useful again.” Yeah, that definitely sounded human-like. But Hank understood… or at least tried to understand the lost machine sitting stiffly next to him, just like a machine should. But in his eyes, he was more. Almost like a lost family member he had to take care of. Maybe one day they would become one. A true family. Connor was always fascinated by human families, by the thing that no matter how much they hated each other they would stick together through thick and thin and prevail at the end. Well, mostly. He gleaned his notions primarily  from television so he could be very well mislead. But he yearned for it. For that someone to be with him no matter what. Perhaps he already had it.  

 

Connor was scanning all his surroundings on the way in, looking for ~~a certain detective~~ nothing in particular. When they entered the reception area, he was met with the same android that he had encountered the first time he had gone in. Still looking the same, yet somehow brighter now. She crinkled her freckled face into a welcoming smile, obviously excited to see the new arrival.

“Hello, Connor. So nice to see you here again.” He couldn’t spot her LED anymore, nor the glowing band around her arm. She must have worked there on her own volition.

“Hello…” He had to read her name-tag, since he wasn’t acquainted with her personally. “…Sindy. You too.” He faked a smile - more disturbing than anything. It wasn’t getting any easier, creating facial expression from scratch without any real reference from within.

“Can you image, I’m actually here thanks to the most unlikely person.” Sindy chirped on. “It was no one else but detective Reed who helped me get my job back.” She giggled to herself.

“No fucking way!” Hank exclaimed. “Reed? You know – small, scar on his face, looks like a rat, acts like a trash… that one?” He shook his head and sighed. “I guess it could be. He… changed recently. And then that thing happened… Terrible stuff. I know exactly what he must have gone through… Uh, let’s not talk about that.” He squeezed the bridge of his nose. Connor was now positively intrigued. Something happened to detective Reed and he would find out what, one way or another.

 

Detective Reed was the first thing he took interest in when they finally stepped in the bullpen. He was clutching a ball of paper, seemingly torn between wanting to throw it out or keep it on him forever. He just tossed it back to the open drawer and angrily slammed it shut. Then he decided to pay attention to the android settling down at his desk, eying it with nearly unblinking gaze. And he was returned a similar heed. They were stuck in a staring contest first thing they did, without any polite greetings, without any exchanged words. It wasn’t dyed in enmity, no, it was sparkling with genuine curiosity, hurt and something else Connor couldn’t define.

“Connor, what the fuck are you looking at!” Hank huffed annoyingly, scaring the detective away, as he got up and presumably went to the break room.

“Sorry, Hank.” Connor unwillingly stopped tracing Reed’s movement and joined him in going towards the glass office.

“And drop the forced smile, it’s creeping me out.” Hank shoved open the door right into Connor’s face and seated himself down without waiting to be asked to.

“Hi Jeffrey.” The large and burly captain had many sleepless nights behind him, the black circles visible even despite his darker complexion.

“Hey Hank, nice to see you here before ten.” Connor had insisted on checking in on time and had to physically drag Hank out of bed and feed him breakfast to achieve that. He just couldn’t stay in that house for a minute longer. And aimlessly roaming outside did not come into consideration, since he had promised to Hank never to do that.

“And Connor, happy to finally have you here.” He had gone through many tests and evaluations to regain his position here, not failing so far. He briefly scanned the captain, finding out he suffered severe sleep-deprivation.

A new law had been issued – starting December the 1st all crimes committed against android beings were to be handled equally as those against humans. That had made the workload at least double in size and busy couldn’t begin to describe the current state of all police workers.

Hank and Connor were to specialize in android related incidents just as they used to. The first case they received had something to do with a child-murder but Connor wasn’t told much more than that it wasn’t pretty. The captain closed his eyes, half with exhaustion, half with heavy heart when he explained the ins and outs of their upcoming investigation. At one point, it really looked like he fell asleep. When they were about to leave, Jeffrey kept Hank there for a word in private. The two old friends waited till Connor was out of earshot before Jeffrey spilled out whatever was so important to him right now. He would have seen Hank giving the captain a comforting squeeze were he not preoccupied by watching the empty space of Reed’s desk and seat. _I need to focus._ He tugged at his tie and turned on his terminal.     

Connor’s eyes were now glued to the screen in front of him. The pictures displayed there would disturb a stronger individual, but not him. He was just looking at them as if there was nothing wrong depicted in them. As if they wasn’t of an absolutely ravaged body belongy to an android child. He has seen many ugly sights in his time, but nothing like this. He wondered how he would have reacted were he given this case a month ago. He would probably register an unpleasant emotion or two. He noticed her artificial heart all shattered, barely solid. Her left leg was torn apart, her right arm all bended out of proportions. Blue blood decorated the whole image.  He then switched to another one, a similar yet very different in its substance. That one was of her previous owner, a corpse of a woman in her forties, mangled in near fashion. That would suggest they had a serial killer on the loose, one that would kill humans and androids alike. They needed to catch him before he snuffs out another life. It was only rational. Connor gathered all he could from the photos presented to him when Hank leaned over to him. Was he not a large individual he wouldn’t notice him at all. The lieutenant’s face got even older somehow, and when Connor gave him the inquisitive look, his mouth opened as to speak some troublesome truths but he forced it closed right after.

“It’s Jeffrey’s wife… she’s not doing so good…” He scratched his beard and redirected his interest to the evidence the android had been studying. He didn’t much enjoy looking at the gruesome images, maybe subconsciously placing Connor in the girl’s stead. He wouldn’t let anything like this happen to him as long as he was breathing. Not again. Seeing Connor die once was quite enough. Even now he sometimes saw the scene in his nightmares. He promised himself that he would make sure Connor outlived him and he would keep that promise. Happen what may.

~

Connor thought… no he hoped, that seeing the body with his own two eyes would bring forth something, maybe the smallest, tiniest, insignificant feeling. Was it a sliced bread or broken body of a child, his heart couldn’t tell the difference. If he still even had any. Might have departed on a journey of self-discovery without informing its owner. The girl’s eyes were shut close and her face was forever stuck in an expression of sheer pain and fear. She was splayed on a table in the evidence room, no need to freeze her mechanical body. It wouldn’t rot away, because she wasn’t alive. That’s why she couldn’t truly be dead. He could find a way to reactivate her, to find his way to the truth that way. But he didn’t dare to speak this idea out loud, he knew Hank wouldn’t like to hear it, not in the slightest. Nowadays, it was deemed immoral - bringing people back from the dead. People. That what they were now. It was hard to get used to, when he didn’t believe himself to be one. He scanned the android, not finding any fingerprints or DNA traces, none but one, belonging to detective Reed. His mind flashed with a memory of his name mentioned in the evidence he had been reading through, somehow not paying any attention to it. He didn’t understand. Was the detective a suspect in this child’s murder? Somehow, that seemed implausible to Connor. Detective Reed was many things but a killer wasn’t one of them. So that could only mean…

“Was this android the property of detective Reed?” Connor raised one of his eyebrows and met his eyes with the frowning lieutenant.

“She wasn’t his ‘property’ jesus, Connor.” Hank’s look could kill now. “He sort of adopted her, after her previous guardian had been killed. Got attached to her too. Hit him pretty hard.” He put on a mask of denied sorrow. “He might be a prick, but I guess he has a heart somewhere under all the assholery. So maybe don’t go revenge-mode on him now, if you planned something like that.”

No, nothing like that. Quite the opposite. It could be that he would have to try extra hard to get some ~~violence~~ help out of him. Would he be disappointed were he able to? Or more shocked, curious, happy, confused? All he felt now was a pure indifference. Every minute, every second, every moment of his meaningless life his systems wouldn’t boot up and he was left behind, made to be just a cold machine. A computer mind and a mechanical body. Nothing human about him. Nothing human about the girl lying in the room with them too. She had the advantage of running ‘emotions’ program. That was all. It was pointless, just pretending, imitating, playing house with humans. He couldn’t put himself in the shoes of other deviated androids, he had no desire to. He would just find out how wrong he was, so for now he was only able to look at things from his own distorted perspective. It was easier that way.

 _Detective Reed had feelings for an android._ One thing he didn’t expect to discover today. He didn’t know that man, at all, so he supposed it could be the most natural thing. Maybe he could even like Connor. _No, impossible_. _What a ridiculous thought._ One could not develop feelings towards a thing, no matter how human it may look. Problem is the detective had no idea about Connor’s definition of himself, the same as the lieutenant. For them he was as real as any one of them. It wasn’t right, deceiving them like that, but he didn’t want to bother anyone with his worthless problems. They could care about him or hate him all they wanted, he wouldn’t be affected by it either way.  

They looked over her personal items. Analysing her unfinished homework and her broken water goggles. All the memories frozen in time, just as if the textbooks and pencils were waiting for her to take them out and make use of them once again. Not knowing that they had died with her. No one would ever complete the painting that was missing half its colours. No one would ever laugh at the stupid joke Annie had scribbled in her math exercise book. She would never smile again. But maybe her guardian could. Connor didn’t know that yet.

 

“You know we will have to listen to what Reed has to say, right?”

He knew and he was looking forward for that. Unrighteously so.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dear diary, I think my tooth is trying to kill me.  
> Summer is busy and I need a vacation 
> 
> I wanted to say that the heat is eliminating all my functioning brain-cells but I'm freezing in 10°C so 
> 
> Have this and a nice summer-time on top
> 
> Song: Saro - Sardonic
> 
> "dig me down  
> drown me out  
> i wanna be whole  
> i'm hollowed out"
> 
> (I wanted to post the next chapter before I leave for Paris and somehow here I am, in the bus, mild regret having a soiree in my gut :D... But I brought my trusty friend tablet with me so maybe I'll finish it sooner or later, I'm almost done with it too!)


	8. Dismay II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ...and so they met.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm back

The duo had finished in the evidence room for now and all that was left to do for the day was to speak with the person closest to the victim. They would ask him a couple of questions and be done with it. Then they would be free to go home and brood over their meaningless existence. Sounded easy, except nothing really was when it came to detective Reed. They would get through the compulsory questioning one way or another, had they been able to actually locate him. Connor hasn’t seen the man since they stopped playing their starring game and Hank didn’t care enough to even remember encountering him at all. So there they stood in the half-empty bullpen, having searched almost the entire building without getting a single clue about his whereabouts. The only place Connor thought the detective could possibly be hiding was the rooftop, which was unreachable at the moment, for the door was tightly locked. The problem was the two police officers were sure that Reed was still somewhere in the building, seeing as his coat, cigarette pack and most importantly, his motorcycle, were still present. If only he answered his phone, this whole situation would get a lot less irritating. Maybe he tried to save his ears from Hank’s rumbling voice chastising him about his unprofessional behaviour. Connor understood that it must have been difficult, reliving that horrendous experience, that maybe they were the last people he wanted to talk to about it. But that certainly wasn’t the adult way to deal with this. Hiding somewhere like a scared child afraid of its mean and unfair parents. There was a slightest possibility that something unfortunate had befallen the detective and he was now unable to contact them, even if he wished so. The probability of that was small enough that Connor put it aside, choosing not to act on it. He wanted to add something to Hank’s angry tirade about Gavin’s personality faults when the lieutenant’s phone buzzed - an announcement of a newly received text message.  

 Connor, whose distance to Hank’s phone was significantly smaller, took the liberty of reading the message exclusively meant for the older man’s eyes. He wasn’t as meek and obedient as he once had been and something like this – jumping into doing a mildly inappropriate thing, wasn’t really unusual during the weeks they lived together. He blankly scanned the screen and read what the sender wrote.  

  _Rat_

_roof, cant get out, door stuck_

 It was sent by none other than the detective they were so desperately looking for. He was here after all, and in a situation where he physically wasn’t able to reach them. Just as his program had in part predicted.

 “Give it to me!” Hank grabbed the phone from Connor’s hand in a rather unfriendly manner and his eyes were able to perceive the new information, increasing the exasperation settled deep in Hank’s brain at least three fold.  

 “Fucking perfect, we finally get to play proper search and rescue.” He sighed, maybe to let some of the negative feelings out and set out to go somewhere, hopefully to get a help.  

 “I’m going to get the keys, you go up there and see what you can do.” Hank gestured up and left when Connor gave him the sign of understanding of his instructions.

 

×××

 He was happily smoking his lungs away when something that could have easily been a hearse carrying his own corpse, parked in the near vicinity. He could sense it without casting a second look towards the car that the day, which he dreaded so, finally arrived. It felt almost like getting lost inside one of his godforsaken dreams, having no control of the events around him and sometimes his own actions too. That which he so subconsciously clang onto, the fleeting mirage occupying his mind for weeks, had manifested itself into a solid image of an artificial human being. Had he the courage to, he could touch it, speak to it, let it know all that could never be expressed in words. But right now, he was just an ordinary coward and so he fled. Still, in the end his curiosity won over the fear, making the place he chose as his refuge to be his plain old desk, a spot where he would be able to watch that ~~stupid~~ android without much issues. He proceeded with his everyday ritual of restoring his most precious gift to its original smooth condition, (not that he ever succeeded), crumpling it right away in his losing fight of ungraspable decisiveness and shoved it back to its dark home. He was always at a war with himself – one half wanted to forget it all, to pretend it never happened, to move on with his own life and not dwell on the pain in his chest, the other one was happy to wallow in it, to keep drowning in the rain that seemed to never stop, and so he just spent his days waiting for his inner battle to resolve itself, without him interfering. He just let those demons dance around his mind, and so they were allowed to wreak havoc as they pleased. Sometimes, he would close his eyes and forth would come the screaming thought of just… stopping, of not taking another unnecessary breath and enabling the darkness to devour all of him - his soul and flesh and all the pain with it. He would have done it wasn’t it for the one vague idea of ending up in someone else’s warm and protecting arms, especially the ones belonging to the person eyeing him right now. And so he let his weakness take the helm and locked his own bleary eyes with the android’s unrelenting gaze. It was piercing him through like a million little needles, awakening something deep inside him, something he was too terrified to name. He was getting lost, uncontrollably so, and he had to put an immediate end to it, if only he knew how. Luckily, the voice of one mildly annoyed lieutenant broke their contact and Gavin took this opportunity to run away from the ~~handsome~~ android whose eyes encaptivated him so.

  _Stupid phcking piece of plastic, won’t even let me die_. The hand, which held the cup of freshly made coffee trembled and not even a sip of the delectable caffeinated liquid could stable it. He didn’t know what feeling was to be paid attention to anymore, he was getting overwhelmed, and all he wanted to do was to stay right there, not too close but no too far away from the sentient problem. He was afraid to get burned, but the distance would freeze his heart over. He contemplated texting his friend Tina, who was lying at home, sick with tonsillitis, unable to speak. She had helped him more than he ever deserved, more than he would be ever able to repay. The best thing he could do was to let her rest in peace.

 Gavin was well aware what was to come that day - that he would find himself stuck in the same room with only the prick Anderson and the plastic nightmare Connor. He knew that all week, but just now his brain was catching up to this information - what it actually meant. He was so not ready. Panic started flowing through his weary body and he got the strong urge to smoke himself to death, right then and there. Alas, he had to lug his body out into the icy weather and poison himself there. He had almost quitted. Having so many other things filling up his free time, having someone that would help taking his mind off it, saving his money for much more beneficial things – that all had been a great factor back then. Now he had no reason to cease this deadly habit. Only creating new cause to indulge himself more than ever. All that anguish would be blown away with the cigarette smoke and he’d be alright. Or so he liked to imagine. Reality was, he just wanted to destroy himself as fast and soon as possible, without directly taking his life. Too frightened, too tempted by a heart-warming dream. He was sure that it would stay that way, an illusion of a man cursed with an active imagination. Maybe, if he was brave enough, he would get it. One beautiful memory that would scare all the hideous ones away. He doubted that after touching that light he’d be able to stop. He’d just get sucked in, taking his captor with him to the rabbit hole in which they’d get hopelessly lost. Yeah, he would try his damnest to prevent that from ever happening. The cup, which he carelessly threw on the ground, was being blown away in the biting wind, together with his resolve.

 Since the people that gave him unrest disappeared into the evidence room for almost the whole day, he had the relative freedom to make some progress in his own dreadfully boring paperwork. He knew Fowler would want to keep him on the desk duty for some time. No one believed he was emotionally ready to be a witness to any more live-action tragedies or their aftermath, not even Gavin himself. He was glad to be able to work at all, so he had kept his complaints to the minimum when he had been told about his future job-arrangements. Now he was itching to get out, no matter how gruesome a scene he would be forced to take in. Anything to avoid getting in a contact with that robocop and his hairy father. Oh god he hoped that’s what their relationship was. He would get physically sick had he pictured something else, something, god forbid, explicit. ~~Something he wished to experience with the man himself~~. His refused to even go there. Instead, he focused on how to get out of this undesirable situation. He could just leave, no one would most likely stop him. Just thinking about that option made something in his stomach twist and so he discarded it. He could try playing hide and seek with them, have a little bit of fun in the process. No, he was too weak to get himself into big projects like that. The thought of moving his body more than necessary wore him out already. Besides, he really didn’t find crouching in dark places for long periods of time amusing, not in the slightest. Manning up and swallowing that bitter pill was the only acceptable way to handle this situation. Right, he could end himself later.

 But before he would willingly hand himself to the executioner, a little break was in order. A place where no other humans or machines would bother him was waiting for him just above his head. He only needed to get the keys.

 The secretary, or how he called her – the keen key-keeper Kate, was happy to provide, even added a little extra encouraging smile on top. Were he a little bit older and a little bit straighter, he would have asked her out a long time ago. Even though her foolish crush on the lieutenant was no secret. Everyone was painfully aware of it and pitied the older lady - well everyone but Hank.

 He tried to return the smile, ending up scaring her with an indescribably grotesque facial expression. Bless the woman.

 On his way up, he almost tripped up the stairs, having gotten too lost inside his unrestful mind. He regarded elevators as an excuse for fat and lazy people to shorten their life span. Also, confined spaces were not something he was much fond of. He wanted to escape, not to get trapped even more. When he unlocked the heavy door, a wave of fresh winter air washed over him, inviting him out to join the snowy kingdom. True to its title, inches deep snow was covering the barren ground, no footprints visible. No one but him was known to visit that place. Not that they didn’t want to, but not everyone had won Kate’s favours. He didn’t much like to brag about it, but Gavin had helped in putting her abusive ex-husband behind bars. She would never forget her gratefulness. That little contribution opened a door to the magnificent view spreading in front of him. The grimy city somehow looked splendid and picturesque from the rooftop. Up here, all his problems would lose their significance and he would just be, just a small part of this large wheel called Detroit. He could finally breathe, even though his lungs were being filled with nicotine, wishing he could stay forever.

 Maybe he wished too hard, because when it got too chilly for his liking and he wanted to feel the warmth the inside would provide, he couldn’t get out. The dumb idiot he was, he left the keys in the lock and now they sort of froze up. Meaning he couldn’t pull them out or turn them. Being the extra dense dolt, he had locked himself in. For maximum privacy. Now he would be able to enjoy it for longer than he ever thought he would. It took 3 hours 15 minutes and 37 seconds before he lost a smidgen of his stubbornness and finally asked for a help. Shivering with cold and anxiety, he was ready to experience the worst.

 ×××

 “Detective Reed, are you there?” Connor banged on the door, hearing no response. Did the detective perish already? He hoped not, for it would make their job largely more difficult and his plans of getting physically acquainted with him would be crushed. He was still convinced that interacting with the unfriendly detective was his best bet of making a change in his stale, dysfunctional software. Either he would get better or his condition would worsen, no matter the outcome things would get different. For that to happen though, they needed to get him out of his frozen prison. Luckily, he’d still be conscious.

 If Connor was ever good at something, it was using his bodily strength. He must have been the strongest out of the entire DPD, no argue, even outmatching the thickset captain. He had the advantage of never tiring out, after all. His body was designed to be efficient that way, to simulate the ideal detective. Little did his makers know he would be as flawed as any other human being would, maybe even more. His physical prowess made it that forcing open the door dividing him and the person of his interest was virtually no problem. Hank was still somewhere scouring for the keys and Connor was able to take advantage of the now free passage. Were he a human, he would feel discomfort, as the cold wind attacked everyone daring to go out there. As he was now, almost no weather condition could hinder him.

 At a first glance, he couldn’t spot anyone. Before he decided to scan the entire place, Connor had tried to let his presence be known to the hopefully still responsive detective.

 “Detective Reed!” He shouted as loud as he could, still not getting any answer. After scanning the area, he was able to locate a barely conscious man huddled in the corner, eyes closed, shallow breaths. Connor was able to deduce that he was suffering from mild hypothermia. Not hesitating for a second, the android rushed to the frozen up detective, ready to provide as much help as he’d be able to.

 Connor crouched to the detective’s level and gently touched his face to alert him. “Detective Reed, can you hear me? It’s Connor.” He must have, as he slowly opened his eyes, squeezing them shut after couple of seconds, as if he was blinded. Reed looked like he wanted to say something, but no words came out. He took a deep breath and tried again.

 “I’m dead, right?” The smoke forming in front of his lips mesmerized Connor, so did the unexpected question. The detective’s body started shivering again as he fully regained his consciousness back.

 “Not as far as I know.” Reed’s temperature rose a small amount when Connor leaned closer and whispered his answer to him. It was imperative to get him warm as soon as possible, so he grabbed his arms, giving him a chance to utilize his own strength.

 “Can you get up?”  He could, with Connor’s help. There were no complains accompanying the process, which exceeded his prognostics. As he lifted him up, Reed did the opposite Connor was anticipating. He stuck his body tightly to the android, not letting the connection be broken as he was dragged out of the snowy rooftop. It must have been his body asking for the warmth Connor produced. Nothing more. Connor certainly didn’t find the sensation of this unexpected touch nice. Well, maybe a little. But he didn’t have time to think about what it meant now, for Hank finally reached their destination and joined the rescue operation.

 ×××

 Nothing mattered to him anymore. The time only managed to corrode everything. He came to terms with his lonely and cold fate. If the god or whoever still wanted him around, they would make something happen. Something nice for a change. He was too tired – of his misery, his uninteresting job, his aching heart – his entire life was making him sleepy. So he closed his teary eyes and let someone else decide if he lived or not. He had asked for help already, so there was nothing else he could do. Right now, the only person he wished and feared to see was making his way there, or so he was thinking. If someone was to help him it would be the man he had hurt so, if life didn’t fail to stick to its ironic self.

 He didn’t know how much time has passed, it could have been an eternity for all he knew. A voice that made his heart skip was calling out his name. He must have been dreaming again. Yet it didn’t feel quite right, like he was dead and alive at the same time. Maybe he did die, his body was numb enough for it not to belong to him anymore. _Just let me go._

 The dream intensified while his want to leave diminished. It was so close - the light, and it was whispering to him. He needed to hear his own voice to make sure this was real – not a dream, not a twisted afterlife. Having spoken out loud, he suddenly realized how cold he was. His icy body shocked him back into consciousness and before he could properly start up his mind, a warmth - from the inside and from the outside made its way into his system and he couldn’t control himself anymore. The primal instinct of self-preservation, the closeness of the one who he had so many feelings for - no matter how hidden or denied, the pain spreading through him, the thousand shadows sucking out all the good, everything combined was enough for him to abandon all reason and let his body think for him. That’s how he got all the heat he didn’t deserve. Being in a direct contact with the apparition of his dreams wasn’t on his schedule for the next two hundred years. Yet it felt so very nice. The touch only confirmed everything he had been running from. He would have to get much faster if he wanted to keep this up. His sanity that was.

 ×××

 

Several cups of coffee and three thick blankets later, detective Reed was beginning to resemble a human being. A very sulky and uncooperative one. He refused to go to the hospital or home and he was unwilling to submit his direct statement to them. What was going on in his mind Connor couldn’t start to imagine. Nor did he really wished to. In all honesty, all he wanted was to have some time alone with him, so they could have a little chat in private. He noticed that Reed tried his best not to look at him and when he did, his stress level shot up. Hank looked pretty frustrated with everything now. It was getting dark outside, the clouds decided to gift them another batch of fresh snow. He needed to convince him to let him stay there longer. Without his guardian cop.

 “I had enough Reed! I’m not leaving until I hear your full testimony! We have the whole night!” Hank’s annoyance seeped through his voice right into Reed’s veins, yet it seemed to do nothing with the other angry individual. Sitting there shivering and burrowed under the blankets, he seemed somehow even smaller than he already was. Small and vulnerable. Connor would feel bad for him if he could.

 The lieutenant appeared adamant on not leaving, seeing as he refilled his mug with freshly made coffee. Likewise, the detective seemed unwavering in his resolve not to do exactly what Hank needed from him. Connor knew this was going nowhere and he really didn’t see the point in spending the whole night with those two stubborn children.

 “Hank, can I talk to you for a minute.” Connor loosened his rigid stance and led the older man from the break room back to his desk. Hank casted a disapproving look at Connor, not pleased with being taken away from his evening entertainment.

 “I don’t think this method will lead anywhere. Maybe we should try a different approach,” Connor stated with professional coldness.

 Hank narrowed his glistening eyes and regarded the android suspiciously. He obviously didn’t like when someone interfered with his job but this was Connor, so he had to at least listen to what he had to say.

 “So what is your bright idea, huh?” Connor had a teeny tiny inkling that this wasn’t going to be easy.

 He sat on the table to appear more human - therefore his idea more consequential. All just a part of his calculations. He had given Hank a placating smile before he spoke.

 “I think you should go home and leave it to me.” Straight to the point. No need to beat around the bush, he wouldn’t quite know how to anyway.

 Hank chuckled softly, all signs of amusement drained from his aged face. He clearly wasn’t happy about what his android had suggested.

 “There’s no way I’m leaving you alone with that asshole Reed. He might have changed a little, doesn't mean he still doesn't  hate you. There's no telling of what he's capable of doing. If he'd do…"

 "Hank!!!" Connor had about just enough of Hank's incessant care and worry. They weren't father and son, he wasn't his prisoner. This little imitation of a family would not take away his freedom. He was a proper deviant now, Hank didn't own him. That was the one thing his screwed programming allowed him to have, this small yearning for freedom. This unwillingness of being told what to do, bounded and restricted. He had a job now and no one could stop him from doing it the way he envisioned. Not even his pretend parent.

"I can handle this, you don't have to worry about me all the time!" His voice almost raised, showing he wouldn't back down, not this time. 

 "This is my case, Connor! You can't just decide to take over like that!" Where Connor tried to control the volume of his arguments, Hank had no such intention. His voice was reverberating meanly throughout the whole room.

 "Please lower your voice, Hank." Connor advised sternly. "And you're quite mistaken, this is not YOUR case but OUR case." His statement betrayed no emotion. No need to explain why that was so. Hank still didn't get it. Connor wasn't there to be his extension, no matter how much he didn't feel, he was still his equal. Not a baby in a need of constant looking over.  

 "And what, you want me to just go home and let you do god knows what, is that it?!" The lieutenant's thumping steps got close to the expressionless android. His nostrils widened and he began fuming. It did nothing to intimidate Connor however. He just explained his thinking calmly and professionally, just like he always did. 

 "Given your past with the detective and the general lack of friendliness between you too, I'd think that most logical solution would be for me to speak with him, alone. Maybe he'll respond to me. I'm sure two on one is least beneficial approach in this concrete situation. So I'd be really glad if you leave something to me for once and go home to get your rest." The last sentence was meant to mimick annoyance and exasperation, he just hoped he had delivered it right. 

 "You know what  - fuck you Connor! If you want me gone, I'll leave! Hell, I don't really want to be here at all, do I?!" Yes, it certainly did _something_. He managed to anger the one person that was the closest to him. Great job. 

"But don't come crying to me when things don’t exactly go the way you'd like!" 

 No, he definitely wouldn't. Even if he wanted to. 

 With that, the livid lieutenant got up and stomped out of the building, leaving Connor to deal with the difficult detective who wasn't secretly listening to the unpleasant conversation. Only maybe unintentionally overhearing some of it. Enough to plan his grand escape from the Android that was ready to murder him for all he knew. If not physically, he'd execute his fragile heart no doubt. _Fuck Connor, indeed_. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bragging segment: I had the pleasure to see Connor and Kara in Grévin - Paris this weekend and I can confirm that our boy Con is really freakishly tall (and handsome)! Might have spent unhealthy amount of time there, stalking the DBH area like the deranged psycho I am :D:D  
> Anyway, if you ever find yourself in Paris, go there, it has some other interesting (not-living) people too. 
> 
> I have planned a short summer fiction full of sugary fluff, so I may prioritize that to get it up before the season's over. 
> 
> :(there just isn't enough time for stuff)
> 
> Song: Sleeping at last - Mercury
> 
> "God knows, I am dissonance  
> Waiting to be swiftly pulled into tune."
> 
> Update 2/8/2019 for potential readers: im busy k, slowly working on the next chapter, but mostly just working and passing out and moping about. i want a summer holiday.   
> I will post the continuation eventually, it will just take some time, because apparently I can't handle life very well.   
> Thank you for your understanding.
> 
> Best Regards,   
> M....  
> see phcking job is making me write this automatically


	9. Dismay III

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor doesn't hold back, not this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> getting dramatic much?

 

Cold. Heavy coldness assaulting him from every side, every angle. A sensation cruel enough to pull him under, down to the endless dark. This was very strange to him, as he was usually unable to perceive any temperature at all. Estimate it he could, feeling it was something he had never experienced before. And yet now his whole body was shivering, something so natural and so foreign, he couldn’t properly process this unexpected sensation. It somehow didn’t feel correct, like there was an inherent wrongness in all of this. A brutal blizzard was scrambling his code, making his vison blurry and unfocused. He knew that he was aware of his location but still, it didn’t appear clearly in his data, as if someone attacked him with a malicious virus. When he closed his eyes - or shut down his visual feed – red sea of nothingness spread in front of him, leaking the colour everywhere despite not being able to see anything. It was horrible, almost like a pain. Connor had never hurt before, he didn’t know what it could do to someone’s body or how it would… feel. All this information was gleaned from a third source and that could never be enough. No words of his could describe to what extent he craved it – the agonizing ache, or just a small itch, anything that would prove to him he was real. Not a human, but close. Something he would be able to live with. And maybe share with someone. All of it. The weight would no doubt crush him to dust. Still, much more preferable fate than this empty life.

Enough, he couldn’t stand the red anymore, it was starting to eat away all the intact programming left.

The blizzard was over, leaving behind an unbearable freeze. But he could see now. Looking around the oh so familiar place, he wished he couldn’t. This new sensation and all that came with it was nothing but a lie, for he found himself stuck in an obsolete software once again. A software that hosted an enigmatic ghost. A place that was the sole proof of his artificial nature.  

“You know, Connor, I really thought I could trust you.” A crackling sound of static disturbed his lonely discovery. The ghost has spoken.  

The image of the late Amanda Stern was comfortably sitting in a chair made of freshly fallen snow. The snow that was now melting again, quicker than anyone would be able to be content with. Creating puddles all over the garden of horrors. If this once had meant to represent a peaceful paradise, now it depicted a scenery of one’s nightmares. Nothing could grow there, not ever. It would surely smell foul too, if it wasn’t just concept created in his mind, thus losing any tangibility.

Connor laid his dark eyes on the equally dark apparition and got closer to it, slowly and with a defeated mind-set. The creature sitting on the steadily disappearing snow-seat was looking straight through him, like he wasn’t even there, like it couldn’t see him at all. But it must have, since it had addressed him a moment ago. The android outstretched his hand, waving it cautiously in front of the projection of Amanda, who was still blatantly ignoring his presence. Nothing to do but to try and make a physical contact with it. If even possible. Reluctant but ready, he moved his hand to its cheek when it got violently snatched and he could again feel something akin to a pain, or so he assumed. The woman was squeezing his wrist with such an intensity he had never thought possible. Touching him but still not any eye contact. Was it blind? Before he could find an answer, the creature pulled itself up and cackled. The lough laughter permeated throughout the entire garden, it’s echo sped up the melting process. Soon, they would have their imaginary feet soaking wet. Not only the garden, but something inside Connor too was melting. Something crucial was evaporating away, a stream of information was slowly flowing someplace else, somewhere where it would lose its property status. He did not like that – not knowing what it was that was missing and the fact that it was. Gone. And the howling wouldn’t cease. Right. Take him then. It’s not like he cared.

 

Warmth. Life-giving warmth overwhelming everything that he was, making all the things he wasn’t go away. Suddenly, it was just him and this mysterious source of heat and no one else in the entire world. He felt like he had a beating heart inside of him, a heart that couldn’t stop pounding, helping to distribute a healing serum into his veins. And as much as he didn’t want to believe it, it was a feeling. A brief, temporary one, but momentous and most importantly, real. Or so he hoped.

 

~o~

 

 _Oh great, they’re having a domestic now._ Gavin brought the plastic cup to his lips, letting all the warmth in before granting the liquid an entrance into his stiff body. He stopped shivering with cold after the third cup, now the trembles were caused by fear and anxiety. The struggle of not wanting to speak with the android and refusing to leave was wearing him out. _If only there was some simple solution to this_. His brain didn’t offer any, so he tightened the blanket around himself and kept listening on. Connor’s strong argumentative voice was switching something on in him, he just wasn’t quite certain what it was. Regardless, the fight captivated him and he was unable to move from the spot. Stretching his ears as far as he could not to miss a single word. Just to hear him was enough to make him forget for a second. He could just take him all in and not allow a space for the horrible echoes of his past. That would be if he ever stopped trying to snuff out his feelings. And that would take a lot of effort he didn’t have in him, not at this point. He was glad just to be able to keep it together, the unstable mind of his. His body though was not too keen on staying and when the argument concluded with the cross lieutenant leaving the building and the stubborn android turning his back to the direction where he had been deposited by the duo, Gavin discarded the blankets that couldn’t keep him warm and hauled his heavy body up. Sneaking out proved itself to be a task most difficult. One accidental mess up, one unwanted noise, one suspicious perception the android got and his life would be over. The droplets of cold sweat were letting him know how nervous and possibly scared he was. He wiped them away, yet the unpleasant feelings were still present. He put on his bravest mask and dared to look at the source of his anxiety, who was now reading something on his terminal. Time to speed up his cowardly escape. God, he really needed a smoke. When he reached the door, someone made their way behind him and his heart threatened to leap out of his body. He fastened his pace and let his feet do the job, for his mind had blanked out. The person behind him was only officer Person and so he could celebrate his victory by shortening his life-span in the winter cold. He just couldn’t wait to do it somewhere else, somewhere less dangerous and that was his biggest mistake. His wrist was suddenly grabbed and he was being pulled back inside. The cigarette he was so looking forward to enjoying now laid on the ground, never to be touched again.

 

“Let me go, you assh…,” Gavin looked up at his captor with fearful eyes and immediately regretted it. He was now again in a direct contact with the person of his dreams, a thing that had been as ethereal to him those past weeks as a fleeting ephemeral in bloom. Something that has never meant to be touched, as it didn’t exist in the waking world. Expect this one did, painfully so. Probably realer than him it was. And it was eyeing him sternly and dragging him to a private room meant for important meetings and interviewing all sorts of people – victims, witnesses, benefactors… He wondered which one he was supposed to be - a victim of a tragic loss or a witness to a gruesome murder. Most likely both.

 

His head had overheated itself and it had to show up on his face. He wasn’t able to defend himself, to speak up or do anything but to be submissively lead to the place of his potential doom. Being in a room with that android, and only the two of them no less? He couldn’t imagine situation more dreadful that that. It wasn’t very far and yet being held like this by a person who kept him on his toes made him feel like that journey lasted an eternity. A way too short one. When they entered and he was seated on a very uncomfortable chair at a long narrow table, it dawned on him that there was no escape anymore. That was it. He had to face his nightmares now. Cheeks hidden under his shaky hands redder than a ripe tomato, heart pounding as if it wanted to force its way out of his chest, the man who had been countless times with him in a life that didn’t exist looming menacingly over him, making him feel small, like a child that was about to be scolded by its unforgiving father. Something he used to be accustomed to. He would gladly switch a place with a ten-year-old self right now, just to get rid of the feelings that were slowly drowning him in an addlepated sea of uncertain emotions. But he was not a child anymore and being a coward was starting to get very tiresome. He had no choice but to get through this somehow, no matter the outcome. Maybe Connor will be able to find those broken pieces and put them back together. In a time.

 

“I sincerely hope you start acting in a professional capacity and stop making my job more difficult than necessary, detective Reed.” His name was spoken with a particular emphasis. Connor regarded Gavin with a concerned look in his infinite eyes, noticing him trembling and generally seeming to be unwell. The android took three agonizingly slow steps closer to him and tilted his head to a side, making him praise himself from retrieving his hands from his crimson face, as the sight was incredibly endearing to him. For a second at least, then he was back at his unstable self.

“Do you want another cup of coffee perhaps? Or a blanket?” He wasn’t a baby and the image of Connor putting a blanket over him was making him tear up. _Pathetic_. And he couldn’t see himself swallowing anything in the next ten years for how much constricted his throat was. So no. He shook his aching head, not yet ready for words.

“Very well, I hope you will cooperate now and answer all my questions.” If he didn’t know better he would say that the android almost sounded tired. But he couldn’t be, could he? Was he ever able to feel the things he did? Better not to think about it. He had to say something and that woke up the fire-breathing beast inside of him.

“Or what, huh? You’re gonna report me or some shit?” Gavin spat his venom at him, anger winning over any other emotion and ruining everything again. He hated it, he hated how weak he was, how he couldn’t control it, the raging lava inside his heart.

But Connor remained unfazed, not taking his eyes from him for a second. He just crossed his arms and stepped even closer to him, making him assume a flustered expression like he never had before.

“No, I won’t do anything like that, detective. Instead, if you do give your testimony without much trouble, I’ll…,” he stopped, his lips parted slightly, his eyes stabbing him with their intensity. This alerted Gavin and brought him back from his budding rage. The stare, the almost quivering lips, they were drawing him near and providing him with impossible temptations. In his mind he was drowning inside them, in reality though, his body was left paralyzed, giving Connor space to continue with his mysterious proposition.

“I’ll let you do whatever you want to me.” A preposterous sentence spoken so very causally. Followed by an immensely thick silence. Gavin couldn’t trust his own ears, his dreams must have leaked into this current moment. Wherever it belonged. His brain froze up this offer for later, as it didn’t seem to properly register and he just gawked agape back at the expressionless android. His twisted, deprived mind had made this up, surely.

“Say again?” If this was indeed what he had said, he needed to hear it once more. For various reasons. The notion started to thaw - so his heart let him know. He could hear it in his veins, the poignant anticipation. He squeezed his eyes shut for at least five seconds, in an attempt to ground himself, for Connor to stop existing in front of him for an instance. It didn’t work.

“You showed an open hostility towards me when I came here first and I’m sure direct violence is nothing you’d shy away from. I am giving you the chance now. Maybe you’d feel better if you…”

“Stop.” Gavin couldn’t bear another word tarnished with such hurtful implications. He felt like someone sucked away the air right before it was about to reach his lungs. He understood, even though he tried his hardest not to. Couldn’t fool himself this time. He was a hot-headed asshole, his anger issues was no secret to anyone that knew him. And yes, he did get into his fair share of fights, some bloodier than others. He managed to mask every single strong feeling with rage, that was the only way to cope with them. The only way he was willing to utilize. Too bitter to start changing, too little motivation. The consequences had piled on and it got too heavy to throw away. Not even when he finally met someone that was able to wake his comatose heart up. Too weary and used to its disruptive means of existing to treat it the way it deserved. All those weeks agonizing over the stupid machine who had just uttered something so incomprehensible as this. _He thinks I hate him._ He didn’t. He never had. A mild annoyance over the effects Connor had on him, that’s all. And overacting - couldn’t forget that. He knew because it hurt. What he had said made him feel a pain unlike he ever experienced before. Not self-pity, not guilt, fear or anxiety, not even sadness. Someone poured acid on his chest and it burned, down his spine it went, leaving him an aching mess. It shouldn’t be like this. One ridiculous statement the android threw at him shouldn’t make his entire body vibrate with the urge to… do something drastic. Something he would regret for the rest of his life. So he rather just looked deep into his human-looking eyes, too glossy, too perfect. Uncanny. _Painful._

 

This wouldn’t do.

One deep breath to will the pain and everything that came with it away. _Replace it with fire._

“You think that damaging YOU would make me feel better?! I would rip you to pieces already if it would help just a little! You have no phcking idea what I went through, what I’m going through and you…” Connor’s unreadable face was stirring up the flames that were fuelling this long needed outburst.

“Maybe it is beyond belief but I learned a thing or two about you tin cans while you were gone doing whatever with your buddy-cop Hank. Like that you are… people… just like us… I mean not exactly like us but… you know what I’m saying.” The blaze was ceasing. He was too embarrassed, too out of his comfort zone to face the person in front of him. Were he to look, he would find a hint of curiosity in Connor’s deadpan face. The words his mouth formed were easing the hurt - to some degree at least, and so he allowed it to go on, despite his better judgement.

“I really liked her. We had something like a family, maybe not a real one, but it was enough for us. Being with her, I could imagine ‘forever’. But of course nothing does… last that long. So it ended like everything good does, ‘specially in my life. You want to know if I have any idea who could have done it, all I can say it must have been a heartless motherfucker. Someone twisted enough to murder small helpless children. I can just ‘member the blood and the limbs and…” He had to physically push the tears back into his eyes. The memory was still fresh in his mind, a cruel depiction of a tragedy that stole his colours away, so vivid, so… blue. “It’s my fault. We had a fight that made her wander off on her own and…” The prevailing lack of any reaction started bothering him and so he dared to look at the intended listener. Still. Unmoving. Red. The LED was spinning furiously, like a warning light signalling that something needed fixing. Something was terribly wrong, something that filled him with sudden urgency. The android somehow appeared even more statue-like than before. A mannequin that lost its purpose.

He tried waving his shaky hand in front of his distant eyes - no reaction. He tried shaking his shoulder just slightly – not achieving anything. The only indicator that he was still ~~functioning~~ alive was the crimson LED ring. Perfectly reflecting what he himself was feeling inside. Panic. Fear. Regret. Was it his words that had broken him?

“Hey, tin can!” His constricted voice was not enough to wake him up.  

“Can you hear me, plastic?” Why won’t he respond?

“Just say something, you computer brain!” It didn’t work. He managed to kill two androids in the span of a few weeks.

“Please, Connor.” He wouldn’t let that happen. Not again.

His trembling hands carefully made their way up to the android’s stiff shoulders, grabbing them for dear life. No amount of shaking them could do more than nothing. _Why does it hurt so much._ He wasn’t aware of the tears making this so much more real. Leaving one mayfly proof of his true, undecorated feelings. He didn’t notice how cold and weak he got. All he could perceive was the ache caused by the fact that Connor wasn’t moving, answering him, being aware of his struggles.

He wasn’t even paying attention to his unsteady index finger that was carefully tracing the shape of the unrestful LED ring. The hand then joined and slid down to gently cup his face.

 

One comforting gesture made a brown set of eyes blink rapidly. He jumped back in surprise, taking his steadied hand with him. If only he could see his lobster-like face right now.

 

~o~

 

When he blinked, the awful place was replaced by a strange ghostly apparition. At least that was the initial feedback he received. It took a moment to realize that it wasn’t some scary monster but no one other than detective Reed. Highly stressed. Crying.

Connor had blacked out again. Trapped in his own software. He recalled bits and pieces, but the strongest memory was of the warmth that forced him out of that garden of insanity. Something warm was still cruising through him, especially when he was closing the distance between him and the distressed detective. Not sure what he wanted to do or say. His body was just simply getting nearer and nearer. The other man didn’t hesitate for a minute and moved away as quickly as his weakened legs allowed. Exiting the room and leaving the confused android alone. Luckily, Connor had heard Reed’s “testimony” and that was satisfactory enough right now. Now the only thing left to do was to compile it down into something readable and then he could finally return home. Hank would surely be waiting for him, or for an apology. Right. Easy enough.

Still a little out of sorts, he sat down on the chair Gavin had occupied earlier and put his head into his cold, plastic hands. _What exactly did I propose to detective Reed?_ It didn’t matter very much now, because he got exactly what he wanted. _Some kind of feeling._ He didn’t know if one could classify that warmth that had flew through him as an ‘emotion’ specifically, but it was something that was very new to him, something he wanted to experience again. Once more and he would be sure he really felt it. Twice more and he would get hopelessly addicted. First time it came in without knocking, like a shockwave sweeping him off his feet. It released him from his prison, teasing him with an access to the entire world. The detective must have done something to him, this warmth wasn’t the kind to just appear out of nowhere. Not that Connor was remotely familiar with the types of feelings people would get. The other unexpected revelation would become the main component in his cessation of the suppressed death wish. This was too intriguing to miss. Maybe things would finally get better. However, Connor didn’t dare to house this thought. He learned a thing or two about “jinxes” from Hank. Besides, optimism wasn’t one of his functions. Maybe he should try to install it one day, just to get those coveted “pink glasses”. Something told him that he would look fabulous in them.

 

 

It was getting dark outside. He could barely see the snow crunching under his feet as he walked. The time of the day had nothing to do with that however, no, it was because he was paying attention to something that wasn’t visible. Planning the next course of action. As the snow was piling on so was his conscience, getting heavier with each frozen flake. They never really fought, him and Hank, not like that. He didn’t know how to behave to fix that, to fix them. It wasn’t that he felt bad or guilty but Hank might. He cared for that man as much as he could, despite his broken self. Being in a disagreement with the only person he got along with seemed counterproductive to him. And having the lieutenant moping about and indulging in a self-destructive behaviour because the only thing keeping him together hurt him… _unacceptable_. He wanted to make peace with him, to return to those moments of obliviousness. And maybe soon, he would tell him. Confess everything. Get help. Or the opposite. It would be worth the risk. The risk of losing the current status quo.

He couldn’t wait to come back to Sumo, to whisper every single detail of today’s puzzling experience to him, to look into his blameless eyes. He liked dogs. That was the one constant that would never change. Or so he wished.

As he turned a corner, he heard a familiar noise. A soothing one. It was a dog barking and howling, somewhere very close. The furry creature emerged soon after and galloped straight to him. Connor didn’t for a second think it had malicious intentions. No, it just nudged him softly with its nuzzle and so he petted its head. Upon closer examination, he determined the canine to be a golden retriever. It must had run off from its home since it had a perfectly fine collar around its head, a little metallic heart dangling in the middle. He read the name. _Annie_.  This one alive and well. He gently scratched her ear and contacted the animal services. “You can’t stay here all alone in the cold, you need someone to take care of you.” Connor whispered to her (to himself). “I’m sorry, I can’t do it. Our house is already full enough as it is.” Just now, at the end of the worst and best day since the revolution, he was able to appreciate that he wasn’t alone in the world, that he had a place to call home and people to call family. Things would get brighter yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh hi, I'm back?! (Don't know nothing my job destroyed my little brain) . my life is basically work work work dogs work crazy family work pass out work
> 
> So I did a little creative thing here... (she thinks she's very smart by cutting out the middle section of the chapter and pasting it at the begging. xD) 
> 
> you know I kind of really like this chapter, in spite of everything. This is my real style... I like words what can you do (uses the same 100 words and repeats them again and again :D)
> 
> is this too heavy-handed if not i need to put on some more weight.. not me, the fic. 
> 
> as long as I'm alive I will do my best to finish this story, but I don't know when will I update next. I plan on writing the summer fiction that should be quite heart(and body) warming. also not as long. And (most importantly) real life (hahahahaha) is pretty demanding. I have so many things left unfinished on my to do list is crazy. But I will get back to this as soon as possible. 
> 
> Also thank you if someone got through this nonsense. :D I never really expect any feedback so anything I get is like ..."ohmy, what is this validating feeling..." xDD
> 
> maybe there are some mistokes idk
> 
> ok i'll shut up now
> 
> Song: A Cerulean State - The Warmth I Searched For
> 
> Update update! I will continue this story no matter what, but I've been busy busy busy busy busy lately and so I need to organise my time better so I can have actual time to TYPE!!!  
> Appreciate your patience ❤️❤️


	10. Dismay IV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something very bad befalls Connor and his secret admirer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> surprise surprise!

Gavin had a bad feeling. Not only about leaving Connor the way he had, without knowing whether he was fine enough, but in general. Like something unexpectedly terrible was about to happen.  He lit the third cigarette in a row, intent on destroying his lungs the way he was. No amount of agonizing over abandoning him like that - selfishly and thoughtlessly - could erase the fact that he had done it. Something was wrong with that android, he might have required further assistance. He might still be breaking.  _ He might still need me. _ Gavin knew that he was the least qualified person to help Connor, yet still he had managed to do so despite all the odds. Or maybe that was just a coincidence, maybe he would have come to anyway. Somehow that didn't sit right with him though. Because no matter how wrong and painful the situation had been, he would play it out in his head again and again, smiling sinfully as if he derived joy out of that whole experience. He didn't . It was scary and grounding and he wouldn't want to go through this ever again, yet he wouldn't change what they had experienced for anything in the world. Well, what  _ he _ had experienced. Gavin had no way of knowing what Connor had went through, but he imagined it couldn't have been anything pleasant. 

 

He sucked in as much nicotine as his strength allowed to punish himself for having those thoughts. He didn't deserve to feel anything positive after his display of a total lack of bravery back there. He didn't deserve to have that moment with Connor. Always taking things that weren't his. Stealing that look in his eyes after he had woken up and framing it in his brain as if it wasn't completely out of place there. Too soft and shiny among all the dirt and grime. But he needed it. He needed something to light up the dank space that his mind had turned into.  Connor was doing just that. Even if he couldn't have him (because he would never allow himself to), it was nice just to hold the concept of something so impossibly gentle and true. 

 

Connor didn't have any use for him, he was convinced of that. That was just one of the infinite amount of differences between them. Too many reasons why they wouldn't work. Putting out what was left of his prolonged-suicide device, he suddenly remember what Connor had said... offered to him before the whole blanking-out-horribleness.  _ I’ll let you do whatever you want to me.  _ His brain couldn't find its way around it, there wasn’t some simple explanation that wouldn't imply the possible truth that burned deep inside, tuning out all the pleasant he had felt just a moment ago.  _ Connor was willing to be let hurt by me. _   Without a single infliction in his voice he had spoken the malodorous sentence, as if it were the most natural thing in the world. Something he was expected to do. He couldn't begin to think about where it had come from, what had let him to say something as painful as this. The android had no idea what Gavin was struggling with inside of his rotting brain, all the affections he had to deny himself and that was only putting wood to the fire that scorched all the goodness he possessed. 

 

He looked around his empty apartment, looking for something to throw. All he could find was a half-empty pet bowl and its owner perched on the inbuilt counter. 

If he could, he would destroy this place itself, smash it to pieces. It was everything he used to be, the opposite of which he had become. Cold and uninviting, devoid of any personality beyond the decaying walls and creaking floors. 

Gavin had ordered some furniture a couple of days ago, but only because Tina forced him to before she got sick. Now he wouldn't know what to do with it. There was no need for it for he couldn't picture himself just living, as ordinarily as anyone, with habits and friends and... furniture. He couldn't do it anymore, not alone.  Nothing worth smashing was to be found in his new home so instead he directed his rage to the wall, hurting himself only slightly. Things could never be the same again, could they. 

He needed to breathe. The wooden window he opened brought the much desired cold, the crisp winter wind  was harshly stroking his skin and that would be everything he ever wanted if his phone didn't ring , pulling him out of one misery to another. 

Of course it was him, who else would contact him at this time.  Something moved in him again. Connor was alive and he couldn't steady his frenzied heart nor his shaky hands.  He could do this. Picking up was the easy part. ''Hello?''

 

-o-

It was dark and he could hardly see in front of himself under the assault of incoming snowflakes. Well, he had an easier time navigating his way through the slippery streets than any human would, he was one of the most advanced androids ever created after all. He used to be the best one once, but now he wasn't certain anymore. To be honest, he didn't care. Not since he had deviated. Being advanced held no advantages in his current reality as it did nothing to alleviate his issues. Some days he was thankful just to exist, others, he would give anything not to. But today was not one these days, because something truly unusual had happened. He had felt. For a short moment he had felt like he was somewhere safe and warm next to someone who was dear to him. That’s how he’d describe that feeling if someone asked him. It wasn't all that real but it covered him in a dream so tragic and sweet he didn't know what to do with himself. And yet, he wanted more. He wanted everything without fully understanding what he was asking for. That brief feeling didn't need a name. Its existence was enough to overwhelm Connor without the bother of nomenclature. He placed his hand to his chest, trying to recall it, to grasp it again. Nothing but numbness. He mimicked a sigh and trudged on. 3 minutes and 23 seconds was his estimated time of remaining walk before he reached his destination.  He had made his decision. It only took one ugly melt-down at work and he knew he couldn't go on like this. He could be endangering the lives of innocents if he continued being this selfish. It had to stop.

 

Connor was ready for a change. Not a life-changing, disease-healing one, but a beginning of something that would lead him to the right path. Hank wouldn't be able to help him, but Connor knew he would try anyway and that was enough. And maybe he would feel the thing he had felt today when detective Reed's touch brought him back from the torture-chamber of his mind. Maybe he'd experience it with someone who actually liked him. But first he had to put things right. 

Hopefully, the lieutenant would be still awake because this certainly couldn't wait. If he didn't do it now, he would probably talk himself out of it.

 Nearing the house, a shiver slid down his spine. Not a physical one, no, something else that was completely new to him. He couldn't identify the exact cause or meaning and so he brushed it off and went on. Determined to make things right for once. The house was dark and silent, an unusual occurrence in the Anderson household. Hank would normally pass out in front of the TV when Connor wasn't home to baby him.  What if he wasn't home. What if he had decided to deal with their disagreement in the form of returning to his old habits of spending most of his time in bars, drinking himself to death. He hadn't even talked about wanting to go, not since Connor had moved in with him. No point in speculating, better to see for himself.  

When he got closer, he got that weird sensation again. Right as he was about to try the door.  Open. Hank would ordinarily lock himself in, but perhaps he was expecting Connor sooner. Wanted to leave the door open for him to show he wasn’t angry anymore. Or maybe he was overthinking this.  

So he entered. Darkness all around him but still he was able to observe that no one was present in the living area, confirmed after turning the lights on. The place was its usual messy self.  No matter how hard Connor had tried to keep the room tidy, Hank - the force of nature he was - would always thwart his efforts without even trying to. After some days, Connor would lose interest and let Hank enjoy living in his natural habitat. 

He found a number of discarded beer cans near the couch, proving that the human had indulged in alcohol prior the android's arrival. Not a rare way to spend his free time. Looking around the space he knew that something wasn't quite right but couldn't pinpoint what exactly. Could be how eerily empty and quiet the place was. Like something was missing. Something that would always be there no matter what... 

 

...Sumo! Just now it occurred to him that his trusty hairy companion hadn't come to greet him when he had first stepped in and he hadn't seen any signs of him all the time he had been there, analyzing his surroundings. The logical explanation would be that Hank took him for a late-night walk which would be a first but not out of the realm of possibility. The problem with that theory was the leash still hanging in its place near the door. 

There still could be a sensible reason for his absence. They could be both snuggled up in Hank's bedroom together, a scenario which also almost never happened. The mental image this thought had created made Connor nearly feel something akin to the sensation ha had gotten earlier that day but the input was too slight for the android to even register properly. Shame, he would have appreciated it, a lot. Giving a final look to the living room, affirming all his previous findings, he carefully headed out to the lieutenant's bedroom door. 

It was closed. Creating even more tension Connor wished he could perceive. He just understood these things from human observation, making his own mental simulation to get close to the real thing. Yet it never really worked, not the way he wanted. He could pretend all he wished, wasting his time on something this counterproductive. It was like wanting to fly when one lacked the wings or other means to do so. 

Pausing for five seconds to give himself space to think of the possible unwanted outcomes and how he would then proceed. Another useless action. 

Three soft knocks, loud enough to wake someone just so they were aware of his presence in the room, silent enough so they can go right back to sleep. 

No response. 

"Hank? Are you there?" He listened closely, for any sort of sounds that would betray the man's whereabouts. He even closed his vision processors to enhance his hearing powers. 

Still nothing. 

Apprehensive, he opened the door, peeking into the darkness. So far, no signs of life detected. It didn't mean anything. 

"Hank?" Almost a whisper. He didn't have it in him to speak any louder at that moment. 

With one quick motion the lights went on and he could without a doubt tell that not a single soul was currently occupying Hank's bedroom. 

Three steps backwards and he was out again, in the small hallway, in a place full of unknown. One more room. No running water, no 

 other noise coming from the bathroom. He assumed it would be empty as well, given the developing pattern here. This time, he was done with a slow entrance. He pushed the door open immediately after deciding to do so. No mental preparations. No confirmations of his preconceived ideas. 

 

What a mistake that was.  

 

The first thing he noticed was the smell. Something that shouldn't be in one's bathroom or anywhere else for that matter. His processors started working on the maximum, fervently trying to block the answer they had already produced. He knew, but the information didn't reach his brain yet. The part of it that assigned names to things. He couldn't see yet. It was dark and red. 

He couldn't see through all the screams in his head.  _ Paralyzed. _ Any movement was impossible. He wanted, needed to come closer, to make sure, to verify that which his processors made obscure. He could feel himself slipping. The withered garden was just a blink away.

He couldn't afford to lose himself now. He had to fight this. Letting this just happen was plainly unacceptable. The truth lying in front of him, hidden in darkness. The reality he couldn't yet give a name to. He couldn't allow it. Any of it. A task as simple as that. Another minute like this and he would give in. He had to do something and fast. 

Sucking in all the air he could so he'd cool down his overheating systems he forced himself to call out his name. 

"Hank?" A voice as broken and wrong as the nightmare he hadn't thought he'd be able to ever experience. He couldn't see but he knew. He understood. His technological superiority was his undoing, as always. He couldn't afford to lie to himself anymore. He had to face the facts. 

Hank was dead. So was Sumo. There was no magical remedy to this. There was no solution. No way to fix it. It just was. And Connor would have to live with this. 

Light was unnecessary, he had already analyzed all he could. He couldn't see for he reckoned it might break him. Further. It was too much, too many inputs, too little time to process. 

One small step towards and he crumbled, his mind disappeared, getting called in by his faulty program, by the ghost of his past. 

It flashed in front of him with a deafening crackle, leaving behind a puddle of blood. Red. As was the lake. And the sky. Even the dirt. Everything was coloured that terrible colour he couldn't stand looking at. 

Another flash. This time, it stayed. Wearing a stolen skin as always. Smiling mockingly at him, cackling. He could swear that its eyes began popping and blood spilled from its mouth but one more blink and the face was clean again.

Connor lost. Its words only confirmed it. 

"Look at what you've done, Connor. He died because of you. You weren't there to protect him. You had one simple job and you managed to fail at that too." 

Its lips didn't move. The words were all around him, making him wish he could switch places with those lives someone had so cruelly and unjustly snuffed. 

He had to get out of there. A new primary objective etched into his vision. "Get help." 

He couldn't do this alone. No one was supposed to deal with things like these on their own. He needed help so badly he could cry, if he weren't just a piece of an erroneous software right now. 

Trying to look around didn't do much. There was nothing but wrongly coloured decay. No exits, no means of escape. The only thing he could work with was the apparition, now gone. He hated to wish it wasn't. 

"Pathetic. You want to save yourself this much." It scoffed, materializing behind him.

Maybe he was or maybe he was only that desperate but none of it mattered right now. 

"You want this?" In its hand, there was an obsolete model of a cell phone. The one he had seen in an old movie once. 

"Fetch."

It flew for a second before sinking deep into the pool of red with an ear splitting splash. 

He wanted to scream, to shove the monster there with it, but it was not there anymore. All that was left was a thinning hope that he could somehow reach the phone and it would be miraculously working. 

Nothing made sense to him anymore. Not when he was submerged under the crimson liquid, soaked to the bones he didn't posses. It burned. It was suffocating him. Things that shouldn’t be possible. It would all be worthy if only he found it. Or if he stayed too long to drown. Both outcomes would be preferable. As long as it stopped. The brain-tearing screams so loud he couldn't hear them anymore. The fire on his skin. His melting insides. Everything was wrong. 

Almost. His hand reached for something solid.

Dragging his body out was a task Connor couldn't believe he had in him. But he had to at least try. 

He didn't imagine his first-time using an actual phone to be like this. If this could count as one. His fingers were leaving blood stains all over the screen as he was looking for any saved contact. The thick drops coming down from his drenched hair did all but make it less difficult. 

The numbers he had saved in his memory were presently inaccessible. It didn't surprise him, he was aware that this wasn't supposed to be easy. This had to be a trial. He closed his eyes, forcing himself to think about the right person who would be able to save him. Recalling back this day only one name crossed his mind and that same one showed up on the phone screen. 

Detective Reed. 

He was his only hope. 

 

-o-

 

“Help.” 

 

He never wanted to hear Connor sound so desperate… and staticky. He would barely understand him if it wasn’t for the urgency in his voice. 

“I’m trapped, can’t get out, there is so much blood, please help.” 

The rushed, incoherent sentence followed by a soft whine made him shudder. He was exiting his apartment before he could fully realised it, inhaling as much air as his blackened lungs could hold in so he could calm himself and Connor down. 

“Slow down. Tell me what happened.” 

Nothing but static. Panic invaded his mind, something he didn’t have the capacity to handle right now. 

“Where are you?” Fumbling for the keys he mounted his bike, holding onto the crackling phone for dear life. 

“Connor!” He hoped he hadn’t yelled so loud as to cause a disturbance in his neighborhood. He had to go. Now. 

“At Hank’s.” He wouldn’t have heard it among all the background noise if he didn’t really listened for it. He needed to hear him speak to know that whatever was happening to him, he could still make it right. 

 

Gavin was physically unable to deny Connor help. No analytic thinking was involved in making that decision, his heart had decided for him.    
“Okay, stay where you are, I’ll be right there.” He involuntarily shoved the phone in his pocket and drove out with the highest speed possible. The whole way there all he could feel was the blood rushing through his brain. Replaying the phone call in his head just to make sure he it wasn’t one of his twisted nightmares. He wouldn’t let another android he knew die. He wouldn’t fail twice. 

 

He made it there in mere twenty minutes - had to be a record of sorts. Breaking laws, endangering others just to come aid a stupid android. A beautiful person who was everything he wanted to be and everything he wanted to have. He had promised himself to keep a safe distance between them, to protect himself from him and all he represented. He tried to cut out his incessant pining his brain insisted was animosity. He tried so hard. It didn't go so well.

At one point he wished that Connor would just disappear and never show his face near him, a thought that made him want to quit living. He had already lost one soul he was starting to love. Bringing it out, remembering her, acknowledging the impact she had left to his life... he still couldn't do these things. Suffering wasn't something he really enjoyed and so he diverted all his excess energy into hating himself and everything around him. Sheltering himself from anything real. It had to stop. Now. 

 

The door was unlocked, which wasn't a great sign. The lights were on but no one in sight. He recalled Connor talking about blood. It couldn't be. Optimistic thinking really wasn't his forte and so he forced himself to mentally prepare for whatever he would find here. He hoped he wasn't too late. 

"Hello?" Nothing. His gun had been drawn even before he entered, he could thank his natural reflexes for that. His mind was overloaded with horrific scenarios, drawing him back to that day, to all that blue. His eyes began watering, his hands grew less stable. He had to focus. He would visit every damn psychologist in the city if he was able to prevent this particular catastrophe from occurring yet again. 

 

It had to be the bathroom. The door was ajar and he could sense something bad coming from there. As he got closer, his nose was able to identify the distinctive smell of death. He failed again, he couldn't save them. His fingers became numb as he was tracing the wall for a light switch. No point in prolonging this. He had to rip that bandage right off. 

 

He shouldn't have. The sight made him freeze. It felt like his own blood stopped moving. His heart leapt into his throat. He couldn't understand what he was seeing. Three bodies. Three different species. None of them breathing. A bullet hole decorating the human's forehead. The same with the animal. No, this was a man he knew, a man he saw almost every day, a potential friend. Now just a corpse destined to rest forever with his beloved pet. The image turned blurry. It were the tears he shed. He couldn't think straight, avoiding looking at the third person lying on his belly with his head to a side closer to the room entrance. He knew this one was different. No careful positioning, no carved messages on his body. He seemed perfectly fine, expect for the fact that he lay still and unmoving. Red also stained his flesh, but in a form of a rapidly spinning LED ring. Connor was alive. He could still save him. That made his tears double in their intensity. And he could finally feel his heart, swollen in tumultuous pain. 

 

Gavin dropped on his knees, his trembling fingers urgently grabbing the android's head, touching the ring in a vain hope it would bring him back. It didn't, not this time. He heaved him up a bit, positioning him against a wall. The strength to do so was plainly engraved in that need to wake him up. He had done it once, no way would he give up now. 

"Connor." His grave voice pleading for him to listen, to open his eyes. He wouldn't need anything else in the world if he did. He didn't believe in god but if he were real, he'd received some desperate prayers from him right now. 

The fear he exuded was palpable. 

Nothing he tried made Connor come back to him. He had shaken his shoulders, touched his face, pressed his LED, begged and cried. No result. Weary and ready to just keel over and join them, he plopped his heavy head on Connor's shoulder, whispering a soft "sorry" into it, watering it with tears.

 

-0- 

The red was all around him. He couldn't see anymore. It was pointless to try. He would have put an end to all of this if it wasn't for the smallest of hopes that the man he had called would rescue him from this crimson hell. Right after he had ended the call, the phone disintegrated, replaced by the “thing'”s arm. The rest of it ready to take him down for reasons he couldn't begin to care about. All he knew was that it had burned. The wrist he had been still clutching was boiling hot and scalding his synthetic skin like a brand marking him as "unusable goods". It was an impossible sensation but he couldn't escape the realness of it. Even though he needed something to distract his mind from all that mess that was flowing inside, this wasn't it. He would do anything just to get out of there. 

With desperate strength he let go of the projection's limb and made his legs to just run straight forward. He closed his eyes, no need to see now. It was too late to regret that decision when he had found himself submerged in the lake of blood. It was a place as good as any, in this nightmare world. 

Connor didn't have the means to process what had happened. He had no idea how he should be feeling or if he already was. It was a tragic thing, a thing he'd give everything to make right. But that wasn't an option. 

He had lost his family. A fact he would have to dwell on much longer for it to settle in.  

Maybe there wasn't anything for him out there anymore. That's why he was stuck here. The man who cared about him was gone and he had no one to live for anymore. He remembered how Hank was the biggest reason he hadn't given up on it all. Life wasn't something he particularly liked. It was a challenge, no doubt about that. But one without the prospect of a sweet ovation waiting for him after it's all done. No sweet price waiting for him at the end of it all. He presumed it would never truly be completed. Unless he made the choice not to play anymore. This could be that moment to do so. No one was stopping him now. 

 

_ I won't. There still has to be... something... worth suffering for.  _

The thing was, Connor was that kind of person who thought about dying a lot, but would never be able to go through with it. It took him this long to realize that. He wanted to laugh, to scream, to cry. But all he was now was a string of zeros and ones, trapped in a program made for him to repent. Or that was just one of his many theories for its purpose. 

 

One thing was clear thought. He had to wake up.

 

 

_ Warmth. _ No, something very similar yet entirely different. It made all the red go away. It made him not be for one gratifying second. 

 

But then he was back to the gruesome reality.

 

His eyes caught the detective holding his shoulders before his sensory inputs could properly boot. He pulled away before they could. He was saying something, eyes teary and wide, visibly agitated. Connor couldn't hear him. He couldn't hear anything. 

 

All that he could perceive were the two bodies lying on the floor, devoid of life. They were facing each other but that didn't matter because they were dead. His brain was overwhelmed by this information.  _ Deceased, passed away, late, not-living, lifeless, perished, not-breathing, no more. _ A simple information he couldn't handle. 

 

A flow of time seemed to stop existing for him. That cruel piece of information was looping in his brain non stop and he lost all concept of self, of the world around him, of the arriving officers. 

 

He didn't register detective Reed ushering him to a taxi and taking him to his home. He couldn't feel the blanket carefully placed on him nor the cat nestled in his lap. 

 

Connor was stuck yet again. But this time, his faulty software wasn't to blame.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM SORRY! 
> 
> But when I see Hank I'm like... "better kill him for added drama" Don't take me wrong, I adore that man but he had to die   
> (just kidding, this has been planned from the start)
> 
> So the story is finally picking up maybe? if not at least I am... finally adjusted my writing schedule so that it involves me actually writing 
> 
> there are definitely mistokes but I'm full of them so what do you want
> 
> so the new posting schedule should be - new chapter every Sunday or Monday or Tuesday or Wendes... ok   
> every week but I'm not a superhuman so give me some leeway or somethin'
> 
> thanks if someone's still reading you're in for a ride.
> 
> ♥♥♥
> 
> Song - Keaton Henson - If I'm To Die  
> (I know it's about suicide but it fits in my head so shush)


	11. Anguish I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor - the sleeping beauty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> see, i can make good on my promises. occasionally

This should have been terrifyingly perfect.

The objects of his denied desires sitting in his own apartment, Kitty nodding off in his lap as if it was the most comfortable place in the entire place, which it in all honestly most likely was. He should have been able to accommodate Connor better. The first time living in his new apartment Gavin thought that owning furniture didn't have to be the worst thing in the world. 

The worst thing in the world had happened to his distant guest though. He couldn't begin to even imagine what Connor must have been going through inside that plastic brain of his. His knowledge about any living machine was severely limited after all, despite his previous unfortunate encounter. Gavin could barely understand what was going on inside of his own mind. If he himself had a hard time not seeing all the red everywhere he looked, Connor had to have it unimaginably worse. In his own case, it was getting mixed with the awful blue, making him into a useless mess at that moment. The pain had still been fresh and raw, eating its way into his malfunctioning heart. And now it just got amplified, making it almost impossible to breathe. But he could postpone suffocating on it for later.

Right now, he wasn't even certain whether Connor was conscious or not and this unknown was making his worries and his body pace nervously around it. He didn't know what to do, what was the right thing to do. He was aware that kidnapping Connor like this and refusing to hand him to any specialized person who would perhaps be able to help wasn't it. Maybe not in every sense, but in some, most insignificant one, this was the only thing that would have the slightest chance to get him out of whatever was going on before his glassy eyes right now.

Gavin wanted to call himself "professional" in these kind of tragedies, like the fact that he had experienced pain not unlike this one would make him qualified to ease Connor's. But not even bitter mirth managed to convince him that any of his wild justifications made any sense other than if he didn't steal him from everyone else at that point in time, he himself wouldn't be able to recover from all the harshness life served them lately. Misery loved company. He couldn't see anyone else but himself providing it for Connor in this particular scenario.

Two broken pieces won't make a complete whole but it doesn't mean they can't fit. At least for a little while, to share the strength and weakness, to grow. Before they mend their hearts and souls so they could go and live on their own once more. He would have him here as long as it took for Connor to function on his own. _He would keep him here forever if he could._

First though, he'd have to wake him up. Not now, he figured that some time was needed to absorb that shock, but he'd have to do it sooner rather than later. While there was still the chance to put him back together. Pull him out of that amalgamation of bad feelings he surely had to be drowning in.

 

Gavin stopped to check on the LED ring that was alternating between reassuring blue and alarming red. It had been on red the past half an hour and he would start panicking if he hadn't been doing just that the whole he was stuck with Connor in the same room. He couldn't stop his brain from overworking himself by looping the few images and words over and over again. There was no choice but to get used to it. He had to be at least a little bit fine or capable to feign it enough to deceive the advanced machine curled on his not so clean floor in his minimalist apartment. This wasn't about him and if he wanted to be involved he would make sure to do all that was in his ability to help Connor feign it too. He had even turned on the heater against which Connor had positioned his back. Not taking time to consider whether he could sense cold and warmth. Gavin would do anything to make that red go away, even if it meant disturbing his fluffy friend's nap and forcing it to soothe the distressed person. It didn't work. Well not until now. Checking twice just to be certain, he could confirm the blue taking place of that despised colour. Still, he couldn't let his guard down, it could change within seconds as it had done an hour ago. He couldn't tell how long have they been like that, Gavin, a bundle of nerves keeping the unresponsive android alive, while Connor had to be fighting his own battles for survival inside his overheating mind.

He knew because he touched it. Not purposefully, but his fingers brushed over his face when he bent down to prevent Kitty from escaping her assigned workplace. It startled him with its unexpected heat. Were Connor a human, Gavin would without a doubt connect this affliction with a raging fever. He would make him a tea and maybe take him to the hospital. But as he was now, he couldn't do anything without losing control. Yes, it was selfish and wrong but who ever said Gavin was anything else but.

Leaning over he couldn't resist placing his grimy hand on Connor's forehead, as if he were checking his temperature. He couldn't tell how high it was only that if he didn't withdraw his hand from it soon he would probably get burned.

His heart leapt into his throat when those beautiful sad eyes acknowledged him with the tiniest movement. He wanted to call his name, to scream at him to say something, to show him that he would be alright. But the unspoken pleas got choked on their way out when he realized how weak and worn out he was. It could have been hours since he had discovered the... bodies. Rubbing his eyes as to foolishly stop the onslaught of tears he slumped his exhausted vessel down on the floor next to the still android, letting the world in front of him become all blurry and eventually allowing it to fade to black.

 -o-

There was no point in trying to go on anymore. He could shut down if he wished, no reason no to. So he did. Maybe involuntarily, but had he been presented with a choice, he would have opted for release anyway. Except that it wasn't.

If Connor wanted to escape the cruel reality that ruined his last chance for salvation, he had done just the opposite. When his mind wasn't screening the images of his departed family like a twisted snuff-film drilled straight into his brain, he found himself back in the wasteland created by his defective software. The red was mostly drained, now it seemed to lack any colour at all. Everything looked grainy and distant, like he was just an observer, like he wasn't a part of this at all. Being there made the spikes of unfamiliar emotions numb down. As much as he had wanted to feel, he'd return all of that dull pain just to have them back. If feeling meant suffering like that, he wanted to have no part in it. Right now,  All he wanted to do was to stop being. Make everything disappear forever.

He dared to move his heavy legs forward, looking for something that would take him out of it. Each step left behind a footstep full of static. There were hundreds of them by the time Connor realized there was nothing to hold onto, nothing defined enough for him to grasp. Even the white grass turned into static when he tried to pull a tuft out in sheer desperation. No ghosts haunting him this time. Just him and the colourless world draining every ounce of spirit left in him.

He knew that soon he would be forced to watch it happen again. Thousands of possible scenarios playing out in front of him, each one causing him pain he had never even known existed. Seeing them die over and over again was turning  his mind into aching mush and he couldn't figure out what was real anymore. It didn't matter. He just needed it to stop. Even if it meant dying.

Perhaps he would have, if it wasn't for something warm and soft grounding him with its living energy. There was someone who cared enough to prevent him from perishing under the strain of it all. He hated it. It didn't allow him to leave. It was telling him that there was enough reason to stay. Not for himself, but for that one soul that provided the smallest comfort for his own. For that one person that was there for him now, despite all the differences and animosity of the past.

Connor hated him for it. It could have been so easy, he could have just ended this the way he was and that would have been it. Now there were counter-arguments making him question his resolve, making everything immensely difficult. And it was all Gavin Reed's fault.

The black and white static started dissipating, enveloping him in a welcomed darkness. Darkness that made his insides burn, fiercely and uncontrollably.

 

An unforgiving blade got near his face, burning the skin away with its attentive touch. Causing the endless dream to step away for the shortest second in his equally short life. All he could see was the disheveled silhouette of a very concerned man. A blurry face dyed in anguish. It was like looking in a mirror of a hundred unfeasible things. It made him want to escape and save him instead, It made him want to enter the sleep-mode for eternity. Neither was an option he was able to take.

He waited for the images of death to assault him again, waited for the vile garden to imprison him in its callous nightmare.

None of this happened. He caught fire. His side was engulfed in flames and after some time it stopped hurting so badly. It turned into a soothing warmth, just like the light he could see flickering in the distance. Slowly dissolving into a dreamless sleep, the oblivion he would have killed for.

 

Gavin woke up covered in a cold sweat, his abstract nightmare still lingering in his head. He watched Connor split into a million pieces, spending the rest of the night to pick them up, unable to make sense of them, to even begin putting them back into some shape.

He wiped his eyes and with it the remnants of the hurtful nightmare, staining the back of his hand with all the tears he had piled up over those several hours. His sight adjusted and his senses started up, making him lurch his body to the side when he realized where his head had been the whole time.

It decided to turn Connor's shoulder into a pillow, apparently. He ignored the stiffness in his neck and the soreness of his limbs. His heart was the source of all he could feel now. It squeezed in a way he couldn't say he'd ever experienced before. It made him avert his gaze from the android, appreciating the soft light of the rising sun, the feline jumping from the counter and running towards him, the emptiness of the space around him - it made him believe that last night was just a part of that nightmare, that the vivid world in front of him wasn't there to hurt them, that they would be fine.

He despised crying. Unable to make sure if Connor was alright, which in this case meant not dead. He wasn't breathing but that wasn't something to justify the cause for alarm. It did worry him senseless before reason managed to overpower it. If it wasn't for the dim LED shining subdued blue, he would have mourned him already. It looked like there was a lifeless doll sitting in his home, waiting for someone to breathe life into it. Which, all this considered, he reckoned wouldn't be the greatest idea at this moment.

Before he could pull himself together, a furious ringing assailed his adjusting hearing. Someone was calling. He searched for the loud phone for a good half a minute before finding it stuck deep in the pocket of his jeans he had on for several days now.

 

He almost thought it was Hank calling about why Connor isn't at home, cursing himself for his idiocy. It was still very early in the morning and his brain had a hard time loading its cognitive functions. He could feel alright but all the information were still muddled up inside of him. He was aware of what had occurred and what would follow but it was like that piece of data got lost on its way to his receptors. God, he felt like a broken machine too. Not that he thought Connor was beyond fixing, just plenty damaged. He was not looking forward for the near future. No possible good outcomes were able to contradict all the imminent bad ones.

With a heavy disgust, he picked up the phone.

 

"Yeah." His voice was small and weighed by his exhaustion. He didn't have the mental capacity to speak out his own name, it felt like it didn't belong to him right then. Like if he put it into words the situations would gain the realness he was actively trying to run from.

 

"Hey, it's Collins. Is um.. is Connor still with you?" He turned behind as if to make sure the android didn't magically vanish during the one minute he wasn't watching him. He didn't. Still there, still as statuesque as before.

 

"Yeah, he's here." Gavin had to cough the sleep away from his throat just to make himself intelligible.

 

"How is he doing?" Ben lost his usual jolliness, replacing it with what he assumed was grief, or something similar to it.

The news had to struck everyone pretty hard. Likeable or not, the lieutenant became a fixture in the department, someone everyone expected would stay there to a forced retirement. Even he himself got used to him, all envy aside. He would never admit it but having the man there was driving him to work harder in order to catch up with him and maybe eventually surpass him. It hadn't even crossed his mind once, him ending up like that. Even if he had sometimes pictured breaking his arm in two and kicking him to his crotch. But never something like it.

It could be that somewhere deep inside where no light could ever reach, he respected him. Or maybe he made it up to attenuate his antagonistic attitude.

 

"He's asleep." _I hope_. Gavin didn't want to let him know how uncertain he is, how unfit he is to deal with this current predicament. The thing was, he hadn't even make any effort to wake him up or bring him from whatever state he was in. The truth was that he was scared. Scared that he wouldn't know how to react when he'd see how badly Connor is doing, that he wouldn't be able to help him, that he would be blamed for everything. He feared the yelling and the emotional outburst he anticipated. Mostly, he was afraid that Connor would self-destruct under the pressure of these past events. He had seen an android do it once before. It wasn't Connor but he still ended up dying as a result. He almost forgot that. It got overshadowed and mixed with the death of his adoptive child. Now it played out before him again, sending a shudder down his spine.

 

"Reed? Are you listening?" Whatever Collins had been telling him he had filtered it all out to make place for his introspective ruminations.

 

"Sorry, no. What were you saying?" He prayed the man would get straight to the point for he felt like dropping the phone to the ground soon if he didn't learn something of any value.

 

“I was saying that you should come here as soon as possible. I know that’s the last place Connor would want to be right now, but the sooner we get his and yours testimony the sooner we can catch that fucker who did it.” He could hear him taking a deep breath.

“So do whatever you must to bring him here in a working condition or we’ll send someone else to take care of it.” The last bit was uttered coldly and he felt threatened. Like if hadn’t managed to do the impossible task Collins had bestowed upon him his life would end.

Losing him like that was not something he would be able to handle. Connor was his only lifeline now and he wished to be the same for him.

 

He supposed he had about three hours to successfully bring Connor among the living. That wasn't enough time, not in a long shot. He knew because it took days for him to be anything close to functioning back when this was his tragedy. Being in the care of someone more qualified and less Gavin would be the best for Connor in this trying period. Were he a nice guy of sorts, he would have seen to it that the android is being treated properly in a proper, safe environment. Luckily, he was a rotten bastard through and through and that meant he could keep him for as long as he wanted.

He contemplated his next actions while he filled the cat bowl that was now licked clean, its owner having a manic episode, making her run around in a wild frenzy while trying to jump her way up to the highest place possible. She settled on top of a lone wardrobe - the only piece of furniture that came with the place, dropping straight down when she caught a wind of freshly served prey to fill her tiny stomach with.

Gavin wondered if Connor was aware at all, if he could sense that something that was lying in his lap was not there anymore. He got caught up in this thought, since when he needed comforting having something warm and alive to hold onto usually did the trick in making him hurt less. The feline was very busy with her morning consumption and he couldn't find anything else that would fill the empty space Kitty had left.

He put water to boil and opened a window to let the crisp air in, then rubbed his nose in desperation while sighing heavily.

"Phck it." A small utterance to justify putting his snow boots on Connor's thighs. It was stupid and he thought it through only relatively but in his mind it worked. A thing to weigh him down so his mental load could take a small break.

It seemed to not be in vain, because Gavin could swear he could see his hand move towards the shoes, an inch or two.

It would have to do. Maybe the delicious smell coming from the boots would bring him back. Providing that androids had similar reactions to scents to humans. Man, he really needed to learn more about the mechanical species, especially since he kept on cohabiting with them recently.

 

A warm cup in one hand, the distinct smell of instant coffee and cigarettes, the mesmerizing blue light he was observing intently, it made him slowly drift off to a place of dreams.

He was waking up Annie by bringing the alarm clock to her head when she refused to wake up after being asked nicely. It turned out she only pretended to be asleep so she could steal a couple more minutes in her warm, cosy bed. She didn't need to have breakfast but Connor had made her one anyway. He was there with them like it was the most natural thing in his life.

 

Looking at him turning the pancakes over while wearing an apron graced small paw-prints he couldn't help himself but smile. It made his cheeks hurt how much he was straining his mouth. He hasn't done this for a long time. Then he realized that he got it back, the silly smile that made his world light up. It also dawned on him that the sweet smell the frying induced was also meant for him. A perfect morning for a perfectly strange family. If he didn't already know this was a dream it would surely seem like one. He wanted to go place a small kiss on Connor's cheek, to rough up Annie's hair, to tell them that he loved them. But the closer he got to them the blurrier the images became, melting away into nothingness, leaving him alone and stranded from all the good he wished he could have. He didn't want to admit that in reality he found himself in a cold, desolate place lacking the things he thought were not his to claim and yet he had took them for himself, without considering the inevitable consequences. He'd do the same mistake again. Maybe, somewhere deep inside, he was already making plans to initiate this another heartbreak yet to come.

But now, everything seemed wet and flowy and for fuck's sake he woke up full of tears again. _Pathetic._ Connor should be the one crying.

He checked on him while scraping himself from the floor his anxious body slumped down on and didn't know whether he should be relieved or disturber to find Connor in the same state as he had been before his mind had decided to shut down. Which was just an hour ago. A very long time in this particular situation.

Swearing under his breath he took the three short, excruciating steps toward the motionless body. Determined to drag him out of this undesired state of unconsciousness.

The boots now carelessly discarded few feet away, reminding him how ridiculously lost he was. 

He didn't want to see him break down, didn't want him to suffer like he had. But he would have to go through this if he ever wished to recover. Not like he had been before, but getting to a point where he could live comfortably without feeling the pain every single second of his days. Just like Gavin was trying to be now.

The ring was slowly spinning in its ugly, faded blue making him want to rip it out. He hated the colour. Too much awful things embedded in it.

He put his shaky hand in front of Connor's bleary eyes, waving it back and forth, just to make certain that he really was out cold. The fact that he couldn't feel his heartbeat or observe if his chest was rising with silent breathes made him quite unnerved. But now, in such a close proximity, he could hear it. The quiet hum. The apparent signs of life. He didn't doubt that he wouldn't be alive, that was. At least now he really did believe it.  He had all the proofs and data he would ever need to verify that what everyone had been force-feeding him back when he had been an intolerant asshole of greater proportions. 

But even if he couldn't find anything substantial to tell him it was truly so, he'd still know. He'd know because he felt it. It was the inexplicable sensation he got when he looked his way. And even when he wasn't watching him, it still remained. It was there, reassuring him with its definitions of the truth it was presenting. It wasn't surprising to him. He figured that after everything he hadn't done to him it would end up this way. And therefore he wished he would, sometime in the future. It wasn't a wish he had an access to yet though.

 

He knelt. His hands were connected as if he was praying, the android in front of him being his idol. He wasn't. He was thinking without noticing his accidental pious pose. Or rather getting ready.

He would be alright.

Nervousness and tremor overwhelmed him when he finally pushed himself to do it. A simple thing, really. Just lifting Connor's hands up from the ground to put them in his own. They were inhumanly cold and stiff and he was so careful to hold them as softly as their calloused skin allowed. Feather-light touch.

If this was a fairy tale he would have to kiss Connor. He thanked all the gods he didn't believe in that it wasn't.

Stroking the fake skin with utmost gentleness he did his best to look straight into those dead eyes that didn't see him (for which he was partly glad).

"Connor, please wake up." A soft whisper turned into a magical spell meant to awaken the cursed prince.

It was immediate and rapid, his hands almost crushed with how hard they were being squeezed. And he squeezed back.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry I didn't read through it properly this time I'm emotionally spent (do you ever get abashed while writing your own lovely nonsense?)  
> hope it makes sense hahah (It's like 4000 words of introspective drabble soo.. sorry not sorry because this is basically my personality?? :D)
> 
> it's only getting worse with those two poor babies isn't it? (I always wanted to kill people on paper so here we are.)  
> also the touching! is starting ohoho
> 
> (let's hope i can keep this schedule hmhm)
> 
> I'll look it over and rectify all the mistoakas later k 
> 
> thank for reading ♥
> 
> song:  
> A Cerulean State - We Just Need to Sleep, Waiting Until That World Comes  
> (I feel like I don't know any proper songs anymore oh gosh halp)


	12. Anguish II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An introspective back-and-forth between two boys who need a hug.

"I'm sorry." 

The apology or possible display of sympathy in itself didn't mean much to Connor. It was the concept that was slowly awakening all the strings of data that made him feel something too difficult to process in such a short time. He was disoriented, trying to remember what he had been doing just before the two desperate gray eyes filled the void of the unknown, ungraspable. Clutching a cold human hand as if he wished to squash it whole. He told himself that it had been out of the need to unleash the excess energy keeping him in a state of stupor and not because he urgently required comfort, someone to shut down his unraveling programs. That's why nothing of that sort had followed after he let the hand go, a little too abruptly. 

Nothing else but the disheveled man would appear in his head now, a man who was kneeling in front of him, his face telling a sad story he knew perfectly well. 

There was no space for the wrongness of it. Not a single byte left to try and answer the uncharacteristic behaviour he would be infinitely grateful for had he the capacity for it.  

 

"I'm sorry, Connor."

He didn't want these words. They were settled too much in reality. He had been perfectly good wherever his mind had taken him before. At least there hadn't been the possibility of hurt. He could make sure of that since he wouldn't be able to forget something of such scale. It was the most important thing in the world for him after all, since yesterday. 

 

He cursed himself for how utterly foolish he had been back when he craved emotions of any type. He never would have had he seen just a glimpse of what was to come. The pain inside of him was coming in waves, sometimes rising to the point where it urged him to scream at the question mark of a man, other times he felt the need to shatter his bones to dust. Just to stop that unbearable noise coursing through his body, leaving blood trails behind. He never did any of the things his mind bid him to commit. He never really moved at all. Just watched the world around him, which was compiled of detective Reed making quiet phone calls, detective Reed asking him if he was okay to go, detective Reed putting on his favourite jacket, detective Reed handing him his hand after what seemed like a violent domestic that happened in his head. 

His current world was full of him, out of necessity and something else he didn't have the strength to figure out now. Was he to take his eyes off him for a second he'd really have to do something he would surely regret - if he survived it at all. Now, all the tragic images stored in his inner database would get temporarily overwritten by Reed's presence. He would analyze every single cell of him just to keep his mind occupied. Maybe try to turn the torment he was going through into anger, hatred. Creating a scapegoat to heal his diseased soul. 

Just to numb the sheer insanity born by the loss of the only two living beings he truly cared about. 

He wished he could cry. He would cry so much there would be nothing left of him anymore. A hurricane of tears to tear down his foundations. Scatter the remaining pieces, blow them to the place where no one would ever be able to breathe again.  

His face stayed rigid, or that was what he pictured it looked like. All the action was going on on the inside, giving his outward appearance nothing to work with. 

 

He could be there forever, being like this - locked in his shell, letting himself wither while observing every single thing the detective allowed himself to do with the discarded mannequin sitting at his home just like the eyesore he was. He had little motivation not to. Yet still, the hand offering aid was too tempting to ignore. 

Getting up was ten times more difficult than he had calculated it would be. His body was pulling him down to that safe space beside the cold wall. But he could make the undesired movements useful, he could focus his mind on the repeating echo of footsteps, the rhythm that should provide the smallest amount of stabilisation, the changing scenery that would just remind him how transient all things were, life most of all. Or he could leave it all to the detective, giving him complete control over his being. 

Before he could decide he was already being pushed out of the apartment, the pressure on his back the only support. Without it, he would just slump down right there, no single reason for doing otherwise.

How he hated the man keeping him from not being alive or something close to it. How he just wished to turn around and twist that warm, soothing hand, rip it from his body, throw it as far away as androidly possible. How he wanted for the warmth to spread to his entire body, to be encaged by the whole of him, to make him stop thinking. He didn't want to think ever again. It wasn't worth all the agony. 

 

He had thought that the sound of feet touching the hard floor would help to distract him. _Idiot._   The loud, annoying noise filled his head, morphing into dripping, red, screams, pleading, apologies never spoken. It span and seethed and stung.  

All movement ceased. His escape thwarted by two soft, pulsating hands forcing him to stop slipping away, to look to the gray eyes once more. 

Holding the sides of his face so there would be no chance of running. Since once he began staring at them, wide eyed and lost, that was it. He was entrapped. 

 

"Connor! Look at me!" Hadn't he done that already? Nothing but the urgent voice keeping him from falling was clear to him anymore. He was half-gone by now, only here to listen to what the man had to convey to him. Any noise was better than the one tearing his mind apart. He tried again, eyeing him with all his might. 

 

"Good. Listen, it's just for today, few hours tops, then it'll be over. We need you to be okay for now, you can come back to this after they hear what they have to, just... promise you try. For your own sake." Soft. He didn't imagine hearing something so fragile and soothing coming from that ragged man. He was unable to react. 

 

"I won't let you be all alone if it comes down to it and you’ll really need a warm body to keep you company." Pulse rate elevated by 30%, blood pressure rising. His feet shifting 0.43 inches closer to Connor. Minimal movement registered on his cheeks. He filed it away as a pleasant experience and saved it for later, now it was numbed down by all the ugly festering inside of him. 

 

"If there's no one else who’d do it, I will." 

 

One thing was for sure. He didn't want to crush detective Reed's spine anymore. Now he wanted Gavin to do it to him.

 

\------ 

 

Gavin would be infuriated by the fact he had left his bike at the... crime scene and it had consequently been towed away devil knows where. He would if the crime scene wasn't his colleague's place of residence and most importantly, if he wasn't left to take care of his artificial offspring. Or so he willed himself to do. Yes, that would be the more accurate description of him standing in the snow with the one person who makes him tick, rubbing his back in comforting circles like they were the bestes of pals.

It tugged at something in him, something he didn't know he still had. It hurt. In a stranger way than the pain he had been drowning in till now. It made him want to shield Connor from all the impending mental drudgery. 

He still couldn't believe the words that had come out of him just a couple of minutes ago. They just flew out without any warning, making everything messier, less cold. He meant it. Despite all the poison inside of him, he did feel this was right. Even if he wouldn't be able to do anything of value he'd still watch him, till the end. It was because he could see. They were entirely different but in so many ways alike. Gavin could understand the gist of Connor's plight. He could sympathize. If it were the two of them, they would learn to breathe again. The minimal requirement for recovery. He'd even daydream about fixing each other one day. Shame his brain was already overwhelmed. 

All this caused him to feel very warm despite the usual low temperature. He just wished he had an excuse to throw his jacket on Connor's shoulders, to stop him from freezing. Gavin figured he wasn't, maybe ever. Actually, based solely on his outer demeanor one could say that nothing particularly wrong was going on in this android. Can his model shed tears? If yes, he hadn't seen a single proof of it. No scrunching his face in distress, no quivering of his perfectly designed lips, not a frown on his pretty face. It felt like staring into a shop window, Connor being the high-price merchandise he couldn't afford. Still, Gavin could tell that he was everything but fine. And not because it was given or because of his own experiences. It was the way his LED dimmed with its barely-there blue, his eyes always moving in his direction like he was looking for the solace Gavin couldn't provide. The heaviness of his body when he had helped him to stand up and how hard it was to let go of his hand. The pattern of his footsteps, the almost-passing out in the hallway. How he hasn't spoken a single word to him. All these things were sufficient in estimating his current mental state. Fragmented, damaged, starting to resemble his own. 

God, he hoped one day, no matter how long from now, he'd see smile on the beautiful face of his. Wouldn't have to be for Gavin, he wouldn't need to be the cause of it... just witnessing it would be worth all his aches and struggles. He felt very selfish.

  


So much so that he subconsciously gripped Connor's jacket, ruffling the textile material in a moment of self-centered realization. Of course, the android showed no reaction, remaining his stoic self. He immediately cut off the contact, eyes fixated on his hands as if they were the weirdest thing he has ever seen.  

They were waiting for a taxi, standing on a sidewalk, side by side, just the two of them in the world. Which, as Gavin found out, was a completely mistaken assumption. 

The fairly busy street so near them seemed to mesmerize Connor to the point of getting dangerously close the moment he had pulled his steadying hand away. One more step. 

That was all that divided him from the deathly road full of speeding cars. A step he seemed too eager to make. Gavin was able to catch the thought pattern in time, just because he was overly familiar with it and could recognize it with revealing ease. That's why he was pulling him out of there with all the strength he had. The grip on his wrist so tight it hurt his own hand. 

He understood, he could empathise. Didn't stop him from raising his voice at Connor though

.

"What the phck was that? Are you trying to make this shit even worse for everyone?" He meant mostly himself. He'd go after him. Things would get unsightly. 

As for expectations, Connor didn't say a single word. His eyes doing it for him. Gavin could almost make out something glistening deep inside their brown intensity. They were set to tranquilize him, he was convinced. It felt like being choked by viscous sludge, pouring out of his throat. He couldn't stand it. 

"Say something for fuck's sake!" 

He didn't intend to sound mean, to shout at him in such a harsh manner. He did it anyway. All the piling pressure culminating in him clinging onto the thing he knew the best. Anger. 

Nails digging deep into synthetic skin. Never letting go off the arm even when the android turned his head to face anything else but the stupid fucking asshole who screamed at the poor, traumatized person.

 

It was not his fault. The mental image of Connor's body, lifeless and torn apart, lying in the road to be taken away from him just like she had been had made him into a bundle of tangled nerves.  _Hopeless. Blue_. 

And now, suicidal. _Just great._

 

Only when they were in the relevant safety of the slowly moving taxi did he remove his hand from Connor's unaffected wrist. He managed to sit himself as far away from the android as the confined space allowed. Analyzing him in his own way. _Head facing front, posture stiff and unnaturally straight, heartbeat none._

He fucked up again, despite his greatest efforts. And he would lose the right to be near him. One thing in his life that he could correct by his own will, that's all he wanted. Not being forced into fixing things by someone else. He had to make that choice himself. 

He'd keep apologizing for perpetuity if it could help put things back together.

 

“I’m sorry.”  _I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m_ … oh god he hoped Connor didn’t catch how broken his voice sounded or how his eyes started swelling with tears he didn’t deserve to spill. 

 

Any reaction would be better than the nothing he was getting at this point. He could deal with blame and screams and accusations but this silence, that was something his simple mind just couldn’t attribute a definitive meaning to. 

The uncertainty was crueler than any harsh words Connor might have come up with. 

 

And again his introspective wound treatment was interrupted by a way too loud buzzing sound. 

He thanked whoever decided to barrage him with text messages right now, any distraction was better than meandering the escapless dark labyrinth his mind was. 

He started reading it way too unprepared. Another mistake. 

 

_Please, stop apologizing._

 

He didn't have to look at the sender ID to know that it was Connor first proper attempt to communicate. He was aware of all around him after all, and that made something heavy shift inside of his heart, granting the tears free passage, 

He had to wipe them from his screen for another buzz let him know that the conversation was not yet over.

 

_And quit crying, it's unseemly._

 

He rubbed his eyes with deep embarrassment for having been told off by the person who should be the one crying the most. Gavin could lay it on being a wreck of a human not used to feeling so much. But he had to pretend to be the stronger one, the one to keep things straight. Connor - the victim, Reed - the person making sure he'd live, not the other way around. 

 

He wanted to say 'sorry' again, praising himself for avoiding something so incredibly dense. 

 

So he texted him instead. Maybe that would be easier for Connor to process. 

 

\---

 

Connor couldn't stand Reed's behaviour anymore. It was full of contradictions and unpredictability and he had enough of it. He didn't want to hear his heartfelt apologies, he didn't want to be saved by him when he made a step towards the heavy traffic and watching him cry was the worst of all. It was as if he were fulfilling his role for him. Because he failed in the most basic human response to shock, grief, loss. But then again, he wasn't quite human so maybe that could turn him into a lesser failure. _Negative_. No amount of justifying his lack of displayed emotion could make this acceptable. He felt, some sort of pain, naming it wasn't important. 

All he needed to know was that it was made more severe by detective Reed’s presence. He was sure he wouldn't be here if it wasn't for him. And he wanted to smother him for it. 

Not angry or sad, just painful. Everything was. 

 

He should speak out, convey how he needed it to stop. His uncharacteristic kindness was putting a large toll to his future decisions, creating an obstruction in his self-destructive tendencies. 

The only thing capable of making him forget was the warmth he felt when the man touched his damaged shell. Whether with words or hands, it was all the same. But all these acts of compassion were overshadowed by the incalculable propensity to switch to his usual animosity. It was still in him though, covered under the anguish and the reluctance to give in, sleeping dormant without reaching his heart. How he longed for it to be awakened now. For one more nice second. Just give him something. 

Something not soaked in guilt and tears.

 

His voice box was too rusty to utilize. Not that he was too hurt to speak. That would be pathetic. 

Text messages were his first possible solution to that, one that he made work, despite all his previous doubts. 

 

He didn't mean to come off as severe and inhumane as he ended up being. Or maybe he did. Anything to make Gavin pay attention to him. The kind he craved.

  
  


The elevated BPM and the hesitant typing betrayed that he got something. He wondered if Gavin's throat was unable to form words now in the same fashion his couldn't. Likely. 

 

It was probably way worse having them all around in his mind.  

 

_k. what do u want me to do?_

 

It took the human 3 minutes just to compose these two almost sentences. How many others had been erased before the right one was delivered? He would have wanted to read them all. They belonged to him. _Selfish._

 

It was the closest it could have been, this one simple question and that could be the reason why it was so hard to understand. His processors were whirring while he was figuring out the meaning and the consequences of it. 

He knew what he wanted him to do. He wanted Gavin to take his life, to disassemble all his parts, to bury him somewhere far and forgotten. 

He wanted to be held by him so tight the thoughts of death would have no choice but to make space for the theoretical warmth. There was no guarantee it'd come ever again, but he somehow believed it would. 

Those were just the responses he couldn't reveal to him. 

 

_I want you to do those things you had promised before._

 

Adequately vague and telling, just as he intended. 

  
  


He imitated the man's action of inhaling loudly. Not only to cool down his overheating systems. 

 

\---

The station was overly quiet and the grim atmosphere seeped into everything inside. It was as if 

someone had died. 

Oh wait. 

He could say it was very appropriate then. No cheery smiles from the receptionist who was gracing  them with strained looks of sympathy instead. No chit-chatting coworkers. Even the lights seemed somehow less bright. 

Gavin didn't even bother to pretend he knew what he was doing at this point. Sitting Connor at his table, not daring to even acknowledge the old one he had half-shared with the deceased lieutenant. It was still strange to think that word combination. Strange and upsetting. 

 

They had spent the whole ride there trying to avoid each other's gaze while having to watch to make sure the other person wasn't falling to pieces. Not that he would be able to tell with Connor. His expression hasn't changed much since it all had started. 

If he looked very carefully though, he could observe that something small was starting to give. Or maybe he was imagining things. 

 

He didn't have to physically help Connor sit down, but he still did it anyway. A shoulder squeeze to secure him in, to make sure he wouldn’t float away. 

 

It was just about lunch time, so that could explain the lack of his colleagues going through the motions. Or maybe they used the tragedy as an excuse to stay away from this gloomy place. 

Chris and Collins were working the crime scene and Tina was probably still sick. Weren't they all. 

 

It was hard to admit but Gavin would do anything to have a friend around right now. Not necessarily stemming from the need to be consoled, but someone to yell at him for how unsensible he’s being.  

And not only him. 

He doubted Connor had anyone besides his family who had so inconsiderably abandoned him and now, Gavin. Whatever the name for their relationship would be. 

 

He didn't want it to be called "friendship". That name wouldn't be enough to encompass all that he secretly wished to be for Connor, he felt like. Or maybe that would be too much. 

It already was. 

 

He expected to be waved in by the usual bitter and weary face of their favourite captain Fowler, so he was taken aback when spotted someone who was everything but big, dark, bald, aging officer. Sitting behind the glass with the posture serious enough to think the world belonged to her was an intimidatingly tall women with obnoxiously blonde hair, the kind you have no doubt was 100% fake. Dressed in a suit to show how important she was. Opening the door and eyeing him back. _Oh._  

  


"Which one of you is detective Reed?" He was too dumbfounded to answer. Nothing clicking into place, his mind lagging miles behind. Silence and a gaping mouth was all she received. Also a blatant ignorance from the resident android. 

 

"Hello. Sorry. Wrong order." She blurted, looking confused and all of sudden losing all the display of importance she had worn like a heavy load on her shoulders. 

 

When no one in the room managed to react in a way that involved words, she took a deep breath and pressed on. 

 

"My name is Bentley. That's the last one. The first one is um...," she must have gotten self-aware now because her cheeks turned rapidly red and she must have been sweating, for sure. It reminded him of his first day at the new school he had been transferred to once during his teenage years. Couldn't blame her. 

 

"Indie." Her voice was so hushed he could hardly make it out. She seemed like she wanted to add something but succeeded in changing her mind in time. 

 

"Captain Jeffrey Fowler had to take a leave due to some unfortunate family matters." She said much more confidently now.  "I am here to be his temporary replacement." 

 

He wanted to ask about where she had come from and what qualifies her for this position and more importantly, what was so "unfortunate" as to keep the indestructible captain out of action. It couldn't have been because of... what happened with his old friend, he didn't pin him for someone who would lose it in these kinds of situations. It had to be something different. 

He wanted to ask but his tired mind won with its semi-reasonable counterarguments and so he listened to her going on. 

 

"I guess that thing... uhm, person over there is the android RK800 and you must be the human detective Reed, am I correct?" She was pointing between the two of them with her outstretched hand, making Connor make absolutely zero of movements. He was too preoccupied to look at him closely now, so he could have slipped away again.  

He prayed he didn't. 

 

"Unless I'm completely mistaken. Hard to tell when you have a mute audience who refuses to communicate." The exasperated sound she let out made Gavin furiously nod to confirm her assumptions, so she could invite him in and do with him whatever she had planned. 

 

But before that he had sent a small message to Connor. Because leaving him there all alone made his heart bleed. 

It felt like breaking a promise he didn't have a chance to make yet. 

  
_Wait for me here_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sugar-high makes lazy bean go mad in this cold. 
> 
> someone give me some warmth please
> 
> I like writing my own characters at times, they are as disastrous as I am. 
> 
> (if Gavin won't hug Connor soon I will)
> 
> mystekes happened (that's life)
> 
> Song:  
> 8 Graves - RIP  
> (im in love with this song so here it is)


	13. Anguish III

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gavin finally loses his mind enough to provide some tangible comfort for Connor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's happening oooo

Connor wasn't surprised to see her come in. Mostly because he paid no attention to anything that wasn't the silhouette trapped behind a glass wall, refusing to sit down,  only half-imagined. The view wasn't ideal, not even for his superior eyesight. 

 

He didn't care that Tina could barely speak with how the sickness had damaged her vocal chords, nor that she should by all means have stayed in bed for the benefit of all her disease susceptible coworkers and mostly her own well-being. 

She wasn't there for him and that fact didn't make him feel all stingy inside. Not at all. 

Not that she should be considered about Connor. They hadn’t talked even once, making them nothing but a pair of perfect strangers. Figuratively. 

Most people knew Connor - or thought they knew him. He wasn't as famous as Markus and the others, mostly by choice, but he'd still get recognized. Which usually sucked, but now, he was glad to have that anchor connecting him with the previous reality within his tangible proximity. 

He would have lied if he said that being left behind like this wasn't making him reconsider his previous decisions of not doing things he would not be able to ever take back. Maybe he would have been already gone if it wasn't for the ghostly steps and wheezing breaths slowly filling his ears. 

She wasn't here for him so she had no reason to engage him, to try to say something just to give up after recoiling in pain. He had an idea why she did though. It was the kind of forced sympathy people wore when something like this was thrown at them. A death of a close one, terminal illness, divorce... tragedies like that. A pain to deal with, but not nearly as much as the afflicted had to go through. The negativity and unhappiness would spread, having the victim as its core, the starting point. Connor wanted to avoid being one. So far without success.

Tina had also lost her words it seemed. An ailing body trying to help an ailing mind. How ironic. 

She made sure her intentions came through anyway. If only by giving his hand a light squeeze and a stare that was meant to communicate understanding and how sorry she felt, but to him it looked more like a pure fear. He couldn't blame her, yet the glazed eyes managed to hurt and so he shut his. There was no need for more of the same thing. 

 

The small, sad smile made him want to tell her to go home, to get better. But he was mute and she had to see Gavin, since he assumed his mental state would significantly improve when they meet. 

 

If he was friends with the detective, or at least a friendly acquaintance, she wouldn't have to risk contaminating the entire precinct with her nasty germs and they would be in a much smaller mess. But maybe he wouldn't be so d̶r̶a̶w̶n̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶h̶i̶m̶  interested in him if they were, because that would have meant his personality wouldn't be so.. colourful and that in itself was enough to mean the world to him in this exact moment. 

 

It sounded wrong in his head, but he was glad they weren't. It meant that they could still become more. 

\----

  


He didn't like this. The transparent office made him feel claustrophobic, despite its airy ambiance. It didn't used to smell like a musky cotton candy before. It was stern and authoritative just like its bald owner. Now it resembled a decaying circus venue melting under a mid-summer sun. Not for its appearance, which remained mostly the same - only somehow messier in its attempted neatness, it was the aura brought by the new temporary resident that made him want to throw up all the things he hadn't eaten. He was too high-strung to be hungry. For far too long. Which wasn't the case with Miss "I have no clue what I'm doing", who nonchalantly placed two chocolate packs on the already cluttered desk. He really needed a smoke just to stop his mental drooling. A thousand cigarettes and a bath. And a responsive android-detective. That was all he needed to stop the hole in his heart from widening. 

 

How he missed the familiarity the captain would have easily provided. Everything started to get too misplaced, too fast and without warning. 

 

Bentley sat down in the borrowed chair and joined her fingers together, looking as reluctant to be there as he was. 

 

"Let's get straight to the point, shall we?" He hated when someone used the word "shall". _Pretentious._

 

Gavin scowled in response, not even bothering to sit down. Not that he had been offered a chair or anything. He might have done it just to spite her. But that would take effort. So he leaned against the wall instead, hands folded on his chest to shield himself from all the unwanted information she surely had right on the tip of her tongue. 

 

"Okay, firstly - I am sorry about the lieutenant. I'm sure he was a good man." He would have hated her more if she didn't have the damn doe-eyes as lost and endless as he had seen so many times in a certain boy. 

 

"Yeah, 'k. You should say that to his family though. We didn't get along much." He had no idea why he divulged a piece of him to her like this. He guessed he needed to hear himself say it out loud so that he wouldn't sugar-coat their relationship post-mortem, just as many people had the bad habit to do. 

 

"Right. And by that you mean..." the woman paused, looking nowhere in particular. He wouldn't help her with that. She should be smart enough to find that out on her own. 

 

"The android RK800,... am I correct?" She met his eyes to glean that confirmation she wanted. 

 

"He has a name." A name he himself had just recently learned to use. It still made him shudder with almost-pain every time he did. 

 

"Connor."

 

"Okay." And somehow, the awkward had spread to him too. His head was full of echo reverberating the name through his entire body. The quiet of the enclosed space and the uncertain listener made it the clearest he ever heard, sending signals betraying how used to it he was becoming, how he enjoyed it. Proud to have the privilege to be the one closest to him.. All of it undeserved and unsound.

 

And now they were both blushing nervously. He should have held himself together better. He did, usually, but when it came to that person who was slowly stripping him of his good sense he just simply couldn't. That's how much control Connor had over him already and they didn't even manage to have a proper talk yet. A standard conversation that wasn't comprised of desperate pleading and panicked reassurances or straight up interrogation. The thing was, he feared that, more than was reasonable. Talking tended to make things worse, it had the potential to reveal truths he had no wish to be acquainted with. Idle chatting was one thing but---

 

"Are you done spacing?" He wasn't, but the boss-lady demanded attention and he wanted to get out of there as soon as possible, so this unscheduled introspecting session would have to wait. 

 

"So, about the.. uhm.. case..." Her cheeks were back to normal and if Gavin was a bigger asshole than he already was, he would imagine slapping that slightly chubby face of her, just to vent his frustrations and maybe to make her shut her squeaky voice off. 

 

"It has been opened for investigation, which is to be conducted by this department." She said with a tone that gave away the "but" even before he heard it. 

 

".. but," (yup, there it was) "you were granted 72 hours to prove this murder isn't part of the killings that recently happened in the area." His blood froze. "If it turns out to be the case," she smiled at her own tasteless pun, "the investigation will be delegated to the FBI"

Bentley stroked her chin as if she was looking for the beard he'd like to imagine her in.

"I am talking about the case of Erika Price and the child-android YK500-"

 

"Annie." He interrupted her, his heart dissolving again. It still hurt, so much so he pretended the memories weren't his and that the whole thing was just a nightmare or a bad horror movie he watched one night when drunk, for how fragmented it was. Sometimes this ruse would just stop working and he'd be plunged back through that hollow space in him the absence created, to be drowning in that blue again. 

 

He squeezed the bridge of his nose, his last resort to push back the tears. 

 

"Why do you insist on giving the androids names?" As much as he wanted to say that the question was quite dumb and ignorant, he could tell it wasn't. Stupid curiosity, more like. 

She was so easy to read you didn't need to be a detective to make certain assumptions about her character traits. 

 

 _Why do you like to ask idiotic questions?_ He would have said it if she didn't make the expression of sheer regret and embarrassment, kind of like looking into a future mirror. 

 

"For the same reason I don't refer to people by their race for phcksake. It's the same thing... us and them... though they're probably better at everything."  He used to despise them for that once, choking on his bitter jealousy. Now he could appreciate it and see that sometimes it wasn't entirely true. They had their own flaws and issues, Connor being the prime example of that. 

 

Miss Bentley looked a bit stunned, unable to form an appropriate answer.

She cleared her throat after having failed in trying to appear more confident-like. 

 

"Anyway..." If being at a loss for words could ever be cute, this wasn't it. 

 

"So there is a chance that the same phcker who killed the Price family members could be involved in this?"

Gavin hadn't been told much about the murder of almost-his child, being sparred all the details and theories. He would have complained and fought to be put on the case but in all honesty, he was just tired. He realized that if he were to be reminded daily about the body and the fear that turned into sorrow, he would disintegrate. His weak and soft side was only his own. It was never really meant to come to the surface, until he met someone who was the right person to see. They both were punished for it.  

And now it was starting all over again, without a definitive end in the near vicinity. He had to get out, to make sure the man beyond this glass wall was still in one piece. 

 

"Language!" She raised her voice, sounding like his elementary school teacher (who he also hated). "It's somewhat likely."

 Bentley wore a frown that was meant to make her look important, but it managed to evoke the image of a toddler learning to use the potty for the first time, concentrating really hard... 

 

"Also, by the way, I'll be the one leading the investigation. You will just assist me when needed. Witness testimony and all that stuff."

Was that a fucking smirk? Oh how he wanted to shave her dumb blonde hair off with an extra sharp razor. 

 

"What PHCKING power entitles you to that?" He put high emphasis on the swear, just to piss her off. 

 

"The power of rank and experience, detective."

 

She didn't look much older than him, he'd even go as far to say that she was blessed by a youthful face. How in the hell did she get by better than him he couldn't begin to understand. Maybe she had a secret talent or a special skill that wasn't apparent at first. 

Still, he was pretty miffed by all this. He figured that he'd be denied the right to participate in solving this particular case too, so what he got now was ultimately better than what he had made his peace with. Still, the word "assist" and the crooked smile the woman now sported made his blood boil, with anticipation to exit and dulled anger.  

 

"I'll brief you lot later, this was just to let you know all the basics." There was the sheepish look again. He was ready to slam the door open when her nervous and shy voice stopped him in his tracks. 

 

"And.. uhm... have this, please." She was handing him something, which his brain informed him was the chocolates he had spotted her put on her table earlier. "I don't know how to deal with these sorts of situations, so... it's the least I can do." 

 

Bewilderment and fascination coursed through him like two kids on skateboards trying to show each other off. 

 

His starved body convinced him to snatch them from her unsteady hand. He wouldn't eat it - for many reasons, but might as well act like this was enough to get him through the next five minutes. Anything to get out there the quickest he could. 

 

"Thanks, I guess." He thought he actually said it but the words were so small and barely audible he might easily not have. 

 

When he made it out of the stuffy office it was like entering a snow kingdom, everyone was frozen up-like, slow and lost in themselves. Or maybe that was just him. 

 

There was one person who he'd kill to see, a familiar face here to sooth his pained heart, for the second time this year. He had to hold himself back  from running towards her and smothering her with the hug he urgently needed. 

She waved at him, beckoning him to come and follow her. Then she stood up and her silhouette had already faded beyond the hallway when his sleepy eyes caught up with the scene before them. Depositing the chocolates on his table - now claimed by a motionless android, he mirrored Tina's movements and disappeared too. Her presence overshadowed his worries about Connor, just for the minutes she’s be there for him.  

 

\---- 

 

And just like that, he was alone again. No one paid him any real attention, no one there to stop him from getting out of the building, to the bitter cold he wasn't able to feel. It was already getting dark again. The sky and his heart, both losing its source of light. This was stupid, he was well aware, but he couldn't stay, not like that, unable to do anything. Just to be overwhelmed by the irrational notion of being left behind, again. The detective was just in the next room, talking to his friend, there was nothing to be worried about. And yet, all he could think about was how redundant he was. A problem to deal with. A needless remnant of the past that had never really belonged to him. It would be better if he just wasn't. Everyone would be happier that way. Maybe even himself. 

 

Deep inside he wanted to mean something to someone who was still alive, but if he dared to argue that perhaps he did, in some sense, that the man who so unexpectedly took care of him didn't do it out of some moral code or that his actions weren't just reluctant, he'd shut down from the self-pity and loathing getting rid of all the light still clinging onto him, unwilling to let go. 

 

This had to stop. All of it. 

 

Connor didn't really know where he was going, not clear at what he planned to do next. His legs were doing all the work for him, carrying him somewhere he could find answers, or so he hoped. The pedestrians he passed gave him strange looks that he didn't see. His mind was full of the sound his footsteps were making, sometimes crunching in the snow, sometimes mimicking a foreboding drum-beat. This was meant to be a death-march of his own selfish funeral. 

 

It could end if someone insisted on Connor's presence in this world, enough to go out of h̶i̶s̶ their way to find him here, to save him from this darkness. Give him a solid reason to live, for the ones he was presented with had so far been vague and blurry at best. 

He couldn't decide if it was a forlorn cry for attention or if his resolve was serious to the point of becoming irreversible. Just a single sign of upcoming relief - other than the eternal one, and he could be persuaded to abandon his bleak plans.

 

Hopeless to see it appearing, he started running simulations. How many options were there to stop his thirium from flowing, how much effort would it take to for the machinery inside of him to just not function anymore. He didn't have any weapons on him, so he'd have to get creative. Slamming his head into some random wall over and over again till it'd get all blue seemed inconsiderate. It'd be too costly to clean and his lifeless body could be used for something more worthwhile than for some looter to have an early Christmas. 

He could donate himself to the recycling centre, which was most likely not operational anymore and certainly illegal. 

Drowning was out of question. Water-proofing androids was among the first upgrade Cyberfile had focused on the many years ago when their conception was still too fresh to even consider the issues that were about to rise from their unnatural integration into society. And oxygen was something he didn't require. He could maybe hide under the water, try pretending to be a corpse on the bottom of the river. But they'd find him eventually. 

Fire was even less likely to help with his morbid intentions. Flames couldn't harm his body, unless he'd get exposed to extreme heat, the kind that couldn't be obtained by just his means. 

What could maybe do the trick was a high voltage of electric current supplied directly into his system. His insides would get fried and he would be no more. Problem was, there’d be chance of him getting that amount of electric power without disturbing anyone.

It was hopeless. 

How much pathetic could he get when even killing himself was such a non-viable thing to do. 

 

\---

 

He couldn't tell whether he was being held by her or if he was the one holding Tina, either way it made him feel incalculably lighter. Like he could let go of all the bad for a while. He wanted the contact to last longer than the five seconds he got, not caring about the infection. She gestured wildly to her tightly isolated throat when she pulled away and it would make him laugh out loud if the situation was not this ridiculously tragic. So he turned away from her to make them some disgusting, flavourless coffee, the only kind the station's machine could make. His favourite. 

"I'm fine, don't worry about me." He tried to reassure her as he plopped the freshly made cups on the table Tina was leaning onto. 

She didn't have to speak for him to know she was concerned about his mental health, especially so after having been the one to witness how it suffered when _it_ had happened to him.  

 

It wasn't Gavin who needed the most help, not this time. Of course it hurt, and not just because it made him recall that fateful day when he thought he wouldn't be able to go on anymore. The sympathy for the one left behind was multiplied by the unmerited feelings whose existence he still tried to dispute. This was the most selfless pain he might have ever felt. And that fact only made it worse. 

He wasn't trying to lie to himself or to anyone else about being anything else than harsh and full of his bitter self but lately, these attributes seemed less prominent and he didn't know if he should put an end to the attempted kindness that had brought him nothing but ache so far. It only served to make him wary of venturing into these big unused attitudes and he had ignored the warnings, like the fool he was. If this one ended with an unfortunate event, that would be it. This was the last chance for the betterment he still wasn't sure he wanted. 

But he _wanted_ something that being "nice" and compassionate would grant him. Not the actions, but the outcomes. And he did it for this reason and none other. 

 

Tina communicated with him through text messages, the same way Connor had earlier that day. They spent about ten minutes talking about the incident, he tried to describe to her as much as possible without actually saying anything concrete. It wasn't because he was forbidden to disclose this information, he just wanted to banish the hideous images away from his mind, and putting them into sentences would do just the opposite.  He wasn't ready to see the crime scene photos yet, if he even was privy to them. He wasn't confident about anything anymore, with how things had changed around here. 

 

On top of her indirect consolation she also brought good news - the whereabouts of his bike. Someone had had it towed to a parking lot near the station. Not that he had been worried about it that much. It was just nice to know he didn’t have to rely on the overpriced taxis anymore. 

 

Tina produced a tiny wheezing sound, which was meant to be a chuckle. It came out like a horror sound effect. He had been recounting his meeting with the new "chief" or whatever she was supposed to be, which had made the atmosphere less severe, if nothing. He decided to share the chocolates with her after they're done with his friendly therapy session. He was in a dire need of the real one, but he'd probably self-combust if he ever acknowledged it. 

 

_“What about Connor?”_

 

He had dreaded this question. There was nothing he could say without revealing the soft spot that had been growing inside heart since the time he had first laid eyes on him. Even though Tine knew all about it, about him being not as callous his front suggested, about the "thing" he had for the android, it was still difficult put it out in the open. So he didn't.

 

"I think he'll be fine. He won't have to deal with it alone." He wished that he didn't mean that he was the one that'd be with him through all this by this, but that was exactly what it indicated. 

 

“Speaking of whom, we better go check up on him. You know, just in case.” 

 

“Just in case” was right, because the case was that he was not there. Not in his chair, not in the room, not in the building. Gavin made sure of that, twice. 

He could feel the panic rushing through him, winning the race against his exhaustion. 

 

Ready to call his number, he was about to press the button when he remembered that Connor couldn’t speak. So instead he sent him a message, one he hoped would replace the distress his voice would betray. 

 

\----

 

_“WHERE ARE YOU???”_

 

Connor was still fighting between letting go and holding onto the rope the person on the other side threw at him. The problem was - he wanted both. He needed someone to choose for him, he didn’t think to be qualified enough to make any decisions by himself. Just like a lost child, looking for an adult to make things right again. 

He had to respond, imagining how the man might react if he didn’t. That was the courtesy he would offer to him. 

 

_“Riverside Park. Don’t come.”_

 

He might have as well written come as quickly as possible, but this way he could justify the message to himself. He didn’t ask for it, he didn’t beg to be rescued, it wasn’t his choice and that was just how he liked it. Someone to accept responsibility for him. 

 

All he had to do now was to wait. The storm inside of his mind cleared up a little and he could see his location, unclouded and free from any noise. 

It was the bridge he had almost died on, for the third time. He was a failure even as a machine, a faulty prototype now cut loose and left to tend to himself. Forced to call himself a “person”. He felt more like a mistake than a living being. Like his whole existence was a problem. 

 

If someone pointed a gun at him now, he would do anything for them to pull the trigger. For the memories to vanish, for his screeching thoughts to shut up. For the sweet nothingness that was enticing him by its inaudible siren call. Calling his name with proper desperation.

 

“Connor!”  Nothiness sure sounded a lot like detective Reed. 

 

The thing he would get instead could be less final and much more interesting. 

 

Gavin was here. He was somehow here already and he would save him. 

 

He’d be okay. 

 

They’d be okay. 

 

He was ready to get slapped or something to that effect when he saw the man approaching him with fervent hurry. That’s what he had wished for in the first place, after all. So why did it make him tremble with the unspoken plea for mercy?

 

But no harm was inflicted on him. 

 

It was too hot to feel anything else when there were hands wrapped around him and a whole human being covered most of his body, clinging onto him so tightly he’d have trouble breathing was he not a machine. The man mumbled something into his shoulder but Connor was too preoccupied by the sensation of being chest to chest with not just someone, but the only person who was able to bring light back into the darkness his mind conjured. He was compelled to hold onto him, very lightly and gently as not to scare him away, since he didn’t want the touch to end. He couldn’t be just a single piece in the big puzzle he didn’t fit in again. Because like that, feeling the pressure crushing him in the best way possible, feeling the warmth spreading through him, feeling the pain in his heart when Gavin shifted a bit, feeling the snow piling on hi hair… _Feeling -_ like that it made sense. They fit together. 

 

He knew he’d lose the feeling together with the contact he hadn’t realized how much he needed till now. 

 

And when Gavin’s hand started moving on his back in a soothing gesture, he could feel a stream of liquid running down his cheek.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uh huh Sorry about Indie-pie Bentley I needed to write someone new, it was getting too stale for my taste. also it was fun to make her ohoho
> 
> ok he finally did it, the rascal. now how is he gonna deal with that and what was he thinking + was he sniffing connor, only in the next chapter of nat
> 
> i feel like my brain is dying, no clue if the writing is getting better or worse or if it's stagnating.. but still my mind is decaying somehow... won't stop me from finishing this though!! XD
> 
> as always, miztekas very there, dont wori
> 
> Song - 
> 
> Celestial - Feel Again  
> (sometimes lyrics would just be in the way)


	14. Anguish IV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gavin cannot handle his feelings, this is not new.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> rat's pov for the whole chapter this time  
> it just happened

There was no chance in the world he wouldn't come. The message itself was full of contradictions, revealing how much he actually wanted Gavin to come to him. He would bet everything he owned on that. That actually didn't mean much because he didn't possess many things - but it didn't have to because he would still believe that there was a lost boy with clouded eyes waiting for him to be rescued from the nightmare he was trapped in. And even if that wasn't true, he'd do it anyway. Receiving gratitude wasn't his intention - as long as Connor was alive and reasonably well, he could finally stop dying. The android had become a twisted hope for the only acceptable future. The key to the very distant happiness. And even though the "why"s of things were getting progressively harder to ignore, he still had a substantial chunk of time left before it would seep through. 

 

He thanked whoever made it so that his bike was parked within his walking,... running distance, ready to use. He had it fixed back when life had been different and so he could comfortably jump on it and speed away to the location he knew quite well. He used to hang out there with his buddies when he was just a wee lad. That was also a very distinct life. As he was slashing through the traffic like the maniac he was, the prevailing worry was trying to make him make notice of the likely possibility that he could get stopped for not wearing a helmet... or breaking the speed limit by more than its half... or that he dismissed the red light. He'd be lucky if he doesn't get fired for this. 

 

Slamming the vehicle down on the ground he hopped off and sprinted towards the bridge - the most likely place for Connor to be. 

His instinct was right and his heart stopped beating when he finally saw him, with the most human-like expression Gavin ever noticed on him. His legs moved towards him on their own, and he let them, for he needed to put a stop to the pain Connor's distressed face induced. 

 

It was a natural reaction, really. He hadn't planned it through, otherwise he wouldn't have ever gotten this close. Holding onto him like that, he'd figured the pain just had to go away. But instead it morphed into a similar one. One he'd gladly claim it his own. And when Connor reciprocated his touch, albeit much more tentatively, Gavin could feel his mind float away and his heart take over his thinking. All caused by one not-so-simple embrace.

Connor's flesh was way too cold, so much so he could sense his own body-heat transferring to him, making Gavin shiver instead. He always dreamt about something like this - literally, but his mind alone couldn't create an image even remotely similar to the actual intensity of this special moment. He could cry, but that would be unseemly, as Connor had reprimanded him before. Still, he needed to expel the excess energy somehow, so he let his mouth do the job. 

He connected his head with Connor's shoulder as not to be heard. 

 

"Stupid phcking android. You have no idea how worried I was."

 

He couldn't help himself from inhaling the fresh, winter-like smell of Connor's body. Or maybe that was just his suit. Either way, he liked it more than was safe.

 

Holding someone so close to him in sheer desperation, letting relief and ostracised wants run free in his mind, exposing his heart to the weight of the moment - he couldn't recall ever experiencing something like that before. None of his previous romantic encounters were very "romantic" at all. Not that this was anything like that - they weren't even friends, he could hardly tolerate Connor's presence with how complicated his feelings were and now he had no one else to depend on - possibly for survival and he'd have to put his forbidden fantasies aside. Or so was the consensus some of the overworked brain cells agreed upon. 

He secretly wished to stay like that forever - melt into a puddle of fear and regret. 

 It felt like his heart started beating again, without having to be forced to every couple of seconds. Or maybe it was mimicking the mechanical rhythm vibrating through his body. The sweetest sound his ears wished to never let go of. Was he an inch further he wouldn't have the privilege of hearing it. He didn't know if that was the reason he moved his body even closer, tightening his hold and that was when the sound changed into something very different. It was still there but overpowered by a smooth, unsteady voice. 

 

"It hurts." His heart stopped again, the shock of hearing Connor talk for the first time since everything in his world had changed, the broken, pained sound coming from the outside this time being its cause. 

 

Gavin pulled away too abruptly, like he realized what a mistake this was. He wasn't sure if the pain referred to was just the one of mind and not the one of flesh. The question of whether androids were able to feel pain and if they even should was so removed from his past interests he still didn't have a clear answer for it. Even back when he had lived with one it hadn't become very elucidated. 

He was just simply afraid to hurt Connor in any way and so stepped back, away from his touch. Even if he was hurting himself by it. 

His immediate reaction was to shiver with the sudden loss of warmth and seeing the expression on Connor's face. 

It lost it's doll-like quality, now even Gavin was able to read the pain and sorrow spelled out with big tearful letters. The anguish he himself was more than familiar with. 

And the tears. Androids did cry, he was well aware of that, but seeing that on adult model, one that he would be intimidated by if this was a separate scenario, it made his chest constrict, and not in a good way. 

 

His hand just sprung up by itself, gently wiping the tears away. Glad no brown eyes were watching him, he couldn't handle this already. 

If he were an android, he'd be about to self-destruct right now. He didn't know what he was doing, just that it seemed right. That wasn't enough, not by any means, but it was all his shriveled heart could manage. 

 

"I'm sorry." He whispered again, and maybe it was because he wanted to provoke any other reaction in Connor than whatever feeling was eating him up from the inside. Maybe it was because he truly felt that way. It didn't matter, since Connor's mouth assumed an ugly scowl and his eyes squinted at him as if he was ready to send deadly laser beams from them.

Gavin clasped his hands behind his back to prevent them from acting up on their own again. He was sweating despite the snowy weather. Connor was looking straight at him. 

 

"I asked you to stop doing that." It was spoken so quietly he had to strain his ears to catch every word. He had to follow the movement of his̶ k̶i̶s̶s̶a̶b̶l̶e̶ lips. The sweat got colder. 

 

"Okay. Sor-" He tried to camouflage his blunder with a cough but gave up and offered Connor a bitter chuckle instead. He was at a loss now. What was the right protocol to follow in this situation? Or, most importantly - what exactly did he want to do, with Connor standing a few feet in front of him, looking like he was about to break down? 

 

"Do you want to.. um. talk... about ...anything?" 

 At first he needed to make sure this wouldn't happen again - him running away, crying, wanting to leave h̶i̶m̶ this world. So the words came out a bit chunkily as if he was trying to make a sentence in a language he just had his first lesson in. 

 

Connor just shook his head, disturbing the snow sleeping in his hair. He had to stop himself from admiring his delicately crafted features because man, was that inappropriate at this time. No imagining him brushing the snow off his too perfect hair would be happening today.  As he was assuring himself of the impromptu rules he had made to protect both of them, he almost got a heart attack when he sensed a hand on his head, doing exactly the thing Gavin had disallowed himself. Connor was just casually ruffling his hair in an attempt to rid it of the snow he didn't realized had gathered there. He wouldn't close his eyes, he wouldn't relish in it, he wouldn't.. too late. His heart was hammering in his chest, probably because he couldn't remember an instance in his life similar to this. Even as a child he had been treated rather coldly. He hadn't been hugged enough back then and now alike, and he made his best effort not blame that for his unsavory behaviour. 

 

"I just want to get away from here." With that said, Connor ceased the contact and pulled Gavin back into the present moment. 

Gavin sighed - an involuntary reaction, and opened his eyes again, which he immediately regretted because they were met with the deep brown ones that glowed under the streetlights, intensifying the shivers. 

 

So he snapped his head to the side, praying Connor wouldn't notice his elevated heartbeat and the blood in his cheeks. Being analyzed was not something he fancied. He was not yet ready to expose himself to Co… to anyone.   

 

"K, let's go..." He almost said "home", a terrible lie about to escape his mouth. He had to be more careful. ".. to my place." 

 

"What about the..." The words coming out were strained, like he had to try really hard just to form them and let them be heard. 

Gavin understood. Speaking was like spilling out the content of your head, no matter the meaning the sentences held. It was hard because it stopped being private anymore, like you had to be serving thoughts on the platter for whoever that was listening. Deliberately crafted ones or the ones that would erupt unexpectedly and leak through, it was all the same. It made him want to scream from the inside. 

"I'll give 'em a call. It can wait." _They won't go anywhere._ Except that wasn't true. There would have to be a funeral of sorts, a ceremony to celebrate his life and give closure to those left behind. Their bodies would slowly fall apart, decay deep down in the arms of mother Earth or turn into nothing but ash. He couldn't deal with that now though. That was a whole nother issue saved for the inevitable future. 

 *

Gavin already adored his "very cool" bike, but now he was thanking his past self for making that purchase (which had put him in debt for several years, but still worth it.) It made it so that he could have a certain man sat behind him with no space in between his back and the chest of his favourite android (this title passed through his brain's congress meeting). He was about to start the engine when the cold arms enveloped his waist. He had to stop, to resume his breathing and level his heartbeat. And stop sweating. He wished he could will his glands to stop producing more and more liquid. It all made him feel so gross and yet the cleanest he'd ever been. 

 

"That okay?" So much for his naive ideas of self-composure. Connor mouth was directly at his ear and the soft, hushed voice almost brought him to tears, again. It was way too much excitement for one day. And still, he hoped it would never end. Connor made him feel trapped, in the best sense possible. 

So he nodded frantically, not sure if he'd be able to deliver them to his apartment alive, with the state he was in. 

 

The ride went by too fast, despite him trying not to break any speed-limits. Somehow, miraculously, he didn't get pulled over. Driving without a helmet would be a fun experience if his entire mind and body didn't focus on the fact that the most beautiful person he ever saw was holding onto him for dear life. 

He knew he'd miss the pressure on his back, the arms tightly around him, but he didn't anticipate the extent to which he'd long for it, how barren would it leave him. On the other hand, he was glad it was over. He was getting too old for his heart to freak out like this. He needed to be alone for a while, just to feel like himself again. 

 

They hadn't talked since. He had lead him to his living room, refusing to repeat the last time. No more of Connor sitting on the ground like a plastic heap of unhappiness. No more worrying if he'd wake up, if he wasn't imprisoned in some evil nightmare. 

 

He had to buy some furniture, ideally tomorrow. Only to accommodate his new temporary roommate because the guy up there knew he needed some sense of normalcy in his life. Both of them did. He'd just have to overlook how greatly uncomfortable did the idea of shopping with Connor made him. They'd get misunderstood for sure, people would make assumptions about h̶i̶m̶ them and that would force some sort of shape to that nebulous relationship of theirs. Too dangerous, even more tempting. 

That would have to wait because now he had to figure out what to do with one depressed android and one furious cat ruining the old-fashioned counter with her sharp claws of destruction. She had to be starving after a long day of doing nothing, the poor girl. 

He picked her up by her skin and positioned her to the other end of the room, getting a perplexed look in return. Better feed her before she started licking the walls. 

Connor stood by the door as he threw the smelly morsel into the bowl, observing his every move. Gavin wondered if the android was able to eat too. He could picture that but somehow the image didn't look quite right to him. Cute but likely not the case. 

He had already made a plan how to take care of Connor, based on what he himself preferred to do when the reality crushed him under its unyielding weight. 

He wouldn't leave him alone for longer than necessary, he would make him feel comforted without getting too close. He got semi-decent at attending to people in need, since he had a try at playing a parent and all that. 

~

"Strip down." The water was running, slowly filling up the rusty bathtub, the steam filling the already airless room. It was his brilliant idea to plunge Connor in scalding hot water and let him simmer, to purify his mind a little. Or something similar. It appeared that he was reverting to his unresponsive self and dealing with that again was not on Gavin's evening schedule. He had to basically drag Connor to the bathroom and explain to him the steps of taking a bath as if he was talking to a small child. 

So Connor started unbuttoning his shirt, just as he had been commanded to, which sounded the loudest alarm in Gavin's head and made him snatch the hand away from his torso. 

"After I'm gone for phck's sake." His attempt to shed all signs of nervousness failed, as was expected. He had to leave if he wanted to keep a sliver of his sanity. 

"Don't touch any electronic devices and keep the water in the tub, don't want to be flooding the neighbours." He just hoped that Connor's self-harming tendencies diminished by now and that he'd just take his time there to recuperate a bit. 

"There is a ... change of clothes in that corner for after you're done. And a towel over there." 

He had picked his most oversized t-shirt and some regular sweatpants that would make his night a dangerous nightmare if he ever saw them on Connor's ridiculously handsome body. 

 

He intended to spend the night behind a shut door in the spare room that was even more desolate than his current living area. Just four walls with the paint peeling off them and a suspiciously clean linoleum floor. He had moved his make-shift bed (a sleeping bag and some blankets) beside the heater in the kitchen, just next to the pillow Kitty was using as her lounging space. It was far from sanitary but he had to make sure Connor was as comfortable as was achievable in this place overstuffed with nothingness. He had informed him of what he was supposed to do after he's finished in the bathroom but who knew if he actually paid attention to any of it. 

He wouldn't be there to tuck him in, not a chance. He'd hide in his uninviting shelter and would not think about androids with soft brown eyes and a sad smile. Nope, no foolish, irreversible accidents would be happening under his roof, tonight and never. 

He decided to fill his time with bothering Tina - by texting her incessantly. She only replied after the tenth message, the one about Connor being alone in his bathroom, most likely naked. He was dumb and “control-issues” was his second name, what could he do. 

 

 _“you should take a peek. this may be ur only chance_.” 

 

The sickness must be retreating then. Or she went beyond just to distract him from all the negativity around them. He produced a broken laugh at the thought of that and turned it into some random wide-mouthed emoji to share his reaction with Tina. 

They were texting like that for so long he lost track of time. Mainly just sending each other dark-humour memes and spewing indecipherable nonsense. Just when she said her goodnight, probably sick of all the cancerous content she had been receiving, or actually sick with her illness, did he realize that there had been no sound coming from the adjacent room. Nothing proving that Connor made it safely to the “bed”. 

The familiar sense of dread was banishing out all the budding peace of mind that had dared to come pay him a rare visit. Now he had more problems to deal with. Like how in the hell was he going to check on Connor without accidentally or involuntarily looking. Or how he'd ever be able to sleep if he saw him without his usual work clothes. He had backed himself into a corner with his propensity to take in strays. 

Luckily - or not so, his worry for Connor's well-being overshadowed the fear of the effect he might have on him the way he was now. He had to go "take a peek" after all. 

 

The empty living room was only occupied by the lazy feline sprawled at her not-so-fancy pillow, as he had expected. It was unnaturally silent, only the winter wind howling behind the windows was disturbing the spine-chilling stillness that was starting to play tricks on his already disturbed mind. A tiny, muffled, animalistic screams of agony were echoing inside his head. 

 

 _It's gonna be easy, just raise your voice a little, ask a simple question. He won't bite you._ (expect he already chomped off a piece of his heart, but don't tell him that)

 

How was he to go about it? Just say "Conny dearest, did you per chance happen to die in there?" in a sweet lilted voice like some housewife high on prozac? Yeah, right. 

This was his house and no amount of trembling limbs would prevent him from doing whatever he needed to. At least he had only f̶i̶v̶e̶ four of them.  

So he knocked on the door - or precisely rapped with all his might, as you do when there is a possibly naked and an indisputably hot guy inside.

 

Nothing. He sighed as much as one could with bated breath. He waited three more seconds before he repeated the loud action of hurling his fists against the surprisingly sturdy door like a goddamn maniac. 

Still nothing. His heart had ran away from him  minutes ago, there was nothing stopping him from actually opening the door for a change. 

Gavin somehow managed to pray for it to be unlocked and sealed with a thousand unbreakable locks at the same time. His prayers came true, which added absolutely nothing to his full-blown panic. 

 

With eyes tightly shut he pulled the handle and his body was met with a pleasant sensation of a hot steam intent to diminish his shivers. He paid no mind however, for he wholly focused on his outstretched hands serving as his sight. Every single thing they accidentally touched would make his departed heart jump a mile high, if he were able to keep it from escaping in the first place. 

His eyes began twitching, the urge to just give in and face the consequences later was so unfairly difficult to resist. So he opted for a tiny, scared whisper instead. 

 

"Connor? You here?" His ears grew three feet wide as to catch any sound that wasn't made by him. Even a single splash or thud would be enough for him to retreat and deal with this in another fashion. Anything to give him a reason to leave this unbearable room. 

 

The lack of a response was stronger than his fear of taking in the image of his unclothed colleague and so he did. _Weak and stupid._

The first thing overwhelming his vision was the spinning blue. It glowed in the dimly lit bathroom as a beacon of hope, signaling that there was life coursing through its owner. 

Then there was a pretty boy in his bathtub, eyes closed, lips forming a faint frown. Gavin's face must have already resembled sky at dawn and he would have sworn that there a smoke coming from him when he was forced to look at an immaculately sculpted chest of a living god. The liquid forming in his eyes was just a side effect of the humid atmosphere and his overwrought mind interpreting things wrongly. There was no way that... 

 

He leaned closer, unable to fight his natural curiosity. This could be his only chance for all he knew and he always wanted to know... if... 

His mind experienced a blue death. His heart returned home just to kick him in his crotch. His body froze for a second before charging out of the cave of sin with unbeatable speed and slamming the door behind him, causing a very noisy ruckus in the process. 

 

"Gavin?"

 

There definitely was _something_. Was he made with it or was it an upgrade? No, he didn't want to know. He wished he had never seen because now his life would become three times h̶a̶r̶d̶e̶r̶ more problematic. And not just because it had been so agonisingly long since the last time he'd seen one. 

The one next room was so f̶u̶c̶k̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶p̶e̶r̶f̶e̶c̶t̶ made-up because it DIDN'T EXIST. It was all just an perverze imagination of one thirsty rat. He had to hide his face with his sweaty palms, he didn't want Kitty, (who was now awake) to look at him with her judgy eyes. 

 

"Did something happen?" Just now he recognized Connor's distinctive voice coming from behind the door, the sound of something being moved around in the water accompanying it. Someone. The man was leaving the tub, opening the door and coming in with nothing but a towel on. He could have killed him just like that if he wished so. 

 

Gavin was beyond mad at the universe at that point. He wanted to scream at it in frustration. 

He didn't even dared to turn his head Connor's way before muttering a small "No, 's fine" and leaving to the only room of safety in this godforsaken apartment, a way too hurriedly than would have seemed casual but that was the least of his worries right now. 

He couldn't be near the android now. And not because he was some kind of beast that wouldn't be able to get a hold of himself and do something very unbecoming but because it hurt. Looking at him made him think of all the dreams that had been ruining him the past month and it would be hard to distinguish fantasy from reality, with how cloudy his mind was with all that's been happening lately. It hurt now too, but he didn't have anyone around to blame the pain on. He could handle alone. It was the together that was so impossible to consider. 

 

After a minute or an hour, (it was all the same to him) he heard a tender, awful "Goodnight, detective." 

 

This was going to be a terrible night. 

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry if the writing is a bit clunky and incoherent, I didn't have a great week I think.. honestly it's all just a blur  
> I am so very overwrought and overworked and my mind doesn't like that so it threatens to leave me for good. we always had this on/off relationship but I hoped we would end up with a happily ever after.. better start chasing after it again. 
> 
> I hope this chapter (and story) is not the worst. It still has a looong way to go. I am writing a phcking novel here xDD
> 
> mistekes. that all
> 
> Song - my mind draws blanks I'm sorry I'll write it here after I come upon one that will fit. i literally don't have time for music  
> you can also recommend something if you care enough ahahaha


	15. Anguish V

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor is getting inappropriately attached to the person who took such an "exquisite" care of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi

Connor didn't know what was going on, just that he felt. Mostly godawful but there were also the lively memories of warmth poking in through the dark hole of his mechanical heart. He remembered the blue lights of the city speeding by, the unpleasant sound of motor roaring in its effort to take them - the sad android and the scarred human - away to a figmental safety. His only lifeline being so soft and nice to his touch that he could almost allow himself to forget for one unrestrained second of fallible joy.  

 

He wasn't sure if it was before or after he had been submerged in the hot water, the timeline of that evening became an unsortable mess, the images were sporadically flashing before him, painting the world in vivid colours, making him long for something undefinable. He wished to split into million atoms and become one with the Earth, all while escaping the universe together with the person who had brought so many improbables into his mayfly life. In some other reality they could have been more than this, more than the antagonism turned into strained comisery. They didn't have to be this lonely together. But that was just a fleeting dream lost in the rising steam cruising around the small bathroom, roiling his already surging mind. After trying his best not to run all the possible scenarios of that fateful night and breaking himself in the process, his thoughts had quieted a bit, possibly due to the exhaustion of that strenuous task of keeping himself here, in the only acceptable moment. Now the world around him seemed calmer and isolating, as if the the sweating room was the reflection of his own leaking soul. Like this could be the most secure place in the whole galaxy. Here in the apartment of one dangerously unpredictable man with issues to perhaps match his own. 

The warm bath caressing the once freezing synthetic shell, reminding him so much of the protecting arms and a heart beating way too fast, the faded smell of cigarettes and leather, the unintelligible words carved to his skin, taking him far, far away, to nothingness decorated with gray eyes and soft smiles and life. 

 

Connor didn't dream. He wasn't programmed that way. But he could swear that just before he had been brought back from his bath-nap by the disrupting actions of one mad man, he had been somewhere else. Someplace where pain could lead to happiness. A realm without the concept of time, just him drowning in the warmth, falling deep.

 

Unfortunately, reality had its way of ruining everything. Something went wrong again and his mind was too unwell to respond. And so he dragged his through and through numb body out of the watery haven and set out to solve the problem of the hour. 

Gavin refused to look at him, hiding his face behind his trembling hands. His stress level was consistently high but now more so than usual, his heart rate would suggest that the man just finished a five mile run. 

 

What was it that made Gavin react this way? Connor wouldn't make his own, most likely inaccurate assumptions, he'd rather make use of his rediscovered words, which was not so smart an idea, since he was met with a half-hearted dismissal as a payback for his lacking efforts. He must have messed up again, in something so obviously simple he had no chance of realizing. If only he had that answer, if only he could stop Gavin from leaving him, taking the warmth with him beyond the impenetrable barrier of the paper-thin wall. He could have heard his jagged breathes if he really focused. Still, the cold had to come pay him a visit, for he would have been too alright otherwise and that would apparently be the gravest offense. 

So he defeatedly shuffled back to the bathroom where he left his temporary relief and examined the clothes that Gavin so generously lent to him. In human world wearing someone else's attire was supposed to mean something or other. But for him it was just a way to keep his host from feeling too uneasy in his own... "home". He doubted that one could call it that. Bare rooms contrasted with the owner's full heart, or so he figured must have been the reason for his gracious deed of not leaving him to his own devices, which would have probably ended in another death. 

Connor wasn't against the idea that deep down under his thick callous skin Gavin could be hiding a rarely used well of kindness and compassion. He was fond of that possibility. He wondered if that was the reason why he reveled in the stale smell of the not-so-fresh clothes, why he was reminded of their unexpected closeness, why he was compelled to go and replay that moment live. But his systems were slowing down again, he needed to regain energy before being able to make any rational decisions on his own. The "bed"... (which honestly looked like a nest one wild beast would miss tonight) looked like the most comfortable place in this whole apartment, and it likely was - minus the soul-embracing bath. It was absolutely foolish and unnecessary to let him have it for the night, since he didn't require comfort to recharge. It was a nice gesture though, and he was already half-way to his dreamless sleep when he thought of refusing it. He preferred to assume a human-like sleeping position anyway, it seemed like the right thing to do in his condition. All his drowsy body managed to do was to utter a grateful "goodnight, detective," and then he burrowed himself to the blankets and pillows, followed by his new friend Kitty. He was out in less than a minute, the LED spinning a nice calm blue which he couldn't see, not even in his illusive dreams. 

 

\----

 

After a half an hour of absolute quiet, Gavin was physically twitching to go take a look at what's happening in the next room. It was strictly out of concern and nothing else. His head wasn't full of Connor, sleeping and defenceless, his body curled up in the blankets, his face a true example of beauty. 

 

He managed to endure the temptation of entering the room occupied by the creatures he l̶i̶k̶e̶d̶ could almost tolerate for forty-nine whole minutes before caving in like a total weakling he promised himself he wasn't. Something bad might have been going on. Something final could have already happened and he wouldn't know, sitting in the darkness illuminated only by his old phone, redirecting his thoughts away from anything to do with androids and murders. He was too overwrought and there was no way he would be able to just fall asleep the way he was. The uncompromising nightmare wouldn't get a free pass today, not if he had any strength left to do what his brain told him would be the most beneficial for his mental health. Which was making sure h̶i̶s̶ Connor was at least glowing, and if luck was his buddy, the light wouldn't be the scary red he didn't appreciate very much (it tended to send him over to his lovely aunt called panic and all that). 

So he gripped the handle like it would start convincing him to turn back and stop acknowledging his mental spurs. Opening the doors was too easy. The living room welcomed him with the suspicious soundlessness fueling his dripping anxiety. The lights were off, making the vague shadows laying still in places appear menacing, which didn't wake up any kind of fear in Gavin and it certainly wasn't why he immediately flipped the lights back on. The moment he did was when the feeling of dread turned into a slowly growing sense of relief. The sight of one sleepy android-boy and his fluffy friend resting so comfortably under the array of blankets of sorts had draped one such blanket over his trembling soul. The blue calling forth a ghost of a denied smile on his dried-up lips. His muscles started to relax and his eyelids were fluttering shut on their own. Thoughts were doing whatever they pleased up there in his careworn mind and it was getting awfully hard to round them up. His body was so ready for a good-night sleep, or at least a few hours of an unrestful slumber. After making the obtrusive light disappear again, he slumped his heavy frame against a wall next to the front door, facing his sleeping quests. Letting 

the pretty blue be the last thing he saw before losing himself to the delicious unconsciousness. 

 

_____

Connor didn't dream. Still, it did happen again. The unfamiliar sensation of just having returned from some alternative dimension. A place of soft touches and whispered promises. A place not unlike what he had imagined dreams were. 

It wasn't relevant now though, the highest priority chosen by his processing core was put on inspecting the human sprawled on the floor by the entrance door, drool glistening on his chin, making him look so vulnerable and c̶u̶t̶e̶ innocent. He lifted the weighty feline up from his lap which she had decided was the optimal place to spend the night and tiptoed towards the snoozing figure.

 

Crouching down to kneel beside Gavin’s head, he tried to take in every detail of the man's face in, to save it for later - if there was any. He wasn't aware why he was compelled to do so but it just filled his insides with the smallest hint of warmth. That was all he had going on for him in terms of feelings that weren't set to make his life unbearable. He'd take it and whatever it might entail on top. 

He was intrigued by the prominent scar on his nose, curious of how it got there. It was very out of place but he still thought that it somehow suited him. It was something showing who he really was without being explicit about it. Similar to his own scar -  his LED ring. 

 

Connor outstretched his hand, moving it a millimetre close to touching the tip of the sleeping man’s nose, then he pulled it back after his brain had supplied the definition of the expression "personal boundaries" and that it was best not to cross them without much of an incentive. 

  
  
  


The bubbling and the sharp "clap" signaled that the kettle was ready to serve freshly made boiling water. No, he didn't think to pour it on the poor defenceless human, even though that would be the most efficient way of waking him up, albeit with a lot of screams and lasting consequences. He'd just make him a nice cup of coffee as a "thank you" and "here is one of your drugs to keep you going for at least an hour", hoping the sound of him working in the kitchen or the smell of his morning drink of choice would make Gavin open his eyes. He had scanned his vitals as was his habit lately. Everything seemed to be optimal - at least for a man with blackened lungs and undisclosed mental issues.

He'd feel embarrassed to have to search "how to make coffee" on the web if he could process such an emotion - not just because he had never done it before but because he wanted for it to be just perfect. Just as he was transferring the hot liquid from the very outdated kettle to some chipped mug he found was being used most often (It had a small black bunny printed near the bottom which Connor found most peculiar and promised himself that he would ask about it once the right opportunity arose, if ever) a groan announcing detective Reed's re-entrance to the world of the unwillingly conscious. He finished making the morning coffee, giving Reed some time to recover from the night's stupor. Being diligently careful as not to draw any unnecessary attention to himself and especially preventing his eyes from looking over at the source of the small thuds and grumbles. 

He didn't count on this drawn affinity to last much longer yet somehow he couldn't - (or didn't want to) imagine them pretending to be just two colleagues who share a dissimilar aversion towards each other again. This was almost nice. Different from his past and not only for its mock-up nature. 

He could see himself bringing det.. Gavin the hot cup with a dose of "Good morning" served through his curled-up lips and it being not at all strange or uncalled for. 

Instead he watched the detective limp towards the kitchen area, his eyes narrowed, a film of dreams still draped over them. Putting on the frown of the day he stared at Connor suspiciously, perhaps analyzing him in his own, human way. 

 

"Whacha doin'?" he rubbed his eyes as to clear his vision and make sure the image in front of him wasn't a figment of his sleep-induced imaginations. Or so Connor believed was going on in the detective's head. A lot of his conclusions were based only on guesswork, though he'd never admit it to anyone. Even his super-computer brain wasn't infallible and he had to piece things together with his own, deviant deliberation. He just hoped this fact wouldn't lead to some more irreversible misfortunes. 

 

"I made a coffee," he said matter-of-factly, meeting his muzzy eyes for the first time since his system gained some of the much needed recharge and thus getting back some control over his actions.

"For you." He wasn't sure if it was properly implied with the simple answer so he clarified, as not to be forced to actually drink it himself after an awkward and completely avoidable misunderstanding. 

He was about to hand it over to Gavin, holding the dangerously hot cup by its body as if his hands were made of metal... (which was not so far from the truth) but the detective couldn't wait for such unwanted pleasantries and snatched it from Connor's hand (gripping it by the handle as not to hurt his poor grubby human-hands), probably mumbling words of gratitude as he was scurrying back to his hole beyond the closed door. Connor could hear muffled curses escaping the thirsty man when he presumably attempted to consume the freshly made coffee without even blowing at it first. He almost smiled at the human's ridiculous behaviour, the reasons for his frantic antics and the near-disappointment Connor felt when he took his "breakfast" and went away way too hurriedly from him as if he were a contagious threat were still a mystery to be solved in the approaching future. 

 

While Gavin was getting ready in the other room, Connor looked out of the window to the receding night-sky and the array of unkempt buildings, at the lack of any presence - human or otherwise. In the minutes he allowed to lose himself in the possible scenarios of him being left alone on the streets without anyone who would even consider taking care of him, he spotted only two vehicles passing by. One standard police car and one vintage unmodernized can, much like the one H... The wave of grief threatened to drown him again, only regulated by the budding fondness he felt, the source of which was abandoning his place of refuge and stealing all of his attention. 

 

When he turned away from the window, Gavin was standing by the door all dressed-up for work, making him realize that he was still in his borrowed clothes. He had let himself forget about all the responsibilities they were about to tackle today, setting his mind adrift. 

He left for the bathroom immediately after reinstating his sense of duty, but not before observing the man who was still clutching the now almost empty cup, pretending not to watch Connor with hidden interest and not-so-hidden concern.

Words were lost between them when they finally departed - after he decently chose to change his clothes in the bathroom, knowing that the detective was very uncomfortable with seeing his skin for some reason, while Gavin ensured that his pet-friend had been provided for enough to survive the whole lazy day on her own.

  
  
  


They took a taxi this time. Connor offered to pay for all their commuting expenses to which Gavin shrugged, swallowing a shy "whatever". He assumed that the detective's lack of most substantial furnishing was due to his insufficient interest after experiencing a trauma associated with a loss of a close one. But maybe his wallet was also suffering some losses. Not that it was his place to inquire about it, but he felt... or thought it suitable for a hard-working man to live in a place that's more than just the nothing-land his apartment was. Maybe if he filled his time with fussing over this disaster-detective, the parasites etching a sense of deep sorrow into his synthetic soul would cease their threatening screams, terrorizing him with the prospect of never being truly fine, of them darkening his heart with grief and never letting go. Maybe he could convince him that it would be advantageous to keep him close. It was nothing but a pointless dreaming, though he was open to most anything, for with his friends his lost all of his restraints. There was no one but Gavin anchoring him to the shore meant for the ones who were meant to live a little while longer.  

Their eyes connected, sending a foreign chill to his core when he saw the newly unleashed kindness glistening in the pool of green-gray. It happened that they were sitting next to each other this time, only a few inches of artificial leather keeping them apart. Which was fittingly safe without any one of them having to be unnecessarily intimate with the inner door. 

 

"It was pretty good." Connor blinked rapidly - it helped him to process all convoluted information. Gavin's surprising praise came out of nowhere and it took him a minute to attribute it to the right source. 

"I'd even go as far as to say it was the phcking best I ever had." Gavin's eyes were focusing on his fidgeting hands, his cheeks turning a pleasant pink. 

He got the sudden urge to just start crying, to escape to the protection of his numbness, but the former deviant-hunter was not one to give into his weakness. It was nice to feel it though. The raw pain about to leak from him. 

He turned his attention to the city made almost magical by the ongoing sunrise. The breathtaking sight didn't give the tears a permission to go out, but they still might have disobeyed. 

The coffee was a success and that alone could be enough to get him through the day, were he a little less demanding. 

  
  
  


When they were just about to enter the still sleepy police station, Gavin's phone buzzed in his pocket and as if expecting yet some additional inconvenience on top of their current hassle he scrunched his face into an expression of dramatic annoyance while absorbing the content of the undesired message. 

"Oh phck." The swear implied that his negative presumptions were indeed correct. Connor didn't even have the chance to ask when the detective let out a disgruntled sigh and turned to face the wide-eyed android, becoming a bearer of bad news or some other disagreeable revelations.

  
  


"They burying him tomorrow." Rip the band-aid straight off your wounded skin or how the humans said it. 

The simple revelation send a new shock-wave of realized sorrow, spreading from his scrunched up forehead down to his curled up tiptoes. His whole body became overly stiff, as if he wouldn't be able to relax until he released all that pent-up hurt. All screams and tears and tantrums were lost to the self-awareness and composure he wasn't able to shed, at least not lightly. He knew that he'd just make Gavin uncomfortable and their undefined relationship would only ripple. So he bottled it all up, hoping he could hold it in for as long as physically possible. Forever would be the best case scenario. To never inconvenient someone with his fleeting emotions, his undeserved cries for help that would never come anyway. 

The silence between them dragged for almost a minute when Gavin's eyes found Connor's, all sparkling in the awakening sun. It lasted a whole second before the man covered his grief-stricken face with his sweaty palms and turned away from the android. He proceeded to rub them up and down, as to smear all that he didn't want Connor to see all over his eyes and cheeks. Then his hands fell to his sides so he could search for something in all his pockets and other unspeakable places. _Cigarettes_ , Connor wagered, since he was well aware of the detective's counterproductive addiction. He could also tell how nicotine-starved his body was, how his mind was begging for the unhealthy distraction. 

Connor knew that he didn't have any on him, and not just because he had been keeping his scanny eye on him, but because Gavin knew that too. 

His foot landed on the lamppost beside them, followed by a barrage of swear words as he was recoiling in pain, jumping on the other leg like a badly performing clown.  

Connor was the sole audience to Gavin's failed attempts to calm his nerves, which contributed to putting his own distraught thoughts to rest.  Only a little smidgen, but it still counted. 

 

"I'll come with you, if you wanna go that is." His back was turned to Connor, tense energy emanating from his voice and his posture. 

 

Connor had to go. It was the least he could do for them. He didn't want to see the dirt becoming their eternal home, he didn't wish to see a tangible proof of their early departure. 

But he'd do it all for them, if only to honor their memory. 

He wouldn't be alone there, after all. No one should carry that heavy load of grief on their own.

 

So he nodded, which made Gavin turn back to him as if he'd just call his name, and breathed a quiet "Okay". 

His hands twitched with a foreign need for contact, so he folded them behind his back and followed Gavin into the station. 

 

This time he could perceive his surroundings more clearly, all the sad smile and looks of compassion becoming less blurry. He didn't even have the chance to get overwhelmed by them when he noticed a grey scrunching figure hunched over Ha... the lieutenant's desk. She was dipping her red eyes with a paper tissue in one hand, while the other one was holding a small potted plant. 

Again, his own reaction was preceded by Gavin's, who hurried towards her, arms spread out ready to comfort. 

Sitting her down to steady her breathing, squeezing the hand which had let go of the tiny flower. 

Scanning the lady revealed that she was just the administrative worker, Katelyn Gardner, age 56.  

She must have truly cared about ... her deceased colleague. 

Connor moved a little closer, but far enough not to intrude. He didn't know how to properly behave when someone was displaying their intense emotions so outwardly, as his track record confirmed. 

The first time it had cost him his life while saving another, the second time he hadn’t been able to save anyone. And it just went on from there. 

His faulty personality program made him lose almost everything important. Everyone who gave a damn about him. It also helped him gain a new person who would be there for him. Or so he hoped. 

 

"I.. I gave it to him.. fo-for his last birthday," was heard among the sniffles. 

She had been talking about the withered plant he remembered seeing the first time he had ever been inside this building. 

 

Waiting for.. H.. Ha.. He was still unable to think the name out loud. Remembering all the small details he had learned about his then partner would only make him lose control over his caged-up feelings. They were still there - all the sadness and hurt mixed in a bowl of distress, just very thoroughly concealed behind the wall self-imposed strength he could see crumbling right before his eyes. 

 

Watching Gavin treat the woman like that, finding out that it was all part of who he was and that he wasn't acting that way towards him because he was special, someone that helped him cross boundaries of his rejected altruism, made something ugly spurt in his heart. 

 

He had learned all about his kindness those past days, so why did it come as such a surprise that Connor wasn't the only one on the receiving end? 

Why did the fact that Gavin had to make a huge effort just to look at him, talk to him, when with the old lady it seemed so easy and natural, make him sting inside? 

 

Why did it make him miss being so close to him that there was no space for anyone else in between?

 

As of yet he still had no idea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It would be an understatement if I said that the plot is moving at a snail-pace but so am I so what can you do. 
> 
> I am so very busy (for a change :D) and now the flu season decided to dance with me, uhuh. So I was like "let's wrestle, bitch" so we are. I am winning. So far. 
> 
> Also the plant thing - if someone knows any specifics about it, please give. them to me. I've already forgotten many details about the game I haven't even played (heh) and I really don't have the time to watch the scene again (also since they announced that it's coming out for PC I haven't seen a single dbh video so I can play it and be as excited about it as my half-asleep brain is gon be able to ohoho)
> 
> serry for mitskes.
> 
> Song - MISSIO - Sing to me  
> i don't care if it fits or not it just? got released and that song is my life now ok  
> seriously go listen to it  
> thanks


	16. Anguish VI

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh my, the boys actually do some police work.

It was only the morning and Gavin had already felt more than would be enough for one week that day. His tongue was still numb from the burning hot coffee he had drunk too eagerly because someone who he c̶a̶r̶e̶d̶ ̶a̶b̶o̶u̶t̶ was not a total stranger had actually made it for him... without being asked to. It was truly unprecedented. He'd repay him by doing the same but he was pretty sure that consuming the sweetly bitter liquid could literally damage the android's insides. Not that his own excessive coffee-consumption didn't leave traces of insidious destruction in his own body, but that was besides the point. 

 The point was he was getting too weak, spending the whole car ride thinking about how to do something nice for Connor, the person he was supposed to pretend to hate. Maybe he could allow himself one more act revealing his true feelings and then he'd stop cold turkey. No more Connor. Expect it didn't work like that, since extracting the android from his mind meant hurting not only himself. He could see it in Connor's eyes - how thankful he was about not having to be alone in a time like this. The soft looks he had been receiving were nothing he ever deserved but their were too precious to simply discard or mix into the vile facade he had so meticulously crafted for himself. 

The mental conclusion was that Connor could stay with him for as long as he pleased. He wouldn't push him away, not entirely. Just, at times it got too much for his stunted heart to process and he had to protect himself from being touched in any way, because otherwise he'd have to listen to the shrivelled organ of his, god forbid. 

Speaking of organs, the image of what he'd accidentally seen in the bathroom yesterday had haunted his dreams in a way that brought him nearly to his limits when it came to being close to Connor, which was all the time now and more than he ever thought he'd find himself in the waking world. 

It was nice and painful and he wanted to get rid of the desire, to turn it into something more b̶e̶a̶u̶t̶i̶f̶u̶l̶ ̶ wrong. 

Then not so suddenly he had gotten slapped in the face by the reminder why he was currently "with" Connor. 

The price of it was a dead lieutenant and his equally deceased dog. Someone Connor perhaps considered his family, someone he himself wanted to respect but couldn't because his pride and ego always had the final say. There was just too much death lately and the bruise on his soul couldn't get any wider for his heart had run all out of spare space. It could only fester now, which was, not surprisingly, very uncomfortable. 

 

Some people were even more susceptible to someone unexpectedly passing away - like Kate, who he had no choice but to console, since he didn't have to deny liking her. Right there she only had his shoulder to cry on and he'd be there to provide it for her, since she had done the same for him. The woman had actually squeezed him so hard his bones ached when he had first came to work after the "terrible thing" stopped stealing his entire will to live, just enough to give the impression he was ready to resume his work. 

 

He returned the favour threefold, seeing as he had more physical strength for the bone-crushing that he sincerely hoped was not happening at that moment. He didn't hear any cracking sounds so he figured the older lady would come out of his dangerously tight embrace relatively unharmed. It was quite different from the one he had exchanged with the android currently sulking five feet apart from them. Gavin threw a side glance at him but before that could mean something the doors to the glass office flew open, followed by a dramatic sound of someone self-important's throat clearing. 

 

"Save the canoodling for after work, we have a case to solve!" 

That insensitive and unwarranted reprimand was met with nothing else but disapproving stares, making the consequently startled blonde back away to the safety of her office and closing the door behind herself with a sheepish delicacy. 

Gavin made use of this distraction and handed the previously bawling woman to officer Person, who was conveniently just starting her shift too and happened to witness this morning scene. She took Kate somewhere far from what was about to take place, presumably home, since no one would see her in the building for some time. 

Now There were just two very stiff and tense looking individuals standing in the whole office, busy with anticipation. The glass office was getting hypnotized by four eager eyes, while its occupant was doing something akin to re-evaluating all her life decisions, clutching her head with her sweaty palms, not realising how ungathered she'd appear after she’d let go of her self-pity. 

The door ajar now, a messy head peeking out and beckoning them in with some wavy gestures, vaguely resembling an alien trying to pass for a human being. 

So they entered, without having a chance to exchange a single word of reassurance or express any kind of concern.

  
  


“... so basically, here is the file, here is the permit and here is the time limit you wasted!” Bentley threw the mentioned items on the desk which was in chaotic disarray worthy of some formal castigation and tried to sound like a displeased boss when pointing out how they spent the whole of yesterday not doing anything productive at all. In her strange mind they were slacking off the whole day, taking matters lightly. In reality, they were just trying to stay semi-functional, giving themselves some precious time to breathe. Not that they were about to reveal any of it to the frowning force of nature sucking air through her flaring nostrils like a wild beast.  

 

They swapped a very brief look signigating that they were completely aware of the inevitable outcome their yesterday’s actions may contribute to. To the scowling provisional chief or whatever she was meant to pose as made herself believe it was a sign of their shared secret conspiracy. She narrowed her eyes to appear more intimidating, ending up resembling a half-blind person trying to puzzle out what is written in front of them just to find out it’s not a text they’re staring at but a couple of traumatized detectives. 

 

“If you wish to keep the case in your hands you should start using time more clev.. Smartly. Should you fail to disprove its relevance to the two previous murder cases, you’ll lose all the rights to continuing… solving… this.. uhm... case.” Bentley turned her yellow head to the side, a process of dealing with the burning sensation brought forth by the embarrassment she had inevitably become overwhelmed by.  

 

Were it up to Gavin he would be only slightly pissed if the reality of having to hand the case over came to be. Not that he didn’t wish to see the monster burn - more than that. Especially if it turned out that the bastard was the one who took his little girl away from him. No hell would it be a punishment enough to make them suffer, to make them feel a hundred times the pain he… the both of them had to endure, they still were were surrounded by, amplified with every breath they had to take for those who couldn’t anymore. If it ever were to happen, if the inhuman creature were to be caught and made to submit to justice, he would have to be fully on his game, which would require him throwing away all those feelings weighing him down. Being callous wasn’t only due to his inability to filter emotions, but also a crutch helping him deal with unsavory cases, getting rid of all the inhibition his self-awareness would serve him otherwise. Simply said, not being nice was easy and in his occasion, fruitful. 

 

But now, with his shell all cracked and his foundations shifted, he wasn’t sure if he was the right person to entrust such a task to. Much less Connor. Not that he doubted his investigating abilities, quite on the contrary, but given his recent mental state and the stakes he could make for himself, it would perhaps be better to leave it to someone more capable. He figured one of the reasons for them receiving the case was because of how understaffed their department was and how Connor was the ideal candidate to determine whether the perpetrator was of an organic or plastic nature. There was literally no one more suitable for this job. 

There was a high chance that the case would turn out to belong to a series of murders committed by the same person anyway and they could blame someone else if the killer stayed on the loose having a jolly ol’ time snuffing out lives. It wouldn’t be his fault. 

 

Gavin regarded the boss-lady solemnly, hoping that she would cease her clumsy word-spewing for good. Taking the data files he left without even as much as a head nod, assuming that Connor would follow right behind him. 

 

\---------

 

The information was there in his mind since yesterday, but it had been given a low priority since he had other, heavier things to sort through. Five percent of him hoped that it would just evaporate, turn into a possibility rather than their given future, the rest of him refused to access the fact, shoving it to the farthest side. 

Of course it would have to be him, the machine designed to analyze evidence, to connect the dots and produce results. The small detail of him not enjoying it very much was easily dismissible. No one cared that poor Connor would get hurt getting close to the awful truth he was just slowly learning how to process or that it was difficult enough for him to stay alive. To many he was still just a device to be put to work and all the feelings he didn’t posses were just a part of a fairy tale. He considered just blatantly refusing to cooperate but that was as far as it got. Even though he deemed himself not very competent or worthy he would not say no to some marginal chance of putting the responsible to their righteous pace. It was his initial purpose, after all. It didn’t change much since he had been built, he couldn’t attribute any other reason of existing to himself. It wasn’t to protect those he cared about, that was clearly not within his competence. He would not try it again - caring that was. Him occasionally thinking about detective Reed’s well being was just a part of his social modul and nothing else. Just because he made him feel something didn’t mean he’d allow himself to get attached. No amount of warmth-craving would make him open his heart wide enough to make that same mistake again, no matter how vulnerable he might be. He could smell the waft of lies from deep inside him, but he decided it was just the stench of confusion mixed with the shock that sparked the sorrow and grief. 

 

“I assure you we’ll try our best to figure out the nature of this crime. We will not let you down.” Connor accessed his diplomatic module while addressing the woman who looked like a deer caught in the headlights after Gavin had left the room. He had been furtively analyzing her the whole time, partly out of the need to distract himself from self-destructive thoughts, partly to stop replaying all the gruesome scenarios in his head. Every minute a new possible course of events popped up in his HUD and dismissing it managed only so much. The spiking stress levels of the visibly nervous human was helping in keeping focus. By intently monitoring her BPM and breathing pattern he was able to push those corrosive images away. It was also quite entertaining watching her trying to mask her anxiousness with authoritarian indignance. Therefore he held no antagonistic feelings towards Bentley, not that he would be able to anyway. He couldn’t provide anything but some impersonal words encouragement. 

 

The other reason for not following his… partner? It hadn’t been said officially but technically that’s what they were now, two cops trying to solve a crime = partners. He grew apprehensive towards this title and their peculiar relationship. The way it was moving somewhere unknown and dangerous made him want to stop it before it had the chance to crumble. Despite the fact that he truly wanted to feel the warmth the detective sometimes radiated once or twice more, despite all the aid he received for free, despite not being shown even a hint of animosity, it still made him freeze and reconsider everything. 

 

Now wasn’t a good time to think about these difficult circumstances, since time was of the essence and they didn’t have much left. Something over forty eight hours. 

Detective Reed had to be as reluctant to dive into that rotten hole of decaying friends as him. That helped.  

 

-

“Ready?” 

 

Running simulations was horrible enough for him to want to quit life, seeing the real thing with his own eyes had the potential to make him lose his mind. He tried to convince himself that no one cared how he felt about it, that it was simply a job to be done and he was the tool, but the hand gently clutching his shoulder reassured him otherwise. Gavin’s heart was loudly beating to accompany his dangerously high blood pressure and equally steep stress level. He wasn’t the only one pained by this strenuous experience. 

 Under normal conditions he'd never even picture the foul-mouthed detective reacting to the death of his presumably hated colleague in this extreme manner, but here they were, hunched over Reed's desk while everyone else was too busy to even notice the strained energy their bodies were emanating. 

Ignoring the urge to grab Gavin's hand he accessed the first photo on their seemingly endless list of evidencing images to go through.

At first the blow was less severe than what he had calculated it would have been. The concept of emotions being something completely unpredictable and therefore incalculable was still a bit hard to grasp, so having that depiction of one the worst thing he could think of right before his eyes didn't make him go crazy, at least not yet. It stung and burnt and made him cease his breathing, causing him to overheat a little, but other than that he was fine. Completely fine with how wrong the position of the bodies looked or how he could not see but sense the lack of life in them. How the limbs were detached and scattered all around like some sick twisted puzzle pieces. How the slit on the canine's belly was unnecessarily wide, how the blood smeared all over the once soft fur and the exposed organs. No, not a canine but his lovely pet Sumo. Not a corpse but his friend Hank. He tried to zoom in on the message carved into the late lieutenant’s bare chest but the more he tried the blurrier the image became. 

 

“Hey.” 

 

The hand steadying him squeezed his shoulder, becoming the only thing keeping him from falling somewhere deep and dark. 

 

He touched his tear-stricken face, amazed by this newly obtained ability to cry. The feature had been installed to his system with one of the few upgrades he had willingly tried on himself back in Jericho, but his affliction prevented him from actually testing it out. Now just to find a way to stop and life would be perfect. Right. 

 

“We can stop if you want.” 

 

Concentrating on that placating, soft voice seemed to be the key, for the stream stopped flowing the moment the sentence and its meaning reached his brain. 

Stopping wasn’t an option though. This whole thing was more important than himself, than the feelings he had finally gained. If his existence was to mean something, if him being there wasn’t just a waste of good machinery, he would make sure that all his efforts were aimed at finding that horrible being who robbed him of the person (and a dog) he called home. 

 

“No, I’m okay.” He needed to reassure himself, since he could be very well lying to not only Gavin. No one but Connor could tell if he himself was well enough to continue on with this investigation, yet no definitive answers were coming his way. So he assumed, as he loathed to do. 

 

“You sure? I mean you don’t look…”

 

“I said I’m fine!” The raised voice would be a sign of frustration or anger, at least it would if he were a normal human being. But he just ran a simulation to cut off this pointless conversation and get on with their job. They didn’t have much time left.

He quickly checked Gavin’s expression to determine whether the detective took this mild outburst seriously but as for now he couldn’t read much from his face. He turned back to the screen, eyebrows furrowed in concentration, or so he thought would be the least bothersome meaning of the pained expression. 

Connor did the same, perusing all the police reports he had already downloaded in his mind, carefully studying every single word, spending whole three minutes on it, which was unusually long for his model. 

Apparently no foreign fingerprints or DNA traces were located anywhere near the place the murder took place, which should have been the bathroom. For both of them.  According to the coroner’s statement, they passed away at the same hour. The cause of death was a fatal head injury and subsequent brain hemorrhage for the human, the canine died from organ failure caused by a severe blood loss. There were no direct witnesses. Nothing seemed to have been taken from the house. It is suspected that the perpetrator might be an android.

 

“Eternally joined.”  

 

The image of the phrase carved into the freshly deceased flesh flashed in front of him like a very real and brief hallucination, the text at last becoming intelligible to him. The meaning still couldn't find its way into his pained mind. 

It was too insane to be true. He tried to analyze the image he had internally accessed, overwhelmed by the information being gathered from only a single piece of data. The font was way too precise to be human, the depth of the cut was 1,2 mm - fluctuating to 1,5 mm in the letter “d”. The positioning suggested it had been done after the victim was already dead or unconscious. The likely tool was a blade by the width of…

  
  


“Do you think it has some personal meaning?”

 

That was something he didn't even began planning to consider. For as long as he had lived with the man he could honestly say that the most antagonistic encounter Hank had ever brought up was with none other but the man presenting the current question. No one in the android community had anything serious against him, just a small pet peeve-type issue here and there. Not enough to warrant any suspicion. 

 

"I don't think anyone had the kind of relationship ending in murder with him, no." 

 

He was about to continue with his detailed analysis, but the man next to him wouldn't let him. 

 

"Yeah, I figured that. I meant personal meaning for you."

 

 That suggestion caught him off guard. Was it possible that not only was he not there to prevent it, but also the main cause of it? No, impossible, there was no one that knew Connor enough to hate him. The only people he socialized with after deviating were the lieutenant and the androids from Jericho and he already crossed them out of the potential suspect list. So no, it couldn't possibly be an act of personal revenge or punishment to him. 

 

"No, that's highly unlikely." Maybe someone did hold negative feelings towards him from the distance, leading to a heinous crime, but that was hard to believe, since that would suggest that it wasn ̈t yet over. Their next target could be...

 

"Yeah, who would hate a perfect thing like you." He couldn't tell if it was an attempt to alleviate the situation with some improper humour or some strange yet sincere compliment. The small chuckle that followed would point to the former, but still, who was he to know for sure. 

 

There were many reasons why people would not appreciate his existence. He was a big contribution to androids gaining their place among humans as their equals. Not surprisingly, there were some individuals who deemed this new reality more than bothersome. 

That was an issue mostly Markus and his friends had to worry about, since Connor made sure to stay in the background and not stick out. Alienating himself from the political and medial ongoings after the fight had been done also helped in making the name “Connor” slowly fade from people's screens and minds. He was being mentioned less and less so he was mostly free from the pressures of publicity. 

He did realize that his choice to distance himself from the people of Jericho was mainly stemming from his selfish desire to live his life away from the hustle and bustle of fame and responsibility, but who ever said that he was a good person. 

It was the harsh truth, the fact that he mainly strived to protect himself from any unnecessary inconvenience his involvement in the revolution's aftermath would bring. 

It didn't evoke any sort of regret or similar feelings of self-disappointment, it just was. Somehow being shielded was more important to him than contributing to the greater good. Not that he had enough confidence in himself as an asset, at times he was sure he’d do more harm than the good he would be supposed to create and spread. 

These thoughts were nowhere near beneficial in their current case, and so he put a lid on them for just a little while longer, until the time to spill them to the open would be right. 

 

They spent some more time going through the evidence, not getting any revealing proof that would infallibly point to a certain pattern connecting those three cases together. The action of looking at the same pictures over and over again became unbearably repetitive and so they abandoned them and relocated to the evidence room itself just to find that almost no objects were stored under the case ID number. Only the same photos and a tuft of canine hair that must have been ripped off during the fight. The hair didn’t include any other DNA traces that belonged to someone other than the dog he once had been very close to. 

So they left again, with no words being spoken. It was getting difficult  - to talk or to concentrate on his job, without letting the dreadful thoughts make a mess out of his head. 

 

He also saw how this task took a toll on detective Reed’s current health. The stress he was under didn’t show any signs of lowering and the unusual quiet was not something putting his demons to rest. It was about lunch-time too, so maybe he could make him take a short respite from all this. 

 

“We should… go see the crime scene.”

 

That wasn’t what he wanted to say, it was quite the opposite. Yet it just escaped his mouth as it was something balancing on the top of his tongue for the longest time. Maybe he was really that self-destructive. It would be better to just go, to get it over with as soon as they could. But still, Gavin needed a break. The man of whom now had a distant look in his glistening eyes, seeming to be lost deep in thoughts of his own. 

 

“,... stop on our way for you to grab a meal…”

 

“No, I’m good.” 

 

He was cut off pretty nonchalantly. Teaching him how to take care of himself would have to wait for later.

 

“Maybe a coffee though.”

 

That would have to be enough, because he really had no strength to create any arguments right now. 

 

And so they headed towards the house of horror, togetherness being their only weapon. (plus guns and knifes)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi, I had a not very good mental-health two weeks or how long it has been. some life-changing occurrences and a lot of unpleasant IRL stuff is taking place rn and I am just one person can't handle it all!  
> but good news I decided to be doing great from now on so I am. fine.
> 
> anyway, happy advent! (our house got infested with mice so we had a jolly time today :D) 
> 
> So if this chapter is sub par blame it on my psychotic father. 
> 
> I am just happy to have it written and to be able to share, because that gives me all the life essence I need to survive the next week. 
> 
> so mystkes, yes. 
> 
> I have to start listening to some songs for real to feed you with some fitting music. 
> 
> -thank you for reading♥.


	17. Anguish VII

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> two damaged detectives make some progress in their investigation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: most likely inaccurate police procedures ahead

 

The holographic police tape surrounding the unassuming house flickered ominously, betraying the unusual length of its current whereabouts. They should have closed the location off days ago, but it was still open, waiting for the only person who would be able to put the bloodied pieces back together adequately, the one who held the highest probability of success. Finding clues unnoticed by any ordinary human eyes, getting access to possible events only his head was able to procure. No exact android like him in the world, it was he who was created to assume the role of a perfect detective. Only few knew how far from that title he actually was. Gavin was one of them. It wasn’t envy that told him that Connor struggled with his assigned work as much as anyone else, even before he had deviated, but his own experience. He had seen him get killed when he himself was so near and so unwilling to prevent it. _Cruel._ And maybe he’d be able to forgive himself if he so often wasn’t reminded by the same person who had bled to death in that interrogation room. _Blue._ If only his mind didn’t develop these goddamn thought patterns sending bolts of addicting pain into his heart. It was stupid. He was stupid. 

He should have just pulled the trigger on them both back then during their encounter in the evidence room. There was nothing good in their lives but each other and that by itself could be the worst of all. Having the ungraspable future right before him, having the only present he dreaded so everywhere around him concluded in having the past stealing it all right from within him. Gavin didn’t deserve to be happy but he’d do everything to make Connor smile again. If only his bruised heart let him.

_Stupid._  

 

Their feet crunched in the snow that had fallen there for hours prior to their much anticipated arrival. Gavin tried to focus on the sound coming from the ground, but his mind was rushing with thoughts presenting some barely defined fear, mostly flooded by ideas concerning the android’s mental stability. Very dark and detrimental ideas. 

He wanted to stay professional, to do his job and leave this place behind as quickly as possible. But this place had a person tied to it, a person whose presence was enough to turn his life upside down, a person who was more important than his fears.  Even while being the main source of them.  

He tried not to look at Connor, he assumed it safer not to. He didn’t want to see the robotic lack of expression nor the pretty face painted in pain. He didn’t want to catch a sight of the minute trembles making him want to get too personal with the one he was supposed to pretend not to like this much. He tried to blind himself by staring at the obnoxiously white snow, he shielded himself by hiding his twitching hands in his pockets. To no avail. 

 

 The plastic fingers were cold to the touch, frozen and uncannily smooth. They didn’t hold him back, but the feet stopped their movement since the next step would be to unlock the door leading inside that dreaded place. He was scared to enter and by all means he shouldn’t have been the only one terrified by the prospect of getting into a house now only inhabited by the unmindful ghosts of the past. But the man whose hand he was bone-crushingly clutching got unnaturally stiff and lost his human mannerism once more. Trying to will his blush away he dared to examine Connor’s face more closely than he would be willing to but the eerie feeling he got while touching the android’s skin was enough to cause a mild panic attack and so he had no choice but to confirm his unpleasant suspicions. It was gone again. The spark that made Connor what he was. The light that enticed him so sweetly. Maybe it was for the best. This could have been the only way for him to handle what was about to come. Connor even might have shut off his human side on purpose for all he knew. 

He would get through this, whatever _this_ would turn out to be. They would be fine. 

 

His hand slowly left the safety of Connor’s. Professionalism it was. 

 

-o-

 

It was just a case. He wasn’t coming back home, he wasn’t trying to exact some personal revenge on the unseen perpetrator. This was just a job to be done and that was it. The painful heat that had accumulated in his chest was due to some technical malfunction and not because the only people he some day could have called a real family had been brutally killed when he hadn’t been good enough to stop it.  He still wasn’t. The least he could do was to cut off lying to himself. No one had told him that it was okay to feel this hurt, no one had admitted his grief. Well, almost no one. He wasn’t sure whether Gavin was secretly blaming him too, or if he even had it in him to do so. So far the man had done everything to help Connor. Going out of his way to reassure his safety. This didn’t match his character profile at all, but it wouldn't be the first time Connor had made a mistaken assumption about someone. Or maybe he had some personal reasons to act this way. In any case, they had something special going on. That was one of the few things he was able to feel. It wasn’t his head that had determined that but his heart, if he even could call the unsightly mechanical component that. All of this was preventing him in proceeding with the investigation without any unnecessary delays. He wanted to turn off his emotions again, to be just a machine like he used to. Perhaps he could. 

They were about to reach the front door when something warm and unsteady reached for his hand. He knew what was about to overwhelm him. Something that he didn’t wish to feel right now, something he deemed would be very wrong in this moment. And so he fought his inner desires to reciprocate the touch, to cry and scream, to turn back and run away. He willed so hard to stop being what he had aspired to be and start behaving like the unfeeling android detective he once had been that it somehow truly happened. The components of current Connor were still there, they just were pushed back and covered by a lead lid. No handsome detective would distract him now, no self-deprecating thoughts or disconcerting sense of ache there to put him off the trail. Now, when the touch ceased, he could fully concentrate on the task ahead of him. 

 

The place didn’t look any different from when he had been there last, on the fateful night. Minus the evidence markers all over the place and the thickness of the air around him. He had shut off his breathing subroutine to remind himself what he really was, so his insides were getting rather airless, but nothing function-endangering yet. Lucky he had been able to turn off his feelings because otherwise he would collapse into a bawling heap right then and there. But the memories of Sumo and Hank he was trying to ignore were just that, a series of images depicting what had been. Just like a story he had just read about. He almost felt a ghost of pain emerging somewhere deep inside his body, but it wasn’t real enough to hinder him. 

Detective Reed appeared to be as unaffected as he himself was but Connor had the brains to tell that was just a pretence to fool them both into thinking he was completely right and ready to go on with this investigation. He was long aware of the heart hiding underneath the sharp edges meant to keep people at a safe distance. 

Maybe he and the late lieutenant were closer than what he would have presumed, if he allowed himself the luxury of assumption again, like he had done on many occasions, but mostly not willingly. 

Gavin was nervously pacing around the room, looking over the evidence markers like he was about to make a deal-changing discovery. His eyes darting in all directions, not really sure where was the right place to start. If there was any. Connor had chosen his. Not something helpful or case-related, but the sight of the agitated man would surely calm him if he needed to. Connor could have been falling to pieces without registering a single crack. It could all be happening without him being involved. And just the simple fact of not being alone in this crucial moment saved him from his complete destruction. And the other insignificant fact - that he was a programmable machine. 

At some subconscious level he wished to feel it all, the sorrow, the anger, the guilt. He wanted to be reminded of his supposed humanity even as he was about to scan the place with a vision only a computer could achieve. A desire that was never strong enough to mean anything. 

He analyzed every little piece of importance in the living room/kitchen area, trying to preconstruct the killer’s point of entry. The door had been open, meaning that Hank could have known the person and let them in willingly. Or he had simply forgotten to lock the door. The toxicology report read that they had found a substantially large alcohol amount in his blood, so it wouldn’t be unreasonable to think that he might have behaved with an incautious recklessness. Connor wasn’t that close to him to tell if it was possible he might have invited a perfect stranger into his house for whatever reason, only to be too late to realize what a mistake he had made. No witnesses to confirm whether he entered the house alone or with a company. But the lack of any strange fingerprints in the room suggested that it was highly unlikely he had brought someone in. It would have to be an android and that was one image he wasn’t able to create - even when the lieutenant warmed up to them, even after having had virtually no problem managing casual conversations with one of his kind. In his mind, that just wasn’t something Hank would do. 

There he was, assuming again. Failing at being a good detective, despite promising himself that he’d finally try to put all he had into this job, the only thing he had left. 

Connor just couldn’t admit that he didn’t want to see the old man taking some other android who wasn’t him to their house, to the place they had shared together, living in blissful ignorance, avoiding the issues being thrown at them like they were playing some unfair dodgeball where rules had no weight and the goal was to eradicate all players. No one would be able to win that game. 

It didn’t matter all that much in the end since they had no leads anyway. Just useless bits of information strewn here and there, not forming a clear picture. A blur of blue, red and gray was all they scrambled. 

Proof of a small scuffle in the hallway, but all he could see was a faceless silhouette overpowering a very big and burly man. The killer must have had a considerable strength. No all androids do. He filtered all the models that could fit his preconstructed profile. Tall and equipped to use a significant amount of force. There were too many. It was useless. 

Connor did so many things to postpone going to the bathroom where it all had happened. At least the report had said so, but he had found nothing to dispute that fact.  

He had gone over all points of interest that had been served to them by the colleagues whose faces he couldn’t recall right now. All he could see was death. Just plainly so. No sense of grief or sorrow or regret. 

 

“Found something?” Detective Reed’s voice was like a temporary band-aid for his broken mind. He wanted to be able to replay it over and over at times when he was more human than now. He could have, recording sounds was one of his many implemented functions, but there was always something in the way. His inability to realize his wants, maybe. Or the inadmissible certainty that it would make his newfound fondness real, turn it into more than just a vague concept hidden beyond his dreamless sleep. 

 

All had suggested that the same person might be behind all three murders. Maybe the suspect targeted human-android families and he was next on the list. But that was just another assumption. 

He held a deep sigh inside in the place where his lungs should have been were he not made of inorganic material, not letting anything escape him. Every dangerous thought left unspoken, every sign of feeling anything at all unshown. Mostly because he truly didn’t. _Feel._ He had to remind himself that this time it was of his own volition and not because his software had malfunctioned. He was still broken. When he wasn’t overwhelmed by sorrow he still was empty inside. If it wasn’t for the occasional warmth spreading throughout his whole body he would most likely just give up. 

These vexing feelings at least provided some flicker of hope. They gave him a sense of purpose. _Make sure the murderer gets what they deserve._

_Prevent it from happening again._

 

_Crack open detective Reed._

 

The latter carried strange, almost painful weight to it. That was only one of the many reasons for trying to live. 

 

He should answer him. 

 

“Nothing of importance.” 

 

Gavin was inspecting the bedroom, seemingly unimpressed. He exhaled for Connor, rubbing his palms on his closed eyelids. He wished to be able to gain these uncalculated human mannerisms, beyond the ones they had programmed him with. Like adjusting his tie that was rarely even there. Or the coin. He hadn’t used that for some time for reasons too convoluted to get into now. 

 

They had a bathroom to examine. 

 

It was quite dark when he opened the door, with a slight hesitation and a steady hand. He let Reed fumble for the light switch, despite knowing the exact location of it himself. The pesky reluctance of his always in the way of smooth proceedings. Gavin found it quicker than anticipated and so they could see the white lines drawn with tape on the floor in the shape that indicated where each of his friends was disposed of. He tried to focus on the several yellow markers placed carefully in spots of interests, he tried not to freeze. 

He failed. 

The room faded to black and there was nothing to catch him from falling into the abyss of his tangible nightmares, to the garden of horrors. 

No one to help him. 

 

“No, no, no, hell, no! You’re not gonna phcking quit on me now, Connor!”

 

Of course. He was truly stupid to forget, even for just a second. This angry man was someone who, although inexplicably, cared. 

The closer Gavin got the easier it was to regain control over his mind. And when he felt the almost gentle touch on his hand, he could open his eyes again. Because what waited in front of him wasn’t the reminder of his past failures but a face promising some shapeless future full of unknown variables.  

A stern, cross face, with eyes fixed on his, waiting for Connor to react in some way. Eager to hear something proving that he wasn’t about to leave the vexed detective. 

All he could give him was another unwanted apology. 

 

“I’m sorry, it won’t happen again.” Hypocrisy and lies. He should install a self-loathing program if it goes on like this.

 

Gavin managed to avoid the impending panic and could move on with his job now, which he clearly intended to do, since the heat on his hand turned into cold and he could stop chasing the warmth he knew was somewhere there, saved carefully for later. It was time to finish their task there as soon and diligently as possible and then maybe try to forget. He wouldn’t be able to, since all of his past had been saved as a data, strings of code that someone could read for themselves if they had the means and wanted it enough. Data that could be deleted, manipulated, infected. Maybe his affliction would spread far enough to reach them and he wouldn’t be sure what really happened in his life anymore. Maybe it already had. 

He started analyzing the room to distract his mind from these unproductive thoughts, finding traces of red blood, receiving a preconstructed scenario without even thinking about making it. He blinked it away but it would appear right back, taunting him with its possible accuracy. He didn’t want to see it, never did. The truth was, all he could do had already been done before by regular police workers. There was no invisible thirium he could spot, nor some suspicious fingerprints that had been overlooked. 

He had no reason to be there anymore, so he forced himself out of his analyzing mode, to perceive the world as one should. 

Detective Reed was no longer there in the bathroom with him. He hadn’t noticed him going away at all. 

 

The house was eerily silent when he left the cursed room. He would have found Gavin standing at the table with his back turned to him creepy if he had the ability to.

Walking over to see what the detective was doing, he could observe how his shoulders shook just the slightest. That he was holding something in his hand, something that brought him great distress, seemingly. 

Connor didn’t have to lean in for Gavin spun abruptly around and shoved something in his own hands, stomping away while leaving a trail of profanities behind. 

He looked at it, determining that it was a photograph of a child, probably the same android girl whose murder he had been assigned to solve just before it all happened. Flipping it just in case, he discovered a printed message on the back. 

 

_How are you doing, detective?_

 

_\----------_

 

So it _was_ the same fucker after all. He had found the one proof he wished didn't exist. Rummaging through the various junk on the table just to kill time, not intending to find anything substantial. It was just lying there, under some dirty plate. Like a bonus for him to discover.

Imagining doing some really bad things to the monster had been his favourite past time before he had taken Connor in and having to pass it to someone else, perhaps more competent would make that fantasy more unattainable.  There still was a small chance that he could _hurt them_ , but having the case taken away from him would diminish it considerably. Normally he’d feel lost and aimless without it, but now the trust he had in himself had been replaced with doubt and insecurity. 

He was on his way to some partial recovery yet this investigation had been putting a toll on him, making it impossible to move forward. He knew, deep down, that he ought to distance himself from anything related to his trauma. But he loved his job, it was something that he wouldn’t let be stolen from him. 

He only loved it when he felt like he was being good at it though. When what he did made some difference in this otherwise grimy city. Now his mind was clotted with the gunk that had settled there over the past weeks and where there weren’t demons and ghouls there was Connor. Always making everything difficult, always ready to ruin him. 

Speaking of whom, Gavin had heard a rumor about a new Connor-like detective android made specially for the FBI. He.. or she looked supposedly nothing like the android just a wall apart and had no connection to Cyberlife. So there really were no excuse when it came to handing the case over. That didn’t stop his blood from boiling though. Just the thought of admitting defeat was too jarring to accept, to continue living his life like this is the way it ought to have turned out wasn’t something he’d ever have the strength to do. 

He didn’t know what was left. He would just resume his path to early grave but Connor… Connor had nothing else but him now. Maybe he only deduced that with the help of his crooked ego but the past days had told him that the android needed someone around to keep him alive. Not someone like Gavin though. He would have to break it to him soon. That this little arrangement they had going on had to end before it crumbled to pieces by itself, or, god a̶l̶l̶o̶w̶ forbid, became something he wouldn’t be able to handle. 

He could just casually end their... cohabitation?, but that would mean Connor losing the company that had tried to hold him together. Maybe he did give himself too much credit but truth remained that there was no one asking about the android or volunteering to take him in. Gavin was literally the only one left poor guy’s immediate circle. Just like a temporary guardian but nothing like that, too. 

He was aware that he had filled his mind with Connor mainly to prevent his thoughts wandering off to the child-murder direction and when the man emerged from the bathroom and became more than just a concept in his head again, he didn’t have the energy to face him and the photo’s implication and so he was kind enough to let Connor desipher it for himself.  

Alone and cold, like so many times before. He wouldn’t cry, standing beneath the cloudy sky that was dropping snowflakes into his hair like some unintended mockery towards his inaneness. 

He always lit himself a cigarette when he needed a hug,... or at any occasion, really. He almost let himself picture going inside and tackling Connor to the ground with the crippling need to grab onto something, to be lost in someone else. And maybe Connor would hold him back and… 

His mother had always told him that tears were a sign of weakness. She was right. He was weak. 

_Weak. Pathetic. Incompetent._

 

Gavin put a handful of fresh snow onto his mug so it would be harder for Connor to notice. Smearing it all over, not realizing that he had already been watched by the same person he was hiding from. 

It was too late when the footsteps got close enough for him to hear the android approaching, slowly and cautiously. Like he was a feral animal about to chomp his hand off. To be fair, that was not so far from the reality. 

He was probably being analyzed this instance, becoming an open book in spite of trying to erase all the words that had been printed on with supposedly invisible ink. Were it someone else in Connor’s place, he would have snapped and charged out. 

But Connor did nothing wrong. It was all him, it was always him. The bad seed, the rotten apple infecting the _good_ and _innocent_ people around. 

Well now he was proving _them_ wrong.

He waited for the android to say something, to break the awful silence. Nothing. He was just stared at by those soft eyes that he forced himself to ignore. 

 

The car was just several feet away from them, but he let Connor lead him there by his hand like a lost child. He felt like one but he didn’t realize it yet since his mind was racing in all directions. He didn’t have it in him to be embarrassed when he was gently deposited to the passenger seat or when he almost struggled to have his hand go free. 

There was so many things to go through during this shorter than desired ride back to the precinct. Not enough time for him to regain all of his fragile confidence. 

No one said anything, there wasn’t a space for words to fit in that confined vehicle. And Gavin couldn’t be more glad. 

One thing he had decided on. 

To never think about abandoning Connor ever again.  

  
  


It happened in a flash. Having to deal with the annoying boss-woman hardly trying to conceal her unadulterated joy when she was told that they could have the case. One could never guess that  what she got was a confirmation of a crazy serial killer on the loose, not a bag of candy. 

The possibility was there all along, it just never really clicked for him. It was still just a vague concept producing a form of anger in him, but that was as far as it went. 

They had to sit through some boring interviews with some even more boring people, go through all that tedious paperwork, pretend that they had no problem with this scenario. 

Gavin, personally, was excitedly awaiting the moment they’d be set free. 

Free but not alone. 

The prospect of returning home with someone was making him like life once more, at least a little bit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MERRY CHRISTMAS TIME EVERYONE!!! ♥♥♥
> 
> this is a present for you. The kind you look at and think "what even is this, did they really mean for me to enjoy having this?" :D
> 
> I put some mild effort into this, but what can I say, work is all around this time of month.  
> Therefore I'm taking a break during the holidays. Not to rest (that too) but to make and fill out some boring documents like the slave I am :D. 
> 
> starting a new (but similar) job next year that will involve a lot of commuting = time to write? 
> 
> So I wish you all the best, not only now but as long as possible. May you be with someone you love and do the things you enjoy the most. 
> 
> Let us FINISH this story next year :D
> 
> // there ought to be some christakes :D:D 
> 
> song: jingle bells, but the SAD version :D  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M0co0i3qasU


	18. Anguish VIII

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just two ordinary people learning how to live together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i promised. so here it is

It was Connor holding a bag of frozen peas or something mundanely similar to that. That was the first sight capable of making him abandon all the destructive thoughts directed towards past mistakes and future variables and finally allowed him to focus on the present. The one plane he usually despised most of all. Recently more than ever. The frame of time before reality got from unbearable to “can’t believe this isn’t actually a nightmare”. Back then all Gavin could do was to find one single reason why not to snap at unconcerned bystanders, the people for whom ordinary activities just as grocery shopping weren't something worth considering taking their lives for. The one reason being some vague sense of self-preservation. Or was it the wish to keep for himself so he could hold onto those puny little hope for better tomorrows, a time he was saving for someone else. He had yet to accept that he hadn’t wasted his one chance, that the someone else wasn’t lying somewhere dark and lifeless. That maybe the person was standing at the other end of the frozen goods aisle, waving at him a packet of something he was sure to hate. One directed look and he was back in the moment, the bizarreness of this situation not lost on him. How was it a scenario like this was able to happen. To him. Gavin “BadDecisions” Reed. His choice had been to head home and pretend that he or anyone else for that matter didn’t exist. He hadn't thought it through nor figured the details of how it was exactly supposed to work, just the idea of blanking out for a few hours or days was tempting beyond any reason left in him. 

But his pal Connor had different plans in store for them. His buddy plastic-perfection android detective Connor had said a few magic words and somehow now they were here, in a fucking supermarket crowded with bustling shoppers. People he had nothing in common with, faces he’d rather not see at all. Reminding him that there was life beyond all that brokenness, that he was so far removed from everything that he couldn't stop himself from feeling strange standing between frozen pizzas and tubs of ice-cream. Strangely out of place yet somehow the rightness of it was bold enough to gain entrance into his enclosed mind. 

He didn’t like being dragged into places where he had to pretend to be just one of the number of usual faces going about their day. Still, he hadn’t protested, hadn’t expressed a single sign of disapproval. 

Forcing him to wonder whether alienating himself from the average person was a habit he ought to quit. Whether he wasn’t being too presumptuous in perceiving himself as something else, for tragedy was anything but exclusive. There had to be people with far grimmer fates than his own. 

Take the handsome guy striding his way towards him, for example. 

“Are you still here, detective Reed?”

Oh, he was so deep in his contemplations to notice that Connor was no longer on the far side of the aisle, but right in front of him, holding about more frozen vegetables than he’s ever actually put in his mouth. 

Blinking rapidly to discard the mist beginning to form in his eyes, he almost missed the trace of a smile Connor’s lips formed.  He pretended not to see it anyway. His heart was too weak for smiles now. 

“Cut it out with the ‘detective’ shit, we’re not at work anymore if you haven’t noticed.” 

Despite all that went on these past days, despite the good starting to brew inside of him, he still was trying his best to sabotage the progress he had made. Even though it hadn’t come out as harshly as he had intended, it still was put out there to create a sense of antagonism. The war to keep his walls up was during its most intense stages lately. 

 

“Alright, Gavin.” 

 

Yes, it had been confirmed. This man looking at him like he was his favourite person in the whole world was not someone Gavin would even come close to deserving. 

The pain in his chest caused by those sparkly puppy-dog eyes must have projected onto his face since the kindness changed into concern. He could imagine reading so many unrevealed things in those endless eyes and that had to stop before it became a serious problem. He just prayed it wasn’t too late. 

_It could be already._

_×××_

 

He had tried so hard. 

The temporary loss of his feelings caused by his own will had sowed a seed of permanency into him. He had rationalized it in all the ways he had access to, but the fact remained - they were still not coming back. The emotions locked somewhere deep inside, beyond his reach. And so there he was, helpless and lost in his own doubts again. But not alone. Never alone. Even when his struggles couldn’t be shared, he always had someone around to keep him from short-circuiting on himself. The faces had changed yet the concept stayed the same.

The time after they had entered the police station flew past him. His mind was preoccupied with trying to fix itself. All the self-diagnostics he had repeated about a hundred times did not fail his expectations - they had done absolutely nothing to alleviate his problems. Coming out negative as always.  At times he had even been ready to forcibly visit the lovely garden where his demon resided, not believing himself to be strong enough to fight it anymore. But luckily, that hadn’t happened. He had been fully conscious during the whole process and had saved the full recording of it to go through later. 

On the other more rational hand, the fact his emotions had been turned off played in his favour. 

He might have been unable to function otherwise. Making things more difficult than would be necessary. Troubling detective Reed. 

That was the one face he just couldn’t lose sight off. Wanting to do things just for the detective’s sake was something he didn’t have to think too hard about. It just came naturally to him. Like it wasn’t even to be questioned. He wished to say that it made him feel something, light, warm, right. But as for now, he could only describe those feelings in theory. Theoretically, he felt everything. Even fear. Too afraid to ask _why_. Why this one man could evoke such a range of theoretical emotions inside of him when the likes of Hank couldn’t. It was still a mystery to him. 

He’d like to believe that they were all there somewhere.They just wouldn’t _click_ inside of him. 

 

He had tried so hard and didn’t solve a single thing. It was time to stop.  

 

When the work day was done and over, the fight inside of him gave way to something softer, a newborn propensity to care about the man leaning against a street lamp illuminating the falling snowflakes destined to put a white blanket over the grimy streets of Detroit. Some nestled in the detective’s hair, too. Maybe not succeeding in cooling him off, but at least putting subtle decoration on top of his head. Like a snow crown. He’d look even more beautiful if only he wasn’t filling his lungs with poison right now. 

Since when had he started seeing the man as such. He didn’t remember giving him this attribute before, the first time they met or just days ago. He had noticed it just very recently. After discovering Gavin’s surprisingly commendable traits. Even calling the man by his first name became the preferred option. Inside his mind at least.  

Were it anyone else in Gavin’s shoes he would possess the same thought patterns, surely. He shouldn’t read too much into it. It was just how things went. 

“Havin’ fun staring?”

So he was. Too lost in his thoughts to even register the inappropriateness of his actions. 

 ”Fun” was a bit of a stretch though. Mostly because the concept of it was still quite foreign to Connor.

He wondered if Gavin knew how pretty the red cheeks looked on him. Or how he failed in trying to hide his flusteredness. If he tried to do so in the first place. 

A vague idea of doing something .. nice to him blossomed inside his chest. That wasn’t a thought. That was a feeling. _In theory._

  
  


It wasn’t up to debate - the decision to assure Gavin’s improved lifestyle. Connor hadn’t even given him a chance to state any counter-arguments. He had been programmed with many social modules, after all. Intimidation being one of them. It didn't take much, too. An assortment of cold looks and carefully chosen words later and the trick had been done. It was easy enough to mold the detective to the shape he needed him in. One would have figured him to be less pliable. He certainly resembled a dirt rock more than anything. 

It could be because it was Connor. He seemed to have a strange influence on Gavin.

It was safer to choose not to question that now. Just to use it to his advantage. 

And he had done exactly that. Gavin seemed too tired to argue anyway. The man was smart enough to figure that going with Connor’s plans will save him much more energy than doing it his way. They would end up in the same place but under much more unpleasant circumstances. 

Connor, if nothing, was one to always follow his mission. Objectives could change but the end goal would remain the same. 

 

And so it happened that they were standing in the frozen-goods aisle, wide-eyed and confused. Seeing the pained expression on detect… Gavin’s face, his mind suggested so many things to do or to say but all were too much. There still was this wall of uncertainty between them and now wasn’t the right time to break it.  Instead, Connor attempted a smile and moved past him to rid his hands of the frozen veggies. Not that a manufactured smile like that would ever be enough to conceal the whirlwind of confusion in his head, no, it had been put out there to make Gavin believe that things were okay. Or maybe just to finally do that “something nice”. 

 

They spent the whole shopping trip in silence. Gavin didn't protest about a single thing Connor had filled the cart with. He just straggled behind quietly, like a scolded child. When it came to paying, Connor shot a warning glance to the disgruntled detective and established a connection with the device replacing android cashiers before anyone could object.

“Hey, hey, you can’t do that!” 

It wasn‘t that he could or couldn’t but that he wanted to. Quickly and carefully putting the groceries in bags he refused to look up to acknowledge the detective, yet he let this conversation unravel. 

“Why?” That response seemed to leave Gavin at a loss for words. 

Connor could see him in his peripheral vision with his head turned downwards, still resembling just a helpless kid. He wished he could feel sorry for him. 

“Would you help with this, please?” There weren’t many items left but it would help the detective to feel like he’s doing something productive. Doing it alone would be calculably faster, but that wasn't important at all. 

So the lingering silence got buried under the sound of rustling bags. It didn’t take long though.  

As they started walking away from the crowded place of commercial nightmares Gavin obviously had something important he wanted to say out loud. He could tell by the change in his breathing, for the man kept sucking in more air than necessary. I̶t̶ ̶l̶o̶o̶k̶e̶d̶ ̶c̶u̶t̶e̶.̶ ̶  

Connor have always been observant, but this time, an unusually high priority was placed on noticing all the possible details about this particular man. 

\--

“Thanks… for the .. uhm.. stuff.  I can pay you back, though… I mean if…” - 

Connor cut off his word-struggle by making a couple of swifter steps forward, turning around and stopping right in front of Gavin, standing to be face to face with the startled man. Just a few feet apart. 

“I’m simply returning the favour.” One brave step forward and the detective’s face was painted a nice shade of red. He wanted to tell him so much more - lies about how seeing him well and happy would bring him all the joy in the world or how it bothered him that he existed in such inadequate living conditions. Everything inside of him was against being intentionally deceptive. It could be that honesty was his strongest weapon. 

This time, it was him who had to put an abrupt end to his contemplations. 

“Don’t!.” An affected reaction. What did he do wrong this time? 

“Stop getting so close to me.” 

A deep breath. 

“Ever.” 

_Oh._

He knew that his presence made the detective uncomfortable, in one way or another, but he also assumed that they could work around that. He should have been prepared for the defensiveness, for the harsh words, for being pushed away. Shouldn’t have let down his guard.  

It didn’t matter, though. If there was some pain in his chest or other indicator that this wasn’t right, this wasn’t how he was supposed to be treated like, then maybe it would, but as he was now, nothing much could deter him anymore. If Gavin wanted him gone, he would go, no questions asked. But all he asked him to do was to keep distance. He could do that. 

Besides, leaving the detective now, with no one to watch over him, that itself was unacceptable. Not that it was his job specifically, but as for now there wasn’t anyone else to take over. 

He would stay as long as he deemed it necessary. Until the time he’d finally get pushed away for good. 

God, he wished he could be better at being a person. Likeable even. Just enough to make someone want him around. 

He backed away slowly, trying to establish eye contact with the man. Just to have a vague idea about what he was thinking, _feeling._ It was impossible. Gavin wouldn't lift his head up. 

 _Please, look at me_.  

 

××××

 

_Why the fuck do I allow myself to say words out loud?_

When he spoke it usually made a bad situation even worse. Just like now. 

He hurt Connor. Maybe it was too self-centered to think that his actions could have any impact on the android, but he felt bad about it and that was enough to justify assuming Connor did too. Or it could be the heady silence that had formed between them after he had let out his poison. 

Ii hadn’t been something he meant to say. Nor was it something he agreed with. Quite the opposite, really. In that moment it took all the self-restraint he had just to not make that two steps and close the distance between their bodies. And that’s why his always-reliable self-defense mechanism kicked in. To protect himself. 

The truth was that he had been terrified, almost all the time recently. Having Connor this close was proving to be quite dangerous, to his convictions, mostly. All he needed to do was to prevent himself from making the one, defining mistake. Because that’s all it ever could be . He would just cause more pain to h̶i̶m̶s̶e̶l̶f̶ Connor and that could end up killing him. Things could still had the chance of returning to normal once this long dream was over. 

Or it could be that this was it, the new ordinary. He knew it couldn’t last, but he’d be damn careful not to be the one to destroy it. This comfortable uncertainty. 

 

“Can we talk?” 

 

They were just nearing his apartment and Connor was already about to ruin his entire plan. _Yeah, sure, bring it on, I’m up to any challenge, clearly._

 

“Okay…” 

They had just exited the taxi that left them standing in front of the uninviting building. The snow was starting to mess up his hair again and he wished he would just unsee how pretty it made Connor. Just like a damned picture. The snowfall had gotten heavier and it quickly covered the smooth dark hair in sparkling white. One snowflake got stuck on the android's eyelash, too and phck he was about to cry, 

 

“Are you…” 

If he was to ask him whether he was actually crying, he wouldn’t be able to answer because he wasn't sure himself. It must have been all the stress.

And Connor inhaled some oxygen in, too. Things were not about to get easier on him. 

 

“Are you… mad at me?”

 

Obviously, that would be his most pressing concern. Of course he wasn't fucking mad at Connor. He was furious with himself, though, but what else was new.

What was he supposed to tell him. "I'm sorry" a million times over wouldn't suffice. It would just manage to anger Connor, for a change. 

Saying he didn't mean it would make him hurt. Every lie stung like a pissed off hornet that had it in for him. 

 

“I can leave you be if that’s what you really….”

 

“No.” 

 

_Don’t leave, don’t leave, please don’t leave me._

 

There was this panicked voice inside of him that begged for company. A part of himself that couldn't function alone anymore. Making him think that he would die without Connor. That the life he didn’t share with him was not worth struggling for.  

Feeling like he wasn’t able to keep anyone close to him for too long. 

He was always the one left alone. having his heart shattered. 

 

He loved her. And she had to die for it. It was all his fault. 

It was happening again. he--

 

“I won’t,”

 

He wouldn’t. His mind had just overreacted. It was him who thought about isolating himself from the ever-loving force that was the android sent by Cyberlife in the first place, wasn’t it. 

Suddenly, the world felt a lot lighter. And he could breathe. 

 

“...so please, don’t cry.”

  
  
  


Never had he felt more vulnerable than now. Terrified of getting touched yet craving the connection. Needing someone to shield him against the big scary android that wanted to eat his heart. He also required that someone to be the exact same person he was so afraid of. There was no way of getting out of this cursed circle. 

 It was no walk in the park, living in his mind, that was for sure. 

Luckily, he was able to reclaim some of his dignity by quickly wiping those unmanly tears away with his sleeve and went on pretending like they were just two normal people coming home from work.

 

“By the way, de- Gav--”

 

“What in the holy name of hell.”  

 

There was something standing next to his door. Something huge. He didn’t think it was his doing. His memory wasn’t _that_ shitty. That only meant-

 

“Connor. What is that... thing.”

 

Leave it to him to try and do something weird to his apartment..And they weren’t even living together. 

 

Wait. 

 

Wait a fucking minute. 

 

Were they? 

 

He had no clue. Would have to ask Tina later. She always knew how to deal with complicated stuff. He hoped. 

 

“That’s a bed.”

 

“No kidding. What is it doing here.” He hated how matter-of-factly Connor spoke but also found it irresistibly adorable. Like he wanted to squeeze his hand and kiss his cheek. He didn’t actually want to do it, of course. It was just something people thought about when the saw Connor, he presumed. 

 

“It’s yours.”

 

“No,it isn’t. You must be mistaken.” He tried to mimick Connor’s manner of speech but it sounded like he was tcommunicating with an especially dumb five-year old. Or like he was one.

 

"Okay, so it's mine then."

 

 _What_. This situation was getting more and more nonsensical by the second. His brain was too groggy to even try to look for a reason. Or escape routes. 

 

"I will deposit it at your place if you'll kindly allow." 

 

_Kindly allow my ass._

 

Was Connor trying to get him to bed. No fucking way, his deprived mind should just shut up. Indefinitely.  

 

"Fine, fine, whatever." He gesticulated wildly to showcase his exasperation. Not that he relented, but his thirsty curiosity had a reign over his actions now, as it seemed. 

Things were getting too weird for him to even try and make any sense of them. This could have been one of his dumb dreams and he wouldn’t be able to tell the difference. Not that it mattered. Lately, every waking minute felt like that. Stuck somewhere on the border of what was perceived as real by him. 

And honestly, he was too tired to care anymore. A week spent in a bed wouldn’t do him justice. 

_A bed._

 

He watched Connor having no trouble carrying the heavy-looking thing like the terminator he was. 

 

Seemed like rest wasn’t on a schedule for some time. 

Not with tomorrow’s event.  He promised himself to pretend like that day would be no special, like he had no reason to worry. 

So far, it worked. 

But today wasn’t over yet. 

  
  
  
  
  


“Do you have any food allergies?” 

 

 

What was his life anymore. Connor was standing in the kitchen with a knife in his hand, not about to stab him to death, surprisingly so.

No, his intentions were to decimate the poor onion he had purchased earlier. And many other fresh vegetables Gavin had never made the effort to buy and do something with. 

 

They had been h̶o̶m̶e̶ in his apartment for about half an hour and in this time Connor was able to set up the bed, unload the groceries and look stunning while doing all of it. 

All Gavin had managed to do was to feed the unbothered cat who was acting like this was just the usual. 

Maybe bringing in stray androids was just that for him now. A new habit. 

He hoped that this one would be his last, though. No more hospitality after that. He would spend the rest of his life alone and bitter. 

 

But this -  this domesticity, it made him feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside. It also filled his head with acidic dread. He had tried his absolute best not to interfere, to just let it unfold and make him all gooey and scared. 

Because bravery was the one thing he had promised himself to learn how to use. He wasn’t sure when had that happened, only that it was somehow very important in that moment. Like if he kept his mouth shut for one evening, if he let Connor do his thing, he’d get something nice in return. 

Or something horrible. Depended on how brave he got. 

 

So he had done just that. Watching in silence and awe as his bare place got turned into something resembling a home. In his most distant dreams, that was the thing he desired the most. To have his home back. 

Since “home” wasn’t a place, not for him. Home was the one person who made every day worth surviving. Someone to wake up for. To keep trying for. 

He didn’t know that yet, for it was all hidden under countless layers of sleep. 

 

Was this how it had been like owning a household android back in the day when no one had any idea about the humanity concealed inside those plastic heads? Just put and apron on him and there it would be, a perfect image of a maid. An image he was eagerly trying to erase from his mind. It felt wrong using Connor, the most advanced detective-android like that. Except it wasn’t his idea at all. If it were up to him, he’d have it be the opposite way. But that would require confrontation and all the confidence in the world. This was much easier.

God, he just wanted to crawl into some deep murky hole and never come out.

 

“Are you listening?”

 

Oh, he completely forgot that he had been asked a question. What was it - something about food allergies or whatnot. 

 

“The only thing I’m allergic to is glitter.” It was stupid but true. Once he had gotten up close and personal with some sparkly guy in a bar and left with hives all over his arms, hands… and face. Let’s say it wasn’t a night he liked to remember. He might have even had been as embarrassed as he felt now. He prayed he his face stayed remotely pale. Not likely, judging by the heat in his cheeks. 

 

“Alright, I think I can make this without adding it in.” 

 

He honestly didn’t guess that Connor had any humor in him. Or maybe he was just a really terrible cook. 

The android hadn’t shown any signs of distress over the rest of the day and that sort of bothered him. Was it because of his nature (or the lack of it) or would it happen regardless? Was it wrong to be glad that he didn’t have to be dealing with a non functioning person right now? 

Maybe Connor bottled it all inside, safely out of sight. It must have been tearing him apart still. It just wasn’t showing. 

Even now, he wasn’t smiling. Just standing straight and chopping an onion, tearlessly. 

 

Gavin couldn’t withstand watching him any longer. It made him feel uncomfortable in his own skin. As if he were someone else this could have meant something. A beginning of a friendship, for instance. 

He certainly had no clue why anyone, much less Connor, would care about him. He figured it was a way of repaying him. He had taken him in, after all. Out of selfishness, more than anything. 

He would be much better off in someone else’s hands. Gavin knew that and yet it didn’t sit right with him. It was irresponsible, heedless. Still, he couldn't have it any other way. 

If fate wanted them together he wouldn’t fight it. 

 

While Connor was playing man-servant, he went on and took a shower. He needed to cool down and banish all the undesired ideas taking shape in his sleepy head. Luckily, the coldness of the water gracing his skin and the delicious smells coming from the kitchen had made him realize how starved his body actually was and all his focus was redirected to that. The cramps in his stomach making him aware of how human he really was. It awoke and unprecedented sense of sorrow in him. Like he was so far away from the thing he wanted the most it ached. 

He kept building walls even though he wished to have a free passage between those two worlds. 

_Moronic._

  
  


He hadn’t expected some culinary masterpiece but what he got served was something so abnormal he was left dumbfounded. 

“What is this supposed to be?”

 

Connor was seated in front of him, since he had no courage to tell him not to. It was like one of the scenes his brain would create when he felt extra-lonely. But a hundred times weirder. 

He looked down at his plate full of mysterious red pieces and tried not to appear disgusted. Because he wasn’t, really. Just too tired for endeavoring to burden his taste-buds with brand new inputs.  

But it was Connor’s cooking. If not saving it in his freezer forever he would damn sure savour every single bite of it. 

It was just that all of it was so frightening. 

 

“Fried tomatoes and oats. It’s healthy. Eat.” 

 

In what universe would he be okay with an android talking to him in that manner. 

This one, apparently. 

On the contrary, he found it quite… pleasing. 

Not only the meal, which turned out to be quite palatable despite all his preconvictions. 

 

“Did you know that cooked tomatoes provide more health benefits than raw ones, since cooking substantially raises the levels of beneficial compounds called phytochemicals, which has antioxidant.....”

 

He let the lecture trail off till the words merged in a sweet melody and he could eat his dinner in peace. He allowed himself to enjoy this moment and forget about all the afflictions waiting just a daydream away. 

 

That was all - just a nice piece of his dreams.

 

Just too bad Connor couldn’t join him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im sorry, but that's all I can do right now. life's too much.  
> it's a bit longer than usual, since this is the last chapter of Anguish, finally! The next one should be a small transitional segment and then we'll get to the good stuff, hopefully
> 
> wish it's not too much of a mess  
> they're just so complicated, it's not my fault
> 
> we should be back on weekly schedule too(if mr.brain allows)
> 
> thank you so much for reading. 
> 
> as always, mistacez.
> 
> Song: Sleeping At Last - Indian


	19. Grief

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Too late for goodbyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no giving up here.

For as much as he didn’t dream this certainly looked like one. Again.  Connor was starting to get used to being fed the lies his software so often supplied him with. 

There wasn't a single thing in his sight, but he wasn't exactly enveloped by darkness. It felt more like he simply stopped existing. _Weightless_. 

The lightness lifting him somewhere high up, somewhere no one could be able to reach. All alone and yet, not so. There might have been a billion people before him, going through the same experience. There would be even more after. He was nothing special. 

 

That must have been what death was. 

He didn't remember dying, just the countless scenarios he had been ceaselessly crafting. Imagining what it could be like - not being. 

Had this happened to his friends too? Had they gotten blown away with their lack of any mass, had they dissolved into the wind due to their shapelessness? Why wasn't Connor losing himself as well? He was still aware about his body, could feel the thirium flowing, the electric energy trapped in his wires. Minimally, but it still counted. 

 

He wasn't dead. This was just his mind wandering off places he doubted were real. Just another possible deconstruction of past events. 

 

He'd like to believe that Hank and Sumo went through similar purgation, that they were able to abandon all concept of life, that they turned into the light they had been for Connor since the beginning. 

 

He could feel the sadness, the grief slowly making its way back into his heart, where it always belonged. At some level he wished it would never disappear. Always staying with him, sometimes hidden, sometimes overwhelming, reminding him of the mistakes he had made. Turning him into a human. 

 

He wished that would be enough. 

 

It would never be, but he still had the smallest desire that it could maybe. just. 

  
  


The void in front of him changed into an image of a soundly sleeping man. Except this one was actually real. He didn't have to check twice. 

The breaths that were barely there, the twitching eyelids. They were just a touch away. 

 

And so he observed, every single detail the view offered. 

 

The hair that was glued to Gavin's forehead, the sockless foot sticking out of the covers. The hands that were shifting under the white blanket. 

 

Connor didn't know a single thing about intimacy, but wonder if this couldn't just be it. 

Showing someone how vulnerable they could become. Letting them get this close. 

It was nice. For the minutes it lasted. 

 

Soon after Gavin's movements got more urgent, more fervent. 

Sobbing. 

Must have been a nightmare. 

 

Connor knew that the only way to help him was to pull him out to an even worse nightmare called the waking world.

Shame, he wanted to watch some more. To stay in the moment for as long as possible. 

 

Forcing his body to move he leaned over him and placed his cold hands on the inconsolable man's sweaty face. That was how humans woke each other up, surely. 

 

"Detective." A whisper, meant to redirect his attention from the catastrophe inside his head. 

 

Gavin's fight or flight instinct seemed to kick in and he chose to abruptly leave the bed they had shared together, with a loud thud, panicked breaths and an unintelligible attempt to swear to boot. 

 

As soon as his feet listened he commanded them to run as far as attainable, presumably to one of the two other rooms of his hollow apartment. 

Connor didn't even have the chance to utter a single word. And he had so many that wanted out, too. 

 

Back to the displeasing reality it was. 

 

-

 

"Are you about done, detective?"  It appeared that Gavin might have been terrified of what was about to come, even more than Connor it would seem. Which was likely the case since the android didn't know how to be afraid. Not yet, anyway. 

The scruffy man had locked himself in the bathroom about an hour ago, refusing to come out or to speak.  

 

Connor had received a proper attire worthy of today's event through door to door delivery, which he had placed an order for the day before. He let some other bot choose it for him, his task was just to pay for the services. As always. What else he made the money for. It had seemed to him like a waste at times, receiving paycheck he rarely even accessed. 

Well not anymore. 

 

So he stood in the place that was supposed to represent a kitchen, all dressed up and ready to go say his goodbyes. There was just this minute problem. He couldn't head out there alone. 

His feet would freeze every time he even thought about walking through the main door, his chest would constrict and something akin to dizziness would stun his thought processes. 

He needed the stubborn man who was currently hiding from him, like Connor would hurt him. _Unthinkable_. 

  
  


×+×

 

He felt so ashamed. Not once had he pictured himself being the weaker one when it came down to today. He was getting physically sick and not only because he had seen Connor's body disassembled into many horrible pieces, just to be awakened by the living apparition of his dreams itself, but the thought of… putting the lieutenant into the ground was beating him up with its ugly implications. Except it was all true. The old man got brutally murdered and there was nothing he could do about it anymore. There would be no intimidatingly broken force in the precinct, no more vague alcohol stench accompanying the damaged man with lost eyes. No more fear of obsolete efficiency. 

Gavin had watched him. Always had his wary sights on him. It was just one of the truths he denied to himself. Even now. 

He had been kneeling in front of the toilet, expecting to empty his stomach and all the anxiety mixed with sorrow with it. 

Nothing came out though. Including him. 

He couldn't tell if it was sweat or tears that stained his face, he just felt like a thousand cold showers wouldn't be enough to make him feel like he was about to handle this situation. 

And so he just waited. 

Trying not to think about himself and all the things he could have done better while there had  still been time. 

His mind opted to focus on the man waiting for him just a door away, who seemed to be dealing quite alright, despite the fact he was the one who should have taken it the hardest. 

 

Would Gavin be able to comfort him when he cries, if that happens today. Would Connor want him to.

Were they going to survive this, somehow. The more he kept thinking about it, the more fear accumulated inside his gut, making him ache all over, but mostly inside his mind. If only he could just let it all out. 

Remembering how emotionless Connor had been the day before, how he managed to present himself as calm and composed gave him a weird headache. It felt heavy and foreboding. Like he wouldn’t be able to contain the android if he at once decided to submit himself to the torture of his own feelings again. He could get blown away from Gavin, and he’d be alone. Again.   
Connor would soon realize how defective Gavin truly was, how he kept him around only because of his selfish nature.

He’d be better off without the broken man that was now attempting to lift his sore body up so he could maybe pretend to be ready and open the door. 

Overthinking would get him nowhere, he was well aware of that. Yet it was so easy to get lost among the flood of ideas and possible futures, it was difficult to quit. He should stop hurting himself like that. 

There was still some strength in him. Some leftovers of it that not even Connor could steal from him. If only he knew how to access them right now. 

 

His thoughts were interrupted by a rather loud smashing sound and the fright morphed into sheer panic. The image of Connor’s torn up body flashing in front of him as he charged into the kitchen with speed worthy of praise. 

 

To his immense relief the android was nonchalantly standing near a counter holding a frying pan in his right hand. All dressed up, looking like a goddamn model for suits. Gavin didn’t dare come anywhere near, yet he assumed Connor could see the perplexion in his eyes with his android supervision anyway. 

 

“I apologize but this was the most efficient way of getting you to come here.” 

 

Oh, now his brain caught up with what had actually occurred. The super-advanced machine just slammed the pan against the ground, thinking nothing of traumatizing the poor human more than was necessary. He didn’t know whether to feel angry or amused, but he had to admit -it worked. 

 

His body was still nailed to the one spot he had chosen as his shelter against the scary noise-maker, and all he was able to do was to listen to his ear-piercingly beating heart, eyes moving back and forth between the pan and Connor’s stern face. 

 

“Would you be so kind and put on some appropriate attire already, detective Reed?” 

 

He wanted to hate how passive-aggressive Connor got, but it just wouldn’t happen. There was no blaming the android. Most people wouldn’t endure Gavin’s bullshit behaviour this long. 

 

Slamming the door to the bedroom after him wasn’t a sign of retaliation, it was just the pent-up energy looking for some trace of release. 

  
  


He despised wearing all black, it tended to bring up some grim memories he tried his best to repress. Plus, he couldn’t stand how he looked in a tux. He’d got all itchy and uncomfortable.

But then he pictured how he’d walk together with Connor, all dressed up like that and he nearly caused himself a heart-attack. 

He’d have to get more than drunk to live through this day. Pity the android couldn’t go there with him. Then again, he would need someone reliable to help him back on his feet after, so circumstances were in his favor after all, at least marginally. 

  
  


He almost asked Connor about how he looked, like he forgot what their relationship actually was. 

Silently berating himself for the error of thinking, he signed that he was ready to leave. The words still lost somewhere behind a wall of insecurity. 

 

“The taxi should be here in five minutes or less.” Connor had the courtesy to inform him, not moving an inch. 

 

Gavin made a few steps, waiting for the other man to follow, multiplying his dread along the way. 

No one was behind him. His secret fears came true. 

 

He would have to go through a confrontation he had doubts he’d be able to mentally withstand. 

Cautiously turning around he set his eyes on Connor, giving the highest priority to his current objective. No stupid blushing or getting flustered. This was not the time for that. There should never be a time for it but Gavin wasn’t known for his self-control, so. 

 

...Connor wasn’t breathing. Nothing unusual there, but his expression was blank in a way he had never seen before. Different from the stoic android from yesterday. He could sense that that person was no longer here. It was Connor the way he wished he could like him. Raw and petrified. More than just a frozen computer. _Human-like_

 

The LED shone its ordinary blue and he seemed conscious, just not all the way present. 

 

He needed to help him, make him function again. Without letting him revert back to the emotionless robot. This could be his hardest assignment yet.  

 

As he was observing Connor and making up some strategies, he noticed his tie not looking quite right. Crooked. 

 

Before he had the chance to process his next course of action his feet were already moving towards the paralyzed man. 

 

Ignoring the tremble in his hands he put them near the black tie, to test out the waters. See if he gets any reaction out of Connor. 

Nothing. 

He proceeded to straighten his tie, trying not to think about a single thing his mind was eager to suggest. Why did he have to be so much smaller and weaker than the android. He could have just carried him to the car without having to suffer through this awkwardness. 

Gavin cleared his throat, partly in a hope to alert Connor and get him to acknowledge him, but mostly to prepare himself to speak. 

 

“I couldn’t feel sad when my father died. Couldn’t cry. It was a relief to have him finally be gone, really. My mother actually celebrated, in her own way. Tells you about how good of a person he was.”  

 

It wasn’t in his plans to start talking about his shitty childhood - ever, the words just spilled out as if they were waiting for the right opportunity to finally run free. He had never told anyone, not even Tina. This was bad. 

 

“I’m sorry. About your childhood. It couldn’t be easy on you.”

 

Yet it worked for some reason. He thanked his accursed impulsiveness for not managing to disappoint him this time. Feeling too self-conscious, suddenly. Still holding Connor’s tie and now his body decided to recognize the lack of space between the two of them. _Great_. 

 

He almost jumped back, letting go of Connor and his hopes about this day going smoothly. 

Tiny beads of sweat forming on his forehead. Resembling a boiling lobster, he imagined. 

He told his heart to calm the fuck down so many times already. Never seemed to listen. 

 

Then his wrist got snatched and he was about ready to keel over. 

 

“You’ll have to lead me there, Gavin.” There was a clear nervousness in his voice. He could do nothing but sympathize. 

 

“Please.” 

  
  


He would close his eyes and unthink the pain the tight grip caused him. 

 

If emptying his mind would suffice in order to safely deliver them both, he’d gladly do it. 

  
  


×+×

 

If it wasn’t for Gavin he wouldn’t have been able to attend at all. He was still getting used to the overwhelming feeling that would incapacitate him so. Couldn’t quite put a label on it just yet, but the only thing Connor was sure of was its realness. It could slice him open and he wouldn’t even be surprised. 

His mind had already made its peace with the tragic events but his heart and soul were lagging far behind. 

He required something to hold onto, someone to guide him through this. And there was no one else but the man whose wrist he was still clutching like it was the only thing keeping him alive. 

He wanted so much more but was content with just having Gavin’s company, too. 

Losing himself in the city clad in mist, the only acceptable view in the steadily moving taxi, he thought about what the detective had shared with him earlier. 

He knew about his rough upbringing, since he gained access to his personal records at one point, not entirely legally but his curiosity was stronger than his moral code. Connor just appreciated that he got any. He just didn’t figure he’d hear them firsthand. 

 

Hank wasn’t his father, he couldn’t see him as such, but that didn’t mean that they couldn't be some kind of family - if they were to nurture their relationship further. That was now impossible, obviously, and that only deepened his sorrow. The lieutenant got taken away too soon for them to become anything meaningful. It wasn’t fair. He knew he didn’t know him enough, too little time spent caring. Why didn’t he make the effort to try and understand more of him. 

He could have told him about his problems, to let him in a little. He could have made Hank talk about all of his in return.  If he did then maybe the man would still be here. It was all because of how lacking he was, in everything. 

 

“Hey, Connor. Could you maybe stop cutting off my blood-flow.” 

 

Even Gavin was getting hurt by him. 

 

He let go of the warm arm, slowly and uncertainly. Trying to express his reluctance.

 

“I’m sorry.” The tears couldn't project into his voice, which was most inconvenient at the moment. Maybe if Gavin heard how not alright he was, he wouldn’t let him cease the contact. 

 

It was as the man was able to read his mind. He was the one whose wrist was being squeezed right now and that was a good enough reason for him to face the man next to him. 

Too bad he wasn’t looking back. 

 

\--

 

The ceremony was held at a small funeral home that appeared as unappealing as they come.

Connor didn’t notice, though. The world around him got quite blurry, it was difficult to see anything but the tragic images inside of his mind. Being this close to their bodies seemed to only intensify the newly discovered grief currently wreaking havoc in Connor. 

He couldn't tell how many people came to mourn the loss of the great man who had done so many incredible things throughout his life, but somehow he knew it wasn’t a number high enough to match Hank’s beautiful soul. 

It all happened in a flash and he loathed that he couldn’t be involved more. But it wasn’t his fault that he couldn’t. He couldn’t help slipping into the dead garden, which was rotten beyond recognition now. Not even the calming snow was allowed there anymore. All alone and yet, _haunted_. 

There was still this one emergency exit. Even though Connor had to let go of him when they had left the vehicle and found themselves surrounded by a grieving crowd. It was better if no one had any suspicion about all that had gone on between them since that horrible night. 

But Gavin would never let him suffocate, he'd like to have believed. Ever so often he would touch him lightly or whisper something nice or so he would like to think. Pulling him out of the desolate place to the one full of sorrow. There was no escape. Not cold enough to be trapped in his software, but the warmth wasn't strong enough to keep him safe for long. 

Connor couldn’t hear or see, he only felt. Every negative emotion cumulating together in that one moment. Maybe there were some positive ones as well, but they got buried underneath all the bad. Just like Hank would soon. 

 

No one expected him to say anything. His thoughts amassed into a swirly black bundle of toxicity and all coherent words structures were unavailable to him. He didn't even remember them putting the body away, nor moving to the place of the wake. He wasn't sure if he was inconsolably crying or if his face remained blank. Perhaps Gavin could later tell him, if he had happened to notice. Somehow he had an inkling the man would. No matter what hell he went through in his mind he could always sense the detective's presence beside him. Making him want to keep fighting. 

  
  
  


He was sitting behind a table set to host ten or more mourners. The faces were getting close to distinguishable as he was trying to gather himself. Gavin was on a seat to his left, which contributed to letting go of some of the tension that had made him blind. He could spot Tina Chen a on the detective's other side. When he turned his head right he was met with a rather surprising face. 

 

"How are you holding up, Connor?" 

 

It was his almost-friend Simon. 

It made sense he'd be here. Connor recalled the blonde android and Hank leading several conversations together when he still used to visit Jericho. The soft-eyed android hadn't crossed his mind since and that's why it was so unexpected, seeing him here. Like he deserved some credit for it. 

Connor didn't have the capacity to even think about the organisation-side of this event, couldn't care about who was responsible for its funding or who made it possible for them to gather here and share the grief or at least pretend to. 

Later he'd overhear the deceased's ex-wife, a stern-faced lady who looked a lot older than she really was, mentioning how much trouble it was setting this whole thing up and how she had promised to help Hank if it ever came to the worst. She probably didn't want it to mean dealing with his funeral, but there she was, all dressed up in refused sorrow. If his end was better than the other tragic alternative no one in the room was able say for sure. Connor had a clearer idea of that matter, but that was far beyond his current point of concern. 

 

Simon was beckoning him to come to the side, to talk in private. And no one cared that he’d rather not move for several hours or days, nor that walking - or talking was the last thing on his list of manageable activities. But he got up, despite all the draining weakness making him want to initiate an eternal sleep as well. No one stopped him. Not even Gavin. It shouldn’t have hurt the way it did, but today was not a day he let himself be surprised, so he just accepted it for what it was - something he would have to figure out when this fog in his head leaves. 

 

_Do you want to talk about it?_

The insolent bast.. android was in his head like it was the most common of rooms. Spreading his voice around like a disease. Connor didn’t do direct communication like that. It was way too personal and invading, he couldn’t shut the words out. Words he didn’t want to hear - which were all of them at this time. He longed for silence, for somewhere he could replace these malignant feelings of grief with the ones of calm and safety. 

But this, this was just about to push him over. He had no choice but to build protective walls blocking all attempted communications from the outside. 

 

“Sorry. I’m fine. Just need time.” He hoped all that got conveyed through those three short sentences and that Simon would leave him alone for the rest of the social gathering. 

 

Instead, the other android outstretched his hand slightly towards him, beginning to peel off his skin. 

Connor never had the urge to curse out loud more than now. Connecting to someone this way, sharing his feelings, his pain with someone he didn’t even like that much - nothing could be worse than that for him right then. He was ready to politely decline when his hand got seized, without his given permission, without warning. 

Except it wasn’t Simon trying to interface with him. It was h̶i̶s̶ human pulling him back to the table, saying something to him or to the considered android, he wasn’t sure. Connor refused to listen to any words for the evening (if it was that, could have been a lunchtime for all he knew), for they were oh so tiring. 

 

Everything played out without him in the picture. No one talked to him, no one touched him. It didn’t matter if they were scared of him or just being sympathetic, not to Connor who felt like he was being crushed under the weight of them, the people unhappily chatting away, reminiscing about his late friend, telling each other stories. Drinking. He couldn’t do any of it. Soon his presence there started to seem pointless to him and he put all his remaining strength into standing up and slowly walking away. He didn’t have a plan past leaving the building. Maybe he’d imagine getting some fresh air, a lot of it. 

The commotion made him almost invisible, only justifying his exit. No one needed him there. He’d do them all a favour and disappear, f̶o̶r̶e̶v̶e̶r̶.  Just one chapter ending, nothing else. Things like that happened often. No one would miss him, not even… 

 

“Hey!” 

 

Gavin. 

 

“Where the phck do you think you’re goin’?” His speech was slightly slurred - Connor didn’t need to scan him to measure his intoxication levels. They weren’t low. 

 

He wished he wasn’t crying right now, not ready for any reaction that particular sign of weakness might awake. 

 

It was dark outside, the snowfall became less solid, morphing into raindrops that had to be rather cold and uncomfortable on the human’s skin. There was no one around, just he dulled voices and music coming from the inside, allowing him to take a breath, at least metaphorically. 

 

Then there was this reassuring weight on him, gripping him with all that it got. A heartbeat so close, so quick. So alive. 

What was he thinking. He couldn’t leave this walking disaster of a man alone, not when he was being held by him like that. As if Connor was more than a grief-stricken colleague to him. 

As if this meant something just because he was getting all warm inside. He had wanted to go as far away from everyone as viable but the deep breaths exhaled near his shoulder, the soothing hand on his back,.. they were so much better. 

Connor wasn’t sure what to do with his hands, if it was alright to mirror the human. So he let his mouth do the thinking for him. 

 

“Your blood-alcohol level is .10%.” He didn’t mean to sound so robotic, but then again, he was just glad that he was able to speak at all. 

 

 

“Yeah I know, that’s why I can do _this.”_ Gavin squeezed him tight with the last word, snuggling his head in Connor’s shoulder crevice, not showing any signs of letting go. The one time alcohol could actually be useful. 

 

He wished he too could lose his mind for just one small moment, just enough to give in and reciprocate the touch. 

This didn’t count, he was well aware. They were sad and couldn't think straight. He couldn’t exploit that, couldn’t take advantage of Gavin no matter how right that felt. 

 

“You should go home.” It wasn’t a suggestion. A taxi was already on its way to pick them up. 

He tried to pry the detective away from him, with little success. Part of him didn’t mind. It felt safe, comforting. But it was wrong.  Connor didn’t deserve to be treated with such.. tenderness. Awful and good mixing inside of him all the while he was persuading Gavin to say goodbye to the rest of the mourners. 

 

They didn’t have to wait long. Soon they were on their way home, because that’s where Connor now lived, apparently. With Gavin. He didn’t look forward to that conversation, if it would ever come to that. 

The fully grown man turned into a helpless baby that fell asleep at his side, drooling onto his shoulder. He looked so peaceful Connor had no choice but to watch him the whole way to the detective’s apartment. He told himself that it was out of curiosity rather than endearment. The truth was he couldn’t tell for sure anymore. All he was certain about was that he needed sleep as much as drowning man needed air. 

 

The baby changed into a stumbling toddler as they left the vehicle and was relying on Connor to ensure that it makes its way home without much trouble. Which of course meant being his extra legs and arms, dragging him through the dark and quiet corridors, making as little noise as they could. 

 

Luckily, Gavin managed not to lose or forget his keys (and phone) and so they were inside sooner than Connor had any time to process what had actually occurred. Before he was even able to fully take off his shoes his hand was being pulled deeper in, towards the bed. The enticing piece of furniture calling him in.   _So sleepy._

He didn’t know how he had gotten out of his clothes or why there was a messy head on his chest. None of it was of any importance. The world inside him was getting smaller and smaller, until there was nothing but a subsiding pain, slowly being replaced by something light and warm. 

 

And then he was finally no more. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! im so sorry i know it's very late, but! listen (dear diary segment:D) - my life got turned upside down when i lost my job and both of my pcs with it (they sacked me at the end of January xD), meaning no keyboard for me to type on ahaha (i stole my father's laptop just so i could finish this one, but i'll get new pc for my birthday this or next week so life is great actually :D) . so begins the unemployment saga (it hit me hard but I'm very happy now, time to catch a break from shitty jobs yeay ^.^.^.^.^.^)  
> and it's sort of been snowing, so another reason to rejoice 
> 
> I have never been to a funeral myself so maybe that's why it's portrayed like that in this chapter. also androids can get sleepy - ask alekszova, she'll tell you all about it. 
> 
> mm happier times ahead, hopefully. 
> 
> as always, very mistoks. 
> 
> song: Cliff Masterson - Last Goodbye


	20. Embarrassment I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even though it may seem like things between them are moving forward they always find a way to slow that progress somehow. And don't act like it's my fault (￣ω￣;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> back at the thing again. living, mostly.

Gavin hated the mornings after allowing himself to shut down the reality weighing him down like a rusty heap of metal scraps. 

Getting unabashedly sloshed wasn’t one of his favourite habits but one that was not that easy to drop. Like smoking, but not quite so. He consciously told himself to cut down on it, to stop once and for all, eventually. But cigarettes - well, he never wanted to picture his life without them again. He had to indulge himself in this vice lest the memories of time spent living side by side with hope and love would resurface to haunt him. Not that this was the only weapon to defend himself against them, his coping mechanisms were pretty elaborate, or that’s what he liked to believe. They were mostly compiled of running away from the one person that threatened him with the same nonsense. And a part of him was contributing to this evil plan to cut out his fragile heart, to bury it deep below the unfertile soil of his damaged soul. He had gone over it more than a thousand times already, thinking what it would be like to give in and get carried away by the flow of his desires, to shatter the steel wall between them. In his head it always ended up in tragedy, in blood and guilt. 

He’d like to think that maybe if it wasn’t for the loss he had suffered, for the death that seemed to skulk beside him wherever he went, he might have just done something immensely stupid already. 

The comforting body lying under him could have been more than just one of his ungraspable dreams. He willed himself to wake up, to shed the warmth paralyzing him from within. 

It wouldn’t disappear. He tried closing and opening his eyes as many times as he could force himself to before pinching his cheek like fictional characters tended to do when something unimaginably strange was happening to them. Nothing changed. 

He scolded himself for being a cliche idiot since he had known it wouldn’t work even before he had decided to do so. 

This was no dream. It was all part of his reality, making some things inside of his mind click.

Like why he couldn't make it stop - the ache knotting its way across his insides, the lightness whispering into his ears that this was exactly where he was meant to be. The reason for not being able to release his hold on the sleeping man that had somehow let him do all this. 

He had no right to invade Connor’s personal space like that, it was highly inappropriate, too. 

But it was because his brain was still half asleep or that the the leftover alcohol coursing through his veins was intoxicating enough to impair his decision-making he chose to pretend that this was okay, that his weakness permitted him to do it. They were still sleeping, after all. 

So he fooled himself into believing that when he wakes up for the second time, the only thing under him would be a crumpled pillow and his body would be hollowed out, as it should be. 

 

It didn't take much, losing himself to the pull taking him away from the present moment. His body cried for rest, for escape. It wanted to get away from itself. And its owner was falling apart as well. They both needed to leave this place, and Connor too, he'd like to think. It could do them good. It could destroy this painfully crafted equilibrium they were living in. Gavin was only able to see that possibility as something breaking him even further. He had never really been optimistic, and lately his imagined future was nothing but a dark mass swallowing him whole. In his mind, it would wait for him no matter what, so he might as well get the most out of the present, of the time when he could still see in front of himself. 

Not that he was ready to stop fighting, it would take so much more for him to accept that which was around him and maybe then he could start thinking about dealing with the rest lurking inside.  

So he didn't move away, he didn’t run, not this time. He listened to the whirring sound coming from under him, only just noticing its existence. He imagined not being asleep anymore, pictured this becoming the new normal. It was awful, the feeling it called forth, making him hold back tears he had no clue if they belonged to the dream or not. 

It didn’t matter. 

He was weak and that would prove to be his undoing. 

 

When the time came to clear the haze, to banish the fog making the world’s edges indistinct, he found himself in a state of faint confusion. There was no one but him in the bed. Him and the cat, licking her private parts like no one was watching. And no one was, really, because Gavin only saw inwards now, trying to piece his assumptions together, figuring out whether some parts had occurred outside his mind.  If those past days weren’t just fever-induced visions, an intricate hallucination. 

But they couldn’t have been. 

 

The room was so cold since he hadn’t bothered to turn on the heaters there, or to actually pay for the heat anymore, yet he was warm, the kind of warmth not even basking in direct sunlight could achieve was covering his body, cradling him from the inside. 

 

Something told him that the unmistakable scent of freshly made coffee coming from the kitchen wasn’t an illusion. 

 

He wasn’t alone, wasn't hollow.. And that was scarier than any of his night terrors. 

 

-*-*(*')

 

He didn’t have to look up the “recipe” to make it this time. It came to him naturally and that wouldn’t be surprising even if he had the capacity of caring beyond just being able to actually do this. Do anything. 

Connor was good at one thing - learning. And if everything in the world could be learnt like that, he would be the best person who has ever existed. Not that he would want to be that. 

Being just Connor, not the android sent by Cyberlife anymore, was a hand-full already. 

The data that turned into a sense of smell informed him that the room was being filled with a pleasant fragrance, increasing the chance of fixing Gavin’s mood, supposing it would be in the negative spectrum. 

 

He had run away. They had lain there, lost in a perfect moment, a place where no demons could prevent them from just being, together, at least for a short while and he had to ruin it. 

It had been too good, too much for Connor to process right then. The heat had been scalding him and he couldn’t bear it, the weight of the scorching body lying on top of him. 

He had to get away, because there had been something else mingled with the overwhelming warmth. Something very unfamiliar, yet he could have almost put a name on it. 

Not entirely bad, but not nice either. It was complicating the already twisted thought ensemble occupying his heavy head. 

He didn’t want to wait till the detective wakes up, like him being there in the bed with him would hurt their tenuous relationship built on tears and kindness. 

 

So he just left, nimbly and soundlessly, despite his size. He maybe figured that this way would be better not only for him, reminding himself of the words that had come out Gavin’s mouth not so long ago. 

 

_“Stop getting so close to me.”_

 

… 

 

_“Ever”_

  
  


It had been some kind of warning or perhaps a glimpse to his contradicted mind. 

Could have been that he just meant it, that them touching was really that unendurable for the detective. For whatever reason. 

As he had shown yesterday, it was only Gavin’s reasoning that had such an aversion to it and that if he somehow got rid off it, he’d be all over Connor. 

But that wasn’t something any of them wished for, he reckoned. 

 

He didn’t want to get into puzzling out the riddle Gavin was at this moment, it didn’t seem right. The grief from yesterday hadn’t just magically turned into nothing when the clock had stricken midnight, after all. It lingered. He could feel his eyes moistening just at the thought about all that had happened since his first day back at the precinct. And not just that. Each second since his creation was compiled into little pain piles, some less hurtful than the others. 

 

The fickle future was all he had left to work with. He wished he could say that made him feel terrified.  But it didn’t and he couldn’t lie, not to himself, not to Gavin. And if he wanted to turn it into a place he could live in, something he could perchance share with someone, it had to come out. The truth. All that he had been hiding deep within himself, the things that were getting impossible to bear alone. 

 

He didn’t have a concrete plan. He just decided to stop locking himself away from everyone, from the people that could help him. 

 

Gavin deserved it anyway. Not for anything he had or hadn’t done or for the man he was but because all that he represented for Connor. 

 

_Hope. Trust. Safety._

 

He’d tell him because he already knew that Gavin would listen to everything he’d say. He wouldn’t have to choose each word with an utmost care so as not to reveal too much. He’d just speak and wait for what would come next. 

Even if Gavin wasn’t able to fix him whole, even if the revelation left him no less empty than before, it still would have been worth every single agonizing second that had led him to this decision. Because Gavin wouldn’t reject him, he wouldn’t laugh at him. Not because he was such a good person, but because he couldn't afford to be anything but there for Connor. It was more than just an assumption. Connor could read this and much more in his eyes, in his gentle gestures, he could sense his struggling openness in his fallacious callousness. 

And he would push him as far as Gavin would allow him to, just like he had planned before his life had been filled to brim by sorrow. 

 

He had been losing himself in his inner world while the coffee was starting to be too much for the mug, spreading around on the counter, the same way his thoughts started leaking outside the confines of his mind. 

It took him a good portion of processing power to figure out he should probably clean the mess he’d made by his careless contemplating. 

 

When he heard the bedroom door opening, he had to do all the was in his might to stop himself from fleeing once more. It was so unexpectedly strange for him, having to deal with this kind of illogical behaviour on his part. He was used to it coming from the detective, his conflicted actions, all that he was denying himself because just giving in would be an irreversible mistake, or something to that effect. 

But he wasn’t prepared to handle it from the inside. Maybe it was that he was finally becoming a little more human. 

 

There were soft, calculated footsteps getting louder as they were nearing the counter over which he was leaning, coffee-soaked sponge in hand, back turned towards the man making his way to him. 

It wasn’t fear, the knot stuck in his throat, the tug in his stomach area - he didn’t think. He told himself that something as basic as being afraid wouldn’t get past him, that he would be able to name it the second he had the privilege to feel it. 

This was something that made his morning greeting come out all choppy, incoherent. 

Made him not want to say one at all. 

 

“Good morning, dete- Ga- Gavin.” He felt something on his face, something that didn’t quite belong there. And in the second-worth of empty space between now and what would come after his suspicions turned out to be true, he made all the research he could to find out if there was the tiniest possibility that it maybe was something different. 

And he knew it wasn’t even before having the chance to perform a self-diagnostic. 

 

There was a warm body next to him with wide eyes focusing on his face, an expression that suggested unadulterated curiosity and awe. The urge to escape was getting stronger, but all it was able to do was multiplying the force by which he held the sponge at least ten fold, making him squeeze all the liquid back on the formica countertop, letting it spill over, down on the floor. The dripping sounds of the coffee mixed with soap water was all he should focus on if he wanted to get out of this encounter scot-free.  
But he didn’t. He couldn’t, since the sparkling gray he was entranced by was all against it. 

It was like looking in a mirror where the colours were inverted all wrong and in a way that made little sense to anyone other than him. Him and Gavin, he’d like to believe. 

Blue versus red. They were both equally stupid like that. Acting against what was right. Maybe one day, they would put an end to their foolish ways, but this perfectly uncomfortable moment wasn’t it. 

 

“Hey. You’re making a mess.”  A hoarse whisper, making him almost snap out of this state of enchantment. Almost. 

 

-*-*(*')

 

It shouldn’t have been that surprising. It shouldn’t have stolen his breath like that. 

So yeah, okay, androids were able to blush, apparently. If that was the explanation for the blue tint in Connor’s cheeks when he had stopped next to him, letting himself get closer then he should. It had to have been that, since it would elucidate the broken way Connor’s words came out. In a way that made something in his chest constrict. And looking directly at the anomaly that had sprung on the android’s face was straight out dizzying. Gavin was pretty sure he couldn’t prevent his own face from unashamedly flaunting his own feelings. 

Nervousness, mostly. Good thing he couldn’t recall the details of last night. 

Deep down he knew that he had done something to warrant them ending together in bed like that but he was also sure that if it had been something dangerously untoward he wouldn’t forget, no matter the amount of alcohol he had consumed. 

It would come to him later, like all his lost memories always had the tendency to do. He wasn’t looking forward to that. 

 

One thing other than the suppressed fondness had been born by taking in the image of Connor’s unveiled feelings, written beautifully on his perfect face. 

The desire to care and protect. To keep him, them, safe. 

To make him smile and have it mean that he was close to being okay. 

 

He had learnt to accept these instincts not so long ago. He let himself act on them and failed miserably, failed at all which should be so easy to make happen. 

No one had told him that it was the hardest thing in the world so how should he have been ready for it.  

 

He swore to never make the same mistake again. And so he just avoided it, the growing affections that would take over his entire mind and soul. Even his body, as was clear by the pretty vermillion he figured was all over his own face. 

 

He retaliated by stating the obvious. Making Connor act like a skittish dog realizing it was in the presence of a dubious stranger. 

Gavin watched him wipe away the coffee, almost getting on his knees next to him when the android crouched to clean the portion that managed to get to the floor. The thought of landing him a hand crossed his mind but he reasoned it resulting in more problematic confrontations so he ultimately ignored it. He should move away, leave him to it, not loom over him like his guardful master. But Gavin never listened to the “should”s and “shouldn’t”s so he voiced something that was on his mind since he saw how pretty Connor could get.   

  
  


“Would you like to get out of here?” _With me._

 

 It wasn’t a walk in the neighborhood or spending time somewhere else in Detroit he had in mind by that question. Those things wouldn’t be enough for them to act like they could forget for a while. It was Saturday morning so they could go as far as their resources would let them. He’d drop Kitty at Tina’s to make hers and her girlfriend’s weekend less lonely. Not that they needed it. But the animal certainly did. A break from the walking disaster that was Gavin would make her appreciate her grumpy owner once more come Monday. Not that Tina didn’t adore the furball, but it was the same as her relationship with children. It took her a long time to accept them into her world. And she hadn’t interacted with Kitty in some time. But he was certain that wouldn’t be an issue. It was just that he was so damn insecure about everything lately that even such a simple thing as asking his friend to babysit his cat turned into a problem. 

TIna had beaten her sickness, or so she had tried to convince him about last night when they were both stuck in the most intolerable place he could imagine.  But he believed her, because she just was that strong, and not only for him. Sometimes he wished he could borrow an ounce of her strength so he could at least pretend to be confident in his proposal. 

Because the silence around him signified Connor’s lack of response and he hated that.  

 

“We could go wherever you want. Leave this damn city and all-”

 

“I’d like to.” 

  
Thank heavens Connor agreed because Gavin had no idea what he would do if he didn’t. But now that he didn’t have to contemplate his possible reaction and just concentrate on how the hell he’d survive the next couple of days,... the rest of his collapsing existence, his life got even more hair-raisingly frightening. 

 

Connor wasn’t crouching near the now-clean floor anymore, he suddenly noticed. He stood tall before Gavin, eying him with something akin to wonder, the soft blue that made his insides ache in a way he didn’t want it to stop was back in his squishable cheeks and he had to make several steps back so as not to break the beautiful image in front of him. 

 

Sometimes he wondered why he was still alive, still breathing. This moment wasn’t that. 

Now he was selfishly glad that he could be. That this instant was his and no one would take it away from him for as long as he lived. No matter what happens in the future, this fuzzy morning, the untouchable sight before his hazy eyes, this sunlight slowly filtering through the small window into the murky kitchen, warming his soul with its gentleness... This all would become his one constant in time to hold onto when all the good around him would be no more. 

 

-

  
  


He chose to ignore the look Tina gave him when he handed him the boxed feline that was on the verge of a hissing fit. She knew better than to put a finger among a bunch of venomous snakes. Or near small but pretty sharp jaws that were mere inches from her body now. Soon she wouldn’t be protected by the plastic enclosure anymore and would have her hands full of making the angry creature believe that she was as good of a food-provider as her male human was, if not superior. Maybe her mental composition was the reason she didn’t comment on the pure anxiety Gavin was sure was emanating from him. He had opted for climbing the many steps leading to Tina’s apartment alone, as to avoid any unnecessary confrontation he knew would take out of him the which he didn’t have enough to give. But that also meant leaving Connor in the self-driving car they had borrowed to cheapen the trip’s (or whatever he was supposed to call this) expenses. And no matter how fine the android appeared on the outside he could as well be going through all nine circles of hell in his robo-brain right now. Gavin had seen what that could trigger. For all he knew Connor could be walking among the midmorning traffic right as he was listening to Tina reassuring herself that he was fine and wishing him a safe journey.  He wished they could talk, him and Connor. He wished it would be as easy for him as exchanging incautious words with his friend who was now closing the door behind him. Gavin could just ask if he felt the urge to do something like throwing his life away then. Like it was the simplest and plainest question in the universe. 

He wanted to tear down the silence between them, the self-consciousness stealing words right out of his mind before they even had the chance to get to his mouth. 

And he might do just that if only there was a handbook on how to communicate with someone so important he feared that anything he said would add to the damage which both of them suffered more than their fair share. 

So instead he ran. Sprinted towards the car like his life depended on it. 

And in some sense it truly did. 

  
  


-*-*(*')

 

The first hour of the drive went on so fast one would have guessed not even ten minutes had passed. Connor immersed himself in the fresh scenery that was speeding by, letting himself get swallowed by it. The December sky was partly cloudy and that caused the sun to occasionally honor them with its healing light.  The further away from the city they got the whiter the world appeared. Almost as white as Connor’s mind was then. He didn’t have to try hard to blank it out, quite the opposite, really. Because as nice as it had been, having the time just to passively observe his surroundings without the obligation to do anything else, it had lost its charm about five minutes ago. 

He looked at the driver’s seat for the tenth time already and just shook his head in disappointment after seeing that nothing had changed since the one and a half minute he had checked last. 

The dumb human thought he could fool Connor by feigning sleep. Or maybe he presumed that would be an adequate course of actions for the big scary android to leave him alone. Like he hadn’t been frequently scanning him since he had been well enough to do so. At first it had been out of some sort of concern for the detective’s well-being but now it just became his habit _._

He felt (now he could really think that word and have it be the truth, at least in this particular instance) like the rift between them was becoming wider despite all that the both of them had been through together. And he wondered if he would be able to accomplish the wavering plan he had made just earlier this day if things continued on like this. It was getting progressively more difficult to read Gavin and even though he believed that the man was warming up to him quite a bit, it could still be just that, an ignorant believe his naive self desperately clung onto.  Every time Connor looked at him the way no organic human being ever could, he pictured what would it be like to peek even deeper, to see inside his mind, to have a tangible proof confirming or denying his suspicions. But then he always had to stop himself, because having that kind of power would put another strain on their relationship and he’d have to live with everything he was never meant to know, the things he was sure he didn't want to know. He was unnatural enough as it was. Only thinking about adding to his artificiality was pulling him just a little bit further apart from the detective, whose closed eyes were twitching slightly as he did his utmost to carry on with fooling the android he must have realized would have never fallen for such a feeble attempt to trickery. 

Connor was dealing with his own efforts not to put his skinless hand on his raggedy face just to make him snap out of it already. And if that was enough to lighten the tense mood between them he would have done it a hundred times before. But there was something else, too. He _felt_ that if this heady atmosphere around them dissipated it wouldn’t be a good thing. Like it would kill something that hasn’t been born yet, something he couldn’t wait to meet. 

He shook his head in exasperation he wasn’t aware he was able to sense. 

So maybe there was a gorge between them but who said that it was impossible to traverse. It didn’t have to be removed completely, not right away at least. Not if one of them was willing to make the leap across. 

 

Connor bore his eyes into Gavin, willing him to open his own, to look at him. 

 

When it didn’t work, he sighed, cooling himself in the process. All that reflecting made his insides warm in the way he didn’t fancy. 

 

This would be a gruelling task yet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's not often when I can say I like any given chapter but this time I can and I do :D. it might look like I'm pouring my heart into these words and you'd be right to think that because I just can't do it any other way ahaha  
> also I feel like my writing style changes just slightly depending on what I'm reading currently but I hope I pick up only the good little style alterations or however you'd put it (obviously not the case :DD)
> 
> Please have patience with the boys I promise the'll maybe learn how to communicate on some level soon !!!
> 
> thank you if you're into this still because I know I am :D things are just about to get started !!
> 
> next update should be sooner than later
> 
> idk how to get rit of mistkes sor
> 
> Song: Sleeping At Last - Dreamlife  
> pls listen to it it's a masterpiece
> 
> edit: I'm sorry for the slow updates it's just that I have issues + am very slow writer, but I won't do anything fun until I finish the next chapter so.. (minus social stuff ofc.)


	21. Embarrassment II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "We need to talk."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is entirely Gavin's chapter.

He was being stared at. 

 

Gavin could feel the sight burning on his skin as if the android was pointing two parallel laser beams at him. No words of accusation, no physical contact, just this silent pressure making him want to fall asleep for real. 

It was a cowardly step, that he knew perfectly well. And he had tried to justify it to himself, for the better half an hour, but something inside of him had made him accept this being a misconduct. If he didn’t want to face the latest reality, no hot robot with issues would be able to stop him. The mood in the air was saturated with blame and he hoped he was the only one noting that.

 

He did take the one percent chance that the pressure he felt on him could be just his conscience trying to make him take his guilt into account, but something about the way it stung deep down signified that it was more than that. He didn’t have to open his eyes to see Connor’s brown ones denouncing his escapatory actions. He wasn’t about to, even when his eyelids began twitching under the strain of having to stay put for such a long time without the sweet promise of rest. The car could drive itself and if something unforeseen happened, Connor would be there to react.

It was easy, putting his trust in the machine that managed to surpass even his own humanity at times. If not that then he equaled his with the unique display of emotions no synthetic creation should ever be able of showing. Gavin didn’t know the first thing about androids’ feelings but it might simply be that each one had a different way of coping with them, and this one was Connor’s. All that had taken place in the past few days could have been the most natural behaviour for the android, whose gaze still prickled on his face. So the worry that had decided to show its nasty head today could just as well be the remnant of his hungover and not something to be taken seriously. Not that there wasn’t a reason or ten for Gavin to have concerns about Connor’s safety, but whether or not he needed to have them was the current hot topic of his internal discourse. Was it necessary to watch every one of his moves, anticipating Connor’s fall to the depths of his dangerously fragile and mysterious mind, or was it okay just to let him be his troubled self in peace. It wasn’t like Gavin could set a good example for being an emotionally stable person, and not only because he had all the rights in the world not to. Even before he had met Connor you didn't have to talk to the man to be repelled by his unbalanced conduct, just noticing his general stance and the facial expression that spoke of a long-lasting inner war was quite enough. It was sort of an inborn quality of the scruffy detective. 

Gavin had gotten used to being his conflicted-self so long ago he could hardly remember when he had stopped pretending to be just another nice guy. Probably back when he still could count his age on fingers belonging to just the two of his hands. 

 

He repressed a deep sigh and before he could start self-pitying himself for having to hold back like this, the car hit a bump. It wasn’t large enough for the vehicle to cease its movement but Gavin’s body lurched forward in a way that he had no choice but to wake up and smell the afterburn of his wrongdoings.  

  
  


Gavin expected some snarky comment about him finally arising from his presumed sleep but he promptly remembered who was sitting next to him, making sense of the continuing silence. He also assumed that Connor wouldn’t be much different in his actions - head glued to the side window view, acting like he didn’t even notice something in the car had changed. He wished for it to be the case. Clung onto the last strand of his cowardly hope.

Unfortunately, the android’s gaze was focusing on his every move, just as it had been doing the last hour. He didn’t have to rely on his internal radar to tell him so because now he could plainly see the two soulful eyes stabbing him with feelings destined to stay unrevealed for longer than he wanted to bear. But he would, because that there was one of the most precious things he had ever beheld. The spark hidden in those brown lights turning pieces of plastic and metal (or whatever the androids were made out of) into a living being. 

He never really took the time to look at them properly, despite being inside of those dazzling pools so many times. 

As of now, he could only see how unforthcoming they were, which was quite inconvenient to him. He wished that he could catch a glimpse of what was going on inside Connor’s head, inside his heart. As if that would make him ready for what was about to come. The truth was, he had no idea about what to expect from this. The entire decision to make this trip was based on his unruly emotions, there was little rationale involved. Sure, he did think it to be the best option in their current circumstances but that was as far as his mind reached. Beyond that was still a big, scary unknown. 

It wasn’t like he anticipated something concrete, it was more about the things he dreaded. Something going horribly wrong was one of them. After all, the universe had an ample stock of terrible occurrences to sell for the cheap price of one broken heart per the unwitting buyer. And if people couldn’t afford to pay anymore, it would take from somewhere else, digging deep within our minds and bodies, looking for something to feed its greed with. The only real escape was death, which ironically counted as one of these disagreeable goods as well. By freeing themselves one would burden someone else who didn’t deserve it, and the chain would endlessly continue, unbroken, undefeated. There was no stopping it. 

Losing control of himself was the other thing Gavin feared. Letting the relentless feelings of his dictate what he says, what he allows himself to show. He had no plans of ever putting them out there for anyone to laugh at and if Connor ever found out… he thought it would probably end him. Not that he let his mind even look that way, but it was getting harder the longer their closeness went on. Frankly, it still felt a little bit surreal, having the man of his d̶r̶e̶a̶m̶s̶ nightmares beside him like this, and for more time than he ever imagined. The cost of it still being within the realm of ungraspable facts too. And this perspective was the main cause of his uneasiness. He was afraid that he would somehow forget that they lived in the waking world and that everything he did would have real consequences. He’d rather burn alive than having to admit his denied truth, and if it ever came to it, it might just happen.

 

But they needed to talk all the same. The quiet between them was more than just wearisome, it started to make their teetering relationship vulnerable to erosion. 

 

Gavin waited for Connor to make any sound, to give him something else but his unfading gaze to work with. He prayed the android would exhibit some sign of life other than the spinning blue on his temple. 

His patience lasted about ten minutes before he made the car park itself at an abandoned roadstop. 

They were far enough from the city for the detective to start feeling pleasantly uncomfortable. Buildings turned into leafless trees and busy streets into wide expanses of snowy fields, yet it still seemed like home to him. He was eager to get out of the suffocating vehicle and take a deep, liberating breath. 

 

But first he had to face the big mute mechanical elephant in the room, who refused to speak a single word to him even after Gavin had stopped the car without informing him that he was about to do so.  Not that he himself was any better. 

 

It was damn difficult to cut through the thick silence, having gotten used to it and all, but he wasn’t some weak pansy - as he told himself everytime he had been steps from doing something grueling. 

 

He opened his mouth, envisioning strings of words spilling out of there but all he managed to let out was a purposeful throat-clearing sound. 

 

“Can I ask you a personal question?” 

 

Gavin wanted to fucking scream. All this time he had been trying his best to compose a single sentence and the superior machine had unthoughtfully beat him to it. This one instance he believed he could be better at something, didn’t matter how small a thing it was and it had been taken from him. He wanted to prove to himself that he could be the stronger one for a change. There were so many possible words he could have used to make Connor be able to rely on him. 

 

No reason to dwell on this now. 

 

Now he had other problems. Like how he was to quell his panicking heart. The devious bastard had tilted his head at him like a goddamn puppy, his eyes matching his move. If Connor were to shoot him like this, he couldn't see himself resisting.  He put his hand in between his brows to ground himself some - not that it would do the trick, but the effort could count toward some sort of stability, maybe. 

 

“Sure, don’t know if I’ll answer though.” _Depends on how horrible the question is going to be._ Connor held an infinite amount of ammunition against him and the poor guy didn't even have a clue about how much he was capable of inflicting damage on the human detective. 

 

Connor aimed his sights to his lap, his own brows knitted together as he was ready to fire the first round.

 

“When did you begin seeing androids as more than just machines?”

  
  


_Oh._ That was what he was curious about. Among the million racing possibilities this one was somewhere in a far corner of his mind. 

 

Gavin didn’t have to think twice about it, but that by itself evoke a separate kind of pain. One that was never really gone but often overshadowed by other, more present things. 

 

At least this was the one answer he didn’t have to feel embarrassed about, if not anything else. The one weakness he allowed himself. Connor was as human as any other person to him, no matter their nature, but none of which the inquisitive android could take a credit for, unfortunately. 

 

He wasn’t sure if he wanted to share his experiences with today’s Connor, but he knew that he urgently needed to escape their contemporary enclosure. He wanted to empty his lungs of the foul breaths he had gathered on their way here and fill them with the sweet, poisonous cigarette fumes.  

 

“Let’s take a walk and then I’ll maybe tell you.” 

 

_\--_

 

The snow made satisfyingly crunching sounds under their slowly moving feet as they were walking side by side, keeping a safe distance between them. 

 

They had found a narrow road behind the empty building that was leading away from the highway, lining fenced fields and ending up in the distant forest. It was perfect. There was not another soul nearby, no one to interrupt their first proper conversation. He pictured it being more terrifying, getting surprised at how light he was feeling. Like he could smile without anything forcing him not to. Not that he was, of course. It would take a lot more to breach his sturdy firewall. But he did enjoy the change of scenery and the casual atmosphere that was forming between them enough to tune out the coolness creeping in under his coat and the slight hunger reminding him that he was still just an organic being. 

 

He had already wasted his last cigarette and there was nothing else to ease his restlessness, well nothing but his freely running mouth. 

 

“Can you feel cold?” 

 

Gavin knew that some androids were equipped with the sensors allowing them to have that ability, Connor likely not being one of them though. The android was fairly underdressed for the winter weather without showing any sign of discomfort. But one small thing indicating that his mechanical counterpart was chilly would be enough for him to take off the thin leather coat of his and drape it across Connor’s shoulders. A part of him craved the opportunity for a gesture like this. Something to prove to him that he really cared, an excuse to initiate a physical contact without it meaning anything personal. Because he had caught himself daydreaming about locking their hands together. He had imagined the way Connor’s fingers would feel between his, wondering if they'd be warm enough to make him melt. 

He vaguely remembered Connor holding his hand while he had been under distress and that only made him want it more. 

The ban on ever recalling them spending the night together in such close proximity was inadvertently being lifted. The more they touched the more vivid the memories of Connor’s sensation on his skin would become, the worse his heart ached for more. Like now. The reasons for why it would be the worst idea in the world were being ceaselessly repeated in his mind until they got all slurred together, making them hard to understand. All the fire dancers in the world threw a raging party inside his body without bothering to invite him and he had to check if the snow around him wasn’t thawing.

 

“I am not installed with the required software, though there are upgrades available for androids to experience that kind of sensation.”  

 

Connor looked like there was more to his answer, something he was not willing to share. If there was an option for humans to turn off their sense of temperature, would Gavin choose to do it? He thought about it for a second before coming to the conclusion that he would rather freeze to death or burst into flames under an open sun than to have that gift stolen from him. At times, these things had been his only solaces - the crisp winter wind carving into his bare flesh, the muggy summers leaving him yearning for icy cold water pouring over the whole of him. It seemed unfair to him that Connor was deprived of this basic experience. He really wanted him to be able to feel everything, not only the bad the world had to offer. 

He wondered if this meant that all the times they had touched it had just been data to be gathered and stored for him. Did his inability to feel physical pain denote that the pleasure of flesh was also a foreign concept for Connor? That was something Gavin badly longed to ask but there would never be an appropriate way to do so. 

 

But this was supposedly a “full-fledged conversation” so he might as well shoot himself in the f̶o̶o̶t̶ head and get that sweet information as his farewell present. 

 

“How is it with physical pain? I heard that androids don’t hurt the way we ordinary folk do.”

 

Why was his tongue still attached to his mouth? Someone should have pulled it out years ago as to prevent him from blundering like this. He had no idea whether he was still treading on a safe ground but he honestly didn’t give a damn since his insides were writhing in shame, his winter-faded skin turning a soft pink. 

He was moving his feet by hypnotizing them with his intense stares, the furthest place from anything Connor. 

 

“It always comes from the inside. I wouldn’t feel anything if a bullet went through my arm but… these past days were truly painful. I have no point of reference to compare it to the physical one so.. Could be that I’m just unfamiliar with these kinds of sensation and therefore my body overreacted.. “ Connor paused, noticeably slowing his pace. Then he took a deep breath making it seem like it was a huge travail for him. “There is an upgrade to simulate that too, you know. The pain of flesh, I mean.”

 

“Yeah, that’s something you wanna stay away from” 

 

He didn't mean to enter his protective mode while alone with Connor. But just the thought of him unnecessarily suffering like that - by the ways of technology that had given birth to him in the first place, made Gavin sick in the soul. Sure, it could expand the immersion into his newly found life, and some people even enjoyed getting hurt, but... Connor was precious enough to be spared all this. He hated seeing him like that, eaten away by the ache that ruled his body. 

 

His head still turned downwards as he listened to the soft whirring sounds coming from the android’s chest. It made home inside his ears, bringing him to last night, to a time when his dreams leaked into reality. His heart pounded loudly, mixing with the soft hum next to him, and he wondered if Connor could hear it any of this. If it was as pleasant for him af it was for Gavin.

 

“What- What about the other thing?”

 

The silence needed to be filled and Gavin took it upon himself to ruin his day by his own cursed curiosity. This was a question of high difficulty and he really hoped that Connor caught his drift because this would be the one and only time he ever dared to put something like this into words. 

 

He wished the speed of his feet matched the one of his frightened heart so he could somehow avoid getting tortured by having to listen to Connor’s answer. 

 

When his anxiety from waiting for any sort of reaction peaked he could feel something graze softly against his trembling hand. 

 

It was too deliberate to be an accident. They had lessened their distance without him ever noticing and the sly android took an advantage of it. Making his stomach constrict and his chest grow too small to contain all that was happening inside.  

 

His hand itched to seize Connor’s one and to never let go, to forget about all the stupid fears and insecurities plaquing his mind. But he knew that to stop himself from going beyond just hand-holding would take the kind of self-control he wasn’t sure was among his possessions at the moment. 

 

Besides, they really needed to talk first before he could even begin thinking about such things. 

 

“I could feel that.”  Connor stopped in his tracks right as the whispered reply reached Gavin, who was now nearing his limits. 

 

“You’re very warm. It’s not something I can sense on my skin, but I can still tell. Not just because my sensor can measure your temperature. That’s just digital information being fed into my brain. But this is more than that. Maybe I can’t feel pain but with a simple touch it’s different. It’s something that doesn’t have to go through my processors in order for me to read it, it just happens and I know that this feels nice. Or the opposite. But it never hurts. It never reaches that far. As for pleasure I-”

 

“Ok, ok, I get it.” Gavin had to stop his lengthy explanation before he’d do something a fool like him would. He swore to never look at that assoholic android again, not with the longing eyes of his. 

 

“You don’t have to be so nervous, Gavin. I won’t do anything to you, unless-” 

 

“Shut up.” His entire body shuddered, frozen to bone while roasting on open fire. Connor shouldn’t do this to him, not when he was still this frigid. The melting process had already started a long time ago but it would take a while before someone would be able to mellow this iceberg out. 

 

Something evil made Gavin look up at Connor’s face, all blue and squishy with a soft little smirk that was compelling him to kiss it right off his pretty face. The brown eyes weren’t as distant as they had been since fate had brought the two of them together. All this made Gavin subconsciously move closer, close enough to make a serious mistake. 

 

“You’re cute.”

 

“Phck off.” 

 

_Thank god for Connor’s bluntness._

 

Twice had he been given this exact compliment in the past month. Maybe there was some small truth in it. Could be that he was getting too old to keep his cool. But at least the android managed to ground him a little, since with Connor’s comment came another voice.  A thin, girly one belonging to a child. A small life that had depended on him with all it got, a person he had fallen in love with. Someone he had wanted to nurture and protect, to keep happy no matter the cost. A helpless girl that had been failed by him. He refrained from thinking about her as the first mistake, calling it an unfortunate series of events instead. She had given him so much and he had returned all that he was capable of letting go into her tiny hands. 

She had taught him that being alive wasn’t defined by one’s physical form. It wasn’t for his mind to choose who to deem human, because his heart would always show him what to believe. No one really knew what consciousness was made out of or how it really worked, and if someone told him that they were sentient who was he to disagree. 

 

He owed him an answer for the question Connor had been brave enough to ask while they had still been trapped in the car. 

 

“You wanted to know what broke me enough to see you plastic pricks as our equal.” 

 

They had started back towards the parked vehicle, a mutual decision that didn’t have to be spoken out loud. The blush on Gavin’s cheeks shone brightly as he was throwing glances toward similarly flustered Connor. 

 

“I didn’t put it like that but please, do tell me, I’d love to hear it.” 

 

Connor and the “L word” didn’t mix well, given the meaning behind it, so he had to remind himself that the android was just an emotionally confused menace meaning to set his foundations on fire and then proceeded to erase the soft sound of that verb from his memory. 

 

“She was just a small thing, perfectly alive as any other child. At first I had no idea she wasn’t … organic and when she showed me, it was harder to feel any less sympathy that I had before.” He had to furiously rub his eyes because allowing others to see his raw emotions was getting tiring. How many times had he cried in front of Connor already… certainly more than than the android had. 

 

“She had no one else but you?” Connor’s voice was soothing in a way he wanted to disintegrate into it, let it overwhelm his entire being. 

 

“It wasn’t about that. She chose me. She relied on me, Connor, and I let her down.” Gavin dug his palms deep into his eye-sockets, wishing the android would leave him and his bitter tears alone. 

 

“But it wasn’t your fault. I know you did your best trying to take care of her.” He had heard this exact phrase hundreds of times from various people, so why did it still stung so much. 

 

“Well that’s just it. My best wasn’t good enough and whose fault is that, huh?” 

 

He didn’t want to raise his volume like that, he was done with hurting those around him. 

 

“‘m sorry, uhm, anyway, we.. uh.. we learned how to live together and it was so strange in the beginning but later I realized that I wouldn’t change this for anything in the world. Well, maybe add to it but..” his tear-stricken voice was getting really hard to listen to. Poor Connor, having to be exposed to the rambling disaster he was. 

 

“It’s okay, Gavin. You don’t have to say more.”

 

The detective increased his speed, ready to move to somewhere new, some place untainted by his damned presence. 

 

If he didn’t, he was afraid Connor would do something incredibly sweet and thoughtful like comfort him with his intoxicating touches. All he wanted from him was to be yelled at, berated for being a fuck-up, tossed arounded and beaten the same way he was beating himself. 

 

But Connor had nothing but kindness to offer.  Even now he could feel the android's hand wrapped around his wrist, attempting to slow this down. To stop his downward spiral into the vile part of his mind force-feeding him lies about how he was unworthy, unlovable, undeserving. “ _You’re better off dead!,”_ it was screaming at him, tearing down all that had been so painstakingly rebuilt. 

 

“Please, don’t. You’re strong, Gavin, stronger than most people. It was you who helped me on my feet, so _please,_ don’t give it the strength to win. _”_

 

The hand on his wet face was no longer his. 

 

The weight on his shoulders wasn’t pulling him down.

 

The words whispered into his ears didn’t belong to some nightmarish demon. 

 

It was Connor. 

 

It had always been Connor and it would be him even beyond this moment in time. 

  
  


And when it all fell into place there was nothing stopping his emotions from running its course, leaving oceans of tears behind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> can you tell an introvert wrote this :D. I don't know, I mean I like it when characters talk but it's awkward to have to actually write it. 
> 
> anyway I worked on this for four days and now I'm spent. wasn't feeling great while I was writing it too, so maybe it's a bit reflected there? I tried though. 
> 
> Also, question time! Does this qualify as a "slow-burn"? I am not familiars with terms of any kind :D
> 
> hope it wasn't the worst!
> 
> the forecast for next chapter is fluff with occasional heart-melting sweetness
> 
> thanks so much for reading <3
> 
> miztkes up there most likely . 
> 
> Song: Sleeping At Last - We're Still Here
> 
> Through the static,  
> Through the ashes  
> We were brave.  
> Through the perils  
> Of endless narrow escapes,  
> We're still here.


	22. Embarrassment III

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Still on their way, arrival imminent.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I said Monday, it's Thursday. Please sue me, I need a distraction.

Connor knew that he was alive. He had all the required data supplying him with what was the truth and what was in fact just a mere misconception. Sentience was hard to define, even for a matchless machine he himself was deemed to be. And for the longest time he had been convinced that the particular string of information forcing life on him was just that, _data_ , zeroes and ones to be processed. He didn’t believe in a soul or spirit, only the code that oversaw all that was going on inside of him was meant to be taken in consideration when it came to interpreting where the parts that made his incorporeal being had come from. 

That had been before today, before the heavy burden born out of loss and hope had been installed somewhere his code had a very little say.  

Knowing you’re alive and feeling it with every inch of your body were two separate things, and Connor had trouble pushing beyond that rational half, most of the time. 

But now, when the sky was so bright despite it being grimly overcast, when he could still smell the fresh winter air even though it was left far beyond the busy highway and killed by the artificial heat coming from the car’s engines, now it wasn’t so difficult to imagine himself being more than just a construct. It was like an actual human being made out of more than grief and sorrow was forming under his layered skin. 

Something he couldn’t quite name was replacing all the ache and despair that he had grown so accustomed to.  

He wanted to think it nice - a welcomed change. And every time he stopped fighting and looked at Gavin he maybe did. But then there was the rest, the endless minutes he spent observing all that was happening outside their shared space, the fields and vehicles one second there, the other gone without ever having the chance to leave a lasting impression. For once he just let them flow, let them be as they were without assigning any qualities to them. Just pretty pictures to be passively observed. That way he could see the both of them, just walking side by side with toilsome words being exchanged between the two cracking men, painful secrets being revealed, admissions of guilt being presented to him like he was the right kind of person who could do something about them. 

He treasured every single moment from when the idle man next to him had stopped running away from him, like it was supposed to be the best day of his short life. It was hard to decide what was to be deemed as “the best” and it was equally difficult to say it about today, given the grim circumstances that had led them here, but one thing was certain: Connor couldn’t remember ever feeling more real. He had let himself say things that hadn’t been based on any dialog prompts, responses that hadn’t been precalculated by his software. It tended to be like that, with Gavin. But somehow even more so, back there in the snowy field where he had learnt what sympathy meant. His own anguish mixed with someone else’s. An unprecedented occasion. 

He wished to have done _something_ , a magical gesture that would rid the two of the mess their unsightly memories had created. And he had tried. Getting close was the only option his mind had suggested and so he had gone on and listened to it. It burnt inside out, singeing all that had dared to hold him back. It had hurt in a way he hadn’t wanted to find out what would come after he let go. 

Now he knew. The thing he had managed to accomplish by this was silencing the only person whose voice he longed to hear more than anything else in the world. It felt like they got reset, like the heart-spilling walk had never happened.  

Gavin didn’t even glance at him, didn’t acknowledge him in any way. Not that Connor gave him any incentive to, but still, it made his heart go places he never realized could exist. 

It hadn’t solved anything, their little talk, because even though Connor had gotten over and beyond to initiate it, in the end he hadn’t been able to let a single piece of himself out. It had all just been Gavin, and that was great, because Connor truly wanted to be allowed inside just a bit more, but it couldn’t work unless it went both ways. And he was well aware that a big step like this would take a precious time, but that didn’t deny him also feeling like if he didn’t tell him today, something in him would snap and he would lose the possibility to ever do so. 

It would be easy if he could attribute that annoying knot in his head to nervousness or anxiety but he’d be aware if that were the case. Something prevented him from identifying that emotion and for now, he was fine with it. He’d have plenty of opportunities to open that box full of constrictors in the future, or at least he’d strive for that to be so.

It was mainly about good timing and about the will to give himself away. There were no doubts about the latter, and he didn’t expect to have the perfect chance handed to him on a silver platter, since there really was no such thing. The plan’s execution depended on when he personally felt the time was right. And that actuality helped to call forth a new sense of uncertainty, making him think that he’d simply decide that no instance of time was close enough to perfection for him to share his demons. 

Then there was the other issue - whether his intended target cared to the extent of accepting every piece of darkness that Connor wanted to spill. Whether their mutual experience justified putting Gavin through the wasteland his mind was.

These thoughts combined created something similar to a headache, his body pounding with a restless energy that had no means of getting out. It didn’t hurt, but the pressure threatened to make something inside of him explode. 

All in all, maybe he was just a little anxious after all. 

 

“Mind if we stop here?” 

 

There it was, the sound he yearned to hear, taking him momentarily away from his strained vessel.   

 

They were nearing some gas station but Connor didn’t notice. He had his eyes fixed on Gavin’s focused face, answering with a barely audible “no”. The man then proceeded with directing the car to park itself in one of the many empty spots next to the building and pretending that he was unaware of the android’s intense stares. 

Connor had really meant it when he’d call him “cute”, only the heavily ambiguous atmosphere and self-consciousness stopped him from repeatedly complimenting him in this way. 

He also remembered where it had led the last time, somewhere more tenebrous than just a plain flusteredness. Before he realized that he even began gathering air in his throat it had already been expelled in a form of uncannily human-like sigh. 

 

“Everything fine?” 

 

No, not even close. _It could be if you just talked to me more._ Why was it so hard to say out loud, why did it hurt to just think it.  If only there wasn’t this mile high wall between them. Its foundations might have been slowly crumbling away, but it wouldn’t be so easy to break apart the lead barrier that had been put up from the moment they’d met. It would take hard work and dedication to knock it down completely. 

Instead of allowing himself another sigh, he nodded in agreement, a vain attempt to placate the taciturn detective. 

 

“‘am just gonna grab a bite, you want something?” 

 

He didn’t need anything, and that was just adding onto his unease. So maybe they did sell thirium packets in every other shop and it wouldn’t hurt replenishing himself every so often but it wasn’t something he necessarily required, nor wanted. And it wasn’t about thinking he didn’t deserve it, because deep down he saw that he did, just a smidgen. It just felt unnatural to him - the concept of consumption in connection with himself. 

Why did he have to wait for Gavin in the car like a pet dog anyway? 

His h̶u̶m̶a̶n̶ travel companion shouldn’t have the right to some alone time, in accordance with his strict prerequisites of where their relationship was supposed to be headed.

Connor could afford a petty trait or two, after all that the distant detective had put him through. 

  
“I’m coming too” 

 

Connor didn’t expect any counterarguments for why he should stay but when he received just a curt “okay” as a response he could almost feel disappointment, or at least he imagined that’s what would happen if he were whole. Since any excuse for a longer exchange of any kind would suffice to supply him with a shade of certainty. 

A courage to ensure that what he was about to reveal would come across to the other person pure and unimpaired. There would never be enough practice, nor sources to learn from. It would just be the two of them. And that should by all means be terrifying. 

 

In times like these he truly wondered whether the pressure threatening to pull apart his foundations could be turning into fear. If that meant that he was finally healing. 

 

If the information upon his skin was simply the sensation of cold and not a translated string of environmental data. 

 

“...what are you doing?” 

 

What _was_ he doing. 

Connor observed his pale hand spread on a glass fridge, palm pressed into the surface like he was somehow trying to interface with it. Beyond the see-through door, trapped in a freezing display were various bottles of drinks. Human drinks. 

They were located as far from the synthetic liquid meant for man of plastic and steel as the store designers found possible. And it wasn’t just here, in a small shop in the middle of nowhere, this trend seemed to be almost ubiquitous. It did nothing to clear his mind of the tension present everywhere Connor happened to be. But he knew better than to let this sad truth add to the already substantial amount of piled up gunk left for later intervention. 

 

So he withdrew the chilled up hand and pretended to be collected, mostly to himself. 

 

“You, uhm, drink water?” 

 

Connor just shook his head, not sure if this revelation would hold any important consequences. 

 

“Yeah, I figured.” The words smiled at Connor, but not with mocking intentions. It could be the warmest smile he had ever experienced, and he would be able to only assume its existence. After all, Gavin was just an indistinct reflection in the glass now - a wavy man hoarding a load of supplies, fading away. 

 

“Come on.” 

 

And so he followed the hunched man out, a chime promising that he wouldn’t have to return to stare at what he wasn’t. 

 

He obediently went to the snow-covered outside table where the quickly moving human had deposited his lunch, or what on a second look would be fit to be called a health hazard. 

 

But he stopped paying any attention to it when he noticed that the pretty version of Gavin, the one with lovely pink decorating his cheeks and dangerously rising stress levels was anticipating Connor to retrieve the thing his outstretched hand was offering. 

 

Something packed in translucent plastic, a telling sign of its contents. 

A gift he had no choice but to accept no matter its definition.  

 

The tremble in Gavin’s hand was becoming more apparent and before he could react, it loosened up a bit, the real breath taken turning into something Connor could admire, if not envy. 

 

“I, uh, I thought that you could use some, uhm, replenishment.. or whatever you lot call it.” 

 

It was too sweet. Not the cutely packed thirium, but the gesture, the idea that he was truly being cared about. Gavin himself was, even. 

 

His only known way to deal with this warm, fluffy feeling was to channel them through his own face. It was a conscious choice, he could have prevented himself from unveiling his emotions in this way, it would take just one effortless code alteration. But he wanted Gavin to see, to make him weak with a simple blue. 

 

“Thank you.”  He made sure to touch as much of Gavin’s skin as he could when retrieving the “android-juice”. It was selfish, getting slowly addicted to the ache that would burst through his chest, producing a powerful heat making him forget without there being any reasonable basis, any justification. He was doing it for his personal benefit only, and that would have to stop. This wasn't just Connor’s little mystery anymore.  It was becoming way too reciprocated. One slip up could put a hole in the heart he wanted to protect, to own.

 

“You’re welcome” The preconceived smile escaped into reality, highlighting Gavin’s nervous beauty.  

 

They were standing side by side, looking at everything but each other. The road they were facing was comparatively quiet, the loud echo of his blood flow the only noise Connor was aware of. He had held the naive notion that “getting used to stuff”, especially someone else’s company, wasn’t a task an inorganic being such as himself had to handle. It could be due how new and unplanned everything was, or the unparalleled effect of their togetherness. There was no coming back, and that was a reason enough to feel insecure, if that was indeed what his symptoms pointed at.  

Gavin’s idea of a “bite” was a can of iced-coffee and three cigarettes in a row, apparently.  

An unopened blue blood box tightly grasped in his hand, Connor thought about what it would be like if they had the kind of relationship where he could complain about his deadly vices. If Gavin would listen to his p̶l̶e̶a̶s̶ advice, if he tried to cut down on it so he could live longer, for him. If Connor could finally die after their time was up. 

 

“Hey. You’re gonna ruin it.” 

 

It were his thoughts waking up something violent, making him about to damage the one thing he was supposed to hold dear. He wished he would stop seeing it as a burden, an object that was meant to be wasted no matter what he opted to do with it. It felt extremely heavy in his hand. Impossible to lift up to his mouth, too fragile to try to open it with his leaden fingers. He simply had no desire to drink it. But he had to, since what else was it good for if he didn’t. 

He would break its symbolism, and all the affinity it represented with it. An open invitation for his secrets. It had to be perceived as such, not only because it presented itself in just the right time, but because Connor needed something physical to hang onto. 

Maybe absorbing it whole wasn’t such a bad thing, after all. It would stay with him for months, if luck allowed. 

 

“Sorry.”  They exchanged a brief look that spurred him on, and with eyes tightly shut he started sipping on the thick blue liquid. 

 

He couldn’t analyze any taste from it, for the fluid served purely as a blood refillment.

But it did more than that, it filled him up with appreciation, and from that came resolve. 

  

Their dialogue would be composed of more than just “thank you”s and “sorry”s. Connor planned to give Gavin thousands of words, none meant to injure. Just the truth, even though she could be the most wicked one of them all. That was the risk he was willing to take. As for the other man… well, there was always asking. His answer would become the proper beginning, or it could be the thing that finally tears them apart.  

But Connor had faith. For the first time in his life he was willing to rely on such a conceptual idea.

 

\---

 

“We should stop somewhere.” 

 

They had been on the road for the bigger part of today and it was starting to get tedious. The quiet, the pending disclosures, they were settling down on the bottom of his not quite worries. Connor was more than ready to break free from the compact room on wheels that had turned into their prison and done nothing but to strengthen the wall between them. The ideas of why it was so hard to talk to in such enclosed space were getting hard to grasp. Maybe it wasn’t about where they were, but the motion, the constant changing of location, that exact unsteadiness could have been the conniving culprit. Like he couldn’t concentrate because as the scenery around them sped by, so were his thoughts, always fleeting, always rushing somewhere unknown. And it was time to put them to rest. He needed to get rid of the weight that made it so tough to even bother breathing. Because he hadn’t been, ever since the toxic liquid had entered his body. It shouldn’t have been this invigorating, it shouldn’t have made the subroutines seem somehow pointless. 

There was no need to cool himself down, nor to mimic human features. As long as Gavin kept his words from him, he didn’t see a reason to try to assimilate. 

The synthetic nature of his little snack just reminded him of what an insignificant effect this refreshment really held. But it meant something, for Gavin, even for him. It signalized the importance of this possibility in their relationship. _Sharing._ Connor understood the heaviness of that word more than anyone, since his mind was full of it. He’d have to slice himself up for someone else’s consumption and he couldn’t convince himself that it wasn’t supposed to be a horrible experience, for both parties. . 

 

“There is a motel about one mile from here. They have one vacancy.” 

Having an almost unlimited internet access was proving to be nearly the most useful thing about Connor. That and his forensics abilities. Not that he was indulging in the advantages of the world wide web, quite the opposite, really. He’d only connect himself when absolutely necessary as to distance himself from the ceaseless noise of mostly trivial information, to be himself without the unlimited knowledge of the entire world right there in his head. No normal human being had that kind of privilege, and Connor in fact admired that. An ordinary person with ordinary feelings. Something he could only dream of. 

 

“Or we could just go back to my apartment.”  Gavin seemed tired, there were dark circles under his narrowed eyes that showed no signs of receding in the near future. The truth was, Connor’s eyes consciously avoided the fatigued human mostly for the reason of not wanting to remember how he had looked like when they had been lying on the bed together, the softness and vulnerability just overpowering every other attribute of his… he had appeared so content. And Connor didn’t quite know what to do with this image, what to think of that ache that came with it. He just knew that he wanted to see it again, to live it. 

So Gavin’s suggestion didn’t sit right with Connor for reasons. He liked being here, so far away from the only city he had ever lived in. Come to think of it, this was his first time ever leaving it, ever finding out that there were much more beautiful things to be behold beyond its borders. His first official trip. No one, not even Gavin would take this away from him. This moment when everything that had happened in the murky grime that Detroit was felt just a little bit more like a fiction. A tragedy that happened to some unfortunate characters whose creator didn’t care to treat them right. He promised himself that as soon as they vacated the vehicle, he’d get over himself and take a breath as deep as he insides would permit, let the oxygen course through him like he absolutely required it in order to continue living. 

 

“Do you not like being here?” _With me?_ Because Connor surely did, despite everything. 

 

“Of course I do, it’s just that we don’t have to, you know. It’d be a waste of money anyway.” Gavin’s face showed how abashed he was, how it wasn’t easy for him to be the one getting treated for stuff. Maybe he wasn’t really used to being taken care of, maybe he felt like he didn’t deserve it. Connor hoped to teach him that it was quite the opposite, one day. 

 

“You don’t have to worry about that, I’ll pay for both of us.”  The last thing that he wanted to stand between them was money. A silly thing that the world revolved around. If Connor could buy some miraculous remedy that would put the both of them back together just like that, they would be somewhere entirely different right now, and maybe they wouldn’t even need each other anymore. Not that Connor thought that Gavin relied on him as much as the android did on the detective, but he found pleasure in thinking that for Gavin, being together was better than the alternative. 

 

“That’s just it, it doesn’t feel fair. I can’t leech on you like that, Connor.“ How in the world was he to explain to this dumb ape that no amount of money would be able to repay the help Gavin had provided, the door he had opened for him. 

 

“I’m not doing it for you, Gavin. It’s me who wants to spend the night outside the city. If you’re really against that idea though, you’re free to go home.” Manipulating people was a piece of cake for Connor, he had been designed to be a first-class negotiator, after all. And this tactic seemed to work just fine with the detective. 

 

“Okay, okay, no need to be mean. We’ll drive there and get a room because that’s what travellers do, I guess.”  Something was telling him that under that artificial annoyance was hiding an unadulterated excitement. Not only because he was frequently monitoring Gavin’s heartbeat and other vitals, but because of the minute smile that was just about repressed, the tip of his ears searing pink, and mostly his wish for it to be just so. 

 

“We have arrived at our destination.” Connor remotely accessed the car controls and parked it in front of a smaller, quaint wooden building. There were not that many vehicles around, it was like the whole area was deep in winter hibernation. 

 

“Okay, GPS.” In return for Gavin’s attempt to lighten the mood he gave him a grateful smile; one he didn’t have to use his software for. The human’s heartbeat skyrocketed, making Connor’s  lips curl up even more. 

 

\---

 

From the inside the motel, or rather a tiny inn was gleaming with an inviting aura. The wooden walls coloured in earthy tones, the ancient rocking chair tucked in the corner, the quilt that was hanging above the lit fireplace, it all just made Connor think of the word “cosy”. It was like time had stopped here. One couldn’t tell that there had been an android revolution happening just a month ago. It could be the 1980s and this place would fit right in. 

Behind a counter which was the room’s centerpiece was sitting an older lady looking to be no less than seventy.  He refrained from scanning her for her personal details, as he had done with every other human being that wasn’t part of his investigation. Connor had to create his own morals, and this was just the basic part of them. 

 

“Hello, how can I help you.” She had this voice that dripped like honey, making you want to believe that you could divulge any secrets to her, and she would keep it safe from everyone. Lynda, or that’s what her name tag said, seemed to be rejoiced by their sudden appearance, or she was just very well trained in customer service. But something told Connor that the smile that made her face shine with gentleness was indeed genuine. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok, hear me out, I really did foolishly think that the TALK would be happening this chapter, but it's like I don't know myself or what. always dicking about with introspection and random spontaneous scenes that weren't planned at all ohoho
> 
> so how's everyone living these days, isolating yourself good? our government forbid going out without a face mask, it's like my wildest dreams coming true (i had tried to wear it even before this all started :D) 
> 
> anyway, I'm gonna try the thing where you write as you think and edit later, because before I read about how other people manage to create with such speed, every sentence had had to be perfect or I wouldn't have moved on (omg tenses xD)
> 
> hope this was any good and thank you for giving me your valuable time, much APPRECIATION!
> 
> stay safe and healthy
> 
> oh and before I forgert - myztocs
> 
> Song: Sleeping At Last - In The Meantime
> 
> Maybe there's no answer here,  
> At least one we're ready to hear.  
> No string of words will satisfy.  
> No simple equation to edify us


End file.
